It was a well-known fact that Thomas Barrow was not an affectionate man. Years of being looked down upon by sappy over emotional people had hardened his heart and embittered his attitude towards the world. He had never been shown kindness or friendship by anyone at the big house, so he had never seen any reason to demonstrate such feelings toward anyone else. Instead he had focused his attention on keeping his job, and staying under the grand the roof over his head. Perhaps his ambitions were not all he made them out to be.
He enjoyed having that feeling of importance that being first footman gave him. He also wanted to rise above and beyond and secure himself a position as butler. So when Thomas had arrived at Downton all those many years ago, he had allied himself with the first person he found he had the most in common with: Sarah O'Brien.
They both looked at the world in a more realistic way than the clods they worked with. Neither of them fussed or kneeled at the feet of their superiors like everyone else did. And they both had their hearts set in climbing the food chain.
He had known right from the beginning the type of person that O'Brien was. She was a snake, just like himself, always looking out for what was best for her and her alone. He had never been one to gossip until the first time he had stepped outside in the courtyard with her. He'd listened intently to the information she had given him on the former first footman who had been having some suspicious meetings with a maid behind the shed which led to his eventual dismissal. The unfortunate event had allowed Thomas to get a promotion to first footman. For years Thomas slaved away working for the Crawley's save for the time that he had fought in the war which had taken Edward and Williams lives with it. Thanks to Mr. Bates and ironically Miss O'Brien's stupid mistakes, he had eventually risen to his current position as under butler.
Of course, Thomas had had his own share of unfortunate events in his life, the difference being that they had not been provoked by his own hand unlike the stupid bloke whom he had taken the first footman position from all those years ago. He'd been the second child of a clockmaker back in Leeds. He'd always had great love and respect for his father who had brought him up to have a trade in the clock making business so that one day he would run the old shop. His older brother, Aaron had been working under their father as well, but had been thinking of handling the business in the financial and contract dealings with other people. When Thomas was sixteen years old he'd found that he was not quite so taken with the young ladies around the village as much as Aaron and the other young men were.
Instead the merchant's son had captured his attention and filled his thoughts for months. At first he was appalled at himself for ever considering such notions. Whenever his father inquired after any girls whom he'd been having a friendly chat with he immediately clammed up and refused to say another word on the subject. His mother just took it for shyness. A part of Thomas desperately wished that had been the case. For several months he had considered telling his mother and father that he had heard the calling from God himself and had decided to become a priest. In some ways he felt that that would be an insult to God himself. So he had decided against that idea.
In the summer of 1905 Thomas snuck out of his house around midnight to walk out down the village in the plaza where all the merchants set up their stands and wagons to trade and sell their goods. A few of the wagons were still there that night to try to get more business the following day as well. Jim Hamilton had been waiting for him near the alley way.
He'd simply touched his cheek. That was all he had done before Cyrus Hamilton had showed up out of nowhere after getting a room at the inn for him and his son. He'd seen everything and had landed a good punch on Thomas' eye sent Thomas scrambling back home.
Mr. Hamilton had followed him back of course. But not before beating young Jim within an inch of his life. He had showed up at the front door to the shop ranting and raving to Wesley Barrow about the abnormalities that his son had corrupted Jim with. Thomas could only watch helplessly from above the stairway as shock and disgust overcame his father's features.
The next morning Thomas went down to breakfast with his eyes cast down in complete shame. He numbly stared at the toast that his mother had silently placed in front of him before sitting down beside Wesley who watched his son with narrowed eyes. Aaron watched his family cautiously knowing all too well what was going on. He'd noticed his younger brother's preferences long ago but had simply chosen not to say anything for the sake of protecting him. It was abnormal there was no doubt about it. But Thomas was his family.
"So. What have you to say about this?" snapped his father with cold eyes. Thomas' head jerked up at the question with doleful eyes. "Well for the love of Christ say something! Have you no shame! Having a drunken merchant, Cyrus Hamilton of all people, comes to me in the middle of the night telling me that my own son has been gallivanting around doing-unspeakable things!"
"Wesley!" breathed his mother in admonishment.
"No, Martha! No!" Wesley's nostrils flared with anger. "I'll not have you defending him! We've given him everything we ever could. We've loved and cherished him. He has repaid us by having no self-control whatsoever and putting us in this undignified position!"
Thomas stared at his father in shock. He'd never thought that the kindly soft spoken old man whom he had known all his life would be reduced to this when he found out what type of a man his youngest son really was. The man before him had hurt, anger and confusion in his eyes. He looked nothing like the Wesley Barrow Thomas had received unconditional love from. He was a completely different person.
"Speak up!" Wesley slapped his hand down against the table making the plates of eggs and jam clatter. "Thomas James Barrow speak up! Will you even deny these accusations what have you to say of this?"
Thomas blinked unable to bring the words together in his mind. "I- I'm sorry-"
"Father please," Aaron pleaded. "He's terrified as it is, it won't do to frighten him half out of his wits if you want an explanation."
Wesley pointed a long finger towards Aaron. "You watch yourself boy. You tread on dangerous waters here."
"Father please. I'm a grown man now me'self. What'd be the worst you could do to me?" Aaron bit back "Beat me? I love and respect you. But have no doubt. I would dodge a blow and leave this place if you ever raised a hand toward me."
Wesley's neck tensed up and flushed as he shot a piercing look at his eldest.
"I may not be the most set off lads 'round here. But don't think for one second that I cannot find my own way around in this world by myself," Aaron said levelly.
"Wesley please!" interjected Martha tearfully. "We must let him speak. And in order for him to do that you must calm down!"
Wesley glared at the circle of faces around his kitchen table. For years he had loved and cherished them and now in less than a day his family was falling to pieces. He always knew the day would come when Aaron decided to take charge of himself for the man that he was. He wasn't surprised by that at all. But Thomas…how had it all come to this? Wesley felt a sense of helplessness as realization struck. He was losing control of his family.
Thomas blinked rapidly refusing to let the tears in his eyes spill over. He would not lose more face than was necessary.
"Father," Thomas' voice trembled. "I-what Mr. Trask said was true-"
Martha clapped her hands over her mouth in silent terror and Wesley groaned and slightly deflated against his chair.
"I am so sorry! I never meant for it to be like this!" Thomas continued in a rushed tone. "It's always been like this ever since I could remember! And I...just don't know why!" he said desperately.
Wesley covered his face with both hands unable to hold his head up on his own.
"Thomas," Aaron said breaking the silence. "Is this the first time you...act on these urges?" he asked with hesitation.
Thomas nodded sullenly. "Yes. I daren't try to if I hadn't known Jim Hamilton was t-the same as me."
Aaron nodded in understanding as he watched Thomas narrow his eyes in an attempt to stop the stinging in them.
"So. No one else knows about this?" Wesley inquired gruffly.
Thomas shook his head in response.
"I think we all know what has to happen now," Aaron said softly as he gazed at his younger brother. "Thomas. We're gonna 'ave to send you away, mate."
Thomas' heart sank at his words; he'd already known that before they left his brothers mouth. But to actually hear them said out loud hurt all the same.
He felt the tightening in his throat become so unbearable that when he opened his mouth to take a gasp of air, a sob escaped his lips instead. Before he knew it, he was crying uncontrollably as his whole frame heaved in despair.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" he cried. "I don't know what's wrong with me!"
He felt Aaron get up from his chair and kneel before him. Without another word he took his head and placed it on his shoulder. To say Thomas was surprised was an understatement. He was confounded that his brother even wanted to look at him after his revelation.
Several long moments later he felt a large hand on his back which he unmistakably knew to be his fathers.
"There lad, there," said Wesley as he rubbed his sons back. "It'll be alright."
Thomas leaned towards his father and pressed his face to his waist. "I'm so sorry father." His voice was muffled by Wesley's waistcoat.
Wesley carded his fingers through Thomas' sweaty hair. "Lad...I know. But what your brother says is true. You'll have to leave Leeds."
And so it went that a week later one afternoon after packing everything that he had into a trunk Thomas was seen off by his family at the train station. His mother kissed him with tears streaming down her cheeks before piling a load of sandwiches on him for the rain ride to York. Aaron solemnly hugged his brother discreetly slipping an envelope into his hands.
"Don't open it Til you're on the train." Aaron had told him.
When the time came for Wesley to bid Thomas goodbye a surge of sadness and anger seemed to overcome Wesley all at once.
"I hope you know that we do this for your own good," Wesley said as his voice cracked. His pale eyes were cold for a moment before turning sad and watery. He held out a wad of money to Thomas along with a small slip of paper. "There's the address of the house that Mr. Carson works at. He's agreed to give you a trial as second footman. Remember he's an old friend of mine. So I expect you to show 'im the same respect you'd show me," he cleared his throat.
"Thank you father," Thomas said taking the slip of paper. "I can't take the money though," he added.
"Of course you can!"
"No father. Please. Allow me to do this one thing right. Lem'me keep you from having to be so careful with the money for at least another month," Thomas insisted.
Reluctantly Wesley nodded, "Very well then my lad."
With tears spilling down his face Wesley grabbed him by the shoulders enforce pulling him in for a hug.
"You take care of yer'self my boy. Do you hear? Be careful," he whispered in a shaky voice. "I love you." He kissed Thomas cheek scratching his skin with his mustache.
Thomas nodded and buried his face in his father's neck as his stinging eyes relieved themselves by spilling his tears. It had been many years since he had openly cried in his father's arms. He felt like a young boy again.
The train whistled to get the last travelers who were running late to get on board.
Wesley released him and Clapped Thomas shoulder, "Right then. Off you go."
Thomas rushed to his compartment as a rush of steam blew out from under the train. He threw his bag on the rack table beside his trunk and shut the door before leaning out of it to say his final farewells to his family.
"Don't go wanderin around lookin for trouble," Aaron called out as he briskly walked alongside the train to keep up with it as it began to take off.
"And don't forget to write every month!" His mother said in a shrill voice.
"I won't I promise!" Thomas clasped her outstretched hand in his as she strode near his window. "Good bye!" Her hand slipped from his and Thomas immediately felt the last connection to home break.
With a sigh Thomas watched his family grow smaller and smaller before the train was consumed by the tunnel leading to the small village of York. He glanced out the window and watched as the compartment was swallowed by the darkness of a tunnel they went under for a brief moment and then, a burst of light hit his eyes. The scenery was breath taking…for the first time in months Thomas felt his heart go lighter than air. The thought of starting new, taking on another life, a better one excited him. He ached for the loss of his family.
In that moment, Thomas vowed to be the best footman he could become, so that one day he could make butler and care for his mother and father back home…perhaps then fate would allow him to return to Leeds….
Fin