Lost Without You: Chapter 1 - Death
{ Cal }
Pure and utter sadness.
That's all I feel now.
I drag myself into mine and Ethan's shared apartment – just mine now. Charlie closes the door behind him. He drove me home after-
I don't want to think about it.
Oh god. Ethan.
I look up from my current patient at something hovering in my peripheral vision. Connie, Zoe, Iain and Dixie look back at me. They all look worried beyond apprehension, which in turn worries me.
"Excuse me a second." I say, not bothering to look at my patient. My eyebrows scrunch together. Something's wrong, something's very, very wrong.
"Dr. Knight?" Rita, who was assisting me, questions from behind me. I ignore her.
"Cal." Dixie's voice is soft and placating.
"What? What's wrong?"
"Maybe you should come and sit in my office, Dr. Knight." Connie can't look me in the eye as she gestures to the door of her office.
I walk hesitantly towards it, still internally questioning the reason for the unsettling feeling in the air. I push the door open, and we all pile into the box- like office.
"Is something wrong?" I ask, parking myself on the office sofa. They glance between each other for a moment.
"We had a call out to an assault earlier." Dixie starts, her voice breaks slightly.
"So? What does that have to do with me? Look, I don't have much time, my shift ends soon, and I have to do some shopping, Ethan's getting annoyed with me again."
Zoe makes a little chocking sound, making me look at her.
"What?"
"Cal, the assault involved two people." Dixie carries on explaining," A young girl and a man that attempted to stop the assault."
My eyebrows pull together.
"And?"
Dixie and Iain look at each other. Iain swallows.
"The man was Ethan, Cal." He says and his voice is shaking.
"What? Where is he? Is he okay?" I get up from where I'm sat, but Connie holds out a hand to placate me. I sit again, more nervously this time.
"Both had been stabbed. The girl, Mia, should be in theatre right now." Dixie speaks again.
"And Ethan?"
Dixie worries her left hand with her right.
"I'm sorry, Cal. He died at the scene."
I stare at her. She looks down, a little guiltily. My lips move, but nothing comes out. I attempt to swallow around the lump in my throat.
"What?" My voice is just a whisper," That's not possible."
I shake my head and Zoe puts an arm around me.
"I'm afraid it is, Cal." She sounds like she talking to a child. This may have been a tactic to calm me, but if anything it makes me feel more dejected.
"No," My voice breaks slightly," you don't understand. I can't lose him. He's my baby brother!"
I look desperately at them, willing them to tell me it's not true, to tell me I'll see him when I get home. They don't.
"Please?" I'm not sure what manners will do, but Ethan always had such good manners. Oh, Ethan.
"I'm so sorry, Cal."
"No. No, he can't be gone. I need him!"
"Cal-"
"No. He means everything to me!" I stand, my grief getting the better of me," How am I supposed to live without Ethan? That would be like breathing with no air! It's not possible. How am I supposed to cope, when my only way of coping is gone? How do you expect me to do that?"
Come on, Ethan. Just come in. Tell me this is just a joke. I won't even get mad. It's a sick joke, but that's okay; if you're okay, everything's okay. Just come in, yeah? We can have a laugh about it.
I wait for a moment.
Ethan doesn't walk in. No one starts laughing. It's not a joke. He's gone. I sob harder at this.
"Dr. Knight, you should go. I don't expect to see you back here until you're ready. I will get someone to take you home." Connie's voice becomes warmer and more sincere," I'm so sorry for your loss, it's something we'll all take very hard."
I lick my lips," He's really gone?"
"I'm afraid so, Cal."
I lie on Ethan's bed. I never really realised how much he smelled like home. Oh, this is torture. I itch my face where my drying tears irritate the skin. My head turns to look at the bedside clock; 12:03 AM. Charlie left about two hours ago. I sigh for the millionth time this evening. My eyelids ache from crying and, as they begin to slip shut, all I can think about is the fact that can't remember the last time I told Ethan that I loved him.
I wander back to the flat, open the door, go inside, sit down on the sofa. All the usual things. Except one thing isn't usual. The flat is empty. Ethan is always home when I get back from my shift on Mondays.
I wander curiously to his bedroom, only to find that his bed has been stripped bare and all his possessions are gone.
"Ethan?" I call, precautious. My sibling seems to appear from nowhere and grins at me.
"I'll see you one day, Caleb, okay?"
"Where are you going?" I'm confused; Ethan never said he was leaving.
He puts his suitcase down and hugs me, holding me close.
"I'm not sure yet." He pulls back," But I promise you'll see me again."
"We need to talk, though."
"No. You need to rest. Take care, Cal."
"I love you, Ethan." I attempt to talk, but it only comes out as a whimper.
"I love you, too, Caleb." He stops for a moment, smiles, and says," Answer the phone, Cal."
"What?"
A loud ringing enters my ears and I reach desperately for Ethan.
"Ethan! Wait!"
I sit up in bed, a late tear tracking its way down my cheek and disappearing under my neck. The ringing of the phone continues and I groan as I go to pick it up.