Let Me
I read this scene in Ruin & Rising at least three times when I got the book. And every time, I wondered what the Darkling was thinking during all of this. So here it is, a little one-shot of the Darkling's rare show of feelings. I hope you like it!
The Darkling
"You live in a single moment," I growled. "I live in a thousand."
She stood there, a challenge in her warm brown eyes. The way she faced me, nearly unafraid, was so unusual, so unfamiliar. There was no trace of the old Alina now, the naive, frightened Sun Summoner who hadn't believed in her own power. In this vision, I grudgingly admitted that she was stunning, her rippling hair as white as fallen snow and her eyes bright. A formidable opponent, or a powerful ally, or, perhaps, a radiant queen. My queen. I banished the thought immediately.
Hardly pausing to think, I took hold of her wrist, faster than she could move. I pulled her to me and she came, almost willingly. I was sitting on the edge of a table in the Little Palace and she allowed herself to fit in the space between my knees. I held her there with one hand on the small of her back, close enough to inhale her scent, a mix of sunlight and warm forests in summer.
"You were meant to be my balance, Alina," I told her. A flicker of uncertainty flashed over her features. "You are the only person in the world who might rule with me, who might keep my power in check."
"What if I'm no better than you?" she blurted out. "What if instead of stopping you, I'm just another avalanche?"
I didn't answer. How could she ask such a thing? It was an obvious show of weakness, of her admitting that she was unsure of herself and her power. Maybe she wanted more somewhere deep inside, in a place she'd never shown anyone. She was afraid and fear was weak. Nearly as weak as the wanting I could see in her. I knew what she felt; I'd felt it all my life: unending emptiness. Lives weren't meant to be lived for so long and after centuries alone, you began to ache with the hollowness inside you, ache until it ate away at your heart and left you with nothing. Although, if I was completely heartless, I thought to myself, I wouldn't be able to feel the things I'm feeling now.
"I want you to know my name," I said suddenly. Inwardly, I started. Why had I said that? "The name I was given," I went on, "not the title I took for myself. Will you have it, Alina?"
She looked at me and I saw the indecision in her eyes. She knew the dangers of this and what it would mean. She didn't want that. But there was hunger in her expression too, the hunger for something of mine that no one would ever have again. "Yes," she whispered.
For a moment, I was silent. "Aleksander."
She watched me for a second. Then she let out a small burst of laughter. I raised an eyebrow at her, amused despite myself. "What?"
"It's just so...common," she remarked.
Of course. Why would someone like the Darkling have such an ordinary name? I should've known she'd think that. My amusement grew. I tipped my head to one side, smiling. "Will you say it?" I asked her, before I could think better of it.
Her grin disappeared. Unease clouded her eyes, and I thought she wasn't going to answer. Then she inhaled slowly. "Aleksander."
Oh. Her voice was like falling raindrops, gentle and quiet. It had always been that way, since the first time I met her. But when that gentle, quiet voice formed the sound of my name it stirred something in me I hadn't expected. I felt vulnerable. I wasn't supposed to feel that way with her.
"Again," I said. I swallowed the unspoken word. Please.
"Aleksander," she breathed. I watched her lips move, shaping the name, and it slid over me softly, like a caress.
I moved as though in a daze, pushing closer to kiss her neck above the silvery bone of the collar. Her scent wreathed around me, her skin tasting of sweet sunlight beneath my lips. She tensed. "Don't." She tried to pull away, but I stopped her. She didn't fool me; even when she told me to stop, there was desire in her voice. It drove me wild. I slipped my hand up into her hair, running its silken length through my fingers. Gently, I tipped her head back, exposing her neck. The connection opened in me, making me want more. Her eyelids fluttered shut.
"Let me," I whispered against her skin. I kissed the place beneath her jaw, slowly, secretly hoping she'd listen to me this time. I slid my heel around her leg and tugged her closer. I knew this was dangerous now, even for me, but I couldn't stop. I was drowning. My hands closed over hers, guiding them to my waist. When her fingers brushed over my bare skin, a tremor ran down my spine. "It isn't real," I murmured. "Let me." Stay with me.
I was the Darkling. I would rule Ravka without mercy. And if Alina dared to stand in my way, I would break her until she had nothing. But in that moment, in that quiet room, I was almost begging her. Let me, I thought, growing drunk with her touch. Let me kiss you. Let me touch you. Let me love y—
Suddenly, she pushed away from me. "It's real enough." Disgust and horror flashed in her eyes. It sliced through me and brought me back to my senses. I remembered that last, interrupted thought. I instantly shoved it to the back of my mind and vowed to never think of it again. If anything in this war could break me, that was it. And I couldn't afford to be broken.
Not by her.