The Captain's Loft

SSV Normandy

After the Sanity Check date on the Citadel

"Tell me." Kaidan murmurs the request into her hair, strokes it across her skin with gentle, calloused hands. She closes her eyes, breathing in the scent that is uniquely his, his warmth, the startling muscularity of the body pressed up against her back, even stronger than she remembered him being, and it's the knowledge that he is finally there, really, finally there... that makes the words come.

"It's... pain. Endless amounts of pain. Some small, some not, but it's always there. It... defines you, I guess. And so you try to close it out, try to sleep, try to dive back into that blankness where you've been as long as you can remember. But they always bring you back, always wake you and drag you up into that pain again. You can't fight it, you can't fight them. You can't even move a fucking finger. You're a ghost, a prisoner in your own damn body. And you know to the marrow of your bones that there's danger. You can hear it in the voices, but you don't have a gun and you don't have armor, and you're alone. So you keep your eyes closed and play possum and try like hell to think of a way out. But no ideas ever come, and you can't move anyway, and you stay alone."

She rolls over in his arms. She needs to see his eyes; even in the darkened room, the unrelieved agony there almost makes her wish she hadn't. But Shepard and pain are old friends, and she refuses to give up the connection she has with him right now just because it hurts. She's waited too long. But it's still surprisingly hard to tell him the rest. She has to stroke the carved line of his jaw, the arch of his cheekbone, to convince herself that he is real. That they are real. "The voices are the worst." Dammit, she can barely speak above a whisper. Commander Fucking Shepard is falling apart over talking about something that happened months ago. Her fingers curl briefly against Kaidan's face as she fights to strengthen her voice. "You can hear them. You know they're people, but you can't see them. Hell, you can't even understand them. They're hovering over you, buzzing in and out like flies, and none of them is friendly, or comforting, or personal. None of them..."

"What?" He stroked her cheek with his fingertips.

"None of them is ever the one you're waiting to hear."

"Shepard." He tucks her head into the curve of his shoulder and buries his face in her hair, and when she feels the tear sliding down her temple, she's not sure if it's hers or his.

It's a long while before either one of them can talk again. Shepard isn't sure she really wants to. She doesn't want to lose this peace they've found. But she knows very well that peace always needs to be fought for, and they've gone too long with too many things left unsaid between them. "Kaidan..."

"Shh." He whispers it, that husky whiskey voice even lower, and still raw-sounding. He smooths the pad of his thumb across her lips. "You don't have to say anything else."

She slides her hands up the slick, sculpted muscles of his shoulder, up over his neck, past his implant port and into his hair, just like she used to. His hair curls thick and black and silky against her fingers, and it feels so familiar, so blessedly normal, that she wants to cry again. "What if I want to?"

"What is there left to say? It is... it is what it is. What matters is this. What we have here and now." He kisses her, deeply, with such aching tenderness that her heart hurts. "I love you, Shepard. Always have. Always will. And I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry." He whispers the words over and over, against her mouth, the curve of her cheek, the elegant line of her throat, across the lean strength of her shoulders, the graceful curve of her breast.

Her breath hitches when his tongue swirls hotly around one aching nipple. "For what?"

"For leaving you behind." He moves over her, muscle and shadow and heat and man, olive skin gleaming and golden even in the flickering starlight. "Never again. I promise you... I will never leave you behind again."

She's crying again, silently, but it is crying, and maybe the Savior of the Citadel doesn't cry, but Shepard doesn't give a fat damn, because this is Kaidan, and he will never think she's weak. And apparently, that's not even on his radar, because his mouth slides over hers, full and hard and hungry, as if they hadn't just come explosively not an hour before.

She parts her legs, needing him closer, just needing him, and the sensation of him sliding against her makes them both gasp and break the kiss. His hips move convulsively, grinding into her, sliding against that wet knot of nerves again and again in a movement that makes her groan out loud. His mouth is burning where it touches her skin, his hands are calloused and frantic and everywhere on her flesh, touches that are just this side of bruising, but Shepard is long past caring. Kaidan is heavy and warm and real on top of her, they are together, and that is all she cares about.

"Tell me," he demands, poised and waiting right at her entrance. She can feel the blunt head of his erection pressing against her, but it's pressure only. He's teasing her, teasing him.

"I love you."

"Again." He kisses her, and there's a wildness to the way he claims her mouth that tells her he's right on the edge. "Tell me again, Shepard."

"I love you," she chokes, trying to pull him to her, into her, with hands and arms and arching hips.

"It's not enough."

Her eyes pop open, and his are so black, so wild, that she shudders. "Kaidan?"

"I want you to scream it," he growls, and he's gone, sliding down her body.

The first touch of his tongue between her wildly spread legs sends a jolt through her. She can feel his five o clock shadow gently abrading her inner thighs, his hot breath blowing across her just before he puts his mouth on her again and sucks, tongue swirling just there and oh...

Shepard does scream, and she is dimly aware that Kaidan is groaning against her. Then his hands slide underneath her, raising her hips, and that change of angle makes her see stars, makes her come apart again. This is not like their previous times. This is not the Kaidan she knows.

"Again," he growls, his voice raw, fingers sliding into her, moving and curling to find that one special spot deep inside, and pressing when they do, lips and teeth and tongue working in concert until she shatters yet again.

"Kaidan! I can't... I can't..." This is amazing, but it isn't what she wants. She wants him, all of him, until they're so deep in each other that they don't know where either of them begins or ends.

"Yes. Again." It's a dark whisper against the skin of her stomach. He licks the spot on her hip where a scar used to be. He remembers patching it up for her. Cerberus has taken their shared history from them, created a rift where there never should have been any. "Come for me again, Shepard. Until you can't remember the pain. Until I can't remember what it's like to be without you. Until we forget Horizon." Tongue replaces fingers inside her, slick and talented and hungry for her, and his moan is just as ravenous, vibrating against swollen feminine flesh that's drenched with wanting him. Biotic static is sheeting across his skin in a blue ripple, fizzing against hers, wrapping them both in a corona of energy, and Shepard dies for the second time, her hands clutching his hair, her body a long, tense arch of straining muscle. "Kaidan!"

He doesn't even wait for the orgasm to fade; he surges up her body and joins them in one desperate thrust. He buries his hands in her unbound hair, spreading dark and tangled across the pillow, and makes her look at him. "I will follow you into hell again, Rose Shepard," he grits out, "straight through until we come out the other side. Whatever it takes. But make no mistake. I will follow you." He's moving, lean hips curling in long, luscious strokes, the powerful muscles of his back and shoulders coiling and releasing, his skin sheening with sweat and biotic static. Kaidan kisses her, and she can taste desperation and herself on his tongue. "And if you fall again, I will either be in front of you, or beside you. I can't lose you again."

She's panting and clutching him to her, moving with him, nearly weeping with need and emotions too strong to be labelled. But she has to try, because he needs to hear it. In the end, it's the only thing she can give him. "I love you, Kaidan. Until the world ends."

Kaidan goes rigid, head thrown back, his aura exploding around them as he comes hard, as deep inside her as he can go. Shuddering, panting, he rolls his hips against her until she follows him on a long, drawn-out moan. His aura fades into a faint haze, then whispers off into the darkness. Breathing hard, Kaidan somehow manages to keep himself propped on his elbows so that he doesn't crush her with his weight, but they stay connected in a tangle of limbs for a long, long time, her stroking his hair, him nuzzling her throat.

Eventually, he rolls to his back, but even then, refuses to be separated from her. His arms lock around her as she sprawls across his chest, a loose-limbed tangle of soft, sweat-slicked skin and unbound black hair. Rose raises her head to look at him, but whatever she's going to say dies on her lips when she sees the look in his eyes. "I love you, Rose Shepard." His husky voice is nearly gone, it's so deep. "And I swear to you, you will never be alone again."

"Neither will you." An idea explodes into her head like a concussion grenade, insane and terrible in its simplicity. It's completely crazy, probably against every Alliance rule, and risky as hell, and she doesn't care. She does not care. Because it's right. She suddenly shifts upward enough to catch Kaidan's mouth in a kiss fierce enough to surprise them both. He's still inside her; Shepard can feel him stirring to life within her, thickening and growing and filling all the parts of her that were so empty for so long.

She clamps down on him with dangerously skillful muscle control, stroking him without hands, and he groans, going rigid beneath her. "Rose..." He grips her hips as she sits up, locking her in place and refusing to let her move, but she has other methods at her disposal, other ways to drive him crazy, and she uses them ruthlessly. "You're going to kill me." He groans again. "What are you doing?"

"Proposing." She's panting too, the act of lovemaking without movement is surprisingly strenuous and shockingly arousing. She shoves her sweat-soaked hair out of her face. "Marry me, Kaidan."

Kaidan has long since been able to control his expressions, but his biotics are, on occasion, another story, and right now he's master of neither. His whiskey-brown eyes go wide with shock, and then sheen with the telltale blue discharge. Shepard watches as his jaw clenches; his aura seeps through his skin and expands, glowing brighter than she's ever seen it, flowing down their bodies, tingling along her skin like a thousand hands. He swells inside her, impossibly harder, unbelievably hotter. One large hand catches both of hers where she's braced herself on his chest, and he flips their positions in a fast, powerful surge, pinning her hands above her head. Stretched beneath him, Rose laughs breathlessly; the knowledge that she's made him lose control so completely is intoxicating. Then she can't laugh at all as his free hand moves low, presses and rolls just the right place between their bodies, and his fingers ignite with biotic static. "Oh... Kaidan!"

She wants to hold him, wants to clutch him to her; this feeling, this pleasure is too much, too big, too transcendant. She needs him to anchor her, but that's just not possible with her hands pinned. Her fingers clutch on empty air as she comes in a nova of sensation, feeling like every molecule is exploding separately, like she will never be put back together the same way again, not after this. Kaidan is jackhammering into her now, lips drawn back from his teeth in a snarl, blue light seeping from beneath his closed eyelids. Shepard is still in the middle of her own maelstrom when she feels the entire galaxy stop, hanging over transcendance by a thread.

Kaidan is trembling with restraint, and his dark eyes, when they shoot open, are limned with blue eternity and focused on her face. Rose feels the heavy shudders start to take him, feels that last powerful surge of his hips against hers as he drops his mouth over hers, and growls, "Yes", just as the orgasm boils away any hope he has of coherent thought, much less speech.