Afraid to (Want) Love

Chapter 1: Movies, Anyone?

She says through the phone, "I'm gonna get ready for bed. Goodnight. Love you."

I sigh in relief to myself. "Goodnight. Love you too." I hang up the phone a second later and get ready to sleep myself.

"Why can't I just find love?" I mutter to myself as I climb into my bed.

I dose off rather quickly into a deep sleep.

Before I know it, my alarm goes off on my dresser, notifying me it's time to wake up. I force myself to get out of bed, even though I'd rather not, but bills have to be paid and I have to eat. I walk into my bathroom to get a shower going. As I'm turning the water on, I hear, "Good morning, sunshine."

I nearly jump out of my shorts when I hear that. I turn around, looking for a person to be behind me, but I see no one. "I must be hearing things," I say to myself. I turn around to set the temperature of the water, but instead, I'm taken back by the figure in front of me. She's got the same face, hair, body type, and stance as I do. I jump back and scream loudly. I shuffle backwards, away from the figure in front of me. "Who the hell are you?"

She answers nonchalantly, "I'm you."

I speak sharply, "You can't be me. I'm me."

In an egotistical manner, she responds, "I'm the more attractive, wiser, sophisticated, you."

I whisper, "I must be dreaming."

The figure steps out of the tub as she assures my thoughts, "This is not a dream. This is something to help you realize—"

I continue to step backwards, away from her. "Realize what?"

With a quick clap of her hands, we enter into a movie theater-like setting. I hastily look around the room to see if I can exit out of this. The only things in the room are two seats and a blank screen. No exits or doors are in sight. The girl sits next to me, calmly, as she chows down on a container of popcorn like it's going out of style. I stare at her and a few seconds later she speaks, with her mouth full of popcorn. "I skipped breakfast this morning. I apologize if my obscene noises and grunts are disturbing you."

I ask with great confusion, "Where are we?"

She slurps her soda to wash down the popcorn. "We're at the movies, silly." She pauses for a second. "I heard this movie is a hit," she whispers.

I stand up quickly to race out of here. "This is ridiculous. I've got to get to work." I roam around, looking every which way, for a possible exit.

She continues to sit in the chair, eating the popcorn. She speaks peacefully, "You won't find love if you walk out now."

I turn around to walk back towards her. "Love? Love doesn't even exist."

She turns around in her seat to look at me. She questions curiously, "Since when did you become such a cynic?"

"Since all I've ever known is heartbreak and loss." I quickly change the subject. "This whole thing isn't even real, which means finding love would be impossible this way."

She stands up, out of her seat, licking all her fingers one by one to reduce the amount of butter on them. She gradually walks to where I'm currently standing. She offers, "I'll make you a deal. If you stay through the whole movie and realize that you've found love this way, I'll set up your first date with the chick and pay for everything."

"And if I don't find love?"

She ponders for a couple moments. "Hmm, well I honestly never thought of that outcome, since I've never been wrong my entire life."

I reply sarcastically, "I'm so glad I have my egotistical alter-ego guiding me through this."

She snickers slyly. "Is it a deal?" she suggests once she reaches her germ-infested hand out in front of me.

"You've got a deal, but there's no way I'm shaking your hand."

She grins widely. "Aww that's so sweet of you."

I slowly walk back to my chair, preparing myself for this upcoming event. She hops into the seat, holding only a remote in her hand. No more popcorn, buttery hands, or dirty clothes. Another thing out of the ordinary is that she's dressed in pajamas, or so it seems. I dismiss it because I want to get this whole thing over with so I can get to work, even though I can already sense how late I'm going to be.

The lights dim in the room instantly and "Ashley" clicks the remote. A prompt immediately comes up.

Now is the time to turn off all mobile devices. If you need to take a call, please exit the room to minimize disturbing others.

I turn my head to look at Ashley. "Do I seriously have to sit and watch all of these previews?"

She replies, "Fine, I'll fast-forward it." A second later, the film zooms to the title page of the movie. I nearly pee my pants when I see myself on the big screen.

"Hey, I think I know her!" Ashley speaks in excitement.

I question rudely, "And why exactly is this movie about me?"

"Don't be so self-centered. There are other characters in the movie," she assures. I keep my mouth shut. "So, uh, who was your first girlfriend?"

"Why?"

"If you don't tell me, you'll never get out of here."

I almost answer, but I bring up something slightly more important, "If you are me, and I am you, why couldn't you just answer that question by yourself?"

"It's more exciting if you participate as well, considering this is ALL about you."

I answer simply, "Erica was my first girlfriend."

Ashley clicks the remote to play the movie. Suddenly, flashbacks and memories of Erica and me appear in front of us, but in movie form.

"You're the first girl I've ever been with and that scares the bejeebies out of me," I say to Erica.

"That's why I like you," Erica replies. She kisses me on the cheek. We continue to walk through her house, heading towards the front door.

"Tell your mom and dad thanks for dinner, I really appreciate it." I smile out of nervousness.

"I will."

I'm scared out of my mind to even kiss her on the cheek right now. I butcher something, "Well, uh, I'll see you in school tomorrow?"

She smiles, "Well, I would hope so." I stand there, waiting for some sort of sign or something to come at me, telling me to make a move, but I'm too much of a coward to do anything anyway. Right as I try to make a break for it, Erica leans in towards me for an intimate kiss. I forget to close my eyes because I'm in total shock, but I make sure I move my lips so that I'm not completely immobile.

"This is so emotional, beautiful…provocative even," Ashley weeps out.

I defend myself, "She was my first; actually OUR first. Eww, that sounds so wrong…continue the film."

"Hold on, I have to fast forward through the next couple of months. They were extremely boring if you ask me," she scoffs.

"...Because we didn't have sex that night?"

She reacts in a shocked way. "No, that would be cruel." She pauses, as I wait for her to continue. "…I'm fast forwarding it because you're extremely boring."

"Just play the film." I fold my arms.

"Put it in," I insist.

She bites her lip. "I'm scared."

"It won't hurt, I promise."

She realizes I'm just saying that to her so she gets it over with. She slips the envelope into the mailbox door. Slowly, she closes it as she watches all of her hopes and wishes fall into the shaft.

"So who's the letter to?" I ask quickly.

She smiles, but its transient. "You know I can't tell you that."

"Okay, this is boring me now. Can we please skip over this or something?" I rush my thoughts and words.

Ashley pauses the movie to whine, "But I want to see how it ends!"

I groan, "Long story short, we broke up. Now can I leave?"

She asks nosily, "Why'd you guys break up? You two seemed so happy."

I rub my head as I contemplate whether I should tell her or not. "I broke up with her because she never opened up. She always kept things in. I always felt like I wasn't good enough for her to talk to…to open up to." I look her in the eyes. "Is that a good enough of an ending for you?"

She asks seriously, "Who was your next girlfriend?"

I drop my mouth in shock. I almost stand up and try to run out again, but figure that won't work. "We're going to go through every relationship I've ever had?"

"Only the long-term ones. So who was it?"

I whisper under my breath, "Sarah."

Ashley raises her voice slightly, "I can't hear you. I'm going deaf."

"Sarah!" She jumps up a little because she clearly wasn't expecting that. She skips to the next scene where Sarah and I are in my room talking.

"I'm going to head up to the mall this weekend. You want to come?" she asks nonchalantly.

I sort through my basket of clothes to put them in designated drawers. "I told you, I'm going to visit my aunt Saturday."

She persists, "You can visit her next weekend."

I bend down to shove some pants into the lower drawer. "Not really. She's not doing too well, which is why I have to visit her as much and as soon as I can."

Sarah continues to carry on, "You promised we would go out this weekend."

I grunt as I shove more clothes into different sections. I stand up. "Yea, but I didn't plan on my aunt being on her death bed. Family comes first." I have my back turned to her as I express an uh-oh. I thought to myself I shouldn't have said that. Now I'm really going to get it. I force myself not to turn around so that I can't see her face while she yells at me.

She raises her voice, "You don't consider me family?"

I murmur, "Not really, no."

She starts yelling, "How can you say that? I'm there for you all the time, you ungrateful brat."

I turn around and start yelling back to defend myself. "That's exactly my point! You're ALWAYS there. I can't get rid of you. You smother me. You force me to do things I never ever want to do again. I can't remember the last time we did something that I wanted to do."

She stands up to get off of my bed. She grabs her purse as she exclaims, "Call me when you realize what a great person you just lost!"

Once she's clear out of my room, I mutter, "Don't expect to see my name on the caller-ID."

Ashley's mouth drops. "Whoa, that was intense."

I say slowly, "You have no idea." I bow my head down. "My aunt passed away that Sunday and she didn't even go to the funeral."

Sarcastically, she says, "Well, you win some, you lose some, right?" She chuckles to try to cheer me up.

I wipe away the tears that are close to falling. "I think this has gone way too far. You're making me remember my dead aunt."

She snaps back at me, "I didn't choose the clips. The producer did."

I hold back my tears from here on out. I sniffle a bit. "I don't want to partake in this anymore." I get out of the chair to walk towards the back. If there were an exit in the room, I would've darted out, but since there isn't one, I can't.

She turns around in her seat. "But we were just getting to the best part!" she exclaims excitedly.

I raise my voice, "I don't care anymore!"

"That's the whole reason why you're here right now. Before you went to be last night, you asked yourself why you couldn't find love. And now that you're on the path to actually finding out the love of your life, you want out." she says confidently.

I question, "Why can't you just tell me who it is?"

She rolls her eyes. "Because you need to know why that person is the one—"

"Just tell me who it is!" I yell out of desperation.

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