I was staring at the ceiling in my bedroom. I couldn't sleep again. I was doing that for more than an hour and I still couldn't bring myself to sleep. My mind was running wild with so many questions, so many things that can go wrong with my life once again. I know that I am probably over thinking but that's just who I am. I was sad and depressed. It all started 3 years ago when I was 14. I didn't quite understand it. It wasn't all of a sudden. I was slowly falling into the arms of the darkness. And my depression only got worse. I wasn't even sure if I suffered from depression because I never asked for help. I never said anything to anyone. I am a very private person. I have my demons and I've learned to deal with them . But nights like these were the worst. When it first started I had like 1 or 2 sleepless nights in a weak and now almost every night is a torture. I feel tired all the time but when I go to sleep I can't. My mind is rasing and I can't stop.

I took my phone from the nightstand hopping that it will help me to stop thinking and worrying. I unlocked it and saw „3:22". „Great" I mumbled to myself before checking every social media I used in attempt to keep myself busy and stop thinking so much. I checked my tumblr and as always I spent more time there than in any other media. I love tumblr. Mine was pretty much depressing and sad as you may guess . I was getting a lot of support from people all around the world but that never gave me the strength I needed to pull myself up from the dark hole I was in. I mean it was great that someone actually cared enough to write me a sweet message saying how I am good enough and I don't deserve what I feel but C'mon ...it's not like the help you would get from a friend or from your family. But I would never confess what I feel or how sad I am to someone actually close to me. What if they say it's stupid? Or that I'm just overreacting? That I'm just a kid and everything will be fine 10 years from now ? Yeah, that may be true..but I needed it to be fine now. I was scrolling through my dashboard when I got a message.

„Are you okay?" - from getxawayxmadness

I checked his/hers tumblr page really quick. It wasn't as depressing as mine but it was definitely dark and not a happy blog.

„Yes. Why?" I lied. I mean of course I wasn't fine but I wasn't in a mood for explaining what's wrong with me once again either.

„Your blog says otherwise." Was the next message.

„Well if my blog says how I am feeling why the need to ask ?" it was more of a sarcastic question but I guess it didn't seem rude at all necause i got a message again.

„Cuz I kinda need someone to talk too" was the answer that took me by surprise.

I was rude and cold when someone was asking me private questions but I was always willing to help if someone needed comfort or just a small talk to make them feel better. It's weird. I like helping others and that makes me happy but I don't like it when they think I need help. Because I don't. Now I was feeling bad for being rude to her or him. The blog didn't exactly say much and it looked almost as if it was new but I wasn't quite sure cuz I got tired of scrolling.

„Whats up ?" I texted back

„I'm not really sad or depressed. I'm just tired of everyone's expectations of me. I'm put into a lot of pressure everyday. From my mom, my teachers. They don't think I'm good enough. They don't believe in me. My dad died a while ago and since then its just me, my mom and my 2 older brothers. My mom is a mess and I'm the only one taking care of her since my two brothers went to college..My teachers went nuts about my grades this semester saying I'm gonna fail (which is probably true). I guess I just need to tell someone how I really feel or I will just burst out and it won't be pretty"

That was a long answers I didn't expected. I thought I would get something like „I'm mad at the word, I'm hurt. I wanna kill myself." Well, I guess I was wrong.

„If you're not into studying then what are u into ?" I asked back. Stupid question I know.

„Well, I like music. A lot. I mean I know how to play guitar and I love doing it. I sing too. And I'm not saying that I will be this huge rock star one day but if I have to work one job for the rest of my life it would definitely have something to do with music." He answered.

Well obviously it was a boy. He was interesting. I liked the fact that he wasn't sad like me or suicidal. It was actually nice talking to him or should I say text him cuz it really wasn't a real conversation.

We texted for some more time and I learnt a lot about him. His name was Ben and he was from Melbourne. The fact that he was Australian too took me by surprise once again. I mean what are the chances ? I told him a fake name „Allison„ and that I was from Perth which wasn't the truth. I was from Sydney and I've lived here my whole life. He was 17 years old just like me. He seemed really nice and like someone who's desperate to show himself to the world. He was living a lie. From what he told me nobody knew about his passion about music but his friends. He was living through so much and he wasn't joking about the pressure he was put into. His mom made him go to private lessons so he could be prepared for college and get a scholarship.

I thougt that I had enough of this night since it was almost 4:30 and went to sleep. The conversation with that boy Ben didn't get out of my head easily. For a second I even wished I knew him. I don't know why or how since I don't get attached to „internet people" but he was more. Maybe because he was misserable with his life just as I was. We had some things incommon but we were definitely different. I don't know but something in his story made me want to talk to him more. Maybe because I wanted to save someone from being hurt or fix someone who's already broken just because nobody wanted to save me.

The next morning I was awoken by my annoying alarm. „Oh yeah...school" I remembered since I slept not more than 3 hours. Again. I couldn't keep doing this and I knew it. It made me tired and more sad. Made me grumpy and when I don't get enough sleep ..well let's just say I'm not the most pleasant person to talk to. Everything made me mad and irritated. I didn't want to feel like that so I knew all of this madness should stop. School wasn't going good either. My grades were okay I guess, my parents were happy but they never knew how much effort I put just into concentrating for 10 minutes. Studying took all of my energy but at least it got my mind off of the things that kept me awake at night.

I quickly went through my morning routine and dressed up. My school didn't have uniforms so I guess that was a plus. I went downstairs and started my breakfast which was nothing more than a bow of cereal.

„Good morning" I heard my mom say when she walked into the kitchen.

„Morning" I simple answered. I wasn't in a mood for talking...but yet again these days that wasn't a new thing.

„You look tired again. Did you sleep well?" my mom asked with a concern getting herself a cup of coffee I made for her and my stepdad. I make their coffe since I was 10. They work a lot so I basically see them in the morning and at dinner. So when I was little I wanted to do something for them just like they were doing for me and I just felt that making them their coffe will also make their day better. And that's how our tradition was born.

My mother married John when I was 9 years old. I liked John from the very beginning. He treated me like his own daughter and I felt like he was more of a father to me than my biological one. Long story short my „real" dad cheated on my mom when I was little. She found out about it and confronted him and that's when he first hit her. He abused her since then and one day she found the strength to walk away and to inform the police about it. The last thing I know about him is that he went in jail for a long time.

„Yes, I just studied too much last night and I lost a track of time" I lied.

„Honey, you need some rest. You're pushing it too much. You don't need to be perfect or have the perfect grades" she said to me.

„I know. I'll take it easy from now on" I lied again.

I should really stop doing that. I should talk. I should tell them how I feel and how sad I am but I can't. It was only 7:30 in the morning and my day just started which only mean more lies to come.

I waited 10 more minutes just to say „Good morning" to my dad and then left for school. I walk everyday to school. I like waking because it clears my head and I feel a better after. The school wasn't far away from my home. Only 10 minutes walk which I enjoyd to the last second. I can't say I hate school but I don't like it either. But yet again it's the thing that keeps me distracted from my thoughts.

I walked into the huge building and went straight to my locker.

„Good morning" Lola cheerfully greeted

Lola was my best friend since middle school. She was fun to be around and always understanding.

„Good morning to you too" I answered not even looking at her

„Ow... you didn't sleep again." She said not bothered by my mood.

That was the great thing about Lola. Like I said she understood. She understood my moods and how irritated I was when I didn't get enough sleep. How moody and how much of a bitch I can be but she was still here. Of course she didn't know the reason of my insomnia because I never told her. She knew as much as my parents - studying.

„Yep" I answered

„You need a break or a boyfriend maybe. School is making you it's bitch." she said again not bothering with my mood.

I laughed at her response. A boyfriend ? Yeah, because that would make things so much better.

„Oh my God it laughs." She said with the same cheerful voice teasing me.

„Stop it." I said laughing again „I don't need a boyfriend. Just an 8 hours of good sleep and I will be back to normal" I continued

Was I ever going to be normal again? Do I even remember how „normal" felt like ? No, I don't. Because I haven't felt like that from ages.

„What about a party?" she asked

At first I thought Lola was joking but then I saw the look on her face. Well, she wasn't.

„Um...no?" I answered more like a question because she knew me.

„You need to do something with yourself except for studying and...Well, I don't know anything else you do because I am sure there's nothing." She said with a harsh tone

I knew she was right and she would always go mad with me for not wanting to do something. I knew Lola cared about me. She was dealing with my shit from so long.

„I am fine. I don't need a really loud music and crowded house full of drunk teenagers who think they came from the moon. Like for real. The last party I've been to there was this guy who thought he was an alien." I said the last part laughing.

„You need to loosen up a little. And you know it." Lola answered pointing her finger at me as if she was trying to prove her point.

We were already walking through the hallways and that was pretty much the end of our conversation. It always started with her telling me to go somewhere and ended up with me being to stubborn to do it.

„What about a sleepover ?" I asked looking at Lola

„That actually sounds fun,Emma!" she answered surprised and definitely happy with the idea.

As we were walking to our homeroom and talking about the sleepover I lost focus on the people walking towards us and soon I ended up bumping into someone. My books fell on the floor and all of my notes where there too scattered all over the place with people just passing them by. I looked at the body infrond of me and I gotta say that boy was high. My eyes finally met his blue ones full of something I couldn't quite understand. ..or see for that matter. He didn't look mad or sorry for bumping into me. Nothing. His eyes told me nothing.

„Watch where you are going." he said with a cold voice passing me by.

He didn't apologize and he definitely didn't gave me the chance to do it either. Not like I would've. I would probably get into a fight with him with my mood right now. On a normal circumstances I would've apologize but from what I saw that doesn't mean anything to him. Luke Hemmings doesn't appreciate anything. I never knew much about him simply because I was never interested. He moved here 4 years ago. I knew he was quite famous around our school. I once heard he was rich but then someone said he was living with a gang. The thought of that makes me laugh. That guy may be misterious and interesting but I was sure the truth was somewhere in the middle. He was human after all. A human I didn't like. He was rude to me. I don't know why though. Every time I see him in the hallway with his friends he looks happy and smiling. Maybe not that happy but still he's not a complete ashole to everyone so probably there was something wrong with me.

„Jerk." Lola said out loud making sure he hears her

She helped me pick up my stuff and pretty much that was how my „interesting" day started.

A/N - So this is my first fanfinction. English is not my first language and I'm sorry if there's any grammar mistakes. Thank you for reading and I really hope you like it. The first chapter is not something big but I promise it will get interesting. And I would also appreciate it if you text me or comment my grammar mistakes so I don't do it again. And if you didn't get the idea Luke is actually Ben, the tumblr boy. Emma of course still doesn't know that just like Luke doesn't know she's Allison. So the point is they get really closeee and then...well, you will see ^^