Casey McDonald calmly placed the last article of clothing in her duffel bag before zipping it up. She took a deep breath and stepped back to look at the small bedroom she shared with her boyfriend. Every item she had that she wished to take was already waiting in her car. She only took what she needed, leaving behind things she didn't want to take from him. She would never realize that they would all become reminders of her. The bedding set her dad and stepmom bought for their 'house-warming' party, the picture strip from the festival 3 months ago, a flattened tube of toothpaste.
She knew she needed to hurry; Derek would be home any minute. But she just wanted to savor in every last memory of their small apartment, their first apartment. The large white walls, the beautiful view of downtown Ontario with it's bright lights and tall skyscrapers. Her eyes began to water when she thought about her plan. Could she really go through with this?
Derek had been signed to the Chicago Blackhawks. Not the team he wanted to play with, but the idea of playing pro was his biggest dream and she wasn't going to let him miss it.
If I should stay
I would only be in your way
Casey had just gotten an actual paying job with a local successful law firm. She couldn't go with him, at least not now. Derek swore up and down that they would make it work. Skype, phone calls, texting, and he'd be home every chance he could. Casey initially agreed. But after his first name, when Derek caught a red eye back to Canada and barely made it home awake, let alone alive, Casey knew it couldn't continue.
So I'll go but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way
She had made the decision by herself, without talking to Derek. She knew it was childish and wrong, but she also knew he would try to stop her. He had already promised to marry her if it meant keeping them together, but getting married to save a relationship wasn't what Casey had wanted. She had called her mom, asking if she could inhabit her old bedroom for a few weeks while she found a smaller and cheaper apartment. Nora and George tried their hardest to get Casey to change her mind. Hell, even Lizzie tried to talk some sense into her realistic sister. But she made them promise they wouldn't tell Derek, and they reluctantly agreed.
Bittersweet memories –
That is all I'm taking with me.
Casey sat down on the bed, taking another deep breath, keeping the upcoming panic attack at bay. She looked at the picture in the frame on Derek's nightstand. It was taken the night of their graduation. Derek was smiling at the camera, while Casey had her eyes fixated on the man with one arm around her. Derek always said it was his favorite picture, because it showed that she really saw him – the real Derek Venturi. She found the frame at a department store. It was silver, with the words 'forever and always' etched in with black font.
It was this night, they finally had told their parents they were in love. Nora smiled wide through misty eyes, and George leaned back with a grin, saying the words 'about damn time.' That was big, for the simple fact that George didn't cuss, not even 'hell.' They went to dinner to celebrate graduation and a newfound love. They laughed with their family, Derek's hand finding her thigh under the table, and Casey's foot occasionally rubbing up and down his leg.
It was then that Casey started to tear up, realizing there would be no more of those memories. No more dinners around the table with the 8 of them; Casey, Derek, Nora, George, Lizzie, Edwin, Marti, and Simon. Christmas holidays would be pain filled, and birthdays would be awkward. Casey thoughts were interrupted by the front door opening and Derek Venturi's voice filling their one bedroom apartment.
"Case! I'm home!" he yelled out. She could hear the 'thud' of his bag hitting the floor, his skates weighing it down. He'd look around the living room, glance in the kitchen, then make his way down the hall. He'd start walking down the hall, looking to see if the bathroom was occupied, before finishing to the bedroom. Casey knew his routine of looking for her. Like most things, she knew him better than he knew himself. She only had this small amount of time to wipe her face clean with her shirt.
So good-bye.
Please don't cry:
We both know I'm not what you, you need
"Case?" Derek walked in with a smile on his face, but it fell in an instant once he saw Casey's blotchy and red face. "Baby, what's wrong? What happened?" He walked to the bed, kneeling in front of her with his hands on her legs. When she refused to look up, to look at him, he began to look around their bedroom for hints.
"Where's all your stuff?" Derek asked, looking at her dresser that was cleaned off. All of Casey's perfumes, lotions, makeup, and jewelry were gone. "What is that?" he had noticed her duffel bag next to her. He starred at her, trying to duck down underneath her to see her blue eyes. "Casey, what is going on?"
It was Casey's turn to speak. She sniffled, more tears flowing down her pink cheeks. She sucked up all the courage she had left and looked up at him. Her heart was broken by the confusion in his big, brown, beautiful eyes.
"I'm going to stay a few weeks with mom and George, and then I'm going to look for an apartment on my own," she managed to stuff out, her voice shaking with every word.
"You're leaving me?" Derek asked, his words coming out in a whisper of heartbreak. Casey couldn't speak, she couldn't even see out of her watery eyes. She squinted them tight, not wanting to see his face as she nodded. Derek breathed out, shaking his head as he looked at her. "Why? I don't understand, Casey. Everything's going great, what's wrong? Is it because I'm not here? I thought it was working out, Casey, I-" his voice trailed off as he fell back on the floor of their now previously shared bedroom.
"Derek, you and I both know you don't need to be coming back to Canada every other night," Casey gasped out, in between the now sobs she made. She opened her eyes to look at him, but his hurt and shock was producing tears in his brown eyes. His eyes were fixated on the ground in between them, his mouth gaped open. "Please don't cry, Derek…"
"Please don't leave, Casey," Derek looked up at her. He stared at her, his eyes piercing her heart and soul. Casey only looked down at her hands.
"You come home every time, only to pass out as soon as you set foot in our apartment. I'm amazed you've managed not to fall asleep at the wheel," she spoke down at her hands.
"I'll get a taxi, I'll force myself awake, I'll skip games, I'll marry you," Derek jumped up, crawling to her on his knees. He took her shaking hands in his, looking up at her sobbing face. "Casey, I'll fucking quit if it means getting to keep you in my life," he whimpered out, his voice cracking at the word 'you.' Casey only shook her head.
"No Derek, I would never ask you to do that," she looked at him, tears now pouring. "You have never asked me to give up my dream job, and I would never ask you to give up yours! You have to focus on your career and your life, not be distracted by me and having to run back to your girlfriend."
"Do you not realize that you are my life?!" He asked her, the desperation dripping from his voice. "My whole world begins and ends with you. I love you, Casey," Derek cried to his girlfriend. "Come on baby, let's unpack this bag, let's unload your car," he swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to make his voice as steady as he could, and reached for the duffel bag next to her.
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this I wish you love
"Derek, I'm leaving," she turned to grab his hand to stop him from unzipping her bag. She had said it. And it finally registered in Derek's brain. He felt her soft skin touch his for the last time, and tears began to fall from his own brown eyes. He slowly pulled his hand away, away from her. He fell back on the floor, sitting in disbelief. This was the last thing he expected for coming home.
They sat in silence for about 20 seconds, but it seemed like 20 years. Derek couldn't ask her to stay again. Just like she knew him, he knew her. And he knew that once her mind was made up, there was no stopping her.
"I know you're going to be great," Casey muttered shakily, looking at him. It was her turn to talk to a face that wouldn't look at her. "I pray with my whole heart that all of your dreams come true. That you make it to the Leafs, back to Canada. That you're happy and successful and-"
"Casey, don't even. Don't you sit there and tell me you want me to be happy," Derek interrupted her, his wet face making eye contact with her, "when you know damn well you're taking away my whole reason for happiness."
With that, Casey nodded, and looked down at her hands. She sobbed quietly as she sat there, grabbing her shirt to wipe her face clean. Derek wondered how long she'd sit there. Not that he wanted her to go, by any means. Did she want him to do something? God, he'd do anything. Like the mind reader she is, Casey must have known what he was thinking. She slowly stood up from their bed, grabbing the duffel bag and throwing it over her shoulder.
And I... will always love you
I will always love you
Casey took a shaky breath and walked towards the door, stopping in the frame. She turned to look back at Derek, who just stared at the floor. She wanted desperately to run to him. Pick him up, beg for forgiveness, and cry into his arms. But Casey knew what she needed to do. And no matter how it hurt, it was for the best.
"Derek…" she whimpered out his name. She didn't think he'd look up at her, but after a few seconds, he turned his head and looked at her. His mouth set in a straight line. "I will always love you."
Derek nodded his head, turning back to look at the ground as he brought his knees to him, arms resting on top. Casey felt a new wave of tears coming, so she quickly turned and walked down the hallway. She didn't even stop to look at the pictures hung on the wall.
When Derek heard the front door open and close, he felt his guard and solitude crumble. He buried his head into his body, breathing heavily, and crying. He had sacrificed one dream of his for another. But one thing was solid for him, he would never love anything – not a food dish, a rock band, a sport, not even another woman – as much as he loved Casey McDonald.
Darling, I love you.