A/N: Hi everyone! It's been awhile :) Thanks to everyone who continue to review all my old stories. I do plan on finishing For Blue Skies at some point, but right now, I just really don't have a plot to run with, and until I figure out what the plot is, I won't be updating. Sorry!
I came up with the idea for this story kind of randomly the other day and decided to give it a shot since I haven't written anything in such a long time. Surprisingly, it turned out pretty well. There are some parts that I absolutely love, and I hope you guys enjoy it! I, unfortunately, do not own One Tree Hill (although if I did, I would probably do something about these Leyton spoilers I keep hearing about, grr). The song I used is "I Still" by the Backstreet Boys (love them!).
Just a little heads up- lyrics and flashbacks are italicized. Also, this story is completely AU. A little background: Lucas and Brooke are sophomores in college. Nathan, Haley, Peyton, etc. are also in the story, but they don't play a big part- also, they're not paired up in any way.
Sorry, that was a REALLY long A/N. Read and enjoy!! :)
- -
Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
She seemed different- there was something in the way she smiled; it was more sophisticated, yet still just as cute as before. Gone were the brown-framed glasses; instead, her large expressive eyes locked gaze with anyone who looked her way. She no longer hid behind a veil of long hair; it now framed nicely around her face, resting just a little past her shoulders. She would casually run her fingers through her hair, and he would be caught off-guard by that familiar scent- the smell of some tropical fruit that had always lingered on her pillow.
What do you do?
At this moment
When I think of you
Apparently, he wasn't the only one who realized her change. Every time he saw her now, she was surrounded by guys. They walked her to class, walked her back to her dorm, invited her to parties, but she was still the same. She smiled at them, said things that made them laugh and shake their heads, unable to resist her adorable charm, but that was all she did. When the weekend rolled around, she always ended right back in Peyton's room, the two of them hovering over a laptop watching the latest Heroes episode. She went shopping with Haley, and always returned practically buried under the huge amount of shopping bags, all the while proudly declaring what incredible sales they had spotted that day. On Sunday afternoons, she would sometimes show up at his door, arms full of textbooks, complaining that Peyton and Haley would not let her study in peace. She would settle herself on his bed, her eyes glued to the words of whatever political science theorist she was reading about now, her hand unconsciously reaching to tuck an escaped strand of hair behind her ear.
And he would watch her because that seemed to be the only thing he could do whenever she was in the room. Sometimes he would wonder how the hell she expected him to get any work done when she was lying on his bed, textbooks spread out all around her, the highlighter in her hand seemingly going at the light of speed. Didn't she have any idea how cute she looked when she was concentrating like this?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
It was when she was lying on his bed reading or playing Super Smash Brothers with Mouth and Skills that he would let the memories flood back. It was only then that he would let himself think of the girl that he once had.
"Lucas, I don't get it. Why do you use substitution instead of trigonometric identities here?" She pouted as she reached for the eraser, ready to destroy a good half hour worth of work.
"Because the bottom of the equation doesn't match any trigonometric identities that we learned, unless you want to make things really complicated…and Brooke, it's supposed to be a plus sign, not a minus. I think you copied the problem wrong."
"Argh!!" She flopped down onto her back in frustration. "Lucas, just so you know, I'm going to fail Calculus. Goodbye GPA. Goodbye law school."
"Brooke, you're not going to fail. And besides, you don't even need Calc for law school," he chuckled, but then saw that his words had not wiped the frown off his girlfriend's face. "Come here," he enveloped her into his arms and felt her relax slightly. "We'll get through it together, okay? I won't let you fail. I promise."
"Okay," she whispered softly. They stayed like that for several minutes without talking, while he rubbed her arms gently. "Luke," she finally said, "You're making me sleepy…"
"Then take a nap. You didn't get much sleep last night."
"Calc homework is calling my name…"
"Really? I don't hear a thing." He wrapped his arms around her tighter, burying his face into her hair.
She giggled. He loved the sound of her laugh. "Lucas Scott, you're such a distraction!"
"Oh really?" He looked at her with an evil glint in his eyes.
She knew what that meant. "No, no! Lucas, no tickling!" Too late. She shrieked as his hands attacked her waist, which he knew was her most vulnerable spot. "Lucas, stop!" She managed to escape for a second, and taking advantage of Lucas, who was advancing upon her again, she pounced, trapping him against the wall.
"Oww."
She was laughing too hard to even formulate a coherent sentence. "Your…fault…tickled me… Your…head…okay?"
"Brooke! You pushed me into a wall!"
"And you tickled me!" He almost laughed when he saw her stubborn expression, but he wasn't going to let her off this easily.
"Oww, my head hurts. Now I'm going to have a bump on my head…"
"Luke? Luke, are you okay?" Seeing his painful expression, she became worried. Leaning down, she cupped his face in her hands. "Luke, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to- "
She was silenced by his lips, and she froze for a second in shock, seeing that she was worried about him just a second before. He wrapped his arms around her, and she smiled slightly, opening her mouth and granting his tongue entrance. He ran his fingers through her hair, and pulled her closer, aching to feel her against himself.
She pulled away slightly and pouted, "You tricked me."
He chuckled. "You're so cute when you're worried." He kissed her again softly, his hand reaching up to cup the back of her head as he laid her gently on her back. He felt her intertwine her fingers with his while his other hand slid up her shirt. Oh god, she felt so soft and full- he just wanted to touch her and feel her inside of him. Slowly, he undid the clasp of her bra, and slid her shirt up, dropping butterfly kisses on her stomach, and then making his way upwards. His hands cupped her breasts and he squeezed gently. She moaned in response and he felt himself go hard. He wanted her, so bad.
"Luke," he could tell she was having trouble finding her voice, "Luke, we have to stop. If we don't…oh god, Luke."
"You don't want me to stop," he replied huskily, sweeping her long hair away from her neck, and started to suck on her favorite spot, gently at first, and then harder.
"Luke, stop. We have to stop. You know we can't…"
"Why not?" He knew that he was whining, but he couldn't help it.
"We talked about it, remember?" He pulled away, and was met with her sad eyes. "Not yet, not like this."
"Then when, Brooke? I know we said we would wait, and we have, but you know how I feel about you. I lo-"
"Don't."
"Why not, Brooke?" He was so frustrated. Why didn't she understand how he felt?
"Not until you're sure."
"Damn it, Brooke, I am sure! Why do you have to doubt my feelings for you?" He rolled off her, trying to calm his unsteady breathing.
"It's not just a word, Luke." She wanted to make him hear her, but she didn't know how to. "It's so much more than that. It's…a promise. I don't want you to say it unless you're absolutely sure. I can't deal with another broken promise, Luke."
He didn't know what to say. He knew she was afraid, but he didn't know how to show her that he did mean it, that he had never felt this way about anyone before. Suddenly he felt something wet on his shirt, and he looked down in horror as he realized that she was crying. "Brooke, please don't cry. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I pushed you. I just, I care about you so much."
"No, I'm the one who's sorry. I'm sorry that I'm so scared. I don't want to be like this either, but I can't…"
"Shh, it's okay, Brooke. It's okay." He pulled her onto his lap and rubbed her back softly, frustrated with himself for making her cry.
She settled her head in the crook of his neck. "Luke," she whispered, "I care about you too."
"I know, Brooke, I know." He kissed the top of her head gently. As he looked down on the girl he held in his arms, he made a silent vow that he would always protect her. He never wanted to see tears on her face, especially not because of him. Never.
"Luke, Luke!" He snapped out of his reverie to her calling his name. "You seemed deep in thought. What were you thinking about?"
"Oh, it was nothing. Just spaced out for a bit."
It was everything.
No matter how I fight it, can't deny it
Just can't let you go
He couldn't deny that Brooke's recent popularity amongst guys bothered him- did any of them even see her for who she is? Did they want to get to know her…the real her? Did they know all the little details about her that he knew? The way she picks at her lip when she's thinking, the way she curls into a ball when she sleeps, the way her face lights up when she's happy. They wanted the pretty, cute, funny Brooke, but he also saw the vulnerable and insecure girl, and he loved her- both of her.
He just couldn't be with her.
It should not have been a surprise when one day, Mouth came up to him, looking nervous and uneasy, stammering about having liked a girl for a long time but not knowing what to do about it. Mouth had always been shy, so he was not surprised by his nervousness. Until…
"I just wanted to know if it was okay…"
"Dude, you need my permission to date a girl?"
"It's Brooke."
Oh shit.
I still need you
I still care about you
The problem was… there was no problem. Mouth was the perfect guy- nice, understanding, trustworthy. He would never make her cry.
Now that he thought about it, or at least tried to think about it, he couldn't imagine another guy touching her the way he used to. It hurt to even try to think about it.
But he had to do it- for Brooke's sake.
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you like I'm right beside you
"Hey, Brooke." He hoped he sounded casual enough, and that his voice wouldn't expose him of his inner anxiety.
"What's up, Luke?"
Dear god, he thought, please don't look at me with those eyes. Don't look at me like the way you used to. "What do you think of Mouth?"
"Mouth?" She seemed surprised at his question. "I love Mouth! He's one of the most amazing guys I've met."
Ouch, that hurt. "That's great…because Mouth likes you."
Silence.
But still no word from you.
"You're kidding."
"No, I'm not.
"Lucas," she sighed, "Don't start, please? We promised that we wouldn't start rumors like this."
"It's not a rumor, Brooke. Mouth told me. He's liked you for awhile, but he's just too scared to say anything."
"Luke, this is Mouth we're talking about. Mouth's my friend- we get along so well. You must have misunderstood what he said. He couldn't possibly like me."
"Brooke, he's a nice guy. Why couldn't he like you?"
"I know he's nice. He's so nice he's practically my little brother!" He was about to interrupt, but she continued. "Luke, let's not talk about this, okay? Mouth hasn't said anything. For all you know, maybe he was drunk that day or wasn't thinking clearly…"
"Brooke…"
"I don't want to talk about this, not until I know for sure, not until Mouth says something. To me, okay?"
He nodded, seemingly reluctantly, but he was relieved. Because she would still be his Brooke. For just a little while longer.
Now look at me
Instead of moving on
I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
A few days later, he was in the lounge with her as well as Mouth and Skills when Peyton came running in. "Davis. Spill. Right now."
She looked bewildered. "About what?"
"About why I saw you kissing Chase on the quad today!"
He felt as if he had just gotten the wind knocked out of him. Chase? The Clean-Teen Chase from his high school? He saw her blush and fidget slightly. "Correction- he kissed me."
"And you kissed him back! I saw you!" Damn, Peyton sure was persistent today.
All of a sudden, Mouth stood up and started to gather his books, mumbling something about having a meeting to go to, and promptly rushed off. Lucas locked eyes with her, giving her the "I told you so" look.
She looked down, and he recognized the guilty expression on her face. "It didn't mean anything," she whispered. He knew that he shouldn't have felt the weight lift off his shoulders when she said that, but he did.
"It didn't mean anything," she repeated again, this time looking into his eyes, and for some reason, he felt as if her words were only meant for him.
Yeah, I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't mean to last
That night, she ended up at his door. "You were right…about Mouth."
"That's no surprise- I'm always right." He tried to make a joke, but failed miserably.
"I told him yes."
"That's great!" He had to smile no matter how big the lump in his throat was.
"It's just one date. I didn't want to hurt him…" There was something in her eyes, and he was shocked by the realization that he couldn't read her as well as before.
"Mouth is a great guy. I'm sure he'll make you happy."
She mumbled something that he didn't quite catch, and quickly rushed off.
She was going to be happy. He knew it.
I've tried to fight, can't deny it
You don't even know that
Mouth was a nervous wreck. "Dude, it's tomorrow, and I still don't have anything planned. I don't know what she likes, and I don't want to disappoint her. What if she thinks the date's lame? What if she doesn't like me? What if…"
"Mouth, chill!" Lucas was tired of watching him pace around the room. "Brooke's very laid-back. Anything you plan will be fine, trust me."
"But I want it to be perfect. I want it all to be perfect- for her." Mouth seemed to be too nervous to notice Lucas' annoyance.
He sighed. He really shouldn't be taking out his frustration on Mouth. After all, Mouth had no idea, and he planned it to keep it that way, of what was bothering him. "Look, Mouth, Brooke loves the playground. Take her there."
"The playground?" Mouth looked skeptical. "For a date?"
He nodded. "Take her there at night. Sit with her on the swings, and show her the stars. She'll love that, I promise."
I still need you
I still care about you
She could tell that Mouth was nervous, and she felt bad. She didn't want him to feel awkward; after all, they were friends, and she wanted him to just be himself and have a good time. She already felt bad enough about the incident with Chase. She hadn't meant for anyone to find out about it because to her, it really didn't mean anything. She didn't feel for him that way.
"Where are we going?" She asked casually, hoping to break Mouth from his shell.
"You'll see- it's a surprise," he responded. They walked down the street, heading in the direction of the subway, and she assumed that they were going into the city…
Until they stopped in front of the gated playground.
"What are we doing here?" She whispered, hoping that her voice did not tremble.
"Now that we've officially started dating, shouldn't we go on, ya know, a date?" She laid with her head in his lap as she buried her face into his shirt, breathing in his scent.
"A date? Sure. Where do you want to go?" He played with her hair softly.
"Isn't it a guy's job to figure out those things?" She responded, teasingly.
He chuckled. "Yeah, but can't you at least give me an idea?"
"How about the playground? I've always wanted to do that."
"The playground?" He looked down at her incredulously. He had been expecting a movie, or a dinner, or something else along those lines.
"Yeah," she blushed prettily, "That's how it's done on TV- that, and amusement parks- but I don't think there are any of those around here."
"Okay, the playground it is then. Tomorrow night."
"It's your favorite place, isn't it?" He sounded so anxious that she had to nod.
Though everything's been said and done
She sat down awkwardly on the swing next to him, gently swaying back and forth. Next to her, Mouth was silent. The wind blew across her face. It was a cold night.
"Luke, it's freezing." She stuffed her hands into the pockets of her jeans.
"Come here." He pulled her onto his lap and rubbed her arms gently. "Geez, it is really cold." He reached up and put on the hoodie to his sweatshirt.
She burst into laughter. "Luke, you look sketchy!"
He raised his eyebrow. "Sketchy, eh?" He squinted his eyes, and pulled his hoodie around his head tighter, making his eyes even smaller than before. "How's this now?"
She giggled and pushed his hair away from his eyes. "Luke, stop it. You look like some sketchy guy on a random street. I don't want to date a sketchy guy."
He shook his head at her words, but finally surrendered, taking off his hood. He swayed gently on the swing with her still on his lap. She leaned back slightly so that her head rested in the crook of his neck. He intertwined his fingers with hers, and felt her melt into his arms. She fitted so perfectly. God, he loved holding her.
"Brooke, are you cold?" He asked tentatively, afraid of her silence, but even more afraid to speak.
"No, I'm fine."
I still feel you like I'm right beside you
"I'm glad you agreed to come, Brooke."
She looked at him and smiled gently. She didn't know what to say. This never happened to her- she always had the right things to say.
"I've always liked you, but I just…I never thought that a girl like you would go for a guy like me. I've liked you ever since the dance at the beginning of the year…"
"When did you realize you liked me?"
Her question stumped him. "When? I don't know. I guess it was a gradual thing…"
"There must have been a moment when you knew for sure."
"Was there one for you?"
She nodded. "It was the night we watched Oceans Twelve in your room. I don't remember a single thing that happened in that movie- I think I talked through the entire thing."
"So it was Oceans Twelve that did it for you?"
"Well, I guess I had known before," she continued. "But that night, I remember whenever you left the room, I would giggle to myself and just act really…weird." She saw the expression on his face and looked away hurriedly. "Yeah, I know, it's really stupid and school-girly…"
"Hey." He lifted up her chin so that she was looking into his eyes. "Don't be embarrassed. I think it's really cute. And I'm glad you felt that way."
She blushed, and buried her face into his chest. He rubbed her back softly and started to speak, "I think it was at the dance. I was with Nathan, but I was looking for you the whole night, and when I couldn't find you, I kept trying to call you. Nathan started asking me if I liked you, and I told him that I didn't know. But I did."
"If I had known that you were looking for me, I would have stayed longer…"
"It's okay. We found each other now, didn't we?"
"I knew you last year, but only through Lucas. And then this year when I saw you at the dance, you looked beautiful, Brooke. I think…I think I fell for you then."
But still no word from you
"Mouth, you're a great guy, you know. I'm glad that I got to know you this year."
He smiled and nodded, grateful for her words. And those words were the only ones that she could give him. She couldn't give him anything else.
"Look at the stars, Brooke. They're beautiful, just like you…"
She couldn't breathe.
"The stars finally came out, Luke!" She jumped up from the bench that they had been sitting up, and pointed at the sky excitedly.
He smiled at her innocence. He wanted her to always be like the way she was now. Standing up behind her, he wrapped his arms around her waist, and the two of them stood there, together, gazing up at the stars.
"Can you see the constellations, Brooke? Look there's-"
"There's Orion's Belt, see it?" He took her hand and traced the pattern against the sky.
"Wow, I've learned about the constellations, but I've never actually tried looking for them in the sky. It's so amazing…"
"One time I went camping, and we-"
"We slept outside for the night, and we were so faraway from everything that there weren't any city lights to block out the stars. The entire sky was covered with them. It was so beautiful."
"I've never gone camping before. I wish I could go…"
"I'll take you camping. Once it's spring, and I get my tent from home, we can go."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Have you ever gone camping, Brooke? Brooke…what's wrong? Are you okay?"
I wish I could find you
She jumped to her feet, unaware that tears were streaming down her face. "I'm sorry, Mouth. I have to go."
He stared in horror at her tears. What had he said that made her cry? He grabbed her arm in desperation. "Brooke, what's wrong? Why are you crying? Was it something I said? Do you not like it here? Lucas said-"
"Lucas?" The realization dawned on her. And she ran.
Just like you found me, then I
Would never let you go
Stunned could not even describe his reaction when he opened the door. She was crying- the mascara was smudged on her face- but to him, she still looked so beautiful. "Brooke, what-"
"How could you? How could you let him take me there? How could you let him say those things to me?" She was yelling before he could finish his sentence.
"Brooke, what are you talking about?" He put his hand on her shoulder in an effort to calm her down, but she wrenched herself away from his grasp.
"The playground, the stuff about the stars, and camping. How could you do this to me?"
"What camping?" He was genuinely confused.
"The camping trip that you went on, where you slept under the stars! You must have told him to say that- how else would he have-"
"Mouth went on the camping trip with me, Brooke," he replied, painfully.
She was silent for a moment, her eyes full of unshed tears boring into his. He wanted to kiss her tears away, just like before, but he knew he had lost that right long ago.
Her legs seemed to give out all of a sudden, and she sat down abruptly onto his bed. "You told him to take me there, didn't you?" She asked softly, her energy from before completely drained.
He nodded, unable to speak.
"You didn't have to do that, Luke. If you don't like me, if you want to be rid of me, you didn't have to do that…You didn't have to undermine everything that place meant to me."
He closed his eyes and shook his head. "That wasn't what I was trying to do, Brooke."
"Then why?" She whispered. "That was where we had our first date…"
"I know. That's why- because you were so happy."
I still need you
"Do you know what it's like?" Her voice broke, but she continued bravely on. "Do you know what it's like to look at the stars by myself? And I can never find it anymore- Orion's Belt. I try and try but I can't- it just doesn't make sense without you. The stars. They don't make sense anymore."
He wasn't sure if she was talking to herself or to him. He wanted to tell her, that he could find it for her again, but he knew that she wasn't really talking about stars anymore.
"Luke, did you mean what you said? Did you not want me anymore?" This was always the question she wanted to ask, but was too afraid to. She was afraid of what his answer might be.
"Brooke, I never said that…"
"You might as well have. You said that you didn't want a relationship anymore, that you weren't sure if this was what you wanted."
"I can't make you understand, Brooke."
"Why not? Am I too shallow? Am I not complex enough? Is that it?"
"Damn it, Brooke," he turned away from her in frustration. "Why do you have to make it so damn hard?"
"Make what hard? This? You made the decision, Luke. You were the one who chose to let go, after everything that you said, everything that I said."
He could hear the tears in her voice, and it made him snap. He hated this- he hated hurting her. "I couldn't make you happy, okay?" he shouted. "That's the truth. I tried and tried, but you weren't happy. I had to let you go. I couldn't…I couldn't go on knowing that you were hurting- that I was hurting you. I couldn't stand it."
Though everything's been said and done
His outburst was met only with silence. After what seemed like eternity, she finally spoke. "What made you think I wasn't happy?"
"Everything. You always talked about not fitting into my world, and I tried so hard to make you happy again, but I couldn't. I could see it in your eyes, in the way you smiled. I couldn't do that to you anymore, Brooke."
"Did you think that it would hurt me less to let me go?" she asked fiercely.
He shook his head in defeat. "All I know is that…I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me, even if I'm not the one who can put a smile on your face. That's all I want for you, Brooke."
"You were always the one who could make me smile, Luke. You still are."
"Brooke-"
He was silenced by her lips on his. He stumbled from the impact of her body, but he found his hands settling on the familiar part of her waist. Her arms circled around his neck as she pulled him closer to her. God, she still tasted the same- a mixture of blueberries and apples from the chapstick she always used. His hand reached up and entangled with her hair. Her lips parted and allowed him to explore the crevices that he had once known so well- that he still knew.
I still feel you
She pulled away slightly after a few seconds, "Tell me you didn't feel it. Tell me it didn't feel like before."
He couldn't lie to her- he had never been able to lie to her. "Brooke, don't."
She saw it in his eyes. "It doesn't change anything, does it?" He didn't answer. She pulled away and laughed bitterly, "I know you. You never go back on what you decide."
"Brooke…"
"Answer me."
He swallowed painfully. "No."
She was starting to pull away- he could see it. "Brooke, I want you to be happy…."
He was surprised when she gently laid her hand against his cheek. "Are you happy, Luke?"
He could never be happy without her, but he nodded for her sake. He would lie just this once, for her- for her happiness.
She paused for a moment. "Okay." She gave him a wistful smile, and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.
He watched her walk away. Her hand was on the doorknob when he called out, "Brooke!"
She looked back.
"You'll find it again – someday. Orion's Belt. It'll always be there. I promise."
Like I'm right beside you
"I love you, Luke."
His breath caught- that was the first time she had ever said it to him.
"But sometimes it's just not enough, is it?"
The door closed. And she was gone.
But still no word from you
"I love you too."
- -
So what did you guys think? Personally, I like the ending, but I also made it so if I were to turn this into a multi-chapter story, I would be able to. So please review!! If you guys like it and think I should continue, tell me! Now go ahead and click that little review button, pretty please? :)