There's a world

Looking for another place

Somewhere else to be

Looking for another chance

To ride into the sun

It isn't an one-night stand, not really, although it isn't much more either; they have sex exactly three times within the two weeks Ryan is in the USA before going back to England. Toni has been a good girl since the dying thing, and she hasn't been featured in half-naked/drunk in any gossip magazine for almost two years now. They meet on a science conference where both of them are to give a speech, so when they are done with talking and pretending they care what the audition thinks, Ryan asks her out for a few drinks, she accepts and they end up in bed, talking about quantum mechanics until the very moment they are both undressed.

Ryan tells her he has a fiancée, what only makes Toni smirk because no, she isn't interested in long term, she's never been and probably never will. By the time he is boarding his plane, four hours after crawling out of Toni's bed, she's crouched in a weird position under a suspended Iron Woman armor, fixing some wiring around the left elbow that hasn't been working well enough, music blasting in the workshop on a crazy level, like always.

The next few weeks pass like all other: work, work, work, drinks and two men she likes, suiting up and saving the world, which seems to be a once-a-month thing recently. She spends some time in the SI R&D department, overseeing the work of her favorite engineers, flies to Malibu to get some sun that is too scarce in NY in early spring. S.H.I.E.L.D. asks her to come up with new engines for quinjets and what is ridiculous since they are not her tech and she refuses to play by halves so she prepares a project of an entirely new jets that are going to be most awesome thing ever. Fury throws a tantrum about how expensive it will be, but she says it's that or nothing, so he gives in finally. Toni works hard on the project, by the time the prototype is built she's pretty exhausted, but it's perfect. She leaves making more of the jets to Fury's goons and stays for two days in the apartment, working on the newest armor, trying to get the grease out of her nails, drinking her best scotch and nursing a constant headache.

Then suddenly she notices it's the end of April when a hot week hits and when the Avengers are called to yet another dumb robot attack. Toni gets up from a sofa where she fell asleep sometime in the early morning, she's feeling queasy and nauseous what is an obvious consequence of eating a weird Chinese takeout the previous day, but there is no time for whining so she puts on the armor, flies to the 5th Ave Mansion where the other Avengers and some S.H.I.E.L.D has been staying – not that she needed the house, really, and she kind of hated it anyway – and then even follows most of Rogers' painfully good-natured commands, just because she's too tired to argue.

Everything goes smoothly right until the moment when Toni suddenly feels a sharp, strong pain in her stomach that makes her suck in a quick breath and miss the nearest bot, so it manages to throw her around a few times before she fires from the repulsor and brings it down, just in time to narrowly avoid another robot and for a minute or two she's very busy, ignoring orders and questions because she doesn't have fucking time to talk, come on; she ends it with a few blasts in a quick succession that free her from the swarming machines, a few minutes later it's all over anyway.

'Just how irresponsible can you be?!' Rogers shouts into her ear when they are starting the debrief, his voice is loud and creaky and seems to echo inside her brain, so she only snorts in response and shakes her head slightly, trying to push the ache away. 'What was that?'

'Oh, it's just the suit not responding for a fraction of second, those things happen when the robots have devices for disturbing electromagnetic waves, but hey, you wouldn't know since you fight with your perfect pretty body –'

'Shut up, Stark,' Rogers cuts in angrily. Toni smirks tiredly and moves to sit in her usual chair. (The robots had the devices indeed but Iron Woman was far above those toys; not that Toni was going to admit to Rogers of all people that she missed because she was in pain.) 'Just make sure it doesn't happen again.'

She doesn't dignify the comment with an answer. A moment later Fury comes in and the game begins anew; Toni is just a bit more angry and snarky than usually since she doesn't have the patience to deal with their attitudes.

In the end, the Avengers go back to the Mansion and Toni flies to the tower, takes a quick shower and goes to sleep even though it's only later afternoon.

When she wakes up it is sometime around 3 a.m. which means she was asleep for much longer than usually. The headache isn't really gone, and as soon as she sits up on the bed she feels the nausea again and takes a few swift paces to get to the bathroom before throwing up. Which is suspicious, because this time no, she hasn't eaten anything weird and she isn't even hung over.

After brushing her teeth and drinking a glass of cold milk, what surprisingly helps with the queasiness, she goes down to the workshop and does some light work for the rest of the day. Pepper comes in the evening but Toni's all covered in grease and sweat, so she only leaves some documents that need signing on the desk and reminds Toni about a board meeting next Tuesday where she really has to appear.

The next day is good, Toni takes the newest Mark IX out for a test flight and it runs beautifully. She plans to finish some details before celebrating with a few colorful drinks, but never manages to do that as she falls asleep by the workbench, only to wake up two hours later with hurting neck and a possible imprint of some wires on her face, and walks half-consciously to the bed to fall asleep again. When she wakes up, she runs to the bathroom again, and as she sits all sweaty and achy on the cold floor, she makes a mental note saying that something is seriously wrong here.

'Suggestions, J?' she asks wearily after she's showered and dressed.

'I can match your symptoms with common diagnosis, ma'am. Vomiting, nausea, abdominal pain, headache, fatigue –'

'Throw in some bloating there, J,' she murmurs, but the A.I. doesn't have to say anything because she fucking realizes what she's missed.

Toni's vision suddenly swims, and she's glad she's sitting down because fuck, she is supposed to be a genius, no? She is supposed to be clever and observant.

'I've been talking the pill, no?' she asks Jarvis in a low tone, because she's almost sure that she was and the A.I. is supposed to remind her when she forgets, so there is no way she could have missed some.

'You were. But the proved effectiveness is 98,3%.'

'Of-fucking-course,' Toni laughs humorlessly.

'May I suggest a blood test? That way you would be certain about the situation.'

'What would I do without you, J,' she sighs and drags herself down to the R&D floor that hold the medical unit and hides herself in one of the small labs. 'Ask Marian to come over. Now.'

A few moments later the doctor comes in and frowns at the sight of Toni seated on the armchair, with her sleeve rolled up and a paper from the gauze she used to clean her arm with antiseptic between teeth. Toni spats it out, watching for a second as it flied down to the floor, before looking back at the woman.

'I need a blood sample,' she states and the doctor huffs, but takes the syringe that lays on the desk and tears the packaging apart.

'I'm glad you didn't try to do it yourself, Miss Stark, see how you're behaving like a grown-up,' the woman comments when Toni stares at the needle blankly, hardly feeling it piercing her skin. There are no more questions because seriously, it's not a surprise to anyone who worked Toni for more than three days to be asked something unexpected and strange.

'Thanks,' she says as the woman leaves as soon as she's done with sticking the terrible medical tape to Toni's skin; then the doors close. Toni puts the blood into one of the machines and sits back on the armchair, feeling lightheaded. 'You know what to do, J.'

'Of course,' the A.I. replies solemnly.

It takes him full seventeen minutes to finish, which is improperly long in Toni's opinion.

'The test came out positive, ma'am,' Jarvis' voice says in the end and Toni freezes, even though she could be sure the answer would be exactly those words. 'Do you want me to schedule an appointment with a doctor?'

'Probably, yeah, soon, just not – not right now, J. Tomorrow. Tomorrow sounds good, I need to think…' she keeps talking as she takes the printout of the results and puts it, folded, into her pocket. 'Dispose of the blood, sterilize all the equipment. Standard procedures,' she adds, walking out of the room.

'Engaging,' Jarvis informs her from the nearest speaker.

Toni almost runs through the corridors, glad that there is no one around, and goes straight to the penthouse level. When she walks out of the elevator, she stops right there and slumps down the wall, hugging her knees to the chest.

She's never planned a child, she was never going to have a child and that much was obvious from her teenage years, it was too responsible and too time-consuming and everything, and she has no idea how to take care of any living thing but herself, and even that not so much, she was never even able to stay in a relationship for longer than a few months and this is a thing for years. Decades.

Fuck.

'Are you okay?' Jarvis asks and she can't help but give him a small smile at the nearest camera.

'Gonna be okay, J,' she replies, not sure if she'd telling this to the A.I. or to herself. 'It's – I'm gonna be okay.'

Only that Toni is not so sure: she is many things, but not stupid, and she realizes all too well, all at once, what this really means. All the years she spent drinking, all the drugs and the cigarettes she used to have around, the arc reactor and the palladium poisoning – she shouldn't even be physically able to bear a child, right? She's been taking the pill since she was fifteen, so it's been twenty years, and she used to have sex every fucking day, and it's now, now when she is thirty five Iron Woman – that's just crazy.

'J, what I am going to do now?' she whispers, and it's not right because she doesn't whisper, she doesn't do quiet and subdued and unsure.

'I'm afraid I have no answer for this query, ma'am,' Jarvis replies after a moment of hesitation. 'I believe the only thing I can advise you is try to eat something, stay hydrated and get some rest.'

'Of course, J, like we know it's gonna happen,' she shots back, but stays in place on the cold marble floor, what probably isn't the best idea, but she can't make herself move.

When she finally does get up, her legs are asleep and she trips three times before she gets to the kitchen. She drinks a glass of milk again, what soothes her stomach, and nibbles on a granola bar that feels like the only edible thing in the whole room. Then she goes to the workshop, ask Jarvis to play some loud and angry music and plays with Mark IX for six hour straight, when she almost passes out of the couch, feeling achy and exhausted.

The morning begins with the too-familiar routine and Toni can't help but wonder how could she be so blind not to notice.

'Find me a midwife, J. Full discretion. Have Happy drive her here – make it a woman, obviously, please – as soon as possible. We have all the equipment she might need?'

'Indeed we have. I took some liberties and looked it up yesterday, according to our usual guidelines, there are two persons you might want to consider.'

Sheryl Wilkers, a professional midwife, comes by the next afternoon. Toni spends all the time in between working, trying to swallow something other than cold milk or BLT's which turns out to be impossible, unless she counts mint candy. They talk, and Toni answers questions until her throat is sore from all that, and she hates sharing all the details of her life with a half-stranger. Or with anyone. Sheryl is very sweet though; she orders a set of blood tests that Jarvis runs immediately, and lots of other examinations take place in the meantime, more or less pleasant. It lasts for two hours before Toni is satisfied with all the information.

'We could do an ultrasound, if you have the equipment, Miss Stark,' the woman says finally, and Toni nods, leading her to the other room which, of course, could rival the best professional clinics.

Then Toni is not sure how and what happens, it's a combination of a strange tingling sensation and the woman's soothing words, until she hears this:

'We were mistaken, Miss Stark, about the conception date. It seems.'

Toni tries to remember when she had sex exactly, but it was at least one time each week, so it could have been anytime. And everything fitted when they talked –

'It appears that you are about seven weeks in.'

– but apparently not, since the first assumption wasn't right. Fuck, she's been having irregular cycles since Afghanistan and the poisoning, but this is off. Seven weeks, seven weeks is almost two months, well, not quite, a month and two thirds or something. That's – a lot.

'How could I miss the signs?' she asks aloud, although she didn't really mean to.

'Some women do not learn about the pregnancy until the second trimester ,' Sheryl supplies. 'Do you want to print the photo? You can't see so much, but –'

'No, no printing,' Toni cuts in. She is not really sure how she's speaking, keeping herself together still. 'Not now.'

Then there is the Talk part 2.0, apparently prompted by the seven magic weeks – since when is it the happy number – and it's all just health concerns. Yes, Toni is thirty five and never been pregnant, her body is fucked up and everything, thanks for stating the obvious, but she it's been more or less 24 hours since she's learned about it all and she still kind of things that tomorrow she's going to wake up and it was just a weird dream.

That is, right up until Sheryl asks:

'The question is, are you going to keep the baby?'

That kind of makes her feel too down-to-earth, because she has no idea.

'When do I have to –'

'The earlier the better, if you want an abortion. Just let me know, okay? Talk with the father, talk with family, friends, whoever you need, take your time. Sleep with it.'

'Sure,' she agrees and they say goodbye, but Toni doesn't walk the woman to the elevator since she's not sure she could keep steady if she stood up, her brain feels like cotton candy and she feels dizzy and shaky with everything.

She can't sleep, so instead she spends the night listening to blasting music again, throwing up and crying what she hates, because she hasn't cried since she was a teenager. Not really, not even at the funeral. It must be the hormones, she decides, even though it's lying to yourself, just a bit. She wishes she could just get beautifully drunk.

Around two a.m. she calls Rhodey, because he's in the Middle East and it's morning there. And she can't fall asleep, no matter how tired she feels, lying on her back on the thick woolen run and staring at the ceiling and city lights reflected in all the shiny polished surfaces, what is not a very good idea since the kaleidoscope effect is confusingly iridescent.

'Rhodey, honeybear, that's soo nice you picked up,' she purrs into the phone when he speaks up. She can hear him sighing over the tiniest cracking on the line.

'I'm not getting you out if jail, Toni, and I'm not interested if you get laid or made a world-changing discovery. I shouldn't even be talking with you, really.'

'That's 'o nice of you,' she murmurs, but she's quite sure there is something wrong with her voice when Rhodey asks:

'What happened?'

It must be fucking tears thick in her throat, or the raw pain from all the talking and crying and silent shouting she's done like a perfect fuck-up, in the dark room, with A.I. watching over as a babysitter.

'Did someone hurt you?' Rhodey, sweet Rhodey asks and she snorts, but it comes out rather like a pathetic whimper. 'Toni?'

'I'm pregnant,' she says quickly, almost stumbling over the words, but apparently they are clear enough since Rhodey gasps, grunts and takes a few deeper breathes.

'Did you say what you just said? Because I was expecting everything else, really, everything.'

'Rhodey,' she just says tiredly, and the tone of her voice is more than any words she could say.

'Are you sure – what will you do now? You seeing someone? Why is this all so sudden?'

'Not seeing, baby,' Toni replies instantly. 'It's – it's crazy, I learned yesterday and the midwife says I'm seven weeks in and I haven't fucking noticed anything, and now I just, I don't know. I – Rhodey, what am I going to do?'

Now it's panic definitely raising in her voice. That is bad.

But Rhodey's voice is calming as he starts talking after a moment of silence filled with wind howling coming from the man's side; Toni drinks his words easily and takes nice even steady breaths between and it's almost like she knows what she is doing. He says he can't help her with making the decision – of course she doesn't have to articulate anything, they have known each other for ever twenty years – but she need to take all factors into consideration, what is Rhodey-speak for 'do what you think is right, but if you die in the meantime I will kill you, you moron.' What is what he tells her a lot, and she gets it, she really does – but for the first time ever it bothers her, just a bit, that he is a man. That seems like a different world, now.

Toni ends the call sooner than she'd like, not to make Rhodey lose his job over her lousy messy self. Then she tries to sleep, what she actually manages to do around four, only to be woken by Pepper calling her again and again.

'You need to be in the meeting in three hours. It is ten now. Wear some proper clothes, bring the folder with projects and be on time, please. I can't bear dealing with those old men cursing you again.'

'Will be there, Pep,' she assures the CEO and hangs up.

Toni gets there in time and even remembers the documents, what leaves Pepper startles, since it never happens and she has her copy of the folder anyway. When they are done, she takes Pep for late lunch to café when she gets them both giant pull apart cinnamon muffins, because cinnamons seems to have nausea-easing properties as well. Pepper tells her to stop being silly and to say what she wants/needs to say, so she does.

Pepper asks her if she has a death wish, what is very much not what Toni expected to hear.

'Don't get me wrong, Toni, but it's – look at it practically, you've got shrapnel near your heart and how do you know something won't happen, I don't know, during the delivery? I just got you back from Afghanistan, from the crazy hole to the other world, and then you get to fight all the aliens and villains and estranged machines of the earth. I – I don't want anything to happen to you. Think about it.'

Toni nods stiffly and waits for Pep to say something like, but I will be with you whatever you decide to do. Pepper never does, and Toni is… disappointed, for the lack of better word. What basically means no one expects her to keep the baby, what makes her feel like saying fuck you to the whole world.

She says a quick goodbye and runs away to hide in the workshop.

'Why am I thinking about it, when I could never be a good mother? Well, me as a mother could never work, and it even sounds weird when I say it,' she mutters to herself as Jarvis plays some music, only in the background though. 'I'd just fuck it up. I have no idea of how to be a parent.'

'I must disagree, ma'am,' Jarvis cuts in and Toni's head goes up so sharply that an acute pain flows through her neck. 'You've been nothing else than a parent for me and all the other bots, all of us being your creators, and there hasn't been a single moment when any of us felt neglected. You've always catered for all of our needs, even the silliest ones.'

Butterfingers chirps energetically from the corner, raising his camera a bit shyly. Toni blows him a kiss and smiles quickly, what feels strange on her half-numb face.

'You shouldn't think so bad of yourself,' Jarvis adds softly. Toni can swear there are tears making her eyes wet and shiny, but she blinks them away. She's not sure if the aversion to her keeping the child means the same as wanting to keep it.

It takes her three days to decide it does, apparently, and Toni finds herself completely at loss of words about her own decision. But it's obvious and definite because suddenly, she knows she wants the baby. She's not sure she knows what and how to do everything, she's not sure she knows what she's signing up for, but – she's keeping it.

Sheryl wants to do more tests, to determine the health threats to her and the baby, to which Toni agreed wholeheartedly. Rhodey says she's crazy, but he laughs warmly and she wished she could hug him, but he'll be in Middle East for three more months, coming back when she'll be big and with backache, what is a completely terrifying vision. Pepper is very business-like, giving her uncertain smiles and talking about a person who'd substitute her in supervising R&D for time needed, legal issues, risk factors and all.

Toni listens and returns the smiles, but truth to be told she is scared out of her mind.

It's fascinating and frightening to see how her body is changing, now that she knows what to look for; it's slow but impossible to miss at this point. Besides all the 'side effects', Toni notices she must have put on two or three pounds, seemingly all in her breasts, so she makes a mental not to get some new bras soon; trousers feel just a bit tighter around the belly, too.

It's freaking Toni out, but she listens to Jarvis professional information and tries to distract herself from everything by work. She makes some arrows for Barton and comes up with a completely new fabric for the armor undersuit, one that would make her much less prone to getting physically hurt since she is not going to stop being superhero for as long as possible. Which probably means for as long as she'll fit into Mark IX.

The public is going to be crazy, she realizes.

'You don't have to inform anyone of the pregnancy for as long as you want, ma'am,' Jarvis remind her when she verbalizes her worries. 'With your thin and athletic figure people are not likely to notice until you'll be around twenty weeks.'

'Not sure if it's good or bad news,' Toni comments drily. 'But I'm not going public until then.'

'That's probably a wise decision. For once,' Jarvis replies making her snort. Jarvis is the best.

A/N: Please let me know if you like this. Because honestly, it was difficult and a pain to write and I'm not sure about it and I'm not sure I should keep writing, I'd love to know what you all think.

The prompt goes like this: A few months after the movie events Toni gets pregnant with an OC. Everyone expects her to get an abortion (health issues, family issues, judging by her crazy past..?) but she decides to keep the child and no one really supports her in the decision, for whatever reasons. A few weeks later she has a miscarriage, but again, people are too busy with themselves to be with her. Cue breaking down and putting herself together alone, and being a BAMF in the meantime.