Obligatory Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this story. They all belong to BIOWARE, who I religiously buy games from. Nor do I plan to profit in any way from making this story public, aside from receiving reviews from my lovely readers.

A/N: Greetings! This is my first fanfic since 2005, and if feels strangely wonderful to be getting back into it.

While playing the Mass Effect games, I couldn't help but notice that, even though female Shepard goes through hell and back, we never really see her emotional side. We get snippets of it in Mass Effect 3, but not enough I thought. This fanfic stems from the idea that fem/Shep is a hard working Marine, but has the emotional weight of the whole galaxy on her shoulders. Being a woman myself, I understand the façade of staying strong for the people around you, but you can't keep it up for forever. So—I took my love of Traynor's character (and her romance story line) and used this plot line to flush out what I think is running through Fem/Shep's head through the ME3 (and how she comes close to losing her sanity), while also revealing what is running through Traynor's head that convinces her to pursue The Commander Shepard.

I will tell you all now, I'm really lousy at the whole military jargon, so, you've been warned. I don't think it'll affect the quality of the story, but if it does bother you, or you think I should implement a little more, please let me know in your comments. Also, if I have any blatant inconsistencies from the games, please please please point them out.

The rating is "M" for things that will happen later down the line. I expect the first handful of chapters to be more a "T" rating, but the "M" is a forewarning. Not to be confused with "MA" smuttiness, no. "M" as how describes it.

As always, I hope you enjoy and I cannot wait to hear all of your thoughts. Thanks!

PS: Thank you faRENheit2006 for pointing out that my POV switch indicators didn't transfer over when I updated. I've since updated this and the story should be much easier to follow now. Thanks!

updated 8/19/2013

Krogan Through a Stone Dam
fanfic by MistressNoriko

"Goddamit, it shouldn't have gone down like that!" Shepard yelled, trying to force her biotics to stay in check. A blue aura pulsated from a dim wisp to a now brightly glowing field around her. "Ashley's in that hospital because I was too damned slow!"

Liara clenched her jaw. She'd been trying to talk Shepard down since the cab ride back to docking bay D24, where the Normandy now sat idling before leaving the Citadel. The elevator ride up to Shepard's cabin had been the most tense, awkward, and uncomfortable span of silence that Liara had ever experienced with Shepard. She had made the mistake of asking 'what was wrong.' After ten or so minutes of heated talking, Liara abandoned trying to keep calm and not yell; it was hard to talk at a normal volume when Shepard started yelling as the conversation turned into an argument. Shepard was normally so calm and collected. The perfect gentlemen, as the human saying goes. But when she finally reached the end of her fuse, it was like watching a small nuclear implosion, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.

"Shepard, you're only one person. It is more so my fault than anyone else's that Ashley's in the hospital. She was trying to help me walk to the shuttle," Liara said sternly. The volume of her voice was louder than normal, but she wasn't screaming like Shepard was.

Shepard's biotic field kept fluctuating. "I should have been able to protect you! How am I supposed to protect the whole goddamn galaxy if I can't even keep my crew safe out of the gate!?"

Liara shook her head. "It was your first mission since being reinstated. You're allo—"

"And I fucked it up, Liara! Ashley could have died! She could have died because I am out of practice!" Shepard balled her fists, biotic energy swirling in her hands as she yelled.

"Shepard, calm down!" Liara demanded, moving forward to put a hand on Shepard's shoulder.

Shepard jerked away, releasing some of her biotic energy on Liara. Liara was jolted by the slight push from Shepard, and her barrier instinctively went up. When Shepard realized what happened, it was too late; Liara shook her head. "Don't, for the goddess' sake, take it out on me, Shepard. So you think you messed up. Fine. Learn from it. Don't wallow in it. It isn't becoming of you," and with that Liara turned on her heel and hit the elevator button with her fist, a small biotic discharge of her own as she hit the button harder than was necessary. It opened immediately and she stepped out of Shepard's line of sight.

As the elevator door shut, Shepard did what she could to try and calm down but even her counting method was failing her. You failed, was all she kept thinking. You failed big time. Ashley's lucky to still have a heartbeat. Vega too…that stunt he pulled with the Kodiak could have killed all of us. Shepard's fist balled up again, energy pulsating through her palms. And he wouldn't have had to do it had I caught up to that fucking Cerberus mech in time.

Before she really knew what she was doing, she punched the wall on the ship, outside of her quarters. All the biotic energy that had been ebbing under her skin was now focused in her right hand. And she punched… and punched… and punched…

Samantha rounded the corner just as the elevator doors opened. Perfect timing, she thought. She let out one last anxious breath. She had decided that it was time to officially introduce herself to her new Commanding Officer; she was the lead Comm. Specialist on the ship. She'd have to introduce herself sooner or later. Sooner is always better than later, especially when later has a two in three chance of not coming.

She adjusted her grip on her datapad and quickened her steps towards the elevator. The Asari Doctor (was she an actual doctor? Samantha thought) walked off of the elevator, looking rather cross. She noticed Samantha waiting to board. Samantha gave the Asari her best professional smile, "Everything alright, Doctor, er…" Samantha trailed off, unable to recall the Asari's name.

"T'Soni," the Asari said curtly. She looked at the datapad that Samantha was holding. "If you're headed up to see Commander Shepard, I'd wait for a better moment. She's rather… 'on edge' as they say." Her eyes were dark, not really focusing on anything.

Samantha swallowed hard and glanced at the elevator doors. "Thanks, Dr. T'Soni. But we're at war… will there really ever be a 'better moment?'"

The Asari blinked, looked Samantha in the eyes and nodded. "You have a point. But I did warn you," and she walked off towards the room on the port side of the mess hall.

And just like that, all of the anxiousness was back in Samantha's throat. Calm down, she chimed to herself, hitting the "1" button in the elevator. You're just meeting your commanding officer…not some Comm. Specialist eating Collector. Shivers ran up her spine at that thought. The effects of the attack on Horizon hadn't quite worn off yet. It had been about eight months since the infamous Commander Shepard had come and saved what was left of the colony.

She started to hear a pounding in her head. Since when does your heart beat reside between your ears, Traynor? She blinked, narrowing her eyes just slightly. The pounding wasn't coming from her…

The elevator stopped. Maybe some of the wires in the elevator shaft fell loose during the evac from Earth, she thought. The elevator doors slid open, but the pounding sound persisted.

Samantha let out another breath, trying to calm her nerves again. What is it about rank that makes you such a goddamn pussy? She shook her head, taking her first step out of the elevator, glancing up at the elevator's ceiling as the pounding still persisted. Shepard's literally just another woman, albeit a heavily medaled marine, but still a woman. Women… you can handle women, Traynor. She smirked to herself, thinking of several inappropriate boob related jokes. She finally looked down the hall with her second step out of the elevator, toward the Commanding Officer's cabin doors. She stopped dead when she saw the woman she knew to be Commander Shepard, dressed in loose fitting cargo pants and a tight N7 tank top, throwing biotic punches at the hallway wall.

Samantha was stunned for a moment, taking in the scene that she had walked into. Commander Shepard, a woman just barely taller than herself with red hair, was punching the hallway wall over and over again with her right hand flared blue, with what Samantha assumed was biotic energy. She'd never actually seen biotics used in person before. The Commander had her left hand at shoulder level on the wall, and her body was only a few inches away. Her punches came from her midriff area, but she still threw them with her entire body. She was grunting, saying incoherent things, none of which Samantha completely understood. Each word was accompanied by another hit to the wall.

The wall was dented. Bloody hell, that woman is a juggernaut, she thought to herself, her eyes still wide with a slight fear from seeing her Commander Officer denting the metal of the wall. With another hit, Samantha saw something red suddenly appear on the wall. Oh my god, is that… blood? She took a cautious step forward. "Commander Shepard?"

The Commander didn't seem to hear her. She hit the wall again, and Samantha saw more red appear on the wall. Samantha took a few quick steps to close the distant between them in the short hallway, "Commander Shepard, you're bleeding! Stop!"

But she didn't stop. The wall made an awful crunching sound with the next hit that the Commander placed, moving the metal inward about two inches. Samantha noticed all of the muscles in the Commander's arms tense; every single muscle was engaged in that last hit. Even her neck muscles were tense, and her jaw was clenched so tightly that Samantha was surprised that the Commander hadn't cracked a tooth.

Samantha watched a few more hits, feeling absolutely useless. But then her brain kicked in; her punches are roughly two seconds apart… so I have a two second window to not get hit in the stomach…but if she does make contact with me, she'll probably shatter my spine… Before Samantha really knew what she was doing, she charged forward, waiting for the Commander to punch one last time before she squeezed her arm in front of the Commander's arms and tried to pull her away, "Commander! Stop!"

The blue that was emitting from the Commander's hand now covered her whole body, but Samantha had moved her about a foot away from the wall, her hands firmly placed on either of her Commanding Officer's arms. She had a momentary panic about physically touching and re-positioning her Commanding Officer and how that was probably against regulations before she finally got the Commander to look her in the eyes.

The woman before her blinked, her bright green eyes hot with anger and some other emotion that Samantha couldn't quite place; it shadowed of guilt, but Samantha didn't know the Commander enough to read her emotions. The blue finally faded from around her and her expression softened, the anger seeping out of her eyes and turning into something that Samantha thought looked like worry.

The commander made a move to speak, but Samantha cut her off, thankful that she hadn't gotten to feel what a biotic throw felt like. She took the Commander's right hand in her left and began inspecting it. The knuckles were completely raw. Blood had already started to drip down the fingers. Above the metacarpals looked as if it was already starting to bruise. "Shit, you need medical attention," Samantha blurted out. "I'll page Dr. T'Soni. She's the doctor on the ship, ri—"

Her Commanding Officer shook her head, and gently pulled her hand back. "I'm fine, recruit."

Samantha ignored the fact that she had been called "recruit," and noticed that the look in Commander Shepard's eyes said that she wasn't fine. Talk about the weight of the world on your shoulders… Samantha thought. Who am I kidding… she has the weight of the entire galaxy riding her back like a vorcha hog-riding a varren.

"Let me at least run and grab you some medigel and an ice pack," she said. Before really finishing the sentence or waiting for her Commanding Officer to dismiss her, Samantha moved towards the elevator, hitting the door button. "I'll be two seconds. Don't move!" and she went through the elevator door, hitting the number three a little too hard with her thumb.

You were too slow to help Horizon. Hit. You were too slow to stop the collectors from abducting your own crew. Hit. You were too slow to catch that Cerberus mech. Hit. You almost let Ashley die. Hit. You sent Kaiden to his death. Slam.

The last hit engaged every ounce of muscle that Shepard had in her arm. She felt the wall give, and a wet sensation over her knuckles. But she hit the wall again. Remembering Kaiden's death now seemed out of place, but it stabbed in her stomach all the same. Kaiden had been a good marine, and had been a good friend. But she'd let him die, just like she let the rest of the Salarian squad die with him; like he wasn't ever a part of her team at all. She hit the wall again. She felt like she was about to start crying, her eyes burned hot. There's no crying in war. She hit the wall again.

"—ander! Stop!"

Shepard felt someone grab her arms and push back. She braced herself, flaring her biotics, ready to throw whoever it was. When she looked up, her eyes set into a woman she'd never seen before: She was just an inch or two shorter than herself, honeyed skin with raven black hair. Her brown eyes were large… larger than they should have been. They looked innocent, like the boy who disappeared back on Earth. . .

She dropped her field and relaxed the tension in her muscles. Who the hell let such an innocent recruit onto my ship? Does the alliance not understand that I need the best? The Normandy is not a ship for Alliance initiation… As she opened her mouth to ask who the woman was, she was interrupted by the recruit's hand gingerly taking her right hand and moving it up to examine it.

"Shit, you need medical attention," the recruit suddenly said. "I'll page Dr. T'Soni. She's the doctor on the ship, ri—"

"I'm fine, recruit," Shepard said, pulling her hand out of the recruit's grasp. If she thinks this is bad… she'll be vomiting after every mission. Shepard let her gaze un-focus, thinking about the horrors that have walked the very halls of the Normandy.

"Let me at least run and grab you some medigel and an ice pack," the recruit said. Before she'd even finished her sentence, she was sprinting towards the elevator doors. She hit the elevator button, said a hurried, "I'll be two seconds. Don't move!" and she disappeared into the elevator.

Shepard wished she could have simply locked the elevator door so no one would come back up, especially that recruit. She could ask EDI to do it, but she had a feeling the EDI wouldn't oblige, considering Shepard's state. EDI was probably responsible for sending up that recruit up in the first place. . .

Shepard flexed her right hand and let out a long exhale. Her knuckles began to sting, but she could tell that the cybernetics that Cerberus had installed were already in the process of healing her hand. A low, orange glow could be seen under the wet blood on her knuckles.

She ran her left hand through her hair, and shook her head. What the hell is the matter with you? She asked herself. She started instinctively walking into her cabin. The doors slid open, recognizing her ID. She hit a few buttons to keep the doors open, locking the door open for when the recruit came back. Ice did sound like a good idea.

She originally had wanted to go to the bathroom and wash off her hand, but found herself slowly walking to the low sofa along the starboard wall instead. She sat down on the edge of the seat and held her head in her hands. Why, after failing so many people, does the universe still believe that I am the answer to all of their problems? Shepard asked herself. I can't even protect my own team. My own home-world…

Shepard felt the heat return to her eyes. Before she could mentally prepare herself, tears started to roll down her cheeks. Fuck. You're weak, Shepard. She didn't move to wipe the tears away. Goddamned pathetic. You're one of the highest ranking military officer's in the galaxy, you're a fucking Spectre… and you're hiding in your cabin, crying.

Shepard exhaled slowly as she heard the whirl of the elevator doors open and close. The hurried footsteps of the recruit soon sounded in her cabin. "There you are," came after a brief pause in the footstep pattern. "Thought you'd run off for a minute."

Shepard didn't look up. She just stayed still, holding her head in her hands, desperately trying to hide the fact that she was crying. Luckily, so far it had just been the well of tears overflowing, no shoulder shaking sobs. She ran her left hand along her face, trying to wipe away what she could. If she was lucky, it'd just look like sweat.

She felt the seat cushion next to her deflate as the recruit sat down. "Let me see that hand," she said softly.

Shepard finally noticed that she had a British accent. She'd met some good soldier's in her time who hailed from England. All probably dead…the Reapers hit London first. She clenched her jaw, feeling the well of tears start to build in her eyes again. She let the recruit take her hand and she leaned forward, putting her left hand on her forehead while the elbow rested on her knee.

The recruit made quick work of Shepard's knuckles. She cleaned them with an antiseptic wipe and slathered a little too much medigel onto them. She began to wrap Shepard's hand when she spoke. "So, what'd the wall say to make you so upset," she laughed, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

Shepard should have laughed. She knew the poor recruit was probably terrified, walking in and seeing what she had seen. But she didn't move; not even a twitch towards the edges of her mouth. She was still pondering London. Even if the Alliance had heeded my warning six months ago…would it have made a difference? Or if the council had taken action almost three years ago when Saren, the heretic geth, and Sovereign attacked the Citadel? Would that have made any difference? The reapers are so advanced… how do you fight a fleet of technologically superior dreadnoughts?

While Shepard was lost in thought, the recruit finished wrapping her hand. Shepard felt that she was there as she was tentatively still holding onto Shepard's hand. The recruit seemed to be waiting for a response at her attempt to humor the situation, but Shepard couldn't find the words. They were all choked in the back of her throat, threatening to start pouring out of her eyes again. She started to take in deep breathes, attempting to quell her emotions. The recruit has already seen me beat the shit out of that wall… she doesn't need to see me fucking cry, too.

The recruit shifted, letting go of Shepard's hand briefly. A shiver went up her spine when she felt the recruit's hand come back to hers, this time equipped with an ice pack. The ice felt wonderful to her already swelling hand. But the thoughts still lingered in her mind… how can I possibly save Earth? What the hell would happen had I died on that Collector base? Shepard could feel the tears hot in her eyes again.

The recruit's free hand was tentatively placed on Shepard's back, between the shoulder blades. It was a caring gesture, followed by a sheepish, "Commander Shepard, are you alright?"

Shepard's shoulders finally started to shudder and the tears ran hot down her cheeks again. "No," was all she remembered saying before she pulled her hand away from the recruit's and covered her face with both hands.

There's no hope. How am I, a lowly human, supposed to solve this?! And her mind went-racing-letting all the doubts she'd felt in the last 72 sleepless hours take over every facet of her brain. She couldn't keep track of all of the questions, the hypothetical what ifs. The faces of all her friends that had died in the last few years assaulted her closed eyes and a steady stream of tears poured through. The two shuttles that were vaporized as the Normandy pulled way…The haunting eyes of that boy she couldn't save back on Earth…

The universe is doomed. Everyone is expecting me to pull some heroic feat out from the stars and save the day… but here I am—hiding in my cabin. Crying. Crying like a bullied child.

No matter how disgusted she was with herself, Shepard couldn't get herself to stop. Every effort she made only seemed to make her cry harder.

She felt arms close around her shoulders, pulling her into an embrace. Shepard, not completely knowing what was going on, wrapped her arms around the recruit's waist after a few moments, letting herself collapse into the recruit's neck. Wet cheeks made contact with the recruit's neck. The recruit's arms tightened around her shoulders, and Shepard heard her efforts at calming her down. But she couldn't stop the tears. It was like someone had thrown a squadron of krogan through a stone dam, and nothing could stop the relentless flow of water.

The smell of honey and loose leaf chai tea started to waft into Shepard's nostrils as the warmth of the recruit's body began to radiate into her. The smell was soothing. She didn't know how long she'd been here, crying into the recruit's neck. But the sudden smell made her sobbing lessen into quiet crying. The recruit had been rubbing Shepard's back, swaying her from side to side, still cooing sounds attempting to console her.

Slowly, the tears stopped; but Shepard's eyes didn't open. They were heavy. Impossibly heavy. She nestled her face into the recruit's neck, and tightened her grip around her waist. The smell of honey and tea grew stronger.

Shepard let the heaviness in her eyes take over, and everything was finally quiet.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed the first installment. I will be uploading once a week until school hits back in session and then I might drift off for a bit. But I am already well into writing Chapter Four. So stick with me! As always, please review. I'd love to hear anything you have to say about it.