summary: Caroline thinks she's probably best defined through boys. "He shrugged and told her he didn't really love her anyway."
title: "Where it began, I can't begin to know; but then I know it's growing strong." ~Sweet Caroline, by Neil Diamond
note: I'm on top of the world right now (I just found out that I got picked to be in my school's production of Pride & Prejudice with my best friend, so I'm practically dying of excitement :D ) so I figured I would post something to see if anyone wants to add to my good mood by enjoying it. Also: I listened to "Sweet Caroline" on repeat while writing this, and honestly you might want to play it in the background for an enhanced reading experience or something ;D
She had always been a pretty girl.
When they were young, she was the flirty one, who always wanted to play with boys while Elena and Bonnie liked to have long talks in their "girl's-only" tree house in Bonnie's backyard. She would run over to Tyler's or Matt's or sometimes Jordan Kinsey's, who moved in fifth grade. She would complain that the girls were being boring and couldn't somebody do something to entertain her?
The boys would laugh at her but offer to bring her a glass of lemonade and let her join in on their football games or pretend battles, complete with water guns.
Usually she'd sit on the sidelines, weaving daisy chains so each boy could go home with a souvenir, as she cheered on whichever one she'd chosen as her favorite for that afternoon.
Elena and Bonnie would be highly disapproving if they joined, saying that she was breaking the girl code by spending too much time in boy territory.
She never really minded, though.
Her first boyfriend was in kindergarten, and his name was Allen. He was small, freckled, and blonde haired, and he pushed her over in the playground so many times she knew they were in love.
But then he started pushing Claire Ames over too, and she got mad at him and told him they were breaking up.
He shrugged and told her he didn't really love her anyway.
(He dated Elena in the sixth grade, and when Elena broke up with him on the basis that he was spending too much time playing video games and not enough time walking aimlessly around the neighborhood with her, he'd followed her around for a straight week, claiming his heart was broken.
Caroline never really got over that betrayal.)
The first time she had sex was with Dick Carter, who would turn out to be a hell of a football player once they got to high school. Dick Carter wanted everyone to call him Rich, but it never stuck, probably because Dick fit him so well.
It was seventh grade and she had just broken up with her last boyfriend, someone whose name she no longer remembered. She and Dick were dancing at a party at Ed Goff's house when all of a sudden he was whispering in her ear that he thought she should come upstairs to Ed's parent's bedroom. And because she was thirteen and drunk and scared and her dad had just left, she followed him.
And then her clothes were on the floor and so were his, and he was on top of her. It hurt like hell and she wondered why anyone did this for fun. She did bleed a little, but Dick didn't notice and she wondered if she should say something.
But then it was over, and he was off her, his clothes back on. "Thanks," he sort of mumbled, and then just like that, she was alone.
She cried so hard she thought she'd choke on her own tears.
Damon Salvatore didn't go on her list of firsts, really. Technically it was her first time being compelled and her first time being bitten, but those were hardly rites-of-passage.
But he certainly changed her. When she first saw those baby blues, she was excited. A night of great sex with a stranger wasn't exactly the most normal of occurrences in her teenage life, but she was sick of getting warning looks from Bonnie whenever she tried to open her mouth around Elena. And she was sick of her mother's annoyed grunt every time they had more than a thirty-second long conversation. And she was sick of feeling like she wasn't good enough.
So she brought Damon Salvatore to her house and they were in the middle of what was a night of great sex with a stranger when his fangs came out and changed her world forever.
Being used by him shouldn't have been quite so easy, quite so fun. But it was – he was funny, he was smart, he liked to tell her his wry observations of the world.
His opinion of her was as low as her opinion of her steak, but she liked to pretend she was his equal. She liked to imagine him falling for her, actually caring. She liked to build futures for them that were so impossible it was almost funny.
Later, when she became a vampire and Damon was forced to accept her as some sort of equal, she asked him about it. "Why did you pick me?" she wanted to know.
And he shrugged, threw her a bag of blood, grabbed one for himself, and started sucking it down. When it seemed as though he wasn't going to answer, he finally said, "I don't know, Blondie. Because you're hot and you used to be so naïve."
"And I'm not anymore?"
He raised an eyebrow at her. "You're kidding, right?"
When her only response was downcast eyes, he was right next to her, his hand tenderly lifting up her chin. Sometimes she wondered where he hid this part of himself. "Every vampire misses it."
She didn't have to ask him what, because she knew. And all of a sudden she was throwing her arms around him and he was taken aback, but then she felt his arms winding around her back and she realized that Damon Salvatore really could be sweet if he wanted to be.
And when he saved her from a death at Klaus's hands, when he broke her out of that cellar, she didn't care what his reasons were.
She finally felt worth it.
Stefan Salvatore was so unlike his brother that she wondered many times why Elena loved both of them.
He was the first boy ever to see her true self.
Stefan was noble and caring and intense. He lacked his brother's charm, cockiness, disconcerting air of complete detachment.
That was probably why she liked him so much. He was so heart-breakingly kind to her, made her feel so special. The way he held her like he'd never let anything happen to her. The way he supported her when she felt so insanely unlovable.
The attraction may or may not have been one sided – she still didn't really know. All she knew was that he made her fall for him in an against-the-rules, blood-rushing-to-your-face-when-you-see-him, heart-speeding-up-when-hands-brush kind of way.
She knew how wrong it was, and that was probably part of the reason she liked him so much. She wondered if it would ever come out in a drunk secret-telling moment, if they would ever laugh about it together.
Part of her hoped it would, that she could get that illicit crush off her chest.
The greater part of her hoped it never would, because it was so raw and real and right, to her, that she never wanted to laugh it off.
Her first love was Matt Donovan, and she couldn't believe she was taking Elena's sloppy seconds.
Again.
But Matt was honestly a wonderful guy. He opened her eyes to what a boyfriend could be when he cared. And he made her want to care, too. He made her want to be someone worthy of his love.
She loved the feeling she got when she was with him almost as much as she loved him. She loved that he was warm and comforting and strong. She loved that he believed in her. She loved the way he held her face like she was porcelain when he kissed her. She loved that he had told her he loved her first. She loved that he made her do crazy things like sing to a crowd of strangers and admit that she was a vampire. She loved that she trusted him so easily. She loved that she believed he could never fail her.
Maybe it was all that love that made it so hard when he did. Fail her, I mean. Maybe it was the belief she'd had in the two of them, the way she was positive that they could work.
They couldn't. He couldn't do it. He wouldn't.
And they were over. She knew this, now, knew this for sure. Her first love had broken her heart, and yet here she was in Tyler's arms.
Tyler Lockwood was not really the first of anything, but he felt like it. He felt like the first person to see her for who she really was. He felt like the first person to ever want to be with the real her. He felt like the first to truly, honestly, no-regrets love her.
So here she was, in Tyler's arms. His chin rested on top of her head as she cried dejectedly, brokenly, openly. It did not even cross her mind to be embarrassed or nervous or anything of the sort. This was Tyler, the boy for whom she had made daisy chain bracelets so many years ago. This was Tyler, the boy who had almost killed her tonight.
This was Tyler, and honestly she was pretty sure it was love.