A/N I realize some of this may conflict with Canon, but I've tried to make it fit as well as I can, feel free to point out Errors in either conventions or consistency with Canon.
CG: OKAY LOOK. I'M JUST SAYING THAT YOU NEED TO ACTUALLY LET OFF SOME DAMNED STEAM FROM TIME TO TIME. DO YOU EVEN LISTEN TO ME? YOU CONSTANTLY BUG THE FUCK OUT OF ME AND YET YOU REFUSE TO TAKE MY ADVICE ANY TIME I OFFER IT.
CA: yeah wwell at least i aint so damn cagey as you are
CA: you havvent evven told me your codforsaken name
CA: shall i simply refer to you as "the hemoanonymous plebian wwith a stick up their ass?"
CG: EXCUSE YOU, IF EITHER OF US HAVE A STICK UP THEIR ASS IT'S YOU. I MEAN, YOU SIT HERE AND COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR MOIRAIL LIKE... EVERY HOUR OF EVERY NIGHT AND FUCKING DAY WHEN I SHOULD BE TRYING TO AVOID GETTING SCORCHED.
CG: AND IT DOESN'T EVEN SOUND LIKE YOU DO ANYTHING WITH HER! LIKE HOLY SHIT, IF THAT ISN'T ONE DYSFUNCTIONAL FUCKING PALE RELATIONSHIP I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS. PALE RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE PHYSICAL CONTACT, REASSURANCE, MUTUAL TRUST, AND A DISTINCT SENSE OF OPENESS.
CG: IN SHORT: YOU HAVE THE MOST DISGUSTING ASS-PUSTULE OF A MOIRAILLEGIANCE I'VE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF HEARING ABOUT WHICH IS SIMPLY PROVED BY THE FACT THAT YOU DRAG YOUR SORRY BULGE-LICKING ASS OVER HERE TO RANT TO ME ABOUT IT. IF YOU CAN'T DISCUSS IT WITH YOUR MOIRAIL THEN YOU'RE NOT IN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP.
CA: oh come on cg howw do you evven knoww this shit
CA: like youvve evver been in any sort a relationship wwhatsoevver
CA: wwhen wwas the last time you evver evven had a quadrant in the swweep or so wwevve knowwn each other?
CG: WELL FOR ONE, I AT LEAST REASEARCH THIS SHIT, AS OPPOSED TO YOU WHO JUST WINGS IT, AND FOR ANOTHER THING, I HAVE IN FACT BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP ONCE.
CG:…
CG:… THAT LASTED APPROXIMATELY THREE DAYS.
CA: HAHAHAH oh my fuckin-
CA: wwhat a fuckin load a poppycock
CG: WELL ALL THE SAME, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ASKS FOR ADVICE HERE.
CA: wwell if youre so fuckin BRILLIANT wwith relationships wwhy dont you got any sorta quadrantmate, hmmn?
CG: SHUT YOUR FUCKING WINDHOLE, ERIDAN. I DON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP FOR MY OWN PERSONAL REASONS THAT HAPPEN TO BE NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS SO FUCK OFF ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE PIT IN THE SEA IN WHICH THE GREAT GL'BGOLYB DEVOURS THE LUSII OF UNFORTUNATE WRIGGLERS.
CA: hey
CA: i got an idea
CA: if youre so fuckin genius at bein pale
CA: wwhy dont you showw me
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN? AS OF RIGHT NOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BULLSHIT PROPOSITION.
CA: i mean
CA: just for the purposes of noww howw about you demonstrate wwhat a great fuckin moirail youd be
CA: just a one-time thin
CA: can you at least put vviewwport-call on?
CG: I WAS RIGHT. THIS IS AN AWFUL FUCKING PROPOSITION. I'M SO GOING TO SHOOT YOU IN YOUR FUCKING FACE.
CA: aww come on here cg
CA: wwork wwith me here
CA: just one time
CA: plus i wwanna see wwhat your face looks like
CG: WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING ADAMANT ABOUT THIS? IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ANYTHING SPECIAL, I'M JUST A DUDE IN HIS HIVE WHO HAPPENS TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT ROMANCE.
CA: then you should havve no problem wwith this encounter
CG: …
CG: I PLATONICALLY HATE YOU.
-carcinoGeneticist [CG] initiated a VIEWPORT CALL with caligulasAquarium [CA] at 15:37-
Karkat grumbled to himself. He'd purposefully altered his view-receptacle to not pick up color and only display in black and white so he thankfully did not have to worry about blushing, or chewing his lip until it bled or anything else of that sort. He glanced up at the screen of his husktop as Eridan's face came into view and he blinked at him. Karkat crossed his arms over his chest, glaring through the receptacle as he hid his face in the neck of his sweater.
"Okay I did your dumbass fucking viewport call, are you done torturing me now?"
"Oh my god! You're so fuckin' adorable holy shit look at yer face!"
Karkat regrettably turned at least twelve different shades of red at the comment, pulling his sweater up even higher over his face, so very thankful that his receptacle didn't show color.
"I am not adorable. Fuck you with a fucking chainsaw, I'll shove my frond-nub so far up your ass your descendants will have bad breath."
Eridan snickered and ran a hand through his douchey fucking hair and leaned forwards on his desk as he stared at his respective screen, "W-whatev-ver you say, CG."
"So what exactly was even the point of all this? I mean seriously. You have a moirail. Mind you your relationship totally sucks, but all the same."
"I w-was just thinkin' I'd giv-ve you a chance ta prov-ve yourself or some such nonsense."
He rolled his eyes and pulled his knees up onto his chair with a frown, "Wow. You are a trashy fucking cheating little fuck, aren't you?"
"You said my relationship w-wasn't w-workin' out anyw-ways."
"Know what? Fine. Fucking fine. I'll play your little game, alright? This is like a bad pale fucking porno oh my god."
Eridan snickered a little as he leaned back in his... it looked like he was sitting on his couch or something? Karkat raised an eyebrow at the long purple Cape he donned around his shoulders as he sat back in his desk chair.
"W-wow-w, w-way ta be subtle, CG. W-with subtlety like that you could be some sorta spy or somethin'."
Karkat rolled his eyes as he ran a hand through his hair and sighed, "Whatever. Shall we get this dumbass fucking show on the road then?"
Eridan shrugged and pulled his cape up around over his knees like a blanket, "Sure thin'… you sure you ain't gonna tell me your name?"
Karkat raised an eyebrow, "Definitely not. Anywho," He settled back into his chair and sighed, "What else's been bugging you lately? We already talked about your moirail and shit."
Eridan sighed and pushed his head back between his couch cushions so his horns would poke up out between them, "I don't fuckin' know-w. Just tired a' this w-whole orphaner gig as per the usual… tired in general really. No one fuckin' talks to me like… fuckin ev-ver." He pulled his head back out from between the cushions and sat forwards a little bit, "I don't know-w… W-what about you? W-we hardly ev-ver actually talk about any a' the shit goin' on w-with you."
Karkat raised an eyebrow at him, "That's because I don't want to discuss my issues with you. I doubt you'd be much help."
"W-wow-w, fuckin' rude, CG."
"No I'm being practical here. Let's just talk about you again, I don't think you'd want to hear about any of my issues."
"Aw-w Come on!"
"No. This is a set boundary here, you got that? We are not talking about my shit right now. Sorry but it's a safety issue."
Eridan's eyebrows shot up in return, "Safety? Come on, it can't possibly be that bad."
"Shut the fuck up right now before I hang the fuck up on you. Just-" He gritted his teeth before taking a deep breath and leaning back on the seat again, "Just drop it, okay?"
Eridan frowned deeply before sighing dejectedly with a pout, "Alright, fine then."
"Back to you."
"Ah yes… me... I mean… I don't know. She's not payin' much attention to me an' I ain't sure if it's somethin' I did or w-what? I mean… I know-w she's busy an' all a' that responsible stuff, but I-"
"Have you even tried talking to her?"
There was a long pause before Eridan sighed, "W-well no, not really."
"See this is your problem. You don't try to get her attention and help when you need it and then you blame her for it. Do you think she's some fucking psychic who knows all the time when you want her to pay attention to you?"
Eridan turned a light purple color and rolled his eyes, "W-well ya see here… I uh… May be lookin' to be somethin'… a little more than pale w-with her if you know-w what I mean."
Karkat groaned and slid down off his chair in agitation, slipping under his desk and groaning before flopping back on the floor, speaking from there instead of coming back up to talk directly to the viewport receptacle, "You are such a fucking idiot, do you know that? First of all. Red shit is not more than pale. It is not more fucking important, it's not more. It just serves a different purpose. Second of all, if you don't want her fucking pale then why did you agree to be her moirail!? You-" He climbed back up into his chair and ran a hand through his hair, "You are literally the stupidest person I have ever met. Did you even think about the fact that by putting yourself in a pale quadrant with her you are going to create a shitty relationship and then also solidify yourself in that quadrant so she'll not really think about you in any other?"
Eridan just blinked at Karkat's little outburst, "W-well… I gotta start somew-where don't I?"
"You're a fucking idiot. An adorable idiot. But a fucking idiot all the same."
Several hours passed between them, discussing the technicalities of Eridan's life and eventually just drifting off into film recommendations and favorite colors and stupid shit that neither of them would remember after any significant amount of time.
"So uh, CG… It's lookin' like I gotta go now-w. The sun's startin' ta come up an' I ain't real keen on gettin' fried this mornin'."
Karkat nodded, rubbing his eyes a little bit as he glanced over at his covered window, "Yeah, sun's almost up here as well…"
Eridan nodded, "Alright… maybe w-we could… ya know-w… if ya w-want w-we could um-"
"Look, Eridan. You're so easily pitiable, and nice, and have good taste in movies… But this isn't going to work. You have a moirail. And even if you didn't I'm afraid it wouldn't work out here because of reasons I'm not planning on spewing in your general direction anytime soon. So this… whatever this was. This… pale fling… That's all it is, okay? This was… just a one-time thing."
Eridan's smile vanished a bit and he nodded a little, "I-… alright. I get it… can I at least know-w your name?"
Karkat chewed his lower lip and ran a hand through his hair before sighing and nodding a little bit, "Sure. I'm Karkat. I… guess this was pretty nice, huh?"
Eridan nodded back at him, "Yeah. This w-was pretty nice… w-wasn't it?"
And for a moment they were both quiet before Eridan cleared his throat, "I'm gonna go ahead an' hop into my 'coon now-w… I'll… uh. I'll talk to you sometime tomorrow-w maybe."
Karkat nodded, "Yeah. Sounds good. Good day, Eridan."
Eridan smiled at him just a little bit, "G'day, Kar."
And the viewport went black. Karkat sighed and spun in his desk chair for a moment, an awful, sickening feeling building up in his gut, far too sweet and caring for his tastes. He turned back to look at the viewport where Eridan's face had been not a minute ago and sighed. Eridan had a moirail. Sure Karkat would be a better fit for him… but he already had one. And Eridan was a high blood. He was practically the highest blood. There was no way it would work between them if he was as hemist as he seemed to be. And so Karkat turned his husktop off and headed off to crawl into his recuperacoon and drifted off to sleep ever so slowly, heart aflutter with thoughts of cuddles in piles and curling up to nap in the same coon with someone, the smell of salt water, and the feeling of cool hands running through his hair.