A/N: Well, I'm trying to be different. The aftermath of Edward leaving Bella in New Moon is a popular beginning to many fan fiction stories, and this one is no different. It's my favorite kind of Twilight fanfic, after all. So here's my contribution, hopefully avoiding a few of the clichés and with a dash of originality.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything that belongs to the wonderful and talented Stephanie Meyer, which includes everything canon. Anything that is original is of course mine.
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
- Alfred, Lord Tennyson
It felt as if I had been shaken awake after being asleep for a very long time. Why was I suddenly so aware? It must have been what Charlie had just said to me. Something that wasn't normal or routine was bound to grab a bit of my attention, right?
This must have been what Charlie thought too. He seemed pleased with himself at the look on my face. It took me a moment to catch up with the present, and I realized I must have looked as out of sorts as I felt because even though Charlie seemed pleased, he looked worried too.
"Wh - what?" I croaked. I almost blushed at how raspy my voice sounded, almost as if I hadn't used it in awhile. I probably hadn't.
"Do you remember that Alaskan trip your school's taking after you start Christmas break?" repeated Charlie, waving a fork in my direction.
I pushed around a meatball, not quite understanding. Such an odd question. I cast my memory back, looking for a clue as to what my father was talking about. No, I didn't remember. It was probably best to pretend I did, for Charlie's sake. I didn't want him to worry.
"Yeah, I remember," I said to my dinner, not meeting his eyes. I didn't want him to see the lie.
"Well, I think it'd be a good idea if you went. You need to get out of the house for a change. Be with your friends," he asserted, emphasizing his point by stabbing a meatball.
I was frozen. His words tried to penetrate the fog that had engulfed my mind so long ago. Me? Go to Alaska? With my school? I shook my head slowly as the idea finally planted itself in my mind.
"But, I don't want to go to Alaska," I said, enunciating each word slowly. I finally met Charlie's eyes. There was an air of determination in them, and I didn't know why. This made me worry.
"Damn it Bella! I'm tired of you walking around here like some kind of -" he paused, looking for the right word. "- some kind of zombie!"
I was shocked. Charlie never cursed. I tried to speak.
"No! No. I won't have it Isabella! You've been moping around here for months! I'm tired of seeing you looking so lost! When was the last time you went and did something with you friends?" he hedged.
Truthfully, I had no idea, but I improvised. "I see Jess and Angela at school, and Mike's always working when I'm on shift."
Charlie shook his head. "I'm not talking about school or work, Bella. You haven't done anything with your friends outside of school. It's either Alaska with your friends or Jacksonville with your mother!"
My head snapped up at the last part.
"No! You can't send me to live with Renee! This is my home!" I cried in desperation. Charlie was not going to make me leave! He had tried to do this already! Didn't he realize I don't want to leave? If I left, then I would surely lose all my memories of -
"I'm sorry Bella, but I have to do something! And this is what I've come up with! You're my daughter, and it's tearing me up to see you like this! I think this trip is something that will help you . . ." he trailed off, his eyes pleading for me to consent.
I was quietly shocked at his vehemence and concern. I thought I had fooled Charlie. I was so sure that me acting normal would make him think that I was normal, that I was okay. It dawned on me that I haven't been fooling him. He had seen right through me.
I wasn't sure how I felt about this. A wave of desolation overtook me. Had it all been in vain? I had failed. He didn't think I was normal. He must have been really worried about me, otherwise he wouldn't be pushing this trip on me. I felt guilty. I didn't want to put Charlie through this.
"Fine. I'll go on the school trip," I said, defeated. If it would make Charlie happy, if he wouldn't worry so much - I looked up to gage his reaction. He seemed to slump into himself in relief.
"Good," he nodded, turning his attention back to his spaghetti. He didn't at all seem to mind that I hadn't pushed the issue. He was relieved that I had caved in so easily.
A trip to Alaska? What had Charlie gotten me into?
What had I just agreed to?
I scrunched my brow. "But how much is it? Surely a trip like that -"
Charlie interrupted. "- is already paid for, Bella. All you have to do is go and have a good time."
"But where did you get the money for something like this?" I asked. I would feel horrible if he had dipped into his retirement fund.
He waved off my concern. "It was a joint effort between me, your mother, and Phil."
"Oh," I mumbled. It looked like Renee hadn't been fooled either if she and Phil were putting up money to send me on an Alaskan tour. I winced, feeling another twinge of guilt.
Charlie retired to the living room. There was a game due on within the hour, but this was one that Billy Black was going to miss, as he hadn't shown up yet.. Must not have been an important game then.
I turned my attention to the dishes. After doing the same routine for quite a while now, I shouldn't have been surprised to see how quickly everything had been cleaned, dried, and put into place. However, what did surprise me was how I had done it without realizing I was doing it in the first place. It had been mechanical, like I was a robot or something.
Charlie's earlier words popped into my head.
Or a zombie.
I glanced at the calendar. December 12? I blinked and looked at the date again. For some reason I thought it might have been November. Maybe Charlie was right. Maybe I was a zombie.
Guess all those tests over the past week had been exams.
It was a Friday. I at least knew that. Tomorrow I'd go into work, like usual. Monday was marked as the last day of school - a half day. Wednesday the 17th was circled, and in Charlie's messy hand writing, no better than my own, was a note.
"Bella's trip?" I asked aloud in confusion. I was leaving in five days? That soon? I wondered how long Charlie had had that written. I felt a little lost. How had I not noticed it before? How had I not noticed anything?
I sighed, my arms automatically wrapping themselves around my middle. Alaska would be very cold. I didn't think my old jacket would cut it. Maybe I could find something cheap at the store. Was there an employee discount? I had never wanted to buy anything before, so I wasn't sure. Maybe Mrs. Newton would take it out of my next pay check?
I climbed the stairs to my room. I didn't want to go to Alaska. Alaska meant snow, and snow was cold and wet - two things I didn't much care for. Besides, with my luck and natural gracelessness I'd slip and crack my head on ice. Or maybe . . . I stopped, halfway across my room when the thought struck me. Surely there wouldn't be any skiing, right? I'd probably cause an avalanche and get buried alive.
I shook my head to clear away the morbid thoughts.
I was much more aware of what was going on around me now that the shock of an impending Alaskan trip had come to my attention. A distant memory tried to push its way into my mind.
Alaska.
That was were the other group of vamp - I viciously shoved the memory away. I felt the twinges of pain around my hole, the bothersome void situated somewhere in my middle. I squeezed tighter, trying to keep myself together, in the most literal sense.
I was not going to let my mind go anywhere near Alaska, even if I happened to be going there physically.
I needed a distraction. I winced at the thought. Distraction. I viciously shook my head. I would not let myself go there! Not tonight!
I sighed.
Seeing as how my exams were obviously over, I had nothing to study for and no homework to occupy my time. I couldn't remember what I would do after dinner, if not school related. This wasn't a reassuring thought. What had I been doing for these past few months? Trying to be normal for Charlie, I answered myself almost immediately.
That obviously hadn't worked out very well.
Saturday brought work at the store, as usual. I manned the counter, waiting for Mike to show up. I would question him about this Alaska trip. I hoped he was going.
Mike showed up ten minutes later. He tied his apron on and grabbed a mop. Mrs. Newton always had him mop the floors on Saturday mornings before it got busy.
"Hey Mike," I said, trying to be casual. I didn't expect his response.
"Gah!" he exclaimed, dropping the mop and sloshing water onto the floor. He turned to me, mouth slightly open, and eyes wide.
I was taken aback. Was it something I said? I know I'd been acting like a walking zombie for a while, as Charlie had so kindly pointed out, but surely I had talked to him? Right? From his reaction, I must not have been very social after all.
Mike composed himself quickly and gave me a hesitant smile. "Hey Bella! How are you feeling today?"
Confused. Anxious. Tired.
"I'm fine," I responded, trying my hand at returning the smile. The muscles around my mouth protested. It seemed as if I hadn't been exercising them lately.
But to Mike, it didn't matter if my smile was awkward, he smiled back brilliantly before mopping up his spilled mess and continuing on with the rest of the store.
I was thankful he didn't bring up my time as a zombie. We made small talk throughout the day. He seemed genuinely happy to have me back among the living. Our conversation soon turned to the school trip.
"Oh yeah, I'm definitely going. How could I miss the senior trip?" It was more of a statement than a question.
"I'm going too," I offered hesitantly. I didn't really know what else to say.
"Really? Oh man, that's great! We're leaving Wednesday. Are you excited? " he asked. He was much more animated than before. He almost knocked down a display of fishing lures.
His obvious excitement threw me off for a moment, and I struggled to answer his question.
"Yeah, I think it'll be fun. What part are you looking forward to?" I asked, fishing for information on the trip. After all, I told Charlie I knew about it. I couldn't very well ask my father what the trip entailed, could I? That would imply I really hadn't known about it.
"I can't wait for the helicopter tour of Mt. McKinley! I've never been up in a helicopter before," he said.
"Helicopter tour?" I repeated faintly. What had Charlie and Renee gotten me into?
"Yeah, and the hiking. I think it'll be awesome to hike around Harding's Ice Field and see Exit Glacier! Or, well I'm not sure, but I think we might take a boat to see the glacier," he continued, oblivious to my growing horror.
"Hiking? On an ice field?" I felt nauseous. It sounded like my own personal hell. I was surely going to kill myself on this trip. Nobody with the natural grace of a bull in a china shop should get anywhere near an ice field.
"Yeah, I can't wait. Are you packed yet?" he asked.
"Erm, no. I don't even know what to pack. I don't think my old beat up jacket's going to cut it," I laughed. I hoped Mike didn't hear the edge of hysteria.
Mike took the hint, rolling his eyes at me. "Seriously Bella! My parents own an outdoors store, and you work there! You know we have all kinds of jackets for cold weather!"
And with that, we browsed through the jackets on display. They all seemed pretty expensive. I definitely wouldn't be able to afford any of this, even with an employee discount.
"Aren't you two supposed to be working?" came the amused voice of Mrs. Newton.
Mike rolled his eyes. "There's no customers in here, Mom. And besides, Bella's going on the senior trip too. We're looking at gear she'll need in Alaska."
Mrs. Newton looked confused. "But Mr. Swan already bought everything she'll need."
My eyebrows shot up. "Ch - Dad already bought it all?" I asked, catching myself.
"Oh dear. I hope it wasn't meant to be a surprise," exclaimed Mrs. Newton.
I shook my head. "That's okay Mrs. Newton. I'll act surprised."
She gave me a smile, and then sent us back to work.
Looked like Charlie and Renee had the whole thing taken care of. I wondered how long they had been planning this. For some reason, I didn't really want to know.
We had enchiladas for dinner. It had become one of Charlie's favorite meals, which was kind of funny in its own way. He had been so hesitant the first time I had cooked them.
I was trying to figure out how to bring up the topic of what I needed to pack to Charlie. I knew he already had everything I'd need, but I really didn't know if he meant to surprise me or not. I didn't want to ruin it for him if he did.
Luckily, he saved me from bringing it up.
"I'm sure you've wondered about what you'll need to pack for your trip to Alaska," he grunted over an enchilada.
My lips quirked. Almost, but not quite a smile. I was still practicing.
"Yeah, Dad. I was wondering," I said, going along with the conversation.
"Well, me and your mother got you some new clothes and what not for Alaska," he sounded a little uncomfortable.
"Really?" I asked, prompting him to continue while trying to inject the right amount of surprise in my voice.
"Yes, and everything's already packed. All you'll need is your toothbrush and such. I really do hope you'll have a good time, Bella," he said, giving me a hopeful smile.
"Thanks, Dad. I really appreciate it," I replied, horrified to find myself almost choked. A wave of affection washed over me for the man across the dinner table. Charlie wanted me to get better. He really did care.
If Charlie had been one for physical displays of affection, I would have hugged him, but as we were, the amiable silence of dinner sufficed.
After I had done the dishes and Charlie had retired in front of the television, I went upstairs to check my email. My ancient computer whizzed and clunked when I turned it on, and I stared at the screen for minutes while the modem tried to connect to the internet.
The email from Renee read more like a journal entry than a letter. Guiltily, I responded to her email, taking great pains to comment on each and every detail of her letter while adding in things about me to make it more a letter than a commentary. Who knows what I had been writing to my mother? I almost looked under my sent mail, just to see what I had last written, but I decided it was probably best if I left it a mystery.
It was only a little after eight in the evening, but I was tired. So I changed into my pajamas and climbed into bed. This was usually one of the worst parts of the night for me. My mind would wander, as it was doing now, but instead of topaz eyes, my mind saw pictures of vast snowy cliffs. I was thankful. Alaska? I'd never been that far north before.
If I were to dream, I hoped the dreams would be filled with snow, or ice fields, or even avalanches. I didn't want to be haunted by topaz eyes again tonight. I didn't need the nightmares.
I hugged my middle, where the hole that had ripped itself open months ago still festered, and curled up into myself.
No, I didn't need the nightmares tonight.
A/N: Well. There you have it, folks. Chapter one of the repost done! Wooooot! I'll be thankful for any and all opinions I get!