Title: Realising the Truth
Author: Lysa-uk
Rating: PG
Feedback: Yes, please. lysaharris@fsmail.net
Distribution: If you want it, let me know where it's going.
Pairing: Willow/Xander (bet you didn't see that one coming)
Summary: This begins during 'Lovers Walk', and carries on from there, going AU. Willow and Xander discover that their feelings don't go away just because they got caught. Will a spell help make things clearer for them?
Disclaimer: Do I look like Joss Whedon? The answer is a big, fat no. I don't claim to own the characters mentioned in this piece of fiction, I just put them in my own situations. The characters belong to Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy/UPN etc. No copyright is intended at all.
Author's Notes: To start off with, this isn't my best piece of work, I know that. But I just thought it was very convenient that Willow and Xander both stopped being attracted to each other very suddenly after being caught. The prospect of them being together was never even mentioned on the show and it was never explained, so this is my own little scenario that I cooked up. It begins directly after Spike telling Buffy and Angel where Willow and Xander are and basically goes on from there. A few of the scenes I left the same. The scene with Willow and Buffy talking as they walk past the cemetery is in there but I changed it to suit the story. I also wrote this with the scenes of Xander visiting Cordelia in the hospital and Buffy and Angel breaking up in mind. They're not portrayed here, but in my world they still happened. It's all pretty much fluff, just like my other stuff.
Buffy froze as she saw the ambulance pull away from the usually abandoned factory, the lights flashing and siren wailing loudly, and her eyes widened in horror. "Oh, no…" she said, looking up at an anxious-looking Angel, before breaking into a run, heading for the small crowd of people formed around the static police patrol car. She fought her way through the few police officers with Angel behind, her heart racing in her chest. She saw a flash of red hair coming from the car and felt a wave of relief. She spotted Willow, her head in her hands, sitting in the front seat of the police car, the door open and her body turned, facing out of the vehicle. "Oh, God, Willow!" she exclaimed as she rushed forward and grabbed her in a hug, kneeling by the car. She pulled back, her hands firmly on Willow's shoulders, and looked at her friend's weary, pale face. "God, I saw the ambulance and I thought…" She scanned the faces around the car. "Wait a minute, where's Xander?" she asked.
A flash of guilt flashed through Willow's eyes as she caught sight of Oz over Buffy's shoulder, that same look on his face that he'd had since the moment he'd caught them, and she didn't trust herself to speak.
Buffy's hand flew to her mouth as she looked between them. "He's not…"
"He's fine," Oz said bluntly, causing Buffy to turn and look at him fully. "Cordelia's in a pretty bad way, though."
"Cordelia?" Buffy asked, obviously confused. "I thought you guys were getting Giles from the woods?"
"Long story," he told her.
"Was it Spike?" Angel asked.
"No," Oz told him. "It wasn't anybody. It was an accident. She fell through the floor."
"Xander's with her?" Buffy asked.
"Yeah," he told her.
Buffy looked back at Willow. "Are you sure you guys are okay?" she asked, still concerned. "I mean, the science lab-"
"I'm fine," Willow said quietly, tiredly. "Xander…" she looked up and caught Oz's eye again, the guilt flaring up. "Spike hit him pretty hard, but he seems okay. There was a lot of blood and he was unconscious for a while."
"Don't worry," Buffy told her, placing a reassuring hand on her arm. "He'll get himself taken care of at the hospital." She looked up at Angel. "Do you think we should go and see how they are?"
"No," Oz told them, his tone uncharacteristically sharp. "Leave them be. They have enough to deal with."
Buffy caught the icy glare that seemed to be directed at Willow, and looked at her friend. "Willow, what's going on here?"
"Excuse me, kids," one of the police officers said, interrupting them. "We're all done here. Any of you want a ride home?"
"Yeah, thanks," Willow said, pulling her legs into the car. "Buffy, can you come with me?"
Buffy looked up at Oz uncomfortably. "Um…okay, if that's what you want." She looked at the police officer. "Is that okay?"
"Yeah, sure," he told her. "What about you boys?" he asked. "You need a ride?"
"No, I have my van," Oz said as he turned his back, walking back to his van with his fists clenched.
Buffy looked at Angel.
"I'm fine," he told her. "I'll catch up with Oz and make sure he's okay."
She nodded her thanks. "I'll come by your place soon, okay?"
Angel smiled gently as she got into the back of the car.
"Oz!" Angel called, jogging after the musician as he reached the van parked in the alley beside the factory. "Oz, wait up!"
Oz could hear the calls and chose to ignore them as he threw open the door to the van and jumped in the driver's seat. He put the key to the ignition and paused. He wasn't exactly sure why, but when Angel opened the door he wasn't surprised. He slumped back into his seat, not looking at the vampire.
"I was calling back there," Angel told him. "I guess you didn't hear me."
"I heard," Oz told him.
"Is everything okay?" Angel asked. "I mean, you seemed a little off back there."
"You know," Oz told him. "I'm really not okay."
"If you're worried about Cordelia, maybe-"
"It's not that," Oz said quietly. "I lost her." He said simply.
"Lost who?" Angel asked. "Willow seems okay to me."
"I think I always knew that we were on borrowed time," Oz told him, still not meeting his eyes. "I mean, I always knew that there was something between her and Xander."
"Her and Xander?" Angel asked. "What do you…oh. I get it."
"I just figured that since he was with Cordelia, he wouldn't work it out. But that night at the hospital…I wanted to tell her it wasn't me, but I just couldn't. I couldn't risk that."
"You were afraid that she'd leave you," Angel said, understanding.
"Looks like I lost out anyway," Oz said. "She probably doesn't know it, but he loves her. And I know that she loves him, even if she can't accept it. I didn't mind, you know. I just wanted her with me. But after this…she's gonna come around sometime, and she's gonna say she's sorry, and she's gonna want to figure it out with us, and I'm gonna be tempted to take her back. But I can't. I know she's never gonna be fully mine until she finds out what it's like to be with him." He put his hand to the key in the ignition and started the engine. "Love hurts," he said with a sad smile.
Angel watched him for a moment, not knowing what to say. He guessed that whatever he did say wouldn't help make him feel any better. He stood back from the van and closed the open door which he had been standing in, watching as the van moved down the street.
The police patrol car came to a stop outside of the Summers residence, and Buffy got out of the back seat and opened the passenger side door for her friend.
"Are you girls gonna be okay?" the police officer asked.
"Yeah, we'll be fine," Buffy told him politely. "My mom's just inside."
"Okay," he said as Willow got out of the car. "Goodnight to you both."
"Night," Buffy told him. "And thanks for the ride home," she said as she closed the door after Willow. As the car drove off, Buffy took Willow's hand and led her to the front door, quietly worrying about her friend's silence.
"Are you sure this is okay?" Willow asked as Buffy opened the front door and let them in.
"Way okay," Buffy told her. "Your parents are out of town and there is no way that I'm letting you stay home alone. Mom would say that same."
Having heard the front door, Joyce hurried through from the kitchen, her face full of worry as she took both girls in a hug. "Thank God you girls are okay," she told them.
"We're both fine," Buffy told her. "But Willow's parents are out of town."
"Oh," Joyce said. "I'll make up a bed in your room."
"Thanks, mom," Buffy told her.
"Thanks, Mrs. Summers," Willow said.
"No problem," Joyce told them both.
"Uh, Will," Buffy said, "Why don't you go and sit in the living room and I'll make us some drinks."
Willow didn't respond verbally. She simply wandered slowly through to the sitting room from the hall and perched herself on the sofa.
"Is she okay?" Joyce whispered to her daughter.
"I don't know," Buffy told her. "I know something's going on, but I guess she won't tell me until she's ready."
Willow, having showered and changed into a pair of Buffy's pyjama's, took the third mug of steaming hot chocolate from Buffy as her friend sat next to her on the sofa, tucking her legs under her body.
"Are you feeling better?" Buffy asked, concerned.
"Tough question," Willow told her. "Physically? Yeah. I mean, I'm tired, sure, but relatively lump and bump-free."
"And emotionally?"
"That's where the trickiness comes in."
"You wanna talk about it?"
"So Cordelia's gonna be okay?" Willow asked uncomfortably, changing the subject and putting her mug down on the coffee table.
"Uh, yeah," Buffy told her. "They wouldn't really tell me anything when I phoned the hospital, but I managed to speak to Xander. He sounded pretty out of it, but he said her parents are with her. As far as he knows, she's gonna be fine."
"Tough night," Willow said quietly.
"Willow…" Buffy began slowly. "What's going on? Does this have anything to do with Oz? He seemed a little…well, un-Oz-like earlier."
"Well, I guess you should know," Willow told her. "I mean, I want to tell you, but it's hard. Buffy, I don't want you to hate me."
"I could never hate you, Will," Buffy said gently. "You can tell me anything."
"Okay," Willow said nervously. "Do you remember when we first met and all I thought about was one thing?"
"Schoolwork?" Buffy asked, confused.
"Okay, so two things," Willow allowed. "I meant the other one. The one where I was in love with Xander, and how one day he'd 'wake up and smell the hottie', as you so succinctly put it."
"Yeah," Buffy said with a nostalgic smile. "I remem…"
"Well, surprise, surprise," Willow told her.
"What!?" Buffy yelled.
"Pretty much my reaction," Willow said.
"When?" she asked.
"Buffy, I don't know if I can…" she took a deep breath. "I did something really bad."
"Willow, come on," Buffy urged. "You can't just say something like that and leave me hanging. Does Oz know? Is that why you guys were all avoidy?"
"Well," Willow began, "the thing is, you can't really blame a guy for being all avoidy when he rescues the girl he's supposed to be going out with and finds her making out with the guy who's supposed to be just her best friend on a bed."
Buffy, who had been taking a sip of her beverage, spat out the contents of her mouth in a spray over the coffee table. "You made out with Xander!?"
Willow bit her bottom lip. "Aha…"
"And Oz and Cordelia saw you?"
"Aha…"
"Okay, now this is all making a little more sense."
"We didn't mean to!" Willow said defensively. "It just…happened. I mean, after the first time, we both said-"
"Wait, wait, wait," Buffy interrupted, completely surprised. "That wasn't the first time?"
"Uh…kinda not…"
"How long exactly has this been going on?" Buffy asked suspiciously.
"Since before Homecoming."
"This is…" Buffy said, trying to get her head around it. "I don't know what this is…"
"It's wrong, that's what it is!" Willow told her, her voice rising.
"Well, yeah, but…how did this happen, Willow?" Buffy asked sympathetically. "You're the last person in the world I would expect this from."
"I know," Willow said, frustrated. "Me too."
"You've been keeping all of this to yourself?"
"I wanted to tell you," Willow told her. "I really did. But…I just couldn't."
"So that's why you were okay with the whole Angel situation?" she asked. "That's what you were trying to tell me that night in the cemetery when that Largos thing showed up?"
"I felt guilty."
"It's okay," Buffy said gently, before her face broke out in a grin. "So, how did all of this start? And don't leave anything out!"
"…And that brings us to tonight," Willow said, relieved that she was finally able to talk about it, while at the same time feeling the underlying guilt and pain, both of what she had caused and what she was feeling herself.
"I can't believe Giles saw you guys making out," Buffy said, stifling a laugh as she pictured his reaction.
"He didn't say anything to us directly," Willow said. "But it was all in the eyes."
"So, what now?" Buffy asked. "I mean, you and Xander finally have a shot at something-"
"No!" Willow said abruptly. "Don't say that. Me and Xander…so not going to happen."
"Willow, this must have happened for a reason," Buffy told her. "You and Xander-"
"Me and Xander nothing," Willow insisted. "This is all some stupid mistake. It's all some big, stupid clothes fluke that got out of hand. We just wanted what we couldn't have. It was a lust thing, that's all. You think I should call Oz?"
Buffy glanced at the clock on the wall. "I think it might be a little late," she told her. "I don't think his parents would appreciate being disturbed at this time of the night. Maybe you should just give him a few days or so. Willow, you need to think about this."
"Think about what?" Willow asked. "I hurt him so badly tonight, I know that. I just want to explain."
"And you expect him to listen?" Buffy asked.
"You think he won't?"
"If it were the other way around, would you?"
"I guess not."
"Can I just ask…where does Xander fit into all of this?"
"What do you mean?" Willow asked, fidgeting.
"Don't you think you should speak to him about all of this?" Buffy asked. "Ask him what he wants?"
"I can't," Willow told her. "I can't speak to him. I'm too made at him."
"Willow, he's going through all this stuff the same as you are. Plus, he has to deal with Cordelia getting hurt physically."
"I just…"
"Don't think about it too much now," Buffy said softly. "We should try and get some sleep. We can talk more tomorrow."
"Okay," Willow agreed, too tired to debate, her eyes heavy with sleep. "I'm sure everything will seem better tomorrow."
Willow's eyes fluttered open and she tried to blink against the sunlight streaming into the room from the window and struggled to remember where she was. She quickly adjusted at the sounds of Buffy's light snoring and she sat up in the camp bed Joyce had made up for her, just as she always did when she stayed over. For a moment she forgot the previous night's events, but once she remembered she instantly felt that pain rushing back, and she buried her head in her hands, moaning quietly to herself. She looked into the light from the window for a moment, trying to think of what she should do next. Was Buffy right? Should she speak to Xander? At the fluttering in her stomach at the thought of him, she instantly decided against it, pushing the feeling as far away as possible. She reached for the phone on Buffy's bedside table and hesitantly began dialling the numbers.
"Are you sure you wanna do that?" the slayer's voice said beneath her comforter.
"I have to do something," Willow told her, pausing before the last number. "He saw me and Xander kissing. He shouldn't have seen that."
"You hurt him, Willow," Buffy told her gently. "Don't you think he deserves a little time to himself?"
"But I don't want him to think that I don't care."
"Just wait a little while is all I'm saying," Buffy said, sitting up in her bed.
"Okay," Willow conceded. "I'll wait. I mean, what would I say to him anyway 'hey, Oz. Sorry you walked in on me kissing my best friend. How are you?'?"
"Probably not the best opener," Buffy told her. "You need to think about this before you do anything."
"Sure. Thinking," Willow said. "Like I haven't done enough of that since all of this began."
Xander lay on his bed, flat on his back, his position unchanged since he had arrived home the night before. He had only managed to stay with Cordelia during the ride to the hospital in the ambulance, and then they'd taken her straight through to some private room while one of the nurses cleaned and dressed the wound on his head before telling him that she was okay and sent him on his way, telling him there was nothing he could do but wait. In a moment of absent-mindedness, he picked up the phone and began to dial an all-too-familiar number, but as he heard the first ring, he remembered that this probably wasn't the best time to call Willow, and slammed it back down into its cradle. She had been the one that he had always turned to in the face a problem, but now everything was different. He had no idea what to do, how to proceed. He desperately wanted to know if she was safe, but then he remembered that she had stayed at Buffy's the night before and knew she would have been well taken care of. Then the guilt started again. The phone rang unexpectedly, dragging him out of his moping. "Hello?" he said miserably into the receiver. "Oh, hi, Buff…I'm fine, yeah…No, no news on Cordy. They just told me that she lost a lot of blood, but no major damage. I'm gonna call back in a while. Buffy, um, what about…is Willow okay?...Good…She told you everything?...Did she go home yet?...Look, I'm really gonna have to go now. I still haven't showered since last night, so…I will. Bye." He put the phone back onto his bedside table, before resuming the depression.
Willow stood at the front door of the Osborne household, having already knocked, she awaited the reply. She could feel her stomach churning with nerves and she seriously considered running back home. She had agreed with Buffy that she should wait before talking to Oz, but once she had gotten home and changed into her own clean clothes, she saw the picture of him sat in a frame next to her computer and made her mind up, the guilt eating away at her. She'd charged out of the house, as if on a mission, deciding telling him in person was better than speaking to him on the phone. At least this way he'd be able to see how sincere she was about wanting to put things right and how sorry she was that he'd had to see what he did. She froze when she heard the rattling of the door being unlocked from the other side.
Oz stood in the open doorway, looking effortlessly cool in his jeans and his band t-shirt, while at the same time, his eyes dark with pain – something Willow wasn't used to seeing. He stood silent, his eyes refusing to meet hers.
"Uh, hi," she said.
"Hi," he said quietly.
"I just…" she began nervously. "I know I'm the last person you want to see right now, but I need to talk to you."
"Willow…" he began.
"Please?" she said desperately. "You don't have to say anything. Just let me tell you this."
He looked at her reluctantly, stepping out onto the front porch and closing the door behind him. He walked past her to sit on the bench facing the front yard.
She perched herself on the bench next to him, flinching when she saw him tense up and shuffle down the bench, moving further away from her. "I'm sorry," she told him simply.
"That's the big speech?" he asked, looking out at the yard. "You could've said that over the phone."
"Would you have listened?" she asked.
"Probably not," he told her. "If that's all you have to say-" he said, standing up again.
She placed a hand on his arm and felt him tense up again. "There's more," she told him.
He backed away from her, moving so that he was backed against the wooden support of the porch.
"I know that I've hurt you a lot," she told him. "I know that I did something really, really wrong, and I am so sorry that you had to see that. I don't know what it is with me and Xander, I just…I wish I could tell you why it happened, but I can't. I want to make this up to you, Oz, if you'll let me. I know that you have no reason to trust me, but, please, you're so important to me, and I don't want to lose you. I know it's going to take a lot of time for us to get back what we had, but I wanna try."
"Are you done?" he asked.
"Yeah," she told him.
"Thanks for coming over," he said, heading back inside.
"Oz, wait," she said, standing up and going after him. "Aren't you going to say anything?"
"What do you want me to say, Willow?" he asked, not able to look at her. "I can't tell you that everything's gonna be okay with us. I need some time, Willow. I need to think about this. You need to give me some space."
Willow watched him disappear back inside the house, tears in her eyes, before she began to walk away.
Xander stepped out of the shower and switched off the running water, wrapping a towel around his waist and using the smaller hand towel on the side to dry his hair roughly. He opened the bathroom door and he felt the built-up steam from the heat of the streaming water escaped, causing a cold chill to run over him as he crossed the hall to his bedroom. He used the towel from his head to dry his face as he opened the door to his room, unable to see where he was stepping and stumbled over some of the clothes that were strewn across the floor. As he looked up, he saw a figure sat on his bed, her expression the same as his own. "Will?" he asked of the crying girl on his bed.
She looked up at him with tear-stained eyes. "Xander!" she cried as she rushed forwards, wrapping her arms around him.
He instinctively held her close, allowing them both just one moments peace in the whirlwind of emotions that they had both experienced since the night before. "Are you okay?" he asked her, guiding her back to the bed and sitting her on the edge, kneeling before her.
She had to take a breath as he pulled away, the feel of his naked flesh next her doing something that she really didn't want to deal with, making more tears fall. She managed to look up at him and nodded her head slowly. "Your mom let me in," she told him. "Hope you didn't me letting myself into your room."
"It's okay," he told her, a physical ache in his chest when she looked up at him, and he suddenly had the urge to take her in his arms again. He resisted, instead choosing to take the towel that had fallen around his shoulders and put it to her face, drying her eyes gently.
She closed her eyes against the feel of his hand on her face. "Xander?" she whispered.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Could you…" She opened her eyes, although they didn't seem to be able to leave his bare torso. "Could you maybe put some clothes on?"
"What?" he asked, looking down at his body. "Oh. Right. Yeah." He grabbed a pair of sweat pants and a shirt from an open drawer and went into the hall, making sure she couldn't see him, and returned a few minutes later, fully dressed. He dropped the wet towel onto the floor next to the bed and suddenly felt nervous. He ran a hand through his rapidly-drying hair and took a chance by sitting next to her, taking her hand in his. "I wish I knew what to say here," he told her.
"This is good," she told him quietly. "How's your head?"
"Kinda lumpy," he said. "We screwed up, huh?" he asked.
"I think we really did," she told him. "I'm sorry, Xander. I probably shouldn't even be here."
"Above everything else, Willow, we're best friends," he told her. "We always were before this and we will be after it."
"Promise?" she asked, her eyes red and swollen. "Because I feel like you're the only one that understands what I'm going through here, and you're the one person I should be staying away from."
"I'm so, so sorry, Willow," he told her sincerely.
"What for?" she asked, confused.
"For putting you through all of this stuff," he explained. "If I hadn't-"
"Hadn't what?" she asked. "You weren't the only one there, you know. I'm as much to blame for all of this as you are."
"Have you spoken to Oz?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yeah," she told him, a fresh flood of emotion flowing. "He…he wouldn't even look at me. He said that he needs time."
"That's understandable," Xander told her. "But he'll come around, Willow. He loves you."
"What about Cordelia?" Willow asked him. "How is she?"
Xander, suddenly looking pained, looked down at the floor. "She was pretty much out of it last night. They said no visitors, but I'm gonna go in tomorrow."
"You think that she'll forgive you?" she asked.
"This is Cordelia we're talking about," he pointed out. "So, I'm thinking not. I have to tell her that I'm sorry, though."
"I get that," she told him. "But aren't you going to fight for her?"
"I can't," he told her honestly.
"Why not?" she asked, somewhat confused. "I mean, if you love her-"
"I don't love Cordelia," he said, interrupting her. "I'm attracted to her, sure. Underneath all of those designer clothes and sarcastic remarks, there is actually a good person. But I don't love her, not like I should. I mean, I'm not in love with her."
"How do you know that?" she argued.
"Because if I loved her then I wouldn't be feeling like all I want to do is you kiss you…"
Her eyes widened in what seemed to be horror and shock and she pulled her hand from his, standing up and backing away from him. "What!?" she spat at him.
"I'm sorry," he told her. "But that's just the way I feel."
"No, Xander, don't do this!" she pleaded, tears in her eyes again, and her voice full of pain and anger.
"Willow, it's time this was out in the open," he insisted. "For the past few weeks, stuff has been happening between us. I know that I shouldn't be feeling like this, especially after what happened last night, but I can't just turn this off – unlike what you're doing."
"Xander, what we did was wrong!" she told him.
"I know that," he told her. "What, do you think I'm stupid?" he asked, his voice rising in anger. "But you can't deny that something was pulling us together."
"It's called 'lust', Xander. Look it up!" she spat at him. "We were just weak for acting on it."
"Look, I'm just trying to be honest with you here. Are you telling me that all of a sudden you've stopped feeling like that?"
"I am not listening to this!" she told him, pulling open the bedroom door and taking off down the hall and stairs, not stopping until she had reached the confines of the outside world.
"So Cordelia's gonna be okay?" Buffy asked Willow as the walked past the cemetery. "I mean, I know she lost a lot of blood, but none of her vitals were punctured."
Willow nodded. "Xander was going to see her today."
"And Oz?" Buffy asked.
"I never knew there was anything inside me that could feel this bad," Willow said sadly. "For the longest time, I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted everything. And now, I just…I just want him to talk to me again."
"Just give it some time," Buffy told her. "And be prepared for some grovelling."
"Oh, I'm ready," Willow told her. "I'm all over grovelling."
"Good," Buffy said, linking her arm through Willow's. "See, sometimes I hear it works." She suddenly stopped in her tracks, making Willow stop. "Wait, did you say you spoke to Xander?"
"I went to see him after I went to Oz's," she confessed as they resumed their pace.
"But I thought you were mad at him?"
"He was the only person I could think of that would know I felt," Willow explained. "I thought it would help."
"And did it?"
"No, it made things worse, if that was possible," Willow said as they rounded the corner to her street. "Xander…Xander said something."
"What something?"
"He told me…he said that…he said that he still wanted me – like, he wanted to kiss me."
"Oh," Buffy said with a grimace. "What did you say?"
"I told him it was wrong, Buffy," Willow told her, looking at her with accusing eyes.
"Yeah, it was wrong, Will," Buffy said. "You were both with other people. But what about now? Did you still wanna kiss him?"
"Buffy!" Willow said, sounding offended, removing her arm from her friend's. "How can you ask me that? You know how I feel about Oz!"
"Willow…"
"God!" Willow exclaimed as she began marching towards her house, casting an icy glare at Buffy.
"Willow, please," Buffy said, chasing after her. "Just wait."
Willow stopped as she got to the garden path leading to the front door. "What?" she asked.
"Can we just talk about this?" Buffy pleaded. "You can't go through all of this on your own."
Willow looked at her and immediately softened. "Okay," she allowed. "You'd better come in."
Willow handed Buffy the glass of arrange juice as they sat on the sofa in the Rosenberg's sitting room. "I don't know what there is to talk about," Willow told her. "I did something wrong and now I'm being punished."
"But have you thought about what you're doing?" Buffy asked her. "All you seem to be focussing on is how wrong you were and how much you want to make it up to Oz."
"Well, that's what I need to do," Willow said. "What else should I be focussing on?"
"It just seems that you're not considering all of your options," Buffy said softly. "Have you thought about Xander?"
"Why would I think about Xander?" Willow asked, suddenly defensive.
"He's been adult enough to tell you that he's still having these feelings for you," Buffy told her. "And it wasn't all that long ago that you were so in love with him that you couldn't think straight. Are you telling me that since all of this began with you and Xander, you haven't thought about what it would be like if you were together, without the whole guilt thing?"
Willow felt her stomach lurch, knowing she had. "Of course not," she lied.
"Do you love Oz?" Buffy asked, looking her in the eye.
"You know I do," Willow said, squirming under the slayers unintentional intimidating gaze, and she got up and moved to the stereo opposite them.
"No," Buffy told her. "I don't know. I've heard you telling me how bad you feel, how guilty you are. But I haven't heard you say you love Oz. You know what else? You keep saying how sorry you are that Oz had to see you and Xander kissing, but you've never once said that you're sorry you did it."
"I did!" Willow protested vehemently. "I have…" she said, less forcefully. "Haven't I?"
Buffy shook her head as she placed her glass of juice on the coffee table and stood up. "Look, I need to get home. Mom wants me home for dinner, and then I have something to take care of. You feel like joining us?"
"No," Willow said quietly, stuck in thought, her mind working furiously with her stomach and chest in knots. "I think I'm just gonna stay home."
"Call me if you need anything," Buffy said. She tentatively approached her friend and knelt at her side, taking her in a gentle hug.
"I will," Willow told her as she released the slayer and watched her disappear out of the door.
Willow sat on the floor of her room, her back against the bottom of her bed, the rescued Pez witch in her hands. She had hoped that being back at school would help her somehow, maybe take her mind off recent events. It had, in fact, only made it worse. She had spoken only to Buffy, hearing that she had decided not to see Angel any more, and to Giles briefly, while trying to avoid all the whispers from other students and avoid Xander at all costs in the two classes that she had with him, in which she'd managed to make sure that her eyes were planted firmly on the front of the room, even though she hadn't heard a word the teacher had said. Oz had been absent, which she couldn't decide was a good or a bad thing. She wanted to see him, but she wasn't sure she could handle him ignoring her in public. The last day or so that she had spent alone had given her time to think, especially about what Buffy had pointed out to her. And she had been right. When she thought back, she hadn't said that she loved Oz. Not to Buffy when she had been defending herself, not to Xander, and not even to Oz when she had spoken to him. And what she had felt when she was in Xander's arms…she couldn't deny that she had wanted him to kiss her, even though she couldn't admit it at the time. She threw the Pez witch down, angry at herself for feeling this way, and caught sight of something on her desk. She got to her feet and picked it up, an idea forming in her head.
Buffy walked into the library sombrely. "Hey," she said to Xander, seeing him stacking away the book returns in the book cage.
"Hi," he said, his usual smile that had once lit up his entire face being replaced with a small, unmoving smile.
"Where's Giles?" Buffy asked, looking around. "I thought we were meant to be training this afternoon."
"He said he had to go somewhere," Xander said with a shrug. "He did tell me where but I wasn't really listening. He should be back soon."
"I guess I'll wait then," she said, sitting at the table lazily.
"Everything okay?" Xander asked, abandoning the books and sitting opposite her.
"If you define 'okay' as feeling depressed, miserable and feeling as though you've had your heart ripped out, then yeah, I'm peachy."
"In that case, I'm okay, too."
"Did you manage to speak to Willow at all today?" Buffy asked.
"Are you kidding?" he asked. "She wouldn't even look at me."
"She's pretty freaked out, Xander," Buffy told him.
"Did she tell you what I told her when she came to see me?"
She shifted in her seat uncomfortably. "Yeah, she told me," she said.
"The one time in my life that I try to do the mature thing and be open and up front about something without making some dumb joke – especially something important like this – and the one person in the world I thought would never turn her back on me can't handle it."
"It may not seem like it, but you did the right thing," she told him, a reassuring hand on his arm. "I'm proud of you."
"I'm just scared that she's not going to be my best friend anymore," he told her.
"I am," a voice said.
Xander and Buffy both turned in their seats to see Willow at the door.
Buffy quickly stood up. "Um, I need to go…away…" she said as she made a sharp exit.
Xander watched Willow nervously as she took Buffy's seat opposite him. "Did you mean that?" he asked.
"Of course," she told him. "Whatever else happens with us, I still need you in my life."
He smiled his first genuine smile in days. "I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable the other day," he said. "I never meant to make you feel awkward or mad or anything like that."
"I wasn't," she told him.
"Yeah," he said sarcastically. "That's why you yelled at me."
"Okay, so I was a little mad," she allowed. "But I was mad at myself more than anything. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
"That's what friends are for, right?" he said with a grin. When she smiled back at him, he suddenly felt more at ease. "How come you were so mad at yourself?"
"Because…" she closed her eyes and put her head down, her red hair hiding her face from him, the blushes beginning before she'd even said the words. "Because when you told me that you wanted to kiss me…I wanted you to."
Xander was taken aback. That was something he certainly hadn't been expecting. Part of him was cheering inside at her admission, but the other part of him was absolutely terrified. What did it all mean?
"Even now," she continued. "I know it's wrong, but I just want you to hold me."
He stood up from his seat silently and made his way around the table. He took her fidgeting hands in his and pulled her to him gently, folding her into his arms. "What does all of this mean?" he asked. "I mean, with us. What's going to happen?"
She pulled out of his embrace and sat back in her seat, leaving him standing there looking at her, her eyes not meeting his. "Well, I had an idea," she told him. "I've been thinking about this and-"
"Why do I get the feeling this isn't going to be solved with logic?" he wondered out loud.
"This is logical," she told him. "Before Spike came in, we were-"
"No, no, no, no, no," he aid hurriedly, sitting opposite her again. "Don't even suggest doing that spell again."
"It's the only way!" she exclaimed.
"Willow, no," he told her. "We are not solving this with magic."
"Why not?"
"I told you already, I have bad luck with these sorts of spells. Are we forgetting the time you tried to axe-murder me? Not to mention the rest of the female population? What if something goes wrong here?"
"Okay, worst case scenario: the entire female population of the town rejects you, but that's nothing new, right? No big deal," she said, wincing when he glared at her. "Look, Xander, you wished that these feelings would just go away. I want that too. Feeling like this…" she told him, her face full of pain. "It's hurting too many people. I wanna do what's right. We've been friends a long time. I guess it was sorta inevitable that something would happen sometime. But you and me, it's just some dumb physical lust thing that's gonna go away sooner or later. We're just giving it a helping hand by making it sooner."
That physical ache was back again at the thought of her being pain because of something he had a hand in. "Okay," he told her quietly. "We'll do it your way."
Willow had all of the equipment sat up on the science lab table, mixing the ingredients she had in the pestle and mortar. She glanced at the magic book again, mumbling the instructions to herself.
"Look, are you really sure that we should be doing this?" Xander asked nervously, watching from the other side of the table.
"Xander, trust me," she told him. "This is gonna work."
"Where did you get all the ingredients?" he asked.
"They were left over from…" she caught his eye as she lit the Bunsen burner. "…from last time."
"So now what do we do?" he asked.
"Um, well, you don't do anything," she said. "I just have to add this mixture to the liquid once it starts to boil and then I just say the spell."
"And that's it?"
"That's it," she said, almost sadly. "Poof! All done."
"You think we're doing the right thing?" he asked seriously.
"Well," she began, "if we can stop thinking about each other, we can think of how to make things right with Oz and Cordelia."
"I guess," he allowed. "But, can I just…do you think maybe I could kiss you one more time?"
"Xander, I don't know," she said, unsure and nervous. "I don't know if…yes," she told him, surprising herself. She felt her heart quicken in her chest as he stood up and started over to her, and finding herself taking tentative steps to reach him, feeling like it was taking hours. She soon found him right in front of her. She closed her eyes as his hand came to her face and brushed away a lock of her hair that had fallen into her eyes. She opened them again, wanting to look into those brown eyes that were so familiar to her. She felt hopeless against him as he cupped her face in his hands and drew her closer to him. Her heart stopped as she closed her eyes again, unable to take the intensity of the moment and then she felt his lips against hers. Her hands fell against his chest as their lips remained locked together. All too soon he had pulled away, leaving her feeling even more confused and disappointed at the same time.
Xander watched her. She was still standing there, her hands flat against his chest and her eyes closed and he wished he had more time. He knew what he was feeling was more than lust and wanting something that was forbidden. But she believed that what they were experiencing was something purely physical. She was so desperate to believe that this spell was going to be the answer to both of their prayers. So, he went along with it. He put a hand over one of hers. "We should probably get on with it," he said reluctantly.
"What?" she asked, still dazed. She opened her eyes again. "Oh, the spell. Right." She quickly moved away from him and resumed the spell, taking the mixture of herbs and ingredients and adding it to the now-boiling liquid.
Xander took his seat again opposite her, watching as she concentrated on the book, checking the boiling mixture and reading the words from a loose piece of paper, having adjusted the original love spell to fit their situation. He watched, completely enthralled, as a bright green energy began to emanate from the liquid and quickly swirl around the room. In a flash, it separated and went through them both, forcing him to grab the table as it filled their bodies painlessly, making Willow stumble back into the table behind her. The light and energy dissipated and the room darkened again as if nothing had happened. "Is that it?" he asked. "Is it done?"
Willow struggled to regain her footing again, a little breathless and windswept from the supernatural experience. "Well, I…I guess so," she told him uncertainly. She straightened herself up, clearing her throat. "In fact," she said, struggling to come to terms with the fact that she didn't feel any different. "Yeah, it did," she told him. "It definitely did. I feel different. Don't you?"
"Uh…yeah," he said, trying his best to sound sincere. "I guess I do…"
"This is a nightmare!" Willow complained to Buffy as she paced her friend's bedroom, the same thing she had been doing for the past hour. "The spell should have worked by now!"
"I still can't believe you did that spell," Buffy told her, shaking her head, watching from her bed. "Can you keep still? You're starting to make me dizzy."
"I just…" Willow sat on the bed next to her friend. "I know the spell worked. I felt it go through me. Why don't I feel any different?"
"Maybe it just needs time or something," Buffy suggested.
"No," Willow told her. "I did that spell two days ago and I still feel the same. I still want him, Buffy."
"At the risk of sounding like a broken record," Buffy said. "You need to think about this, Willow."
"Think about what?" Willow asked, standing and re-starting the pacing.
"I've been listening to you talk about this for the past couple of days," Buffy said. "Have you ever stopped and thought about exactly why you're still having these feelings?"
"It's just some teenage, hormonal lust thing," Willow told her.
"Again, don't wanna sound like a broken record," the slayer said hesitantly. "But this time last year, you were pretty much head over heels for Xander. When did that stop?"
"Buffy," Willow said, laughing it off. "It was when…when…you know, I just…" she stopped laughing, trying to form a logical thought to answer that question. "It must've been…"
"You didn't stop," Buffy said sadly. "Did you?"
"No, I did," Willow said, defensive again as more tears threatened to fall, and not for the first time in the past few days. "But I must have," she said. "Didn't I?" she asked desperately.
Buffy smiled at her. "You're the only one who knows the answer to that question."
Willow could hear the strains of the country music echoing through the house as she started up the stairs of the Harris residence. For some reason, she wasn't surprised at the choice of music coming from Xander's room. She didn't know why, but something had told her to be expecting mopey, depressed Xander. Maybe it was the guilt talking. She'd heard enough from her guilt to last her a lifetime, and she knew that was partly what was wrong with Xander at the moment. She could understand that. What she wasn't too clear on was what else was getting to him. She knew what she hoped for, but she learnt a long time and a few heartbreaks ago that wishing and hoping didn't do much good. She took a breath as she reached his bedroom door, knocking loudly to be heard over the music of pain.
"Not hungry, mom!" Xander called, lowering the sound level from the stereo.
Willow opened the door to find him lying flat on his back on the bed, his room actually resembling tidy for a change. "That's gotta be a first," she told him.
He sat bolt upright on the bed, his hair ruffled from what looked like hours of being in the same position. "Willow, hey," he said cautiously.
"Hey," she said. "Wow, did you get a maid?" she asked.
"I got tired of having to search for clean clothes," he told her. "Give it a few days, it'll be the same as it was." He stood up uncomfortably, awkwardly stuffing his hands in his jeans pockets. "How are you doing?" he asked.
"Well, that kinda took me a while to figure out," she said. "But I think I'm okay now. What about you?"
"I'm great," he told her, trying to give her his best, dazzling smile.
"No, you're not," she said. "I know that you're not, Xander."
"Yeah, well, I'm working on it," he told her. "So, you're all lust-free?"
"That's the reason I came over," she told him. "I wanted to talk to you about that."
"Talk away," he said, sitting back on his bed.
She carefully sat next to him, making sure that she was facing him. "Do you remember what you said to me in here the other day?"
"Which part?" he asked.
"Well, the part about you being honest with me?" When he nodded, she continued. "Well, now it's my turn," she told him. "I lied to you."
"What do you mean 'you lied to me'?" he asked, concerned. "When did you lie?"
"The other day," she told him. "After the spell, I told you that I felt different."
"You didn't?" he asked, unsure of what she meant.
"No," she told him. "I mean, I know the spell worked properly. I felt the energy go through me."
"I did, too," he agreed.
"But it still felt the same," she said. "I mean, I just figured that it would take a couple of hours or so or something. Like, when Amy did that love spell for you. That took a while to work, right?"
"Yeah," he said warily. "I guess."
"But now it's two days later and it still feels the same – worse," she told him sadly.
"Don't worry about it," he told her.
"But it worked for you," she said. "Why not me?"
"Willow, I lied, too," he confessed. "I didn't feel any different either."
"Then why didn't you say anything?" she asked.
"Because…because I was scared," he told her honestly.
"Why were you scared?" she asked.
"When Oz and Cordelia found us, you…you were mortified by what we had done," he said miserably. "I saw that look on your face when you saw Oz…and I know how ashamed you were when you came over here. I just wanted to try and take away some of that pain for you. I thought that if I told you I wasn't attracted to you anymore, it might make you feel better somehow."
"I was never ashamed of what we did, Xander," she told him. "That's why I was so mad at myself. I wanted to be ashamed. But the reason why I was so upset, so mad…it was because being with you…it felt right. When we were in the factory…if they hadn't come in when they did, I don't know if I would've been able to stop…I don't know how far it would have gone."
Xander looked up at her, his eyes guardedly hopeful. "You think it felt right?" he asked quietly.
"More than anything I've ever felt before," she whispered.
"I knew that I wouldn't feel any different with the spell," he blurted out.
"How could you have known?" she asked.
"If you can believe this," he said, "logic."
"What?"
"When I told you that I didn't love Cordelia, that was true. I mean, at one point I think I may have fooled myself that I did, but you can't fool yourself forever, right?"
"Xander, what are you-"
"I love you."
"Huh?"
"That's why I knew the spell wouldn't work on me," he told her. "Because I finally realised the truth. I realised that I love you."
"Okay, not quite the response I was expecting," she told him, her tone rising in pitch and her hands getting clammier by the second.
"What did you expect?" he asked.
"I was expecting maybe a 'we're best friends and that's all that's ever gonna happen' kinda deal."
"We are best friends," he told her. "That's what we are first and foremost, but…"
"Xander, have you been watching Dawson's Creek again?"
"Yeah," he said sheepishly. "Actually, that Joey's…" he looked at her, suddenly confused. "Wait a minute, that's why the magic mojo didn't work on me. But why didn't it work on you?"
"That's actually a funny story," she said nervously. "It turns out that I'm kinda in love with you."
"You are?" he asked.
"Well…I don't know if you know this, but I was in love with you for so long, Xander, and you didn't have a clue."
"I had an idea," he told her. "I just thought it was a crush or something."
"I wish that's all it had been," sae said sadly. "Maybe then it wouldn't have hurt so much when I saw you and Cordelia in the stacks that time."
"I'm sorry," he told her. "I didn't want to hurt you."
"But you did," she said gently. "When I met Oz, it was different, opposite to everything that I was feeling for you. He was safe, romantic and he wanted me. Being with Oz was easy because he made me forget how I felt about you. But this past few days since the factory, I don't know if I ever really loved Oz. I care about him so much, and I'm sorry that he got hurt, but-"
"But you can't help the way that you feel," he finished for her.
She nodded. "So, what do we do now?" she asked. "I mean, I don't think that I can be with Oz now. It wouldn't be fair to him."
"It wouldn't be fair to you either," he pointed out. "I don't know about you, but I can't even think about being with anyone else. I mean, why would I?" he turned to face her, taking her hands in his. "Look at you," he said. "You're beautiful, smart, funny…no one's gonna compare to you."
"Wait," she told him. "You're talking like this is some doomed Buffy and Angel love affair thing that's over before it's even begun."
"Willow, I'm not good for you," he told her.
"Oh, but you're good enough to have been my best friend since we were four years old?" she asked sarcastically. "Look, I just want you to tell me what you want."
"I want you," he told her.
"And I want you," she replied.
"But I've hurt you so much, Willow," he said, ashamed. "Our friendship means the world to me. If we did something about our feelings here, there's a chance that I'd screw up. I couldn't handle losing you."
"And if we walk away now without doing anything, we could lose each other anyway," she told him. "I don't know if I can handle being so close to you without…with these feelings that I have. I did it before and it broke my heart."
"You think we could have something special?" he asked.
"I know we could," she told him. "We already have."
"Willow, if you let me love you…I don't know if I'll ever stop."
"Maybe you're not supposed to," she told him, putting her hand to his face and caressing his cheek. "But the only way to find out is being it a try."
"Really?" he asked. "But this all seems too easy."
"You think what we've been through lately is easy?"
"Well, no…"
She leaned forward and kissed his lips lightly. "Xander…" she said gently. "'Will you date me?'"
His face turned up into the brightest of grins as she stifled a laugh. "Very funny, Rosenberg!" he told her, breaking into laughter.
"Is that a yes?" she asked with a grin.
He stood up and pulled her to him. "It's a yes," he said, leaning in to kiss her.
"Wait a minute," she told him. "Isn't this supposed to happen at the end of an actual date?"
He looked into her green eyes. "Why wait?" he asked.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and put her lips to his. How could she argue with that logic? She felt all the guilt and the pain and the anguish slip away from her. Being with Xander was going to be the easy part. It was going to be telling Oz and Cordelia that would be hard. And they did have to tell them, not let them find out from some uninterested third party or by stumbling across them at an intimate moment. They would tell them and it would hurt them all, but it would be worth it for her and Xander, and that's all she could think of. Maybe it was selfish, but she had spent so much time worrying about everyone else that she had been forced to forget her own feelings. Maybe being with Xander, on the scale of bad ideas, ranked up there with walking through Sunnydale, alone, at night, with an open wound and wearing a sign saying 'come and bite me' in blood. But maybe it wasn't. Maybe it would work out and maybe it wouldn't. Or maybe this was just the way it was supposed to be.
The End