Jim & Squidward: A SpongeBob Story Part 5: Heist, 1997
Jim monologue; welp. This happened. The first day was a gigantic success. The buzz we had, the love we got. It was crazy we really didn't expect this. The way it went was crazy. we have a restaurant and we are not gonna fuck this one up, it's way too important for us to fuck it up. way too important.
(Krabs sitting with plankton at the restaurant)
Plankton: what is it?
Krabs: there's no way. Those douche bags
Plankton: what is it Eugene?
Krabs: we've gotta get our food to go and go back to my fucking office
Plankton: why?
Krabs; I'll explain later
(Closing time at jazztel. Jim and Squidward talking to Colleen out back)
Jim: so that's what owning a restaurant is like
Squidward: its wild. Especially when people like your food
Colleen: ya know what would make this moment great
Squidward: do you want us to roll a blunt?
Colleen: please fucking do
(They get high as the song Money Trees by Kendrick Lamar plays)
Colleen: well. We did it
Squidward: now what?
Jim: yeah. Now what?
Colleen: we make money
Squidward: getting a restaurant was so easy.
Colleen: Squidward, do you understand that we got incredibly lucky?
Squidward: how so?
Colleen: we got everything at the right time. Everything fell into our laps. Literally everything
Squidward: I feel like the hype is over
Colleen: Squidward, owning a business is all fucking hype
Jim: yah pretty soon I could move out of my parents' basement. That's fucking hype to me
Squidward: and pretty soon I could record my jazz ep under the name Squidy T. That's fucking hype too
Colleen: damn. Who rolled this blunt. The shit is fuego
Jim: that's my doing
Colleen: damn why are we in the restaurant business. We need to do the seaweed business
Squidward : funny.
Colleen: Alright. I'm out, you bozzos better not forget to close the place. Be back tomorrow
(Krabs and plankton in his office eating the fuuk squilám )
Krabs: I know exactly what this taste is
Plankton: what is it?
Krabs: it's the fucking Krabby patty secret formula
Plankton: dead ass?
Krabs: yes. They fucking took it. Tomorrow we need to march in there and talk to those bitches
Plankton: that we do
(The next day at jazztel)
Jim: oh squid, try this yogurt.
Squidward: hmmm. What is it?
Jim: I think its like pineapple
Squidward: I like it
Jim: yeah it's really good
(In come Krabs and plankton)
Krabs; Jim!
Jim: ugh. What do these virgins want
(Approaches Krabs). What is it, Eugene
Krabs: what fucking Sauce is in the fuuk squilám
Jim: it's a secret, bitch
Krabs: I guess I'll have to find it myself (runs to the kitchen as Fuck You by CeeLo Green plays)
(Krabs finds a note book that says "recipes" and takes it. He runs but Jim tackles him before he gets away)
Jim: you pathetic cunt.
Krabs: but I
Jim: leave!
(He leaves)
Colleen: what the fuck is his problem?
Jim: you should've said problems
(KrAbs and plankton in the office)
Krabs: well, ya know what we have to do now, right?
Plankton: a heist?
Krabs: a fucking heist
Plankton: how do we contrive this.
Krabs: I'll be back in 15 minutes
(15 minutes later. 3 random people are sitting in the office while Krabs is about to present something)
Krabs: all right, gentleman. Tonight we are gonna change the restaurant business. We have a. Notebook to steal. As you could see, none of you know each other (points to some punk ass girl) I found her at the skate park smoking cigarettes and wearing Osiris's so I'm Assuming she can pick locks
Skater kid: just like any other skater girl I could pick a lock and punch a bitch In The face.
Krabs: good to hear. Bitches might need to be punched
Skater kid: I got you for that one. Also my name is Kim
Krabs: this dude over here (points to him) I saw him at the bargain mart eating pickles straight from the jar. He had the juice, too. So I'm assuming he is ruthless. We need that
Pickle guy: my boy said he'd give me 4 bucks of I'd do it. Also my name is Chad
Krabs: okay Chad. We've also got the defenseman for the Bikini Bottom Mighty Clams. I saw him playing hockey in the parking lot to the bargin mart. I'm thinking we could use him to hold the rope
Hockey player: I could do that. Not to mention, my name is Jeff
Krabs: last, but certainly not least, we have the brain, Sheldon.
Kim: where'd you find him?
Krabs: I've known him for quite a while
Plankton: I've got the goods.
Krabs: now, if this goes wrong , our safety might be at risk, so I'm gonna need everyone to keep from fucking up. So chad, if you see pickles in the kitchen, don't bother with them. Kim, if you think you could do a sick jump or whatever you skaters call them, keep from it. And Jeff, if you see one of us near the wall, don't push us into it
Everyone; ok Eugene
Krabs: okay, now the plan. I scoped out the place before I found everyone. There is an entrance to the kitchen from the back. They obviously lock it, but there is a way we could get in. We'll have Kim pick the lock, but here's where it gets crazy. I'm assuming Kim has been arrested for attempted robbery?
Kim: yep
Krabs: is it a big deal if it happens again
Kim: how much are you paying me again?
Krabs: 20 bucks
Kim: okay I'll do it
Krabs: okay okay. Anyways, while Kim is breaking in, the alarm will go of. There is an alarm. While the alarm is going, Kim will wait for the cops. When the cops come, I, along with Jeff and plankton will be on the roof. Plankton will use his tools to let us I. Through the vent which leads to the kitchen. Jeff is gonna hold the rope while i climb down it. We'll get the note book and I'll climb back up
Chad: where am I gonna be?
Krabs: you'll be in the back of jazztel making sure nobody is looking. And if they do, talk to them about something different. You're basically there incase something goes wrong
Chad: um okay
Krabs: ignore my comment about the pickles in the kitchen, you won't be there. Plankton doesn't have to go either actually but whatever I guess. So I guess we have some time to kill. Might as well plug in the sega and roll some blunts.
Kim: I could roll
Krabs: nice
(Jim and Squidward leaving the restaurant)
Jim: day 2 check
Squidward: longest 2 days of my life
Jim: do you have the recipe notebook? Wouldn't want Krabs coming in and taking it
Squidward: I left it where it was. Don't worry, if he tries anything the alarm will sound
Jim: yeah that makes sense. Anyways, that dude mac wants to get his band to play Jazztel
Squidward: I always liked Mac. But he told me the band doesn't even have a bassist
Jim: you could do it
Squidward: the whole rock thing isn't really me
Jim: what genre are they?
Squidward: like alternative. Kinda like if the smiths were punk
Jim: sounds cool
Squidward: yeah
Jim: you know you don't have to be at jazztel all of the time. You could live your other dreams too.
Squidward: I know man. We just started I'll always own the restaurant tho
Jim: I know man. But just fuckin live now. Kinda crazy how everything seemed to go out fucking way
Squidward: I'm with you brother
(Krabs driving the squad in his car)
Krabs: anyone feeling a little hungry?
Plankton: I could eat
Krabs: okay. I could stop at the McDonald's drive thru
Drive thru speaker: welcome to McDonald's. What would you like?
Krabs: I'll have a 10 piece McNuggets with sweet and sour sauce and a small dr. Kelp
Speaker: is that all?
Krabs: um no. Plankton, what do you want?
Plankton: I just want a small fry
Krabs: uh a small fry
Speaker: is that all?
Krabs: no we kinda have a lot of people here so itll be a while. I'll tell ya when it's all. (Faces the backseat) Kim, what do you want?
Kim: a chicken sandwich and a small shamrock shake
Krabs: a chicken sandwich and a small shamrock shake. (Looks back) Chad, what do you want
Chad: I'll have a cheddar melt and onion nuggets
Krabs: they discontinued both of those items
Chad: well, they might have them. Just ask
Krabs: I'm not gonna ask, I know they don't have them
Chad: fine. I want the big 33
Krabs: they also discontinued that
Chad: what the hell? Okay then I guess I'll have a whopper
Krabs: okay. Yeah we'll also have a whopper
Speaker: ya know this is McDonald's right? We dont have whoppers.
Krabs: then fucking give me your specialty burger.
Speaker: done yet?
Krabs: nope we got one more
(Cars behind them honking their horns)
Krabs:(yells out window) hey, could you be fucking patient? We've all got places to be. (Looks back) Jeff, what do you want?
Jeff: 5 piece mcnugget and a mcdouble
Krabs: okay. Yeah and we'll have a 5 piece McNugget and a mcdouble and that'll be all
Speaker: ugh okay. The total is $23.51
(Krabs drives up and pays and gets the food)
Krabs: man. We should've just went in
(Drives to the parking lot to the place next to jazztel, a montage of them enjoying each others company along with the food while the song Summers In PA by The Wonder Years plays)
(Them in the back of jazztel going with the plan)
Krabs: okay Kim, once you see plankton, Jeff and I on the roof, wait 5 minuets then start picking the lock, Chad, hide when the cops come
Kim: okay
Chad: okay
(The roof squad climbing up the latter)
Krabs: man, this is a hard climb. I gotta stop smoking
(Krabs falls)
Jeff: holy shit Eugene
Plankton: he'll get up
(Plankton and Jeff waiting on the roof)
(Krabs gets up on the roof)
Krabs: why didn't you guys fucking wait and help me?
Jeff: plankton said you'd be fine
Krabs: I could've gotten seriously hurt ?ￂﾠ
Plankton: you seem fine
Krabs: okay plankton start with the vent
Plankton: okay...wait a second. I forgot my tools in the car And we forgot the rope. Also In the car
Krabs: what the fuck?
Jeff: I'm not going down
Krabs: it's not wroth the fight I'll just go.
(Krabs climbs down. Falls when he's at the last 2 steps)
Krabs: ah. Bitch (gets up, sees Kim picking the lock) Kim! Did the alarm go off yet
Kim: idk, it must be a silent one because I did pick the lock.
Krabs: oh fuck we don't have much time (runs to the car, gets the shit and climbs back super fast) okay, get to work Sheldon
Plankton:(does his thing)
Krabs: Jeff, take the rope
Plankton: okay, I got it off.
Jeff:(takes the rope and does his thing)
(Police siren)
Krabs: fuck the cops. We gotta go down quick. Jeff, once we're down, hide behind something
(They go down)
(Kim's POV)
Cop 1: what are you doing?
Kim: what's it look like?
Cop 2: smart girl, huh?
Cop 1: didn't think silent alarms were a thing?
Kim: look, just take me. It's not like it's the first time
Cop 1: something seems devious. Nobody asks for an arrest
Kim: what else am I gonna do, run and get into more trouble?
Cop 2: whatever, this bitch is dumb.
(They cuff her and take her to the cop car)
Krabs: (in the kitchen) here's the notebook. (Takes it) okay let's go.
Plankton: this is a clean kitchen.
Krabs: yeah yeah yeah. Let's go.
(They climb back up)
(On the roof)
Jeff: ya got it?
Krabs: fuck yeah.
Jeff: awesome. Let's get Chad and see if we could get Kim
(They go to chad)
Jeff: man how awesome was that.
Krabs: such a rush
Chad: I literally stranded here doing nothing. I didn't get much of a rush
Krabs: alright man. Let's go
(Kim at the station)
Cop 1: why did you try to break in jazztel?
Kim: the same reason I broke into all of the other places I've broken into
Cop 2: it doesn't have to do with the recent buzz it's been getting?
Kim: dude just put this on my record and let me go
Cop 2: you didn't answer the question
Kim; no I just wanted loot. Alright?
Cop 1: okay. Make a call. Go home. You're lucky you're not 18 yet but kid, you've got a lot on your record
(In the car)
(Kim calls krabs')
Kim: hey
Krabs: who's this?
Kim: it's Kim. Remember you gave me your cell?
Krabs: oh yeah. Are they letting you go?
Kim: yah.
Krabs: okay
Kim: whoever you send in (Kim looks up to see if anyone is around) make sure they pose as my dad (whisper)
Krabs: okay. Be there in a few. Bye
Kim: see ya
(hangs up)
Krabs: man, that Kim girl is one bad kid.
Chad: I could've taken an arrest
Jeff: yeah okay.
Chad: next time let me be the bad ass
Plankton: okay pickle boy
(At the station)
Krabs: Jeff, maybe you should go in. I don't Want them to see I have to do with
Chad: I could do it
Krabs: uhh fine
Plankton: pretend she's your daughter
Chad: we're like the same age.
Krabs: just go in
(Chad goes in)
Chad: I'm here for Kim
Cop 1: umm okay. You look a little young
Chad: yeah. Why do you think she's so fucked up
Cop 1: you know what. It's not worth the fight take her.
(The squad goes back in the office)
Krabs; we did it!
Everyone: woooo hoooo
Plankton: let's open up the notebook
Krabs: (opens it up ) ingredients in fuuk squilám. Pasta, carrots the Krabby patty secret formula. Those sons of bitches
Kim: now what?
Krabs: ya know what, I'm tired as fuck. We'll meet tomorrow.
Jeff; yeah good idea
Chad: it was a great night
Plankton: shut up, chad
Chad: what?
Krabs: you know what. If y'all need to crash here, be my guest. But I'm going back to my house
(End)