Disclaimer: As much as I would love to own Draco Malfoy, I really don't own a thing.

A Touch of Firewhiskey

" . . .And so I said, that's not your dog, that's my hat!" Sirius said, slamming his hand on the table as he laughed along with his friends.

"Padfoot, mate," Remus rubbed his forehead, tears slipping from his eyes as he laughed. "You sure do have a way with the women."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders, sliding back in his chair and sweeping the bottle of firewhiskey into his hand. "What can I say?"

"Hey, don't drink all of the whiskey!" Peter said, dropping his head and hands on the table as he reached towards Sirius.

James laughed at this, giving Peter a good slap on the back. "Like you need more whiskey, Wormtail."

"I don't know about him, but I sure do." Remus said, grabbing a bottle from the table and popping open the cap, pouring the liquid into his mouth.

Sirius cleared his throat, slamming the empty bottle onto the table. "Peter, my young squire, be a good lad and fetch me another drink."

Peter lifted his forehead up from the table, narrowing his eyes at Sirius. "I'm not your bloody dog. I don't take orders from you."

Remus, James, and Sirius let out a laugh.

"Well ," Sirius kicked his feet up on the table. "Someone sure has a temper today, doesn't he? You know Wormtail, I could always get that one fetching young woman to come down here and show you a good time."

Peter's eyes grew wide, and his lips parted in shock. "No, not Eleanor."

Sirius grinned. "Yes, that was her name. Eleanor. Such a beautiful name for such an interesting person."

Remus nodded, setting down his bottle. "Ah, she is indeed a remarkable woman. I mean, she is quite a looker, considering all of the pimples,"

"The facial hair, the warts," James added, snickering.

"The bald spot on the top of the head, and the three chins," Sirius said.

Remus nodded, rubbing his chin. "She is indeed quite a looker. A great catch, if you ask me."

James and Sirius snorted as they burst into laughter from the horrid look on Peter's face.

"Well," Peter grabbed a drink from the center of the table. "You can have her, because I sure don't want her."

Sirius patted his friends back. "Wormtail my boy, you can't fool us. We know that deep down inside of you, you're just itching to get with that lovely young woman. Ah, I can see it now." he said, wrapping an arm around Peter's shoulders. "One day you'll get married, and then, of course, after the honeymoon, you'll have a litter of pimple faced, bald spotted, three chinned little ones. Doesn't that sound lovely?"

Peter pressed his lips together as he tried to hold his laughter inside of him. "You make fun of me, Padfoot, but really, you're in the same trouble as I am. What was the name of that girl that has been chasing after you?"

Sirius cleared his throat, looking down at the floor and at James. "Clara." he said, quivering at the thought of the girl.

Remus and James snorted, lowering their heads and pressed their lips shut. "Now that one," Remus said, letting his head fall back on his shoulders. "That one is so much more attractive than Eleanor. Don't you agree, Prongs?"

James nodded, nudging Remus in the arm. "Nutty one, that one is. What was the name of the fan club that she started? It seems to have slipped my mind."

Sirius shot glares at them, taking a large drink from his bottle.

"L4S." Remus said, his eyes watering. "Loony 4 Sirius."

Looking at one another, all three young men burst into a fit of laugher. Sirius remained neutral.

"You know," he said after the boys dropped their heads back on the table, a grin on each of their faces. "Is it just me, or did McGonagall look extra ravishing today?"

James slapped the table, his eyes widened. "I thought something was wrong with you in class today!"

Remus let out a snort, placing his hand in front of his nose to prevent the whiskey from squirting out his nostrils. "Please don't tell me that next you'll have a crush on Professor Sprout."

"She's my kind of woman," Peter said as he lifted his head from the table.

James, Remus, and Sirius stared at their friend in disgust. "Wormtail," James said, scooting his chair away from his friend, "that's just wrong . . . and disgusting,"

Peter snorted. "Well, she's a lot better than that girl that you fancy."

"Lily Evans?" James said, slamming down his drink. "How in the bloody hell is Professor Sprout better looking than Lily Evans?"

"She has an enormous heart." Peter said, shrugging.

Sirius grinned. "That's not the only thing about her that's enormous,"

Remus held a finger in the air, signaling that he was about to speak. "I agree with Padfoot, Lily is much more attractive." he said, his eyes slowly coming to a close. "That silky red hair . . and those . . beautiful . . emerald eyes,"

"All right, Mooney," Sirius said, hitting his arm. "There's no need to get all strange on us,"

"Yeah, she's my girl, not yours. You can have that one girl, you know, the one that passes you love notes in McGonagall's class." James said.

Remus shook his head. "I have no interesting in datingOliviaLakeston. She's too high class for me."

Sirius smiled. "Uh huh. That's why your notebook is covered with, 'I Love Olivia'."

Rolling his eyes, Remus leaned back in his chair, setting his bottle on the table. "At least she is somewhat attractive, unlike you two women you fancy."

"Get off it, Mooney." Sirius said. "You know you wouldn't give up the chance to shag McGonagall."

Remus' eyes grew wide. "Padfoot, that is just dis-"

"Come on, Moony, tell us the truth." James said, grinning as he leaned forward. "Would you shag McGonagall if you had the chance?"

"Of course I wouldn't."

"What about Madam Pomfrey?" Peter said, tapping his fingers on the table.

Remus shook his head. "You would have to be completely nutty to shag that one."

James grinned. "What about Madam Pince?"

"Once again, you would have to be completely nutty."

Sirius leaned back in his chair, rubbing his chin in thought. "What about the Grey Lady?"

All four boys burst into a fit of laughter. "She's a bloody ghost!" Remus said, holding his chest as laughter poured from his mouth.

Sirius shrugged. "Ghosts need love, too, my friend."

James tilted his head slightly to the side. "Is that even possible?" he said, laughing.

All four boys grew silent, each rubbing their chin in thought.

"You've got to be bloody desperate to put the moves on a ghost!" Remus said, laughing as he took a swig of his drink.

Sirius grinned, nodding towards Peter. "Now look what you've done, Mooney. You're putting ideas into Wormtail's head!"

Remus and James burst into a fit of laughter while Peter sat silent, thinking for a moment, and then laughed softly to himself.

"Bloody hell," James said, wiping the tears from his eyes. "I think that was funnier than the time that we hung Snape by his knickers in that tree by the lake."

"That's right!" Sirius said, slapping the table in remembrance. "That was quite hilarious."

Remus nodded. "It was more than hilarious, mate."

"It looked like it hurt him quite a bit," Peter said, wincing.

"Oh, I'm sure it hurt him, Wormtail." Sirius said, taking a drink from the almost empty bottle. "But it taught him a lesson, didn't it?"

James nodded, leaning back in his chair. "Yeah, not to mess with my girlfriend,"

"Do you actually think that Lily would ever be that desperate to date Snape?" Remus said, scrunching his face together.

A grin played at Sirius' lips. "Who knows? I mean, she was desperate enough to go out with Padfoot,"

Almost in a blur, James flew across the table, pinning Sirius to the floor.

"So," Sirius said, laughing as James sat on top of him. "This must be how it feels when you and Evan's shag,"

Remus and Peter burst into a fit of laughter.

"Bloody hell," James said, rolling off of him. "That's just disgusting,"

Sirius laughed. "Hey, you put the moves on me, mate." Lifting himself from the floor, Sirius held out his hands in front of him, trying to keep his balance.

"Had too much to drink?" Remus said, taking a drink.

"No," Sirius said, grabbing the back of his chair. "Not enough, actually." After a few seconds, he stood up straight, holding out his arms as though he were dancing with someone.

James laughed. "What're you doing, Padfoot?"

Sirius ignored them as he danced around the room, almost tripping over his feet. "Minervia, my love," he said smoothly. "If only you were a few hundred light-years younger,"

Liquid squirted from Remus' nose.

James pressed a hand against his forehead. "Padfoot, mate," he laughed softly to himself. "You really are desperate, aren't you?"

"No," Remus said, wiping his nose. "He has just lowered his standards,"

Sirius smiled, waving it off. "I'm going to ignore that last comment, Mooney, for I know for a fact that you are just jealous of my woman."

Remus laughed. "Sure," he said, "If that's what you want to call it."

"Why don't you find a real woman, Padfoot? You know, one that isn't covered from head to toe in wrinkles." James said.

Laughing, Sirius shook his head. "Minervia is much more of a woman that any of those petty birds,"

"Bloody hell," Remus said, sinking back in his chair. "Just imagine if they ever had kids,"

James' eyes grew wide. "Those would be some horrid looking children."

"They would be beautiful children, Prongs." Sirius said as he took a seat, plopping his arms on the table. "Of course, they would take after their mother."

Remus raised his bottle, grinning. "Well then, here's to the lovely litter of gremlins,"

"Huffah!" James said, clashing his bottle against Remus'.

Shaking his head, Sirius sighed. "I feel the jealousy rising from your blood, and I have to tell you, I'm fine with it. Really, I'm fine. I mean, I understand completely that Minervia is bound to attract young studs like you boys,"

"I think she attracts more dogs than she does blokes," James whispered to Remus.

Slamming down his empty bottle, Sirius tilted his head to the ceiling, shutting his eyes. "I think I shall find my way to my quarters, now." he said, slowly getting up from his chair. "I can see that all of this talk about my woman is exciting you two, and quite honestly, I don't have the energy to fight you two away from her."

Remus snorted. "Oh, we're just itching to go shag her, Prongs."

"I know," Sirius said, shoving his hands into his pockets. "That is why I must go write to her, to tell her exactly how I feel about her."

James laughed. "You do that, Prongs."

Smiling, Sirius continued to make his way out of the Room of Requirement, disappearing down the hallway. Turning to one another, James and Remus sighed.

"Should we go save him from making a fool out of himself?" James said, running a hand through his thick black hair.

Remus nodded, smiling. "I think he would appreciate that."

Author's Note: Hey there! Ah yes, yet another Marauders story. I had a lot of fun writing this one. I'm thinking about writing another, so look for that in the distant future. So, as always, please don't forget to review! I really appreciated all of the awesome reviews that I got for my last two stories! Thanks to all of my readers!

Jess aka Frizz