Author's Note:

Before you decide to read ahead at the stories I have posted, a warning: I am a very self-indulgent, self-insert author. In fact, 99.9% of my fics include my self-insert and I'm proud of it. So, if you feel like you can endure it, please proceed!

But please remember: this and every other story that I have written was produced out of pure boredom/fun/crack or just because I felt like it. Therefore, it is NOT perfect. I am not a professional. I cannot guarantee that the grammar is spot on or that you'll enjoy it. But if you decide to stick around for the ride? I appreciate it. But I am, (repeat I am) an amateur writer.

I do hope however; I can entertain you for a couple of hours and maybe get a laugh or two outta ya? I really appreciate all the support you all have given me over the years and I'll continue to try and update when I can.

So, thanks! Thanks a bundle!

AND

I do not own any part of Metalocalypse. Just the characters, Heather and Rye Matthews.

Much Love.

"I'll be your girl, backstage at your show, velvet ropes and guitars. Yeah, 'cause you're my rock star in between the sets, eyeliner and cigarettes."- Paparazzi, Lady Gaga.

Potential Disaster Warning

An intern, Johnathan Twinkletits had taken in an intern. In what world does a therapist have a say in who works in Mordhaus? An intern? Someone fresh out of school, ready to take their first year of practicing under the careful watch of a superior, they would work with the number one band of all time? Ugh, did he have a choice? With Twinkletits' ever growing popularity in the therapy field, it didn't seem like a bad idea to take in an intern for free. That was something that Charles couldn't refuse, the chance to save a few hundred dollars by taking in an intern.

Besides, with the way things always worked out, she'd fear for her life and flee in no time… if she didn't die in some strange accident first. Dethklok ran through more employees than any other company in the world. If it weren't the Klokateers then it was someone else. Hell, there had been a few electricians that had bitten the dust during their time at Mordhaus.

In any event it didn't matter. He would have the intern sign the standard waiver then they would be set. If she lasted a day, week or month, in the end it always came down to the fact that Dethklok was safe. That was his livelihood and there was no way he'd let misfortune come their way.

Hm, meeting this intern did make his usual day of paperwork a bit different in any event. At least he'd have a moment to be social and explain things to a new gear. No doubt she'd get a glimpse at the usual day at Mordhaus and tuck her tail between her legs and run. As long as nothing changed, things were going to be fine. It would take more than the 'threat' of an interning therapist to scare him off.

He stayed in his office, seated and prepared for anything that came his way. The stack of waiver papers rested to his left, just waiting for a signature. Of course he had readied himself hours before he had to; it was always a plus for him to be punctual. A cup of steaming coffee sat to his right, cooling as he bought time until his guest was to arrive. As soon as that intern was out of his hair, he could relax enough to take a long awaited sip.

The once still room came to life as a soft knock on the door caused Charles to lift his head from his work. He was quick to drop his pen on the desk and clear his throat. He picked up himself from his seat, adjusting his suit and tie along the way before speaking out.

"Come in."

As expected, a small creak escaped from the door hinges and a hooded gear poked his head into the room. "Sir, the intern has arrived."

With a single nod of his head, Charles replied. "Very good, let her in."

The gear bowed his head and retreated back into the hallway. The CFO took a short moment to relax his shoulders and mentally prepare himself for the questions that would no doubt come his way. And then, he'd have his own set of questions to send in her direction. Perhaps he'd throw a few morbid 'tidbits' her way as well? It couldn't hurt, if it scared her off that would be just fine. Just because Twinkletits needed his own assistant didn't mean the whole band had to endure some fangirl's fantasy.

Because what human female didn't have her own selected crush from Dethklok?

He had done his homework; he knew every documented incident this girl had on record. He knew her first name, last name, middle name, birthplace, age, and preferences. Hell, he had her school transcripts. He knew what her academic weaknesses were; he knew more about her than perhaps her family knew.

Her name was Heather Matthews; she was twenty-four and fresh out of college. She needed two years of internship under a professional before she could apply for the state exam for her license to become a therapist. She grew up in a lower class home with her mother, father and two sisters. Nothing terribly interesting or threatening, she had acquired the occasional parking ticket but no brush-ups with the law.

So all in all, she shouldn't be hard to scare off.

He again directed his attention to the large office door as it widened. Three figures stepped into the large morbid office, his eyes drawn to the lone female in the middle. She stood, dwarfed by the two gears that stood beside her, and entered with a look of fear on her face. So she was all ready scared? Hm, that made his job easier.

They approached and his eyes focused and adjusted to scan her body. She had dressed rather casually, black baggy pants along with a graphic t-shirt and hoodie. Most noticeable were the bright pink converse shoes on her feet. In her arms she held a manila folder, no doubt containing her school papers and resumes. Not that it mattered; he had that information all ready sitting on his desk.

His eyes bounced back upward and he began to examine her facial features. Nothing special there, dark brown hair cut in a shaggy pixie cut and brown eyes. She wore no make up, much to his surprise, and appeared to look more like an early college student rather than a twenty four year old.

"Heather Matthews?" He spoke first, addressing her with a mild tone and basic look.

The girl standing between the two huge men ducked her head between her shoulders while her eyes darted back and forth. She bit down on her lower lip before finally setting her focus on him. She tilted her nose downward before giving him a shallow nod.

"Yes sir."

Following her eye movements, Charles turned his attention toward the two Klokateers that stood at her side. The man on his left held a bright red and black shoulder bag, decorated with various Hello Kitty characters. So she had brought her things with her? There was no way she would have expected to be searched head to toe when she first arrived via bus. It was safe for the manager to assume that the gears had checked her and found nothing of threat on her person.

Hell knows she would have been blown to bits on the spot if they had found something.

"Before we can start our tour of Mordhaus or anything else, I have to ask you to sign a few things." Charles bounced from her down to the thick stack of parchment. "I believe you understand the drill, Mr. Twinkletits must have explained it to you."

"Yes, sir." She said, eyes continuing to dart back and forth between him and the large gears.

So the large, muscular Klokateers intimidated her? He couldn't relate, after all he spent most of his time with them, he had far grown used to their presence. Ah well, if the gears were going to set her off, then it was only a matter of hours before she withdrew from her internship. Compared to Nathan, the men that stood beside her were nothing.

He cleared his throat after a moment of waiting. "You can approach the desk." His voice caught her attention and she snapped her chin upward to glance at him.

"O-oh yes, of course." She took a single step forward.

The manager moved away from her and again looked to his employees. "You may take Ms. Matthews' things for now. I'll show her to her office in the meantime."

"Yes sir." The man on the left nodded with little hesitation.

Mid step, Heather's eyebrows arched and her jaw dropped. She gazed at her new boss with a look of a worried child. She clenched her papers to her chest and began to sweat. "Mr. Offdensen, my wallet as well as personal items are in there…do they have to-"

He lifted his right hand. "Try not to worry; your things will be well taken care of."

Biting down on her lower lip, she glanced over her shoulder only to watch the larger men turn on their heels and exit the large office area. Almost as if she were cringing, she turned her chin forward, once again allowing both man and woman to lock gazes.

So she was possessive of her things? She must have packed important things along with her on her trip to Mordhaus. But it did manage to pass through security so there was little doubt in his mind that it was anything of real significance. Then again there were a few things he needed from her purse; as usual his every action was made with precise thought and planning.

He needed to verify her social security number. There was nothing wrong with double or even triple checking all of his sources. If this woman was who she said she was, then there wouldn't be a problem, right? And if she wasn't? Then she would be dealt with like any other person who came in under the wrong impression.

In any event it was part of the job. Why mess with the success he'd all ready achieved? It was a simple enough task, have the main computer system check her over one more time. Hell, if she had a cellular phone in her bag, there could be some useful information on there as well.

"Mr. Offdensen?"

He shook of his mental ramblings to see the young woman now standing before his desk. She had moved her folder down to the table and looked at him with a wide set of eyes.

"The waivers?" She spoke again, her voice stronger than moments before when the Klokateers were in the room.

"Ah, yes." He tore his eyes off the stranger and bent down, picking up the papers from his tidy desk. Charles wasted no time and presented the waivers in front of the intern and stood back up straight, waiting for the female to sign away.

Her large brown eyes darted down to the papers, paused, and then she looked back up at him. Her brows then furrowed at the top of her forehead and her lips parted in the slightest manner. What was she waiting for? They had things to do, it wasn't like she would be starstruck in front of the manager of Dethklok, would she?

Before he could gather himself to ask, Heather lifted her right hand to chest-level and opened her palm flat before him. "I need a pen."

"Ah, my apologies." Shaking off his previous thoughts, he nabbed one of his fine pens from his holder and placed the object in the girl's pale hand.

"Thank you."

She got to work immediately, flipping the pen open and bending down to the waivers. It didn't appear that she actually read any of the long words and paragraphs on the papers and instead her eyes scanned the parchment for the desired highlighted 'x'. Her gel-stiff hair refused to move as she bent her torso, reaching the hard surface of the desk. She inched closer after she finished with the first, then second paper, her hands dancing over the lines. No doubt she was skimming the entire legal document; his inner lawyer flinched and cringed, so much for all the hard work he spent on working on it.

Then her 'perfume' entered the air. The light scent of Old Spice flowed into his senses and caused him to lift a single brow. He was sure it was Old Spice; it was one of their 'fruiter' fragrances but it held the same deep woody musk. This was a first, since when did women wear men's cologne?

An echoing 'click' sent shivers up Offdensen's spine. He focused his attention to see the younger female had placed the pen down on the desk. She then reached down with both hands and lifted the stack of papers from the table and proceeded to extend her arms to him. A slight smile ran over her lips as she handed the waivers to him.

"Finished."

"Yes I can, ah, see that." Without wasting a moment, he took the waivers from his new intern. He managed to run his thumb through the papers, flipping page after page to make sure the proper initials had been placed correctly.

After insuring himself, he dropped the documents on his desk and stepped out from behind the table. He approached the female with his usual blank stare and extended his arm toward the exiting door. She was quick to lift a brow in confusion almost as if he had asked her some kind of trick question.

"Before I give you a tour of Mordhaus and introduce you to the band, I would like to show you to Mr. Twinkletits' office." He said in a basic tone. "I think it would be best if you found yourself familiar with the each band member's past and recorded mental documentation."

"Oh…" Her eyes darted to the right. "Okay."

Ah, was that disappointment he heard lingering in her voice? So she thought she was going to meet with the band right away, did she? Things were far from being that simple. If there was a chance that he could scare her away with something as easy as health/mental records then he was going to do that first. Getting a young, female intern out of his hair was something he would jump at.

But if she stayed…

If she stayed long enough to meet the band, he could predict what was going to happen next. Surely she'd become someone's plaything and eventually become so used that she'd have to leave. No doubt after that, Dethklok's name would be all over the media; stories of sexual harassment and lawsuits up his ass. If scaring this girl off early in the beginning saved him the time and money from fending off a lawsuit then he was going to take that chance.

In a heartbeat.

Allowing his arm to once again rest at his side, he took a few steps forward, placing himself about two feet in front of the girl. Not much to do now but show the intern her superior's office then direct her to the plethora of secret background records. Just skimming over Murderface's documents would be enough to send chills down anyone's spine, so how would she deal with it? Ah well, he'd find out soon enough.

There were other matters that he would have to bring up with her as they traveled down the lengthy hall, seeing as she flew through the waiver as if it was a children's book. There was nothing wrong with adding a bit of truth and reality to what she obviously took for granted. Even if this was business, she was still just an intern; she had a chance to back out if needed.

The sound of an extra set of footsteps echoing in his ear verified she was accompanying him. "Ms. Matthews, I wanted you to know a few things before we can begin our business relationship." He said, without so much of a look over his shoulder. "I want you to listen and remember what I'm about to tell you."

"Yes sir?"

"Seeing that you, ah, glanced over my legal waivers, I wanted to remind you how dangerous this job could be. Dethklok has had many Klokateers who have willingly given up their, ah, lives in service to the band." He continued to speak as the couple approached the exiting door. "You do understand that just walking into Mordhaus threatens your life?"

"Yes sir."

That was a given. "Very well. I also want to repeat and stretch that ninety percent of the workers here have died in a gruesome, messy and very painful death. And because of that, I am giving you a thirty day trial period."

"Sir?"

The couple came upon the large office door and just before he laid his hands down on the golden knob, he turned his head to the right. His chin just barely grazing his shoulder, his eyes landed on the young female behind him. He narrowed his stare and clenched his jaw, only to be met with the same look of innocence and confusion.

"This trial period is for your own benefit and safety, if you feel in anyway, fearful or threatened do not hesitate to inform me right away. During these thirty days if you find yourself regretting your choice in interning here, I will release you with no questions asked. Do you, ah, understand?"

Her eyes dilated. "Y-yes."

He exhaled. "At the end of the trial if you are satisfied and committed to working with Mr. Twinkletits, then I will take the next necessary steps in your employment for the following eleven months."

"Next steps?" Her brows arched to the top of her forehead.

"Yes," Charles tightened his grip on the steel door handle. "From there, we will, ah, erase your identity and give you a new social security number as well as a bank account."

"If you are going to erase my identity, how will this internship be recognized on my record?" A look of anxiety washed over her features.

He felt a smile tug at the ends of his lips but he resisted the urge to smirk. So this girl was that dedicated to her future career? Hm, it was a show of work ethic that he hadn't seen in any person other than a Klokateer. Even Dick had his moments were he enjoyed the lash luxuries of his title as producer. If he was going to be granted with someone who was willing to work with the band to the fullest it would be a blessing but then again there was the great risk of her female urges getting the better of her. Not to mention the fear he had tried to install in her brain.

"If Mr. Twinkletits finds you a suitable employee, we can possibly issue you for a second year of internship. Then we can give you the proper documentation to apply for your state exam." He turned his chin forward once more and proceeded to twist the doorknob. "But we can discuss that at a later date. Right now I, ah, need to show you to your 'new' office."

She uttered no verbal response. He was left to assume that she nodded in agreement but hearing no objection to his statement, he continued to push open his office door. It might be a huge risk letting in a female to work amongst five older men but there were a number of factors leaning in his favor. She was working for him for free, she appeared apprehensive all ready and she was young.

Even if she were receiving payment from Twinkletits' agency, it wouldn't cost him a penny and if she all ready appeared to be nervous, then it shouldn't take much to scare her off for good. The fact that she was young could be used, as a 'plan B' if scaring her off didn't work. It meant that she was ignorant and if she was ignorant then perhaps he could somehow convince her to find work elsewhere.

But then again, who would give up the chance to work alongside the number one band in the entire world?

Act End.