So, this is something of an experiment to see if my sense of humor is even remotely like other people's. :D This will more or less follow the canon timeline, but make a mockery of the characters involved. As mentioned in the summary, this is from Axel's point of view, with interspersed comments from Xemnas and Roxas (and occasionally others). It's pretty straight forward, but just to be sure, Xemnas is usually in italics and Roxas is usually in bold.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. sadfaise
Day 314
So we got a new member today.
He's short.
Day 315
And mean. At least he kicked Demyx in the shins when he started laughing at me. Ow, my knee.
Also, Mansex gave me a mission today. At least, I think he did. This is what he said, verbatim (more or less):
Blah blah blah, talking to Saïx, something about Luxord, Kingdom Hearts is awesome. Number Eight, (he doesn't really do names) I want you to go to Wonderland to determine the merit of making the Queen of Hearts, her King, and her cards into formidable creatures of darkness. Depart tomorrow. Also, you have really nice hair.
Okay, I added the last part. It would be creepy if Mansex said that, but I do have really nice hair. Anyways, I'm fairly certain he wants me to play Hearts (but maybe Solitaire) in the dark while high. I'm pretty sure I can do this.
Day 316
Well, it turns out that it didn't really matter if I was high or not because Wonderland was it's own special sort of drug. That place was weird. I bet Demyx or Xigbar would have a blast though. All in all it went pretty well, except for a small bout of nausea from walking on the walls of this one room.
--
Mission Report #31602
Agent: Me (also known as Axel)
Location: Wonderland
Date: Febtember Umpteenth, 1001 (Seriously, Mansex, nobody on these stupid worlds has a calendar)
Mission: check out Queen of Hearts and cards to further the purpose of Organization XIII and the glory of Kingdom Hearts, etc. etc. propaganda, something about Heartless.
Conclusion: Queen of Hearts generally useless, card army fell like a...house of cards. Some inhabitants could possibly be employed as psychological warfare. (The Mad Hatter and March Hare come to mind)
Damage:
Broken teacup and saucer (1)
Slightly burnt set of walking, talking playing cards (37)
Expenses:
Antique teacup and saucer (1) x 1500munny
Deck of playing cards (1) x 75munny
Can of tuna (3) x 100munny
Water dish (1) x 400munny
Total 2275munny
Gains:
Talking, disappearing cat (1)
Comments: Number Eight, neither I nor the others find it amusing when you deliberately misinterpret orders. Furthering our cause is not propaganda, it is part of our mission statement. There are calendars in the supply closet (2nd floor, Small Closet of Things past the Nook of Darkness, before the Stairs to Eternity). None of your expenses will be reimbursed. As per our code of standards, refer to me in all official documents as the Superior, Xemnas, or Number One. Another infraction will result in disciplinary measures.
I better not see that cat.
--
So yeah, a pretty good mission. I am going to have so much fun with this cat. As I recall, Larxene has been something of an extra bitchy bitch lately. And Mansex doesn't have a thing to worry about. It's a disappearing cat after all. He may hear it though. Is that a loophole I see?
I think I should mention how weird it is to walk around counting card casualties (alliteration!) right after you just burnt them to a crisp. I mean, burnt them slightly. Especially when you have to tell them to stop screaming and yelling because you lost count. Awkwaaaard.
Also, the new kid's name is Roxas. So far he's mostly a blonder, meaner Zexion.
Day 317
Demyx was bemoaning the loss of his popsicles in front of the fridge this morning. For some reason, New Kid was with him. Someone that small shouldn't be that scary. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's a height requirement; somewhere around 5' 8" sounds about right. There is no height requirement for girls, for they are always scary. (Especially Larxene. She reads torture lit as a guide for practical application.)
Anyways, popsicles. My sources (the cat) tell me they are stuck in various test tubes and expensive stuff in Vexen's lab. I didn't even do it this time. Oooo, mystery. Let's see here:
Mansex: Too busy making the Organization an evil bureaucracy.
Xigbar: Possibly. He usually doesn't need too much of a motive either. Use of Demyx's popsicles doesn't sound like him though.
Xaldin: Not his style.
Vexen: Victim, though this may be a ploy to get new lab equipment.
Lexaeus: Not really the pranking sort.
Zexion: More likely to take his anger out on Vexen in the form of a debate using lots of Latin phrases.
Saïx: Too busy assisting Mansex's creation of an evil bureaucracy.
Me: Hahaha, it wasn't me!
Demyx: Would never sacrifice popsicles for the sake of a mere prank.
Luxord: Could have lost a bet. Haha, Luxord never loses a bet.
Marluxia: Total creeper. It was probably him.
Larxene: Her pranks involve more blood.
New Kid: Doubtful. So far, all signs point to him becoming a new member of the Bonkers Blonds Club (sans Luxord. His is bleached after all), and they're either too sadistic or too air headed for pranks.
Looks as though the prime suspect is Marluxia, although Xigbar and Vexen are likely possibilities. I shall now go forth and let someone else handle it because I don't really care.
Day 318
Well, I care now.
Today sucked. I totally got framed and they wouldn't even let me use the cat as a witness! I'm now stuck on patrol duty for the next week and a half. (It was that or scrubbing the bathrooms, and I will leave that to the Dusks, thankyouverymuch.)
Day 319
Holy shit, it was the New Kid! I should be a reporter! (The cat really helps) Breaking news from the Castle that Never Was, Vexen is a creepy pedophile with a really awful sense of dirty talk! More at eleven.
And now I need a shower.
Day 320
I have decided, as a show of solidarity to another who has experienced Vexen's creepiness (this includes Six on down, except for Saïx. Zexion gets bonus points for being alive for Vexen's creepiness), I shall not rat out the New Kid. I will also stop referring to him as New Kid now that he has been properly initiated into the Organization via sexual harassment. Oh, memories.
I will, however, blackmail him into helping me on night patrol. Maybe writing my log reports too.
Day 321
I must admit, I am rather good at the blackmailing. It might have helped that I told New K--, I mean Roxas, his punishment would be helping Vexen in his lab should his crime be revealed...and then proceeded to list off various horrible half-true things that Vexen had done. (Like create human clones. He wasn't so great at this yet, but he was getting there, that's for sure) You should have seen his face!
Okay, so it didn't change much, but it was definitely on the haunted/horrified end of the stoic spectrum. And now I have a buddy for my nightly Heartless stompings. Speaking of, I didn't have to go on patrol tonight because Mansex had declared (via Saïx) that today was Filing Day. He clearly has no respect for the chronological-layers system of organization.
And Congrats to Roxas for surviving his first week in the Organization. Yay!
Day 322
Patrol is so lame. All it is is walking around in circles, whacking at Heartless that are too close to the castle.
Or so I had thought. Usually, that's how it goes; a few hours out in the cold, sometimes with rain, sometimes without, some more dead Heartless to your name, followed by an exhausted sleep. But, no, Roxas has to whip out his special card and draw a whole damn city's worth of Heartless to our doorstep. Thanks a lot, Roxas. You were supposed to make this job easier.
I suppose if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt, he looked rather surprised as well. Like, an actual facial reaction and everything. So even if it was all his fault, at least it wasn't intentional? I dunno, I'm not so good on this forgiveness thing. It's not like the Organization really encourages it either. I mean, Xaldin still hasn't forgiven me for taking the last breakfast muffin four months ago. Whatever, it is so Roxas' (that is really hard to say, by the way) fault and I will irrationally hold a grudge for at least the next two weeks or until he redeems himself. Bonus points if said redemption involves Marluxia and cyanide.
--
Patrol Record #1024
Agent: Me (Axel)
Clock-in Time: 9:17
Clock-out Time: asscrack of dawn 5:08
Encounters: A shit-ton 324 Holy crap, you counted? No, retard. The least you could do is make up bullshit that sounds convincing. I'm not a retard. You suck.
Issues: Roxas is a fucking Heartless magnet. I am not. You totally are. I don't see how that's a problem anyways.
Comments: This is important documentation vital to the smooth inner workings of the Organization, not a personal message board to sling insults and profanity. Number Eight, do not bring extra members on patrol unless it is cleared with the Defense Committee.
--
Day 323
Now that I think about it, I really haven't seen Larxene or Marluxia around a lot lately. If they're off cavorting around with each other after they both turned me down, I am gonna be so pissed.
Wait, no I'm not. Those assholes deserve each other.
--
Patrol Record #1027
Agent: Me (Axel)
Clock-in Time: 9-ish 9:11
Clock-out Time: 5-ish 4:55
Encounters: Still a shit-ton because Roxas is a Heartless magnet.
Issues: Roxas left me to fill out this paperwork all by myself. Also, I skinned my knee.
Comments: Number Eight, you have yet to file an Addition Patrol Support form to the Defense Committee. Minor injuries do not constitute an issue. Number Thirteen should not be filling out this paperwork since he is not supposed to be on patrol with you in the first place. You are coming very close to a serious infraction.
--
Day 324
Nothing happened at all today. Even patrol was boring since Roxas the Heartless Magnet Wonder was off doing something somewhere.
Larxene and Marluxia still nowhere to be found.
--
Patrol Record #1030
Agent: Axel
Clock-in Time: Does it really matter? It's not like
Clock-out Time: we're getting paid for this.
Encounters: Like, 5.
Issues: Patrol is fuck-all boring.
Comments: Accurate time-stamps are necessary to empirically evaluate how much work each member is doing in order to ascertain individual rewards once the objective is complete. Do not omit these on your following reports.
--
Day 325
Zexion made cupcakes! He's my new favorite.
Unfortunately, this launched the Superior into a monologue about how we don't have feelings and emotions and therefore should not experience the simple joy that comes from baked goods. Yea verily, so on and so forth ad nauseum.
Of course, he got all offended and called me a "faux-intellectual undermining the objective" when I brought up the idea that his work towards an evil bureaucracy was the desire for the comfort of order manifesting itself. Saïx passed me a note that said "Stop making up bullshit. And watch your back after dark." which means I'll have some new scars in a few weeks. Yippee. Saïx is such an ass-kissing douchebag.
And I still can't figure out if what I said was, in fact, bullshit or not.
Still no sign of the freak pair, though the garden remains well maintained and full of flesh-eating plants.
--
Patrol Record #1033
Agent: Me (Axel (again))
Clock-in Time: ix:xv
Clock-out Time: iii:vii
Encounters: 6...maybe
Issues: Marluxia's plants tried to eat me.
Comments: Seeing as the 'Issues' field is on a Patrol Record form, it would hopefully imply that the issues are to regard said patrol and nothing else. The Review Committee is growing tired of your asinine remarks on official Organization documents.
--
Ooo, look at that. Mansex gave my report to Saïx tonight. He is well versed in sarcasm, but not so much in humor.
Roxas was still doing something somewhere. My blackmail isn't working out too well for me.
So, lemme know what you think! More specifically, let me know if you thought it was too bland or boring or something along those lines. Because that's bad humor. D: