Disclaimer: I don't own Detective Conan or Magic Kaito. I just give them funny codenames and beat them up.
A/N: Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies. Although I am now convinced of one thing. I'm hardly up to date in the manga or anime, I've gotten to chapter 170-something and a few others tucked in that seemed worthy of my attention. And while looking for more characters to shrink on Wikipedia (I'd forgotten Sonoko! headdesk), I came across Haibara's parents.
Her mother was British. She has the same color hair as one Hakuba Saguru, who is half British. You can come to your own conclusions, but my head imploded. I really need to lay off on the Star Wars.
Pairings/Warnings: Crackiness. Crackiness and just a tad bit of OOC. ShinRan, KaiAo, HeiKaz.
The eleven seventeen-cum-seven-year-olds were seated around the table. Their mission? To destroy the Black Organization. Their current goal? Pick code names. Because no secret organization, good or bad, is complete without codenames.
"I'm Lupin," the boy with messy brown hair stated right off the bat. No one argued with this, though most of them, namely his not-girlfriend and the blond boy, gave him weird and accusing looks. He tried his best to look innocent. "What?"
"And you claim to not be Kaito Kid."
"I'M NOT KAITO KID YOU IDIOT! I WAS HANDCUFFED TO YOU DURING A FREAKING HEIST! HOW CAN I BE KID!"
Hakuba merely leaned on his elbow and practiced his 'smug bastard' look. "Methinks the lady doth protest too much."
Aoko's eyes grew wide. Then came the accusing finger... but from a different quarter entirely.
"YOU'RE KAITO KID?!!" screeched one Suzuki Sonoko, completely beside herself.
"SHHH!" came the loud response from nine others.
"I will say this one more time: I AM NOT THE FREAKING KAITO KID!"
Sonoko hmphd daintily, sticking her nose in the air. "Of course you aren't. The Kaito Kid is much more attractive."
Kaito's brain broke. Aoko patted Kaito on the arm consolingly.
"In that case, I'm Holmes," Hakuba stated.
"WHAT?" Shinichi rebuffed, pointing a thumb at himself. "I'M Holmes!"
Hakuba shook his head. "Oh no. I'm Holmes. You can be Watson."
"You are going down!"
"Bring it!"
"I will rip out your eyes and feed them to that stupid bird of yours!"
"I will defenestrate you!"
"Nakamori-chan, grab him!" Ran shouted, hanging on to her not-boyfriend. Aoko did as told, and the two pairs of hands were stopped mid-flight inches away from the respective necks. Then the two Holmes fanatics realized that while necks were out of reach, arms were not.
"Kaito, help me!"
"Kazuha-chan!"
Then Eisuke decided to help. The result was, well... obvious.
Shinichi and Hakuba glared at each other, both too thoroughly tangled in limbs to attempt to claw out each others eyes.
Ran laughed shakingly, either from fear or from lack of air from being at the bottom of the pile, no one knew. "Er... Why don't you split the name? One of you can be Hol, and one of you can be Mes."
"I'm Hol!"
"No, I'M Hol!"
"Kudo-kun, I have a better idea."
Shinichi rolled his eyes. "What, Haibara?"
"Why don't you be 007? You are the one with the gadgets after all."
"But his name is James Bond!" Shinichi whined.
"So?"
"James! James Moriarty!"
Hakuba and Shinichi both shuddered simultaneously. Heiji smacked his forhead, having untangled himself and righted the table while they were arguing. "Let's finish this later. First off we need to decided code names for everybody else."
"Can I be Snake?" Akako asked demurely.
"No," Kaito responded enthusiastically.
"What about Jackel?"
"No," again.
"Gin?"
"No," responded Shinichi enthusiastically.
"Vodka?"
"No," again.
"Vermouth?"
"NO!" Shinichi and Kaito responded with vigor simultaneously.
"... Cobra?"
Kaito facepalmed and waved a hand at her. "I give up. Go ahead."
Akako looked to Shinichi, who shrugged. "I don't care about that one."
"Perfect."
"I'm King."
Kazuha looked at Heiji. "Isn't that a bit presumptuous of you?"
Heiji shrugged. "Not at all. I was thinking something along the lines of Ellery Queen, but I realized that it would be weird for me to have the codename Queen. So, King."
Hakuba glanced sideways at Heiji. "Why? Because a queen is a woman?"
"Kudo, kill him!"
"With pleasure!"
"NOT AGAAIINNN!"
Another attempt by Eisuke to help the girls restrain the two detectives resulted in a massive dogpile. "I'm REALLY surprised the table hasn't broken yet," Haibara said sarcastically. "What with you three acting your age and stuff."
"Kudo, kill her!"
"With pleasure!"
"NOT AGAAIINNN!"
"Hakuba, help me restrain him!"
Hakuba merely waggled his eyebrows. "Not on your life."
As Shinichi charged at her, Haibara executed a perfect judo move, knocking him flat.
"I've been training her. She's quite scary."
Wide-eyed, eight people moved their heads towards Hakuba. Haibara was too busy gloating, and Shinichi was too busy licking his wounds.
"What's wrong, Kudo? Can't get hit by a girl?"
Correction: Shinichi was MANLY licking his wounds. And vowing much, much pain in Hakuba's future.
If anyone was keeping track, they would have noticed that Hakuba had insulted the manliness of every man there except for Eisuke. From the way Akako's eyes glittered, she was keeping track.
"Hondou-san?"
"Huh?"
"What codename do you want?"
Eisuke chose that moment to trip over his chair while he was sitting in it.
"How about Dumbo?" Heiji suggested from the bottom of the pile.
Once they had righted the still-unbroken table again, Sonoko leaned over to Ran, whose face lit up. "Sonoko! That's a great idea!"
Shinichi head turned towards the two girls, fear settling in the pit of his stomach. What had she suggested...?
"Sonoko and I will be Anne and Mary respectively!"
"Huh?"
"Remember Shinichi, those two pirate women?"
Shinichi scratched the back of his head. "Heh heh, oh." And he thought Sonoko was trying to get them together again somehow. Not that he would object, but they currently had things to take care of... and they were both currently seven... and... and...
Oh hell. You only live once.
Shinichi jumped on Ran and started making out with her furiously. Ran finally wrenched away and slapped him, then pulled him back down again. Ending up on the table, they managed to wiggle their way all over it. As they passed him, Kaito wolf-whistled. As they passed Hakuba, Shinichi spelled out "I AM HOLMES" in sign language with the hand that was not hopelessly entangled in Ran's hair. "BOND GETS THE GIRLS" was spelled back but unnoticed.
Kaito noticed Aoko giving him sidelong glances. "Would... would you like to be Fujiko?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yes," Aoko responded breathlessly, nodding enthusiastically.
Kaito blinked several times. "Fantastic." He then uttered no more, as his mouth was busy.
Kazuha glared at Heiji. "Why couldn't you have picked a detective with a hot girlfriend?"
"Holmes doesn't have a hot girlfriend!" Heiji protested.
"At least he has that Irene chick!"
Heiji realized that a beating was in his near future. He got down on his knees and grabbed Kazuha's hand. "In that case Kazuha, will you be my Queen?"
Kazuha was surprised, to say the least. And then...
"Are you proposing?"
Haibara ruined the mood.
Heiji's neck slowly turned, an evil eye firmly affixed on his face. "Haibara... if I remember correctly, you are the only one left without a codename."
"Oh I'll be Veronica."
Heiji's eyes bugged out. "But that's really, really... not you."
Haibara shrugged. "You're right. But it is the name of Mary Russell's friend."
A cry of, "BLASPHEMY! A SCOURGE UPON YOU LAURIE R. KING!" came from two different parties. The two parties then looked at each other and promptly started a competition to see who could scream... er, shout... 'blasphemy' loudest.
As to who won Kudo and Hakuba's deathmatch, I'll leave that up to you. As for that last bit, I can see two Holmes fanatics like Shinichi and Saguru not exactly appreciating Mary Russell... particularly 'A Monstrous Regiment of Women'. Hakuba knowing Judo is stolen fandom from Icka M. Chif whose reason given is quite reasonable. If you have not read their stuff, WHAT ARE YOU DOING READING THIS DRIVEL? GO READ A REAL STORY! NOW! ICKA M. CHIF'S REAL STORY!
Codename Explanations For Those Not Obvious:
Akako: Cobra. Because she's got that crazy snake thing going on with her witch clothes, and Kaito would never let her use Snake. The other codenames she's just messing with their minds. She's Akako. She's not exactly harmless.
Aoko: Fujiko. That's the name of Lupin III's girlfriend. Don't ask me anything beyond that, because I really don't know.