A.N.: Hey! So I got a new one for you... real short. I had most of this written in October, wanting to post it around Halloween. It's not a scary Halloween fic but my inspiration led me to want to write an angst/hurt/comfort creepy fic. But I abandoned it when my laptop fucked up on me (but I was able to revive it) & now am only getting to it. Plus I'm in a bit of a funk, so I just needed to let it out in a story like this.
I kinda broke my rule with this but the song I used as inspiration got to me. This is not a romantic one, though Bella and Edward's love is mentioned. There is no real HEA. Just a warning.
So I really hope you like this even if it's not happy.
Thanks Ashley (Pandora's Box is Heavy - go read her stories if you haven't! Especially Brown Eyes and Stalkerboy!) for pre-reading this. I appreciate it when you tell me your thoughts and it touched me when you said it was moving and made you tear up (even when I don't want to make people cry!). Love ya lots! (Taylor Swift heart symbol made with my hands cuz I can't type out a heart... ok maybe I'll say less than 3 to substitute lol!)
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight... we all know Stephenie Meyer does. And I don't own the rights to Kelly Clarkson's 'Haunted'. She wrote it and RCA Records hold the rights of ownership of the song... I'm just borrowing the lyrics.
Louder, louder
The voices in my head
Whispers, taunting
All the things you said
Faster the days go by and I'm still
Stuck in this moment of wanting you here
Time
In the blink of an eye
You held my hand,
You held me tight
Now you're gone
And I'm still crying
Shocked,
Broken
I'm dying inside
(You were smiling...)
Where are you?
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me
Shadows linger
Only to my eye
I see you, I feel you
Don't leave my side
It's not fair
Just when I found my world
They took you, they broke you,
They tore out your heart
I miss you, you hurt me
You left with a smile
Mistaken, your sadness
Was hiding inside
Now all that's left
Are the pieces to find
The mystery you kept
The soul behind a guise
(You were smiling...)
Where are you
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me
Why did you go?
All these questions run through my mind
I wish I couldn't feel at all
Let me be numb
I'm starting to fall!
(To fall...)
Where are you?
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me
Where are you?
Where... are... you?
(I can't survive unless I know you're with me)
You were smiling
You were smiling
You were...
Smiling
Kelly Clarkson ~ Haunted
I sit in this house alone.
He's not here with me anymore.
I still don't know what made him leave.
Was it me?
No... it couldn't be.
He said he loved me. He loved me.
But if he loved me, why did he leave?
Why did he kill himself?
Why?
WHY?
I collapse on the couch and sob till no more tears could be wept. I was so confused as to why he would do such a thing. Was he unhappy? Was he sick? Did he believe that I wasn't meant to be with him forever? Did he want something better for me... someone better?
No one would be better than Edward.
He was the best... the best for me. No one would top him.
It's been two weeks since he left me in this world. The world seems so dark now. Edward was my light. My love. Now the light disappeared and it was all cloudy.
We had bought this house three years ago after we had married. Bought it straight out... no loans. Edward came from money and had a rather large inheritance from his late grandfather. He used it to buy us a house. A gorgeous house with five bedrooms and three bathrooms. With a large pool in the backyard and a beautiful kitchen where I made all our meals. It was everything I could want in a house in Seattle. It was perfect.
But now it was just a reminder of him.
I'm selling it.
Someone else could have happy memories here 'cause they were gone for me. All I had left were sad memories that made me cry everytime I thought of them. Every room had a history with us... most of them sex memories, how we christened every room and every area in a room. How he took me hard on the kitchen island... how he slammed into me as we fucked against the walls... how he made love to me gentle and slow in our bed.
I'm tossing out almost every memory of him, except any pictures of us... those are the only things I'm keeping. The only reminders of him. And maybe one shirt of his, but even then, soon, it'll lose his scent and I'll be left with nothing again.
I'm selling our furniture, our fancy, unused silverware and plateware, the cars (except mine, the one I bought on my own with my own money), everything that was once ours, what we bought. I have no use of it anymore because he's not here. I don't want it to be mine. I want it gone.
I've been living in a hotel lately, check out date indefinite. I'm waiting till the house and all it's reminders are out of my life. I'm not even keeping a majority the money... I'm donating it to many charities Edward and his company were associated with. A last gift from him since he passed.
I'm pretty well off since he died. Obviously I'm getting everything. Well, the charities are getting some, a good three-quarters of his money (and there was a lot of it), and he gave some possessions away to family members. Before I went through all our stuff, I made sure the stuff he was giving away was given to their new owners.
I'm putting things in boxes, whimpering and letting a few tears fall. I look at everything and a memory has to pass through my mind. And every time I hear a voice...
"Bella... my sweet Bella."
It's a mere whisper. I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me, or the wind, but it's been going on for the past two weeks. I hear it several times a day and it's always, "Bella... my sweet Bella," or "Bella... let me go...". Every time I hear it, I shudder in fear. I know it's Edward. He's still here... somewhere in this house. He's gone, but has never left.
And it scares me.
When I saw my husband, passed out on the ground, a bottle of pills in his hand and a letter on the bathroom floor, I knew he was gone and did it to himself. He escaped this world, and left me alone and his reason was because he loved me and didn't want me suffering with him.
He was not himself for a good year or so. He was stuck in a routine: wake up, kiss me good morning, shower, eat breakfast with me, kiss me goodbye, go to work, come home, kiss me hello, eat dinner with me, spend time doing some work in his office, watch TV with me or make love to me (depending how in the mood he was), kiss me goodnight as we laid in bed, and fell asleep... repeat. Occasionally the routine would mix up, with us spending time with our families and going out to dinner or a club, with a fuck thrown in there, but a good 90 percent of the time was that routine, and I guess he was sick of it.
And he was sick.
He never told me until I read it in his suicide letter. He was depressed and believed the world was against him. He hid it quite well for the most part, letting it slip every now and then, but I never thought he was really sick.
I was so angry with him at first, not letting the sadness hit me until he was buried in the ground. I was angry at him for only thinking of himself and leaving me alone. We could have got him help, but it seemed that he was too far in that help would be completely and utterly useless. Then I felt the pain and sadness. He really was gone.
He wrote that he did it for me, so I could live on, live a happy and healthy life, with a healthy relationship with a man. And it was weird that he would write that because he was so possessive of me and would give the 'I'll be watching you' look to any guy who looked at me with lust. If he acted like that, how could he say he wanted me to be with someone who was fine and not sick like he was?
I still don't see his point.
He also wrote that he was happy that he was leaving, and I swear I saw a smile on his pale face. He was happy that he wasn't gonna be suffering anymore and he wanted me happy, to be happy that I didn't have to see his pain and suffering.
I can't be happy now that he's gone. He pretty much took my soul with him when he left, though I believe he's still here, not leaving until I accept it. But I won't accept it because he was it for me. No one could ever top him.
"Bella... my sweet Bella..."
I heard it again, it much closer, as if it was really being whispered in my ear. I let out a sob again. I knew Edward was with me. He won't let me go until I was able to let him go.
Until you send me away will I let you go.
That was what he had said to me the day he told me he loved me. He wasn't gonna give up on me, wasn't gonna leave me until I tell him to. And even in his death I wasn't gonna send him away and find someone new to make me happy once again.
I wasn't gonna be happy anymore.
I was just as gone as he was.
"Let me go..."
"No! I won't!" I stood up and walked outside. I needed the fresh air. It was a chilly fall morning. I wrapped myself tighter in my sweater. The wind blew around me, pieces of my hair whipping around me. I felt a chill run though me, but I knew it wasn't the wind. He was beside me... I knew it. I felt his touch.
"Bella... my sweet Bella..."
The damn voice won't go away. The only way to get rid of it was to move on, but I just can't!
"Bella... let me go..."
I turned on my heel and went back inside, but I knew the presence would just keep following me, taunting me, until I moved on.
As much as this voice scared me, I sort of welcomed it. It reminded me that Edward wasn't completely gone, that he was in my head and my heart. He had my heart and soul and I wasn't taking it back from him. I want him near me, even if in spirit form. I wanted to keep hearing the voice, for him to speak to me. It was my only way of survival, my only way of knowing he actually existed in this world with me... desiring and loving me.
"I miss you, Edward. I didn't know how sad you were. But I thought we were happy... I thought you were happy. Please... why did you go? Why did you leave me on my own? You of all people should have known you were everything to me and I wasn't going to give you up."
"Let me go..."
"No!" I screamed before getting up to just leave the house for now and then coming face to face with him. He was practically transparent. So pale... so cold...
"Let me go, love," he whispered as he cupped my face in his hands. So cold...
"I can't!" I sobbed. "I can't just let you go! Too much has happened. Too many memories! I can sell everything and still there will be some part of you around! Why? Where are you? Where is the man I love? He's not here!"
"Bella... my sweet Bella..."
"Please..."
"Let me go, Bella... you need to let me go... I'm only holding you back from happiness. Just because I wasn't happy with my life doesn't mean you can't."
"I thought we were happy."
"You were the only sunshine in my world... my only ray of light that made me look forward to another day... waking up to you, seeing you, kissing you, making love to you, and then going to sleep with you in my arms were the best things that happened in my days. Everything else was dark... but even then... even though you were my only happiness, it wasn't enough for me. I was not enough for you. Please let me go, my sweet Bella..."
Edward kissed me softly and then faded into smoke right before my eyes, but he wasn't gone. He'll never be gone unless I do as he asks and let him go... but why is it so hard?
I walked back into the house to pack whatever was needed to be, and then I went back to the hotel.
In my dreams he still haunted me... me hearing his whispers.
"Let me go..."
It wasn't going to work... Edward will forever be a part of me. I know he won't give up, I know he'll forever taunt me with his velvet voice and follow me around even when I leave here for good. Me seeing glimpses of him and his smile. Me feeling his warm touch against me. But it's what's gonna keep me going everyday.
I can't survive unless I know you're with me, baby.
A.N.: So what did you think? I know it's not what i usually write and was not an overly happy story or had an HEA. But I really appreciate you all reading it and I also appreciate feedback and comments, so please leave a review! Thanks! :)
If you're reading Who's Your Daddy? I posted the third outtake. So of you need a pick me up after reading this it's posted. And if you haven't checked out Who's Your Daddy? GO READ IT! Like I said, if you need a pick me up, it's real funny and has an HEA (I PROMISE!). It follows the storyline of Look Who's Talking with my own twist.
If you'd like to hear 'Haunted' by Kelly Clarkson, I found two versions... they're both good. The first one was the original album one (the one I know) and I don't know where the second version was found by the person who uploaded it, but it's a bit more of a remix to me, but it's good. This is my second favorite song off her My December album, and I totally recommend the entire album.
www(.)youtube(.)com/watch?v=YI3WuKKXY3I
www(.)youtube(.)com/watch?v=6UJKTdMezQo
OK, thanks for reading! xoxo