" Please promise you won't! Oh God, Amir agha! Please promise you won't!" Sohrab screamed. His voice echoed throughout my head; I felt the guilt build in me, and I didn't know what else to do. I laid there trying to sleep, but the thought of Sohrab crying kept me up. I promised him that I wouldn't send him to an orphanage, but what choice did I have, I want him in my life. I turned my body, slowly feeling the sharp aching pain again, to see Sobrah sleeping on his bed curled up still. He looks so much like Hassan, and when I look at him, it only brings me pain. It forces me to relive my memories of my time with him, remembering my brother, the one who once loved me, who loved me in a way that no one ever has or ever will again. The family I once had, and threw away. " Damn it Hassan, I guess you'll always be with me, won't you" I laughed as tears started rolling and soaking the pillows. My laugh just then felt so empty, and it's been awhile since I felt like this. I began talking to myself, praying for an answer that I had to decide myself. I wiped the tears from my eyes and turned to the other way. I laid there, looking out the window at the purple sky over Islamabad. The sky made remember that night at the mosque, I remembered the way Sohrab's hands felt, shaking from the littlest touch. I remember the way I felt, holding him in my arms for the first time, feeling like I found a missing piece of myself. Under the house god, I came to peace with my past because this little boy I held in my arm helped me finally move forward from my past sins. In the Quran, it said those who have faith, he shall forgive and replace ones bad deeds with good, the forgiving and merciful Allah. I wonder if he could actually forgive me for all the pain I caused Hassan, and everyone else Then the memory of Hassan and Ali leaving was forced to mind, remembering the rain and how I should ran after them, something I have regretted ever since, but losing Sohrab isn't something I'm going to let happen. Maybe there is a way to keep Sohrab from going to an orphanage, well there was a second choice that guy gave me. " I think I made a decision" I said out loud, as I started closing by eyes and waiting for the moment I can tell Sohrab. The sky was a deep black, and the sounds of water running woke me up. I rubbed my eyes and turned on the bedside lamp. It was a little past 10:15 P.M.; I can hear Sohrab crying and whispering something in the bathroom. The bathroom lights were on; Sohrab was probably taking his nightly bath. I slowly got up from my bed, and felt the throbbing pain surge throughout my legs. I only got about three hours of sleep, I was too busy thinking; I finally came to a decision, and I didn't want to wait anymore. I walked towards the bathroom door, and heard him talking to himself. I felt really hesitant to knock on the door, my hands even began shaking. I took one breath and knocked on the door. There was no response and his whispers stopped and he began crying again. I knocked on the door again hoping he would say something, just something. I place my head against the door, " Sohrab, I know your scared and I am too. I know there isn't anything I can say for you to forgive me, but I really want you in my life. When I asked you to come to America I meant it, and I shouldn't have told you about the orphanage until I thought it over more. Sohrab, I'm going to find a way to honor that promise I made to you, because I don't ever want to lose you again. You're my nephew, and I would give my life up for you a thousand times over". His sobs got louder and I slowly turned and leaned against the door. I slid down and sat against the door hoping for some response. " Thank you Amir Agha," he cried. " I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you, and thank you for all the kindness you have show me, it's felt so long since I felt safe. But I don't think I'll be able to go to America with you, goodbye Amir Agha and I'm sorry". My heart sank, and then there was a thump. I jumped up, ignoring the pain and pushed the door open. I found him on his knees holding the straight razor with the blade out. He held the blade close to his wrist, and I ran towards him trying to get the blade away from him. He managed to get a single cut on the side of his wrist, but I managed to grab blade with my hand trying to stop him. He struggled getting it out of my grip, and he tugged and eventually falling back along with the blade. I lunged again pushing me against the ground pinning him down with some of my weight. He jumped forward to get out of my grip but failed each time. " LET ME GO!" he screamed, " I SICK OF ALL OF THIS, I RATHER DIE THAN GO BACK TO THAT PLACE". I kept holding him down, but watching him struggle so hard to die brought tears to my eyes. I held them in trying to be strong, he was screaming and thrashing under me. " AMIR AGHA, LET GO I NEED TO DO THIS". I closed by eyes because I couldn't look anymore. For the first time in a while, I began speaking prayers in my head. Begging for strength, and begging for the safety of Sohrab. 10 minutes of struggle under my weight, calm him down a little but I still didn't let go. He stopped fighting, he just laid there on the ground. " Amir, please I tired, I..I can't do any of this anymore" he cried talking in a quieter tone. " I can't keep doing this, I don't want to go back to that place". He laid on the ground with his eyes red and swollen. His eyes looked so empty, before they were always so wide open and full of innocents. Now they're full of tears and every little piece of life slowly disappeared. I did this, he had the same look as Hassan after I found him. It was if all life was taken away from him by Assef, and me. I reached for the razor and he finally let it go of it. I grabbed it and threw into the bath away from him. I finally got off him, and tried getting back up. My legs felt really numb and I fell back onto knees. So I remained on my knees, and Sohrab laid on the ground where I left him. The ground was covered with droplets of blood, and Sohrab's wrist was cover in it too. But then I looked at by hand and it was covered in blood. I must have gotten cut when he fell backwards. The cut on my hand wasn't too deep but deep enough to cause bleeding. Sohrab slowly rose to his knees, looking at the ground instead of me. He bend his head down with his eyes closed awaiting my response. I slow reached his hand. The slightest touch made him flinch again, but I went for it. I moved a little closer and placed my hand under his, holding them. " Sohrab please look at me" I said in a gentler tone. He shook his head and stared at the ground instead. " I don't ask you to forgive, just please listen ok", and yet there was no response. His hands trembled in mine, and slowly my tears hit them. His hands jumped, and then he slowly turned his head up allowing me to see his face. " I wish I could bring your parents, and that you miss them," I said slowly choking on my words. " I would do anything to bring them back and to give you back your old life. I can't change the things that happened to you, and I know your scare but I can at least promise I won't ever leave you. I'm so sorry for hurting you the way I did, I..I know you can't forgive me, but know no matter what happens next I will never stop caring about you". His hands were trembling even more, and tears his ran down his face. He leaned forward and rested his head on my chest. " I… I'm so scare if you take me back to that place, you won't want me anymore. I thought you were going to forget me, and I was going to be alone again. I just couldn't go through that again, so maybe dying would be better than watch someone else leave," he said. I pulled him closer and wrapped my arms around him. He clung onto my shirt, and soaked them with his tears. " I will never forget about you, and I will find a way for us to stay together even if I have stay here with you" I said. He tilted his head up and see me, and in that moment, I never wanted to let him go because the emptiness of not having child has been filled. He might not be my biological kid, but that won't change how I feel. General Sahib said blood matter but in this moment the bond created is even stronger. " I have lost enough in my life, I'm not going to lose you too, and I know Soraya wouldn't want to either especially after how much I told her about you". Under all of his tears, a smile finally formed on his face. " Amir Agha… tank you" he said in english. I pulled him closer to me, holding him tight within my arms, and then the phone rang.