Torture

Disclaimer: I don't own The OC, blah blah.

A/N: Takes place after "The Brothers Grim", but there's no Trey. Pretend Trey didn't get a "Get out of jail free" card, all right? That's pretty much why this is slightly A/U. Very Seth-centric one shot. I tried to make it only Seth/Ryan but my Sethunmmer slut got a hold of me, and I think it actually really works like this. Please review because I'm really nervous about putting this out there.

Ryan's pretty stupid for a guy that spends almost all his time studying. Ryan used to spend almost all his time with Seth, but that stopped a while ago when Ryan started getting all romantic. With girls that is, not Seth. Seth wouldn't mind if Ryan got all romantic with him, though.

Seth wishes that Ryan was telepathic so he could receive those "I really, really like you" messages Seth's been sending him. Summer's his dream, yeah, and he never thought that someone would come along that made him want to forget all about Summer. And he really never thought that they'd be a guy. Or living in his house.

Seth adores Summer, maybe even loves her, but he'd let her go in a second if he could be with Ryan.

Ryan's back with Marissa, so she takes up all the time he has not studying. Ryan has to clean up her messes, and Seth silently tells him that Seth would never make any messes for Ryan. He'd clean his own messes. He'd bring his own mop and soap and sponge, and Ryan could just watch.

So Seth is always with Summer. And then they meet for about fifteen minutes to chat and sit and then it's time for one of them to make their exit.

Seth can't count all the dreams he's had where he grabs Ryan's wrist and hisses, "Stay". And he can't count all the times when he'd watch Ryan's lips, wondering what they felt like. And he knows that Ryan isn't in a boy band and he isn't a screaming teenybopper, but he'd like a poster of Ryan on his wall. A life-size Ryan for him to kiss before he goes to bed every night, because he'd like to do that to the real Ryan, but if Ryan's off with Marissa then that won't be happening.

Seth snaps a picture of he and Ryan Ryan when Ryan's mid- "No" and he'snot smilingor anything, just concentrating on clicking the picture,and tacks it on his wall. Summer asks him about it, because there's no picture of her and she's no stupid, and he just shrugs.

"Ryan hates it. I like to torture him," he replies quickly. He congratulates himself in his head for that one.

"You're torturing me," she mumbles.

Seth shoots his head up. "What?"

Summer sits up. "You, like, love him," she states.

Seth leans on his elbow. "No..." is all he can say. Well, he doesn't want to lie.

Summer rolls her eyes. "Cohen, I already knew. It's fucking obvious. Just tell me...Do you like him more then me?"

Seth shakes his head rapidly. Another lie. It doesn't matter, because he's finally got Summer back and he doesn't care that he's lying. He'll never have Ryan, so he won't screw up what he does have.

Summer shoots him a look, disbelieving, but doesn't do anything else but kiss him. Seth knows he usually does that when she wants to shut him up, but he isn't saying anything. Seth thinks about that, and then he realizes that that's just it. She doesn't want to hear anything more. And he doesn't either. He wishes so badly that he didn't like Ryan, but that's a lie too, because having him or not, dreaming about Ryan is like bliss.

And not dreaming about him would be torture.

Seth has a dream that night. Ryan's kissing him and Summer's rubbing his thigh, and it's like the perfect equation. He curses himself for waking up, because when he does he's very alone and in a very cold bed, with no Ryan or Summer.

And he knows that if he keeps playing his cards like he has been, that's exactly how he's going to end up. Because Seth can't have them both, but he'll try.

Seth is greedy and he wants everything he can have. And he doesn't want to hurt anyone but, fuck, he's been hurt himself. By both of them. And they've both been hurt by him. It all adds up, really.

Seth fumbles downstairs into the kitchen for a glass of water. As he drinks the cool tap water, he starts to contemplate a plan. If only he could get Ryan and Summer together.

He erases that from his thoughts because then they'd like each other more then him, and that's the last thing Seth wants. And then he's greedy again.

He tumbles up the stairs, half awake, and crawls back into his cold bed.

Seth had a few goals, and one of them was to relive the past. He wanted to be back in the old days, before Ryan went to Chino and he did the dumbest thing ever. When he went to Portland and spent the summer making out with Luke drunkenly.

Okay, so a few nights of too many drinks and too little talking don't add up to a whole summer. But it's what sticks out in his mind the most. Seth still feels guilty for doing that to Luke. But besides, Luke didn't really like him, so there's no reason for guilt. Luke was basically Seth's Ryan stand-in. And Ryan never let Seth grope him, so in that sense, Luke was a better Ryan than the real Ryan.

Seth finally concluded that he was bisexual when he thought he was falling in love with Ryan, Summer, and Anna all at the same time. Straight guys don't really have those types of problems, do they? Seth wouldn't really know, because he isn't one of them.

But Seth wasn't yearning for the times when Marissa and Ryan played mommy and daddy to the mischievous Seth and Summer. He knew exactly what he wanted – February 2004. Best month of his life. Granted, one of his best friends left, but everything else was...fantastic. He had Summer and Ryan was like his personal toy. He could pull him out whenever he needed him.

Seth knew how selfish it was, but he didn't give a fuck, because after about sixteen years of alienation by every other person his age he figured he deserved to have some attention paid to him. And not the kind of attention that got him shoved into a wall and the word queer addressed to him, even if he sort of is. But not completely. But it doesn't matter.

He accepts that he will never achieve that goal, because Ryan and Summer won't be at his mercy all the time and Marissa will always be in the picture. Not that he wants Marissa out of the state or anything, but she really isn't welcome in Seth's goals.

She wasn't in his dream, now was she?

Ryan and Seth are having a fifteen minute pool house session – a talking session, to Seth's disappointment – when Ryan randomly, or not so randomly, says, "Summer said you liked me, a lot."

Seth feels his throat get a little dry, and then tries to think that Ryan hasn't spoken, and they're both just sitting in silence. He likes that idea, and continues to ramble about Superman Vs. Spiderman, and how their costumes share the same basic colors. Ryan cuts him off, and Seth swears he might just be in the twilight zone because Ryan Atwood has just interrupted him.

"I heard her saying it to Marissa,"

Seth shakes his head. "Summer's kind of insane."

"So are you," Ryan replies smugly.

Seth figures that if Ryan has time to me smug, he must believe him. Seth erases the instant from his mind and decides to keep talking about anything that keeps him from picturing Ryan in a Superman outfit. He wishes he had never gotten that mental image, but when he does...

"But, dude, are you?" Ryan says.

Seth shakes his head again, quickly. "No, dude, I mean...gross." Gross is the last thing Seth would think of when it comes to Ryan, but oh well, it's a lie. He's getting good at it.

"Cool." Ryan says.

"Are you bi, man?" Seth spits out suddenly. He wants to take it back in. He wishes he never said it. He starts sucking in air through his mouth, wishing the sound waves of his voice would go in too.

Ryan swallows. "No." he replies, firmly.

Seth nods, and wants to rush out of the pool house crying like a little boy. He's just ruined the best friendship he's had in his life.

"Except for..." Ryan says quietly, "this guy."

Seth now wants to jump up on Ryan's bed and dance around the pool house like a dumbass. But then he realizes that maybe Ryan isn't talking about him.

"I knew in Chino. He looked kinda like you and, and..." Ryan stops, looking into Seth's wide eyes.

"I shouldn't be telling you this. Can we forget that?" he murmurs.

Seth shakes his head. "You can tell me, dude."

To Seth's utter surprise, he does. "I used to pretend you were him sometimes. And I'd want to..." his voice reaches a whisper, "kiss,"

Neither of the two speak for a while. Seth thinks he's breaking his all time silence record, and the last time he was this quiet was before he knew how to talk. He can't help but lose the battle to the huge cliché that's rising in his throat and out of his mouth. "So do it," he says.

And Ryan gets out of his chair and climbs on top of Seth and kisses him hard and soft. And it's just like Seth dreamed, but better, because this is real Ryan. Seth thinks for a second that Luke is no longer a better Ryan than real Ryan, and then his thoughts drift off to Summer. Guilt creeps up on him and vanishes away all the other emotions Seth's feeling, but he doesn't stop kissing Ryan.

Seth has Summer under his arm as the "Fantastic Four" sit at a diner and talk about whatever they can. He avoids looking at Ryan, because when he does, he can't stop. Maybe it's the lighting, but Seth can almost swear Ryan's got a fucking golden glow around him.

They stopped the kissing routine after a month. They almost got caught by Marissa and Ryan immediately felt horrible and got all broody until he and Seth decided they'd end whatever they had. The fifteen minute pool house chats have deteriorated into Seth waking Ryan up on Sundays. Seth regrets ever spitting out those dumb words, "so do it".

Essentially, Ryan chose Marissa over Seth and Seth chose Ryan over Summer. He misses his best friend, but he had his dream, didn't he? Well, Summer was never involved in the kissing that he and Ryan did and vice versa, but it made it easier for him to dream.

And now everything should be going back to normal soon. But it never was normal.

Seth opens the pool house door one Sunday morning, uninvited. Ryan's reading, of course, on his bed. Seth shoves away all his romantic feeling for Ryan in a teeny little corner and sighs, "I miss this place."

Ryan shoots him his "I'm Busy" look and snaps, "You were here yesterday."

"You know it's different now. Look, we both were being stupid and we shouldn't have," Seth takes a breath, "done what he did. But too late. So let's talk."

Ryan shrugs. "We can. Later. Chem test tomorrow."

"You suck," Seth sputters, and then resists an "Actually, we never got there, but I'm sure you would've."

Ryan lets out a light laugh. "Come back in twenty minutes and we'll talk, 'kay?"

Seth smiles and nods. "Kay," he says, making it his shortest sentence ever.

He turns back as he closes the door and finds himself staring at Ryan's lips. He misses them. He misses kissing them, touching them. It's torture all over again.

Seth goes up to his room and takes the photograph off the wall, just to hold it in his hands and study it. He catches something he hadn't caught before – Ryan's eyes are locked on his lips too.

Seth can't help but wonder if Ryan's being tortured too.