by Angela Jade
Rated - PG
Email - angela@yavin4.free-online.co.uk - constructive criticism and happy thoughts greatly appreciated.
Website - www.geocities.com/angelajade/index.html
Setting - some months after "Planet of Twilight"
Disclaimer - it all belongs to Lucas. I am not making any money from this.
Thanks to my Betas - even tho' they are talented & busy people, they still find time to read my stuff and point out my mistakes. I'll always be grateful to them. :)
January 2002
"He's what?" Mara took her foot off the Fire's console and stared at the holocomm as if it had sprouted wings and was about to fly out the viewport.
"He's stopped teaching." Leia's voice sounded even more weighed down with responsibilities than usual and Mara felt an unexpected pang of anger at Luke for making his sister suffer. "He doesn't want to see me or Han, and barely acknowledges the children." A heavy sigh. "He's even asked NRS to come and take his X-wing away. Claims he doesn't need it any more."
Mara's eyebrows shot up in surprise; Skywalker without his X-wing was like Lando Calrissian without a flashy cape and a dazzling smile - totally inconceivable. "And where are all his friends? Wedge, Lando..."
"They're men, Mara. They think he should be left alone to meditate or come to terms or whatever." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "They won't admit it, but I think they're frightened of him. Of what he might do or become if they try to get involved."
A pensive silence. "Does he still have that astromech of his?" asked Mara, wondering exactly how much Luke had managed to purge from his life.
"Artoo? Yes. He's the only thing Luke will talk to. Mara, Streen's really worried about him..."
"Streen's always worried," interrupted Mara absent-mindedly, her brain already working through her schedule. "Is Luke still on Yavin Four?"
"Won't leave the praxium."
Mara winced at the despair in the Alderaanian's voice. "And all this because that woman left him, Whats-her-name...?"
"Callista."
"Yes, her." Mara couldn't quite bring herself to repeat the erstwhile Jedi's name.
"He claims her leaving him isn't affecting him in the slightest."
Mara sighed and rolled her eyes. "Yeah. Right." Tilting the navigational computer screen towards her, she tapped a few keys. "Okay, Leia. I'm on my way to Ithor anyway it won't be much of a diversion. I'll go see if I can knock some sense into that brother of yours."
"Could you? That would be great, Mara." Leia's sigh of relief hissed over the comm. "Only... go easy on him. He's had a tough time lately..."
"Leia, I'm his friend," replied Mara with a grin. "Of course I'll be gentle."
*****
The door to his rooms opened with a resounding bang, the old-fashioned hinged apparatus slamming into the wall and bouncing off again. "What in all the hells do you think you're playing at, Skywalker?"
Luke sighed softly and looked up from his cross-legged position on the floor. "I'm meditating. Or was." He stood up in one fluid movement, the hood of his Jedi robe still up and casting a shadow over his face. "And to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit, Captain Jade?"
Mara stood in the doorway, arms crossed as she gave him the stare she normally reserved for criminals and incompetent subordinates. "So formal, Master Skywalker?" She took a step into the room and pushed the door closed behind her with one booted foot. "Your sister said you were acting like an idiot. I thought I'd swing by and see if it was true."
He raised his chin but the concealing hood remained in place. "Leia said what?"
"Well, maybe those weren't her exact words." Slowly, Mara walked around him in a circle, finally coming to a halt directly in front of him. She tossed her hair irritably as she glared at his shadowed face. "You've changed."
"It happens. People change."
Mara snorted in derision. "Usually for the better."
"And what exactly do you mean by that?"
Was that a hint of anger? Inwardly Mara smiled; finally, a reaction. Her satisfaction vanished the instant he threw back his hood and she saw his face for the first time in many months. Pale, tired skin over hollow cheeks; he'd obviously lost weight. And his eyes ... the sparkle that she normally saw there was gone. Vanished. It was all she could do to keep her dismay from showing on her face. "You look like hell."
His eyes never flinched from hers. "I see. You've come to insult me."
"Why change the habit of a lifetime?"
He sighed, his eyes closing briefly. "Mara, just say what you've come here to say, and then go. I'm busy."
"What, no 'stay to train and become a Jedi' speech?! That must be a first."
"If I thought there was even the remotest possibility that you would, I'd say it," he snapped. "But you've made it perfectly clear that you're not interested, so why bother?"
Mara was silent for a long moment, refusing to flinch from his gaze. Finally she spoke. "Luke, have you talked to anyone?"
"Talked? About what?"
"Hmm, thought not." Grabbing his arm, she tugged him towards the door. "You're coming with me."
Luke snatched his arm back. "I'm not going anywhere with you!"
Mara slowly turned to face him, a sweet smile pulling up the corners of her mouth as she carefully blinked twice. "Please?"
"What are you up to, Mara Jade?" he asked, his eyes narrowing with suspicion.
"Nothing at all," she replied, her smile now revealing teeth. "There's something on my ship I want to show you, that's all."
"And you couldn't show it to me here?"
"No." Her teeth clenched through her grin. "I couldn't."
He shrugged and stepped towards the door. "Fine. Whatever. It's not like I'm busy, or anything..."
"Such enthusiasm!" murmured Mara, propelling him to the exit with a gentle push.
*****
"THIS is what you wanted to show me?" Luke's gaze flicked from a triumphant Mara back to the object he held in his hands - a bottle made of old-fashioned, dark brown glass. Turning it over, he peered at the symbols etched in its surface. "Tatooine Spirit. Pre-Empire vintage."
"Yup, and it's a pain in the rear to get hold of." Reaching back into the cockpit storage locker, she pulled out two small shot glasses and set them on the console. "It's Freedom Day on Tatooine." She squinted at the chrono above her. "Well, it will be in a few hours."
"And you're telling me this because...?"
Mara heaved an exaggerated sigh. "Your father and grandmother were slaves on Tatooine. I think it only right that you should celebrate Freedom Day with their spirits, like the good child of Tatooine you are."
"Someone's been doing their homework," muttered Luke.
She snatched the bottle from his hands and yanked out the stopper, smiling at the satisfying 'pop'. "Besides, we're friends, and drinking together is what friends do."
"Then bring me a glass of water."
"Don't be such a baby," she grumbled, carefully pouring out two generous measures of spirit and handing him one. "Anyway, it's not that strong."
Luke accepted the drink and eyed it dubiously as Mara drained her glass in one gulp. "Are you sure?" he asked.
"Positive. Now, drink."
Sipping cautiously at the clear liquid, he watched as Mara refilled her own glass. "Are you trying to get me intoxicated?"
"Of course not. Why would I do something like that?" She clinked her glass against his in salute and threw it back, before raising an eyebrow in a silent challenge.
His expression mirrored hers as he carefully drained his glass, the smooth liquor sliding softly down his throat. "Not bad," he croaked.
"That's the idea," replied Mara, tipping another shot into each glass. Turning her back on him, she raised her glass to the sky beyond the viewport in the traditional flyer's tribute. "To the free peoples of Tatooine."
"And to the freedom of beings everywhere."
They drank simultaneously, their eyes filled with the hazy light of Yavin's early dusk.
"Y'know," said Luke, "this stuff's actually quite good." Silently he hoped he could hold his liquor better than when he was in Rogue Squadron. Brief memories of Han and Wedge carrying him back to his room on Hoth, along with the reproachful lecture Leia gave him the following morning, flitted across his brain. But that was a long time ago...
*****
"Of course I'm not drunk! I'm just ... tired. Yes, tired." Luke smiled as he tried to focus on Mara. "Are you drunk?"
"A little." She fought back a grin as her eyes met his. "Why are you tired?"
"Not sleeping, I guess."
They sat side by side on the cockpit floor, their legs stretched out, the half-finished bottle of Tatooine Spirit between them. Yellow and green standby lights blinked a staccato rhythm all around them, and Mara suddenly realized it was dark outside.
Luke was examining his depleted glass. "S'empty."
"Why're you not sleeping?"
His gaze wobbled back to meet hers as his hand reached for the bottle. "Dunno. Thinking, I guess."
Snatching up the bottle, Mara tipped a measure into his glass, wincing when it splashed over the side and onto his robes. "Thinking 'bout what?"
The Jedi Master stared at the expanding dark spots where the liquid had landed on his clothes. "Lots of things. The Academy. My life." His voice hitched and threatened to break altogether. "Callista."
"Oh." Mara had no idea how she managed to keep her voice a monotone when her insides had clenched instantly at the name, squeezing the breath from her body.
"I love her, Mara." He sniffed.
"You... you do?" Why did hearing those words coming from him seem to hurt so much? She'd known how he'd felt, had seen how he'd acted around the woman - hell, they'd been living together for months - but it wasn't until she heard those three little words coming from his lips that she realized exactly how much he'd fallen for the former Jedi.
"Yes, I do. I love her."
"Loved. Past tense, Luke." Surely, after all she'd put him through...
Another sniff. "Nope. Still love her."
"But, she's gone..."
"I know that! Do you think I don't know that?!" The anger in his voice vanished as quickly as it had come. "Doesn't make me feel any better."
Mara stared mesmerized at the reflection of the cockpit lights in the clear alcohol in her glass, before throwing it back in one gulp. If only she could remember why Luke's relationship with Callista had always bugged her. Oh, yes... "She's not good enough for you, anyway."
"Whaddaya mean, 'not good enough'? She's a kriffin' Jedi!"
Yeah, thought Mara, like you need another the-Force-is-everything Jedi to keep you sane. "Was a Jedi. Not any more."
Sighing heavily, Luke glared at his friend and tried to put on his best teaching voice. He hiccuped. "Once a Jedi, always a Jedi."
"Not very Jedi-like, leaving you by letter."
"Sith! Does everyone know everything about my private life?!" exclaimed Luke, before draining his own glass. "Doesn't matter. S'not important. She's gone an' she's not coming back."
"Have you looked for her?"
He stared at her for a long moment, his eyes burning into hers. "Yes."
"Oh."
"Looked and looked and looked..."
"Oh."
"Searched the 'nets, asked Intel ... hell, I've logged up more hours in the X-wing than when I commanded the Rogues."
"And?"
"No sign of her, not since Nam Chorios. She doesn't want to be found. Not by me, at least." His gaze dropped to his glass once more. "What's wrong with me, Mara? Why does no one want to be around me?"
"'Course they do."
"Women don't. Run light-years to get away from me."
"M'here."
"Yeah, 'cos Leia told you to come," he grumbled.
"She ASKED me to come. Big diff'rence."
"Well, you're gonna go away again, aren't you?" He held his breath, his tongue clenched between his teeth in concentration as he attempted to refill his glass.
Mara glared at him. "I have a job to do. Can't just give it all up to come stay on Yavin."
"You could give it up tempra... temporor... for a while."
"Could you give this up, Skywalker?" Mara waved a casual hand around her; Luke ducked. "The Academy, your students, all that? Even for a few weeks?"
"No."
"Well, I can't give up my job, either. So quit nagging." Her expression softened at the hurt look on his face. "I'll stay 'till tomorrow. But I've got a drop to make at Ithor, and if I'm more than a day late Karrde'll have my head for a vornskr chew-toy."
"You have to stay 'till tomorrow anyway," said Luke with a giggle. "You're too drunk to fly."
"Why didn't you ask Leia to stay?"
"Huh?" Luke's mind spun with the effort of changing subject. "Leia's too busy to visit. And what could she do, anyway?"
"She could listen, like I am."
"She wouldn't just listen, she'd talk, too. Just like you are." He smiled smugly.
Mara raised one eyebrow and crossed her arms. "Fine. Talk. Tell me why you're so depressed."
Crossing his own arms, Luke met her stare, unable to say anything for a long moment. "I fell in love. I thought she loved me, too. She didn't. The end." His breath left him in a rush and his eyes dropped back down to the small glass he clutched in his hands.
"And she's the only person in the galaxy you care about?"
Her voice was a whisper but the words penetrated his heart like a vibroblade.
"No! Of course not - I care about a lot of people..."
"And you are hurting every single one of them with this self-pitying torment, Skywalker!"
"Are you saying I'm being selfish?"
Slipping her arm around him, she brought her forehead to rest on his shoulder in an attempt to stop the sudden dizziness that overcame her. "You're allowed to be selfish. You've been through a big emotional... umm... thing, and you've got to put yourself first so that you can heal." Her chin came to rest on his shoulder when she lifted her head. "But that doesn't mean you have to cut everyone else out of your life while you do it."
"Maybe I don't want anyone else to see me being... selfish," mumbled Luke.
"Why the hell not? You're not a droid - you're allowed to have feelings."
He turned his head to look at her, his face within whispering distance. "Am I?" Green and unwavering, her eyes drew his gaze. He didn't have to touch her mind to know she would always tell him the truth. Always. "Am I?"
"Of course you are. A little bit of self-pity isn't going to turn you to the dark side."
His face filled her vision, a face she'd seen so often yet still it seemed to portray something different every time they met. It was his eyes, she decided, as she struggled to keep him in focus. In those blue depths, she'd seen strength and loyalty and intelligence and optimism. Once or twice, she'd even seen anger. But all she could see now was vulnerability and hopelessness...
Her eyes drifted closed as he leaned in to kiss her, his lips gentle on hers as her heart attempted to pound its way out of her chest. Twisting toward her, he pulled her into his arms; the rough texture of his robes gave way to the softness of skin and hair as her hand strayed to his neck, drawing him closer. Her mind spiraled higher as a wave of desire threatened to engulf her completely, to irredeemably possess her body and her spirit.
"Oh, Force! Mara, I'm sorry," he mumbled, pulling away from her as if he'd been stung. "I didn't mean to... I hope you're not angry with me."
Her heart screamed 'No!' as her body craved his touch, but her mind knew the truth of the situation. Mara Jade could happily take advantage of most circumstances, but not this. She took a deep, steadying breath. "It's okay, Luke. I'm sorry, too."
"I think I've had too much alcohol," he said, toying with his empty glass and unable to meet her gaze. "We should stop drinking now."
Mara watched his expression as guilt now warred with despair, his lips red and trembling. Great; she'd made him feel worse, not better. Only one thing to do to salvage the situation. "Y'know, I think that would be a really bad idea." She picked up the bottle and resolutely filled both of their glasses to the brim.
*****
Pain. Pain and thirst. But not hunger; definitely not hunger. Mara opened her eyes and the world swam into focus. Panicky disorientation quickly gave way to recognition - she was in one of the Academy's guest rooms, her carryall on a chair by the door.
Her memory returned slowly as she rose, washed, and dressed. Luke Skywalker, as depressed as she'd ever seen him. Her decision to get him drunk, to try to make him talk to her. A bottle of Tatooine Spirit that seemed to empty faster than she'd planned. His lips on hers... She stopped suddenly, half-way through climbing into her flightsuit, her mouth a round 'O' of shock. No, it couldn't be, she thought. They'd kissed? Pain lanced through her head once more - she squeezed her eyes closed and clamped a hand over her face. Had to be a dream, she concluded. She peeped through her fingers. Didn't it?
The headache still hadn't gone by the time she found herself outside Luke's room, her pack slung high on one shoulder. The doubts hadn't gone, either. Mara remembered walking back to the Temple from her ship, remembered saying 'goodnight' to Luke - she just could not remember for sure if she'd kissed her friend or not. She knocked gently on the door, wincing as the sound echoed around the stone corridor.
After a long pause during which Mara considered just turning around and leaving, the door finally swung open. A disheveled Luke Skywalker hung on to the door frame as if his survival depended on it. "Oh, hi, Mara. Come on in," he croaked.
"I just came to say goodbye..." She looked him up and down, her nose wrinkling in distaste at his crumpled robes. "Did you sleep in your clothes? You look worse than I feel."
He waved her into the room and closed the door as gently as he could. "Mara, what in the name of the Force were you pouring down my neck last night? I feel like I've been trampled by a herd of banthas."
"It was Tatooine Spirit, and you were doing most of the pouring, Skywalker." She looked sidelong at him, trying to gauge his expression. "Are you feeling any less depressed?"
"Ask me after I've spent a couple of hours in a healing trance."
"I'll be gone by then," she replied. "I've got a run to make, remember?"
"Don't remember much, to be honest." He smiled hopefully. "I'm sure it'll all come back to me eventually."
Mara nodded. "Sure." She wondered briefly if he'd had the same kind of alcohol-induced dream that she'd experienced. Unlikely. He was still besotted with Whats-her-face - he probably only dreamed about kissing her.
She watched as he gingerly made his way over to a nearby chair and sat down heavily, cradling his head in one hand. The thought of kissing him was so bizarre - so why was she still thinking about it? "I'd better go, Luke."
He gazed up at her, a tentative smile creeping across his face. "Thanks for coming by, Mara." He flinched and covered his eyes with one hand. "I think."
"You're welcome," she replied. "I think."
"Come again, any time. Just don't bring any of that brain dissolver with you."
She patted his shoulder. "Take care of yourself, Skywalker."
He nodded, very slowly.
"And call your sister," she added. "Leia gives the rest of the galaxy a hard time when you shut her out."
Nodding again, he raised a shaky hand in farewell. "Bye, Mara."
"Bye."
The painkillers were in the medkit, and the medkit was in the cockpit of the Jade's Fire. Mara popped one of the tiny analgesics under her tongue, sighing with relief when it took effect. Finally the incessant pounding in her head stopped.
The engines warmed to a soft thrum as Mara checked the navigation computer, one hand dancing on the tiny keys with practiced ease. "Let's just hope the Ithorians have improved that sludge they call ale," she muttered to herself. Her eyes caught their reflection in the viewport, and she winced. "Actually, let's hope they've banned the stuff altogether."
Her hand gripped the stick lightly as the ship rose gracefully on its repulsors, the immaculate hull gleaming faintly in the morning light. "Bye, Yavin."
As the blue of Yavin Four's atmosphere gave way to the star-speckled blackness of space, Mara blew out a deep breath she hadn't been aware she'd been holding. Her headache had retreated, her memory had returned, and she was now certain that she and Luke had kissed the previous evening. It felt strange, surreal even, to think that she'd shared such a personal act with him - when had they gotten so close? Didn't matter. They'd been drunk, he'd been depressed... the list of excuses for their admittedly insignificant moment of intimacy ran as long as her arm.
She reached for the hyperspace levers, then paused, her hand hovering in mid-air. Slowly she reorientated the craft so she could have one last look at the blue-green moon before she left. One hand stole to her lips, touching them softly. "Bye, Luke," she whispered.
*****
He'd been staring at the flickering holo-image for a long time, ever since Mara had left his room. 'Callista' smiled back at him, her hair and dress blowing softly in a virtual breeze. Callista...
She was gone. It had taken him weeks to convince himself that she wouldn't be back, that she'd left him forever. That was when he'd resigned himself to a life alone - if someone who'd professed to love him so much could abandon him so easily, what chance did he stand with anyone else?
A soft sigh escaped his lips; at least he still had his friends. One person in particular had reminded him that life was worth living...
His eyes narrowed and he lifted his head, his gaze drawn to the sky outside his window. A smile tugged incessantly at his mouth and blue eyes finally twinkled. "Bye, Mara," he murmured. "And thanks."
Without looking back down, he switched off the holo.
~FIN~