Warning! This is really daft, and contains strong language. Not suitable for minors, or anyone easily offended, or without an imagination. If you are offended by this, then kindly grow a pair. Of cabbages. Then sell the cabbages for two quid each, and buy yourself an anti offensive hat. It comes in blue, red, green, black, and sanguine aubergine, for the daring.

The following story is insane. Have fun

Fangs and Sparkles.

I was sitting outside the sunlit café, on the corner of the street, when the crow appeared. It flew down with a flurry of feathers, landing on the chair opposite from mine. I gave it a look, before returning to piling my scones high with clotted cream. People walked by- I got my glass refilled. The bird stayed there, watching me intently. After a moment, I threw my fork at its head. The crow took the impact to the face, the prongs wedged in its left eye, handle vibrating slightly. It didn't budge.

'That wasn't very nice.' It said. I ignored it.

'You know, I always thought the jamb went on first.' It continued. 'Drac always puts the jamb on first.' It paused. 'Then a shitload of blood, then the cream.'

'What do you want?' I asked, irritated. It coughed, and a cigarette fell out of its beak onto the ground.

'Ah fuck.' It said. 'Right, Master's sending a call through now. He's a bit pissed, by the way. Drank a local tavern dry. Alcohol in the blood and all that.'

'Tell him I don't want to talk to him.' I said.

'Putting him through now.'

'I said I don't-'

The crow opened its beak, and emitted a sound much like the ringing of a telephone. I waited for a moment.

'The number you are dialling is unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep.' I said. Then-'Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep'

'Nights, you shit, where are you?' The crows voice had changed. It was now slicker, European. Angry. 'Ring me back. This is a matter of importance, and emergency, and if you don't, I'll feed your spine to you with a sledgehammer. Got it?'

Then the sound of a click and a drone. I sighed, taking another bite of my scone. It tasted of pure freedom. And diabetes.

'I think he's being serious.' said the crow. 'You know what he did to that bloke a while back who refused his request? He turned him into a pendulum by nailing his testicles to the inside of a clock.'

'Fine.' I picked up my mobile, dialling a number into it. It was picked up after the first ring.

'NIIIIGHTS!'

The voice was so loud that spittle actually flew from my phone. I held it away from my ear, grimacing. Then tentatively, I put it back.

'Um. Hi?'

''''NIGHTS-WHERE-THE-FUCK-ARE-YOU-YOU-WONT-BELIEVE-THIS-SHIT-SWEET-MOTHER-OF-MONKEY-JESUS!'

'Um. Sorry?'

'GABLASHIZZLEPIZZLE! MOTHERFUCKINGTOASTFAIRY!' Then a whimper of pure rage. I rolled my eyes.

'Breath, you idiot.'

A pause.

'Oh, very funny.'

'You mind telling me what's going on?'

'Yes.' The speaker said, and hung up. I waited. My mobile rang again. After three rings of steadying myself, I answered it.

'What I actually meant was no.' the voice said sheepishly. 'As in, I don't mind.'

'Right.'

'But I need you here, Zephry. This is the biggest disaster to ever have befallen vampire communities. Come to my evil Castle of Dark Shenanigans immediately. I need…' He paused dramatically. I swear I heard someone break wind on his side of the line

' …a writer.'

'Its Zephyr, not Zephry. And why me?' I asked. 'You've got plenty of writers to choose from. Like ones that have actually finished novels, and got them published. And ones that can actually write.'

'Sell out whores! No, no, no. I need a writer with spirit, who scribes for the joy and imagination of writing! Not someone who'll charge twelve euros for some lump of shit they churned out in five seconds!'

Despite myself, I put the five second piece of writing that I had been working on, aiming for future publication, under the table. The crow was busy trying to remove the fork from its eye. It hadn't noticed.

'Right. Yes. Well, ok. I'll be right there.'

'Yes, you certainly will. I've rigged the crow with Teleportation Awesome Powers. It'll get you here in seconds.'

'Ok. I'll see you in a bit.' I said, hanging up before he had a chance to speak again. I reached out, grabbing the fork in the crows face, pulling him closer. 'Right. You're going to get us to the CDS. Got it?'

'Hey sexy.'

'And enough of that. I'm sick of birds hitting on me.'

'You're a fucking liar.'

'True.'

The air shimmered, distorting the space around us. I saw half glimpsed vision in the gaps between reality, shifting figures, possible realities. Most of them looked like a giant pizza, if I'm honest.

There was a flash, and we reappeared in the single most awful place imaginable. It was full of singing flowers, gently rolling hills, flying doves, and happy rainbows. It was so vile, that I threw up on the ground- all that came out my mouth were jelly beans.

'Sweet f*ckery! Where the f*ck are we?' I frowned, and tried to swear again. The f-bomb came out censored. I sighed. The crow cocked its head on one side.

'Oh. Yes. We appeared to have ended up in Stephanie Meyer's vision of middle earth.'

'What the f-'

There was another flash, and we were suddenly outside the walls of a dark castle, lightning crackling round its spires.

'-uck.' I finished. 'Oh. Thank Christ. We're out. That was the single most horrifying experience of my life.'

'Too right. Load of shite.' Quoth the raven. 'Right, lets go see Dracs. I think he's in this here castle.

Silence. I shot the raven a look. The banner over the door, reading Castle of Dark Shenanigans had apparently escaped the crow's attention.

'You're a mug.'

'Do you want to go back to Rainbow Mordor?'

'Pleasegodno.'

'Then shush. Come on. Lets in.'

/

Dracula paced around the shadowy room, enraged. I sat in the chair before his desk, watching him stalk to and fro. His teeth gnashed, he pulled at his white hair and moustache, his cloak flapped about the place like the wings of an angry badger with wings. And on the table in front of us, was the entire Twilight Saga, in paperback.

'I can't believe this.' Dracula roared. 'How could anyone do this to us vampires? Who could be so…'

He shook his head. He looked ready to cry. I was tempted to put an arm round him, but abstained for fear that said arm might be dislocated and shoved up one nostril.

'Ok, Dracula. Its bad, I know, but not that bad.'

'Not that bad? Zephry, do you not understand the enormity of this? They sparkle in the sun.'

'Ok. True.'

'IN THE FUCKING SU-'

'Yes. I know. I've read them.'

'Traitor!' Dracula pointed dramatically. The raven hopped onto his finger, and pointed a wing with him. After a pause Dracula asked the bird to get off.

'Listen. I knew something like this would happen. You know what they say, Dracs. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.'

'How much of Stokers' novel have you read Zephry?'

I paused. 'Um. Well, quite a bit.' I thought furiously. 'Oh! I know there's that bit, you know, where you climb face first down…the wall…' I trickled off, watching the expression on his face. He looked more than a bit miffed.

'And yet you've read the entire Twilight Saga.'

'Enemies closer, Dracs.'

He sighed.

'I can't believe this, though. A girl who is so wishy washy and pathetic as a protagonist that she should be offensive to all females, a vampire who is so boring and morally irritating that he's an insult to vampire kind. No fangs, no powers apart from reading minds and being a charisma vacuum. And they both-'

He waved his hands around, and locked the fingers, clapping his palms together. I frowned, trying to decipher what this gesture meant.

'Eat a vertical cookie?'

'Fall in love! They fall in- and this is the premise for the whole series!'

'And the movies I added.'

Dracula paled so much that he came out the other side of the spectrum as a black man.

'There are…movies?'

'Yep.'

The vampire had passed through the anger, and was now in the calm world beyond, where everything was about to die, just not yet.

'What.' He said. It came out a little strained

'Films. They've already made three.'

'Pray tell,' said the vampire. 'H-how do they do…the sparkling in the sun?'

'Its like they covered him in glitter glue. Oh! and they fly around on wires in the first one. It looks like an effect from the old 20th century films whenever they needed flying dinosaurs'.

'I am going to kill everyone.'

'Its been done before. Come on Dracula, you're overreacting. It hardly Darren Shan.'

'Do not speak that name in polite company, Zephyr! And no, its worse. By a long shot.'

'Um, Dracula? Woman gets her arm ripped off, and sown on magically with no repercussions?'

'Still not as bad.'

'Des Tiny?'

'Ok, so its as bad. Fine. But Darren Shan was never this successful.'

'So what do you propose we do?'

'Simple. We are going over to the Twilight Saga, and we are going to rape the hell out of it.' He smiled evilly, so much so that his mouth actually left his face temporarily and went off to kick a squirrel. I frowned.

'So, we're doing what exactly?'

'My dear boy, Zephry-'

'Its Zephyr'

'Zephyr. What we are about to do, will change things. It will bring about the fall of Meyer's vampire world, and all things sparkly. It will bring darkness to the down of Forks, and to the lives of all worshippers of this obscene cult.' He chuckled with evil-right on cue, the lighting crashed.

'We are going to write…a fanfic.'

Above his laughter, the lightning crashed again. It hadn't passed its test, and was having trouble keeping on the roads. The weather police came, and fined him two hundred pounds, with three points on his license. They were thinking that he was drunk, but he passed the breathalyser test, so it was all ok. He was really just a crap driver.

Too bad he read Twilight.