AN: I'm so sorry it's been so long! Exam week really kicked my butt, but I'm home on Christmas break now. I have no idea how much writing time that will give me or not give me, but I should able to finish DBIMM this week, and well as start working on my next two one shots, one whumpy, one fluffy. Which one would you guys like first?
This is an introspective tag ficlet thing to 3x10, Matty + Ethan + Fidelity. The title is a Latin word meaning "an ardent desire or longing, especially a feeling of loss, or a feeling of grief for something lost". I hope you guys enjoy, and please leave a review!
To say that the day had royally sucked was the understatement of the century. Things hadn't been great from the start of the mission, but from the moment Mac went up with Bozer's drone, it all went from bad to worse. He could barely contain his fear as he clung for dear life to the drone, hoping that Bozer wouldn't bring it so high. He would've squeezed his eyes shut if he could, but he had to be able to safely land, and he couldn't do that with his eyes closed. It took all he had not to panic. He could face it himself, he didn't need Jack to help him, and besides, it shouldn't have even been a big deal. Mac hated talking about his fear of heights. It was stupid, and definitely not a manly fear - not to say that he was the epitome of manliness anyway, but still. He felt ashamed for having that fear. Maybe part of it all was because of his father's insistence that he be perfect, or at least how he perceived his father to want him, but that was neither here nor there. The bottom line was that heights sucked and Mac was unable to hide how scared they made him. All he could do was breathe through it and hope for the best.
And then there was the whole prison thing. Mac hated prison, truly, truly hated it. The idea of going back, even undercover as a guard and not an inmate, and not even for a week like last time, still terrified him. Even if Mac did believe in luck, that still wouldn't explain how he survived Bishop mostly unscathed. The simple fact that he made it through a week there unassaulted was all the proof Mac needed that maybe the Big Man really was looking out for him. He knew the statistics inside and out. He even knew the stats for Bishop specifically. Mac knew exactly what happened to guys like him in prison, and it was nothing short of a miracle that it didn't. He checked off nearly all the boxes for most victims, and there had been a few close calls, but he made it.
That wouldn't happen again, especially in a prison in Romania. Mac couldn't stop the terror that ran through his bones when he got made. If he couldn't get away, the fate awaiting him in that prison would be worse than anything Bishop would've offered. But he did get away. He made it out, and he was okay. He wasn't going to be stuck in a Romanian prison and anything that could've happened in Bishop wasn't going to happen here. He was okay. That's all Mac tried to focus on once he was safe, all that could slow down his heartbeat and calm him. Normally, he would just go to Jack and just by simply being with the man, he would feel better. But he couldn't do that. Matty needed them all focused, and if Jack noticed that something was wrong, he certainly wouldn't be focused on saving Ethan. The man tended to get tunnel vision when it came to Mac, and Mac couldn't do that to him right now.
But it was all fine and they saved Ethan and saved countless other innocent lives, but tore Matty's down in the process. If anyone knew even remotely what that was like, it was Mac. Searching so long for something, hoping against all odds to get it back in your life and maybe it could be the way it was before, but all those hopes coming crashing down when reality hits along with the realization that nothing will ever be the same again, and it was all false hope in the first place, was the hardest pill to swallow. But Mac knew what it was like. And now, sadly, so did Matty.
So if Mac's day had sucked, it stood to reason that Matty's was considerably worse. But for Mac, the worst part of it all was that he knew there was nothing he could do to help. Nothing would take away that pain and sting of betrayal but time, and that passed too slowly to provide any solace any time soon - or maybe ever, but he kept hoping that maybe one day it would, and he wouldn't hurt so much all the time. Mac wanted nothing more than to hug Matty and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but he couldn't, because it wasn't. It wasn't okay and it never would be okay again. At least that's what she undoubtedly felt like, and nothing would contest that. But maybe, just maybe, he didn't need to do any of that.
Mac didn't have a mother. He hadn't had one for quite some time now. But he always imagined that if she were still alive, he would always be there for her, since she would undoubtedly always be there for him. That's the kind of woman she was. It was only natural for him to return the favor.
Matty didn't have a son. She'd never had one, as far as Mac knew. She didn't seem to have many close friends either, although that was likely due to her job, and once again, Mac could relate. But that meant that Matty didn't have someone who was obligated to always be there for her.
Mac didn't have a mother, and Matty didn't have a son, but maybe - Mac thought as he walked towards the woman who sat alone in the War Room, having sent Jack away - just maybe, today, they did.