The disclaimer telling you all that I don't own any Archer or Kingsmen characters is missing. When I saw the mashup online I just had this crazy idea. Don't bother pointing out any continuity or anything. I'm just throwing a few characters into the crazy. Alternate reality and all that.
Anyway, I came up with the incident known as…
The Kingsmen Kerfuffle
"Oh stop throwing such a hissy fit you bitch!" Mallory shouted into the phone at her desk. "I was only asking! It can't hurt to ask…Oh nice!"
"Who do you think she's talking to now?" Lana remarked as she stood outside the door with the other members of the Figgis Agency.
"Well she just called the other person a bitch," Krieger said. "That could be anybody."
"Listen to me," Mallory snarled into the phone. "I am Mallory Archer! I don't need to explain myself to you, you self-important nobody!"
"Again," Krieger shrugged. "Anybody."
"How dare you talk like that to me?" Mallory shouted. "After all I've done for…Listen missy! I don't need your help that badly! Understand?"
"Okay that narrows it down," Ray remarked. "It's either some society queen bee or another agency head honcho."
"Why are you laughing?" Mallory shouted. "I was one of the greatest spymasters before…STOP LAUGHING AT ME!"
"Agency head honcho," Ray deduced.
"Yup," Lana nodded.
"If it was a society matron she'd have just called her a fat whore," Cheryl agreed.
"Well fine!" Mallory snapped. "I was only asking! Last, I checked that was allowed in the Free World! Oh fine! You know what? I wouldn't accept a mission from you if you dropped to your knees to offer me a blowjob and a million dollars in cash! In that order! FINE! Who needs you? You…fat whore!" She slammed the phone down.
"Turns out she still can," Lana remarked.
"The fat whore thing is universal," Ray admitted.
"Okay what was that all about?" Cyril asked as they entered the office. "What crazy scheme were you trying to hatch this time?"
"Well there's no harm in telling you now," Mallory admitted with a groan. "I was trying to get us some work overseas in Great Britain. The details aren't important. What is that a certain other spy organization put the kibosh on that plan!"
"We're talking about the Kingsmen aren't we?" Lana groaned.
"Shouldn't they technically be called the Queensmen?" Cheryl quipped.
"Fill in your own Gillette joke folks," Mallory grumbled. "This one is way too easy for me."
"You know…?" Ray glared.
"The what?" Cyril blinked. "Wait are you talking about that secret spy agency in Great Britain? Why do they hate us?"
"You're kidding, right?" Ray looked at him. "How could you forget what happened?"
"What happened?" Cyril asked. "What? I don't remember meeting up with the Kingsmen."
"I do," Cheryl said. "They were pretty good singers."
"She's not talking about the guys who sang Louie Louie!" Krieger snapped. "We're talking about the spy agency in Great Britain."
"Yeah, I know," Cheryl said.
"Will somebody please tell me what happened?" Cyril asked.
"How do you not remember what happened?" Mallory snapped.
"Because obviously I wasn't there!" Cyril snapped. "When whatever happened, happened!"
"Oh, that's right," Pam realized. "You were in the funny farm when that happened. You know? After your mental breakdown with Lana breaking up with you. And then screwing every guy she could on your desk. Well pretending to screw every guy on your desk. So, you could have a nervous breakdown. Which you did."
"Yes Pam…" Cyril gritted his teeth. "I remember…"
"And me," Pam grinned. "Who she actually screwed."
"Only by pretending you were Alex Karras," Lana groaned.
"You were still pretty good to go," Pam grinned.
"Not that this detour into lesbian sex hasn't been fascinating," Cyril groaned. "Can you just tell me what happened with the Kingsmen? And I'm not referring to the singing group!"
"Again, neither was I," Cheryl grumbled.
"We kind of got into a bit of a turf war with them," Ray admitted.
"Spoiler alert," Lana groaned. "It was all Archer's fault."
"Shocking I know," Ray said dryly.
"What did he do?" Cyril groaned.
"I sent him on a very simple mission to London to secure some microfilm," Mallory sighed. "But of course, the idiot took that to mean 'run around with some British whores and get some new suits'. Before procuring his whores, he decided to get a new suit. To impress the whores for some reason. Then he happened to wander into a certain tailor shop."
"Which was actually a front for the Kingsmen's headquarters," Lana added.
"And Sterling being Sterling," Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "He discovered a cache of weapons, ammo, alcohol and a new suit that he stole. Well he would have stolen them if he didn't waste time playing fashion model."
"He got caught, didn't he?" Cyril asked.
"Like a drunken senator in a mob owned brothel," Mallory groaned. "And if that wasn't bad enough Sterling insulted the agency and made a mess before passing out during a drinking contest."
"Let me guess," Cyril sighed. "One of the agents challenged him to a drinking contest and slipped a mickey into Archer's drink and Archer lost. Am I right?"
"Technically that was the plan," Mallory sighed. "But Sterling decided to drink the entire canter first."
"So Archer won the contest?" Cyril asked. "I ask knowing that Archer could easily win any drinking contest."
"Not if the canter was filled with rare Glengoolie Amber Dark Bull Scotch," Mallory groaned. "Which was taken off the market five decades ago for being too strong and powerful. A single glass of that stuff without ice can make a gorilla pass out."
"That's why it's always served with ice," Cheryl added. "And a lot of it. What? Grandfather Tunt had tons of it in his secret wine cellar slash sex dungeon. It also may have contributed to his dementia."
"Archer lost a drinking contest?" Cyril started to laugh. "Seriously?"
"Yeah," Lana snorted. "And then the guy who challenged him drew a huge dick on his forehead. Then stripped him to his underwear and got him thrown in secret spy jail."
"Which I had to get him out of," Mallory groaned.
"That part was funny," Ray snickered.
"Unfortunately, that wasn't enough for the Kingsmen," Mallory sighed. "A few of their agents decided that our agency needed to be taught a lesson."
"A very humiliating lesson," Lana groaned.
"What happened?" Cyril asked.
"Well obviously we didn't know about what Sterling had done," Mallory sighed. "We were taken by surprise. It was about twenty-four hours after Sterling's little faux pas. I was trying to find out why Sterling missed yet another drop."
FLASHBACK!
It was back in the old days at a certain spy agency. Mallory was sitting at her old desk making a phone call. "Sterling pick up," She gritted her teeth. "You'd better be dead in the gutter after missing that drop! Not in the gutter with one of your whores!"
Finally it sounded like someone picked up the phone. "Hello?" Archer's voice was groggy and confused.
"Sterling…?" Mallory asked. "Sterling is that you…?"
"Mother…?" Archer was confused. "Is that you? Wait. What day is it? Oh no…"
"Oh yes!" Mallory snapped. "Sterling…"
"Damn it!" Archer snapped. "I got captured again!"
"Sterling…" Mallory gasped.
"Great! Just great!" Archer snapped. "Trapped in a cell with a damn hangover and not a Bloody Mary in sight!"
"Sterling, where are you?" Mallory shouted.
"I'm in some kind of cell…" Archer groaned. "And…Who the…? NO! NO! NO! GET AWAY!"
"Sterling?" Mallory was getting worried.
"NO! NOT THAT!" Archer screamed. "Anything but that! HELP! NOOOOO!"
LLAMA! LLAMA! LLAMA! LLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMA!
"What the…?" Mallory winced at the sound of some loud music playing. Mostly the singing of the word 'llama' over and over.
LLAMA! LLAMA! LLAMA!
"IT'S THE INVASION OF THE LLAMAS!" Archer screamed.
"LLAMA!"
"Leave it stupid!" Archer laughed.
"AAGGGH!" Mallory slammed her phone down repeatedly until it broke. "DAMN HIM TO HELL!"
"I hope he's dead," Mallory grumbled as she took a drink. "And I mean it this time."
She looked at several papers. "As if I didn't have enough to worry about…God this budget is worse than I thought. Sterling charged how much? For…PING PONG PADDLES? And lemur chow? Why the hell would he…? No! Never mind! I don't want to know!"
"Damn it!" Mallory groaned. "Now I have to bring Cyril back from the nuthouse! I can't get anyone else to fix this budget!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"You were going to leave me in a mental institution?" Cyril shouted.
"Like it would have been the first time she did that," Ray groaned.
"Shut up!" Mallory glared at Ray. "And no, Cyril. That wasn't the plan."
FLASHBACK!
"So much for my plan to never see that cheating little weasel again," Mallory grumbled. "On the other hand, his coming back will tick off Sterling so…Yeah. This is a win-win for me."
BEEP!
"Hey," Cheryl called out on the intercom. "Some guys are here to fix some stuff. Where do you want them?"
"Is it the painters?" Mallory asked.
"I don't know," Cheryl blinked. "They have brushes and paint jumpers so…"
"Just send them down to Krieger's lab, Carol," Mallory groaned. "I can't believe I let him talk me into giving his lab a paint job. On the other hand, there are a lot of bloodstains. Still…More money out of my pocket."
Meanwhile in Krieger's lab…
"I can't believe that Ms. Archer let me have another intern so quick," Krieger grinned. "And she was complaining that it took so much money out of her pocket. What did you say her name was again?"
A bald man who looked a lot like the actor Mark Strong in a lab coat coughed. "Merlin…Uh…Mark Merlin." He spoke in an impeccable Midwestern American accent.
"Cool. Okay Merlin," Krieger said. "You can start by checking out that computer there. It's basically the mainframe for all of ISIS. Secret files, agent identities, asset locations. All of that and more is on that computer. I'll be back in about twenty minutes…"
"Oh Krieger-san…" Mitsuko appeared. "My cherry blossoms are wilting…"
"Make that thirty," Krieger added. To Mitsuko he said. "Wait in the van."
Mitsuko giggled and disappeared. "Okay so I'll leave you to it," Krieger said.
"So, you're just going to leave your agency's main computer and all its files to an untrained intern?" Merlin blinked. "Who you have never met before?"
"Is that a problem?" Krieger blinked.
"Nope," Merlin said with a straight face. "Just checking."
"Oh, and the password is guest," Krieger called out as he left. "In case you want to check out any secret files."
"Why would you tell me that?" Merlin looked at him.
"I dunno," Krieger shrugged. Then he left.
"It can't be this easy," Merlin was stunned as he sat at the computer. He had switched back to his true British accent. "I mean I've heard the stories but it can't be…Oh wait. Apparently, it is. Right. This won't take long…" He started to upload all the data and files to a separate disk.
Meanwhile…
"Can you believe that glasses wearing bitch Cyril had the nerve to cheat on me?" Lana fumed as she talked to Ray. They were walking down the hallway.
"We'll you've only been talking about it every day for the past several weeks," Ray rolled his eyes. "So yes…"
"I mean who does he think he is for cheating on me?" Lana fumed. "I'm glad Mallory sent him away upstate!"
"Well he did kind of have a nervous breakdown," Ray gave her a look. "After he thought you were sleeping with everyone from ISIS on his desk."
"I didn't really sleep with everyone!" Lana waved. "Just Pam. Besides if I really wanted to I could have cheated on Cyril with someone outside this office! Someone better looking! And rich! Definitely rich!"
"Like who?" Ray snickered.
"Models!" Lana protested. "Male models!"
"So basically, the plan was for you to cheat on Cyril before he cheated on you?" Ray gave her a look.
"Not…necessarily," Lana shrugged. "But if I did cheat on Cyril which technically no I sort of didn't kind of…. It would be implied!"
"What?" Ray did a double take.
"You know what I mean," Lana waved.
"Not really," Ray blinked.
Neither of them noticed a pair of painters nearby. One man and one woman. Both wearing glasses and carrying some paint cans.
"I'll bet that French whore wasn't the only one Cyril cheated on me with," Lana fumed as they passed the open walk in safe. "When I find out who else he's boned…"
Suddenly the female painter spoke up. "I wonder if that has anything to do with all those pictures of a man having sex with different women we found in the safe?"
"WHAT?" Lana shouted. "WHY THAT LITTLE…?" She ran into the safe.
"Why is the safe room open?" Ray blinked. "Lana!" He ran after her.
"Where are those pictures?" Lana looked around.
"Lana hang on…" Ray began. "This sounds like a…"
CLICK! CLICK!
"Trap…" Ray groaned as they turned around and saw that the painters had guns.
The female painter then shot Lana several times. It was a paint gun of sorts leaving Lana with several splotches of red on her white sweater vest. "What the…?"
"Bye…" The female painter waved before shutting the door and locking them in.
"Those weren't real painters, were they?" Ray sighed.
"No, they were not," Lana sighed.
"Dukes," Ray groaned. "We are going to be in so much trouble."
"Yup," Lana groaned.
Outside the locked safe room…
"So what made you think to say that?" Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin asked his partner.
Roxanne 'Roxy' Morton gave him a look. "Because it seemed like the easiest way to get her into the vault," She replied in a no nonsense British accent. "And it was."
"You didn't have to shoot her," Eggsy pointed out as they removed their painters' outfits to reveal their bespoke suits.
"Yes, I did," Roxy gave him a look. "It's airheads like that who give the rest of us female spies a bad name. Besides it's no different than what you did to Archer."
"Fair enough," Eggsy shrugged. "By the way why was the safe room open in the first place?"
Flash to Cheryl…
"Because that's where Ms. Archer hides the good glue!" Cheryl said as she took a sniff of some gooey glue. "Duh!"
"Did you remember to close the safe room door?" Brett asked her.
"Ehhhh…" Cheryl shrugged.
Flash back to the Kingsmen.
"Oh well," Eggsy shrugged. "Doesn't matter. You know for a spy agency this has been ridiculously easy to get into."
"And easier to get intelligence from," Merlin walked up to them. "And I use that word extremely loosely."
"You broke into the mainframe and downloaded the files already?" Roxy was stunned.
"The German idiot literally gave me the password," Merlin told them. "Guess what it is?"
"Guest?" Eggsy guessed. Merlin nodded. "My god I was just joking."
"This entire so-called spy agency is a joke," Roxy grumbled. "Americans!"
"That's why we're using the non-lethal weaponry," Merlin smiled. "Where are the other agents?"
"Two are in the safe," Roxy told him. "And the others are having a drinking contest in the bullpen."
Flash to the bullpen…
"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" Pam cheered as two agents drank and the rest of the agency cheered them on. Bets were being exchanged by hand. Cheryl was happily chugging glue.
Flash back to the Kingsmen…
"What about Dr. Krieger?" Eggsy asked.
"He's…indisposed," Merlin winced.
Flash to Krieger's van…
"Oh Krieger-san!" Mitsuko squealed with pleasure as the Rush Van rocked back and forth outside.
Flash back to the Kingsmen.
"Don't ask," Merlin groaned. "Shall we commence Stage Two?"
"I thought you'd never ask," Eggsy opened up a paint can they brought in.
Meanwhile back in Mallory's office…
"This is ridiculous," Mallory groaned as she looked over the papers. "How does an idiot nerd like Cyril do this? Damn it! I knew I should have taken those accounting classes when I was younger."
Then she heard the screams. Then the sounds of paint being splattered everywhere and some other noises. "Oh, what fresh hell is going on now?" Mallory groaned.
She stormed over to her door and opened it. To her shock she saw that the room was already covered in giant spots of paintballs. Her agents and staff were being chased around by two people in tailored suits shooting paintballs and throwing odd looking devices.
Devices which turned out to be some kind of flash grenades. Mallory shielded her eyes on instinct before one exploded.
"I CAN'T SEE!" Pam shouted. She ran into Brett.
"AAAAHH!" Brett screamed as he was knocked down and run over by panicking staff.
"AAAAHHH!" Cheryl stumbled around. "Save the glue! Save the glue!"
"Oh, for the love of Christ…" Mallory groaned as she closed the door. Then went back to her desk and poured herself a drink.
"Quite a bit of a mess out there isn't it?"
Mallory looked up in surprise at the sound of the British voice. A man in a well-tailored suit looking like Collin Firth was in the doorway. He wore glasses with one of the eyeframes blacked out. "Hello Mallory. What's new?"
"Harry Hart," Mallory frowned. "AKA Galahad. You're still alive?"
"Surprising I know," Hart said casually as he sauntered in. "I could say the same for you."
CRASH!
"Can I assume that you had something to do with whatever is going on out there?" Mallory groaned.
"Well you know what they say about people who assume," Hart smiled at her. "But in this case, yes."
BANG!
"AAAAAHHH!" Brett screamed. "OWWWW! MY LEG!"
"Damn it Brett!" Pam shouted. "Get out of my way! I can't see a thing!"
"All right Hart-Less," Mallory glared at him. "Why the hell are the Kingsmen playing Three Stooges with my stooges?"
"Because simply shooting you lot would have been a waste of bullets," Hart shrugged. "And I did tell my agents to be creative."
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"NOW I HAVE PAINT IN MY EYES!" Brett screamed. "OWWW! Those paintball things hurt!"
"Use Brett as a shield!" Cheryl screamed. "He gets shot all the time anyway!"
"Mission accomplished," Mallory groaned. "And this little demonstration of our bad our security is why…?"
"Why tell you when I can show you?" Hart took out a small disk and handed it to Mallory.
"This does not bode well," Mallory groaned as she put the disk in her computer. And then watched her son's entire antics. "I was right."
CRASH!
"He drank a full canter of Glengoolie Amber Dark Bull Scotch," Hart explained. "Our entire supply of it in one gulp!"
"That explains why he passed out," Mallory groaned. "I told him to always drink that stuff with ice!"
"To be fair my man was going to drug him with a knockout drug but…" Hart pointed.
"Sterling would have lasted longer against the knockout drug," Mallory groaned.
"You can see now why I'm rather miffed," Hart told her. "It's not nice to invade other people's spy agencies and take their things. As you are finding out the hard way."
CRASH!
"You know it's not like I ordered Sterling to invade your agency!" Mallory snapped. "I sent him on a completely different mission!"
"I know," Hart said. "That's the only reason I'm allowing this travesty of an agency to remain standing. Plus knowing your lot, you'd probably destroy it yourselves."
CRASH! SMASH!
"GET OUT OF MY WAY STUPID WATER COOLER!" Cheryl screamed.
"Which is highly likely," Hart sniffed. "Still…No one messes with the Kingsmen. Even accidentally. And I figured why not make it a training exercise? You know? Sharpen my newer agents' skills and assess them."
"OWWW! STOP SHOOTING AT ME DAMN IT!" Brett screamed. "I GET ENOUGH OF THAT WHEN ARCHER IS HERE!"
"I should have taken them to the playground instead," Hart quipped. "The jungle gym would be more challenging than you lot."
SMASH! CRASH!
"If this is what passes for a spy agency in America," Hart sniffed. "I fear for the safety of the free world. Actually, this does explain a few things now that I think about it."
"I am surrounded by idiots," Mallory groaned.
Hart glared at her. "The only reason I don't shut down your…organization for lack of a better word. More like a circus sideshow without the tent…Is because I have bigger threats to deal with. And knowing you, your incompetence as well as that of your agents will probably get you shut down anyway. And that includes your twat of a son who we have in our holding cells still sleeping off all the alcohol he drank."
"What do you want from me to get him back?" Mallory groaned.
"Hmm. That is a question. Merlin has already downloaded all your secret files from the server," Hart waved. "And looking around this tacky office I don't really need any new decorations…"
"You know…?" Mallory glared at him.
"These Stubends are nice," Hart went over to the bar. "Why are there only two of them?"
"Sterling broke the other two," Mallory admitted.
"Quelle surprise," Hart remarked.
Eggsy walked in. "Eggsy take the Stubend glasses to go if you don't mind," Hart told him. "And that scotch looks rather enjoyable."
"My scotch? Seriously?" Mallory snapped. "You don't have to go that far!"
"I think I do," Hart smirked.
"You'll have your dick of a son back within twenty-four hours," Eggsy told her.
"Can you make it 48?" Mallory groaned.
"No," Eggsy grinned as he left with her glasses and alcohol.
"Never mess with the Kingsmen again," Hart told her. "Good day."
Mallory made an annoyed sigh as Hart left the office. "And once again Sterling costs me some more Stubends. This is starting to become a running gag."
The following day…
"Well I hope you idiots are happy!" Mallory berated her staff as they cleaned the bullpen of paint stains. "We had a serious breach of security and you lot were completely worthless!"
"And Brett had to go to the hospital again," Pam spoke up as she paused from scrubbing a desk. "For paint in his eyes. And a broken leg."
"Hey this is all Archer's fault!" Lana threw down a sponge. "Why do we have to clean up his messes?"
"Because I said so!" Mallory shouted. "Trust me. Sterling isn't getting out of this disaster he created unscathed. After I yell at him I have a toothbrush with his name on it. And a very messy fireplace that needs cleaning."
DING!
Out of the elevator Archer staggered out wearing only his black underwear and some shoes and socks. And of course, a very naughty drawing on his forehead in black marker.
"Ugh…" Archer staggered in. "You would not believe the hangover I have. Man, those British tailors can put it away. Hang on. How did I get here? And what are you all looking at?"
"Nothing…" Pam snickered as she took a picture. "Agent Dick Face!"
"I have to agree," Ray took a picture as well. "A picture is worth a thousand words."
"What you need another picture of me to masturbate to?" Archer snapped. "I know you people do that!"
"Ewww," Ray winced. "No."
"Really?" Pam asked. "I do."
"Me too," Cheryl nodded as she took a picture.
"Sterling Mallory Archer…." Mallory growled. "Go to the men's room and look at yourself in the mirror."
"If this is one of those…Look At What A Failure You Are speeches, can you can it?" Archer groaned as he looked around. "Somebody? A little help?"
"You need a lot of help," Ray quipped. "Agent Dick Tracy."
"I mean get me a drink!" Archer snapped.
"Sure," Ray drawled. "How about a Dick Fizz?"
"A Dirty Dick Martini?" Pam added.
"A Dick Hard!" Krieger spoke up.
"A Dickie Ward!" Ray added.
"A Dick In The Dirt!" Brett called out.
"Good one Brett!" Ray said.
"A Dickel and Dew!" Krieger added. "And yes, that's a real drink. I checked."
"So's a Dirk Diggler!" Pam added.
"Nice!" Ray grinned.
"Oh very mature idiots," Archer groaned. "Just because I'm in my underwear…And what the hell happened here? Never mind. I need a drink. And something to eat."
"How about some spotted dick?" Cheryl asked cheerfully.
"Good one," Ray snickered.
"I spot a dick," Lana quipped pointing at Archer. "And another dick."
"Dick on dick!" Ray snickered. "My favorite! Zing!"
"Okay I'm just going to assume you idiots are just being idiots," Archer groaned.
"Yeah, we're the idiots!" Lana snapped. "Dick Gay-son!"
"I love this day so much," Ray laughed.
"If you are all finished?" Mallory sighed.
"Are you kidding?" Pam laughed. "We could go on like this for weeks!"
"So could I," Mallory snarled. "And by that, I mean torturing you lot with an iron poker!"
"How Dick-kensian!" Cheryl quipped.
"Sterling…" Mallory sighed. "As amusing as it is to see you humiliated as you made me with your latest failure. I need you to wash up and put on some clothes before I berate you for the rest of the day."
"Awww come on!" Pam protested.
"You never let us have any fun," Ray pouted.
"Archer for once I agree with your mother," Lana sighed. "You need to wash up in the bathroom. Now."
"Okay but not because you said so!" Archer stormed into the men's room.
"Three…" Lana counted off. "Two…One…"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Archer screamed from the bathroom.
"There it is," Lana smirked.
FLASHFORWARD:
"Ever since then relations between our two agencies have not been on the best of terms," Mallory groaned. "You should have heard the scream fest in my inbox after the whole disaster in Wales after Lana and Sterling kidnapped an MI6 agent."
"The only reason they didn't come after us then was apparently they were on the outs with MI6 at the time," Lana admitted. "Apparently having one of MI6's agents get kidnapped by us gave them a lot of fodder to mock them."
"I remember those messages in the secret chat files," Krieger nodded. "The Kingsmen said that an MI6 agent being caught by us is equivalent to an MI6 agent being caught by a troop of drunken unorganized girl scouts."
"Another one said that maybe MI6 should try and tangle with a more challenging foe," Cheryl added. "Like a wet paper bag."
"Or maybe more dangerous opponents like Moose and Squirrel," Krieger added.
"What's the difference between being caught by Mallory Archer's agency and an agency full of drunken monkeys with guns?" Pam added. "The drunken monkeys are better shots."
"Another message said that agent we kidnapped should resign in shame for being caught by the worst spy agency ever," Krieger added. "That one was just mean."
"That is funny though," Cyril snickered. "How come you guys never told me that before?"
"I dunno," Pam shrugged. "It just never came up."
"Oh but the time you murdered a field hand did?" Cyril asked.
"Okay A, it wasn't murder," Pam pointed out. "It was an accidental electrocution. Technically manslaughter. And B, I didn't put the pennies in and overload the generator. My sister Edie did. And my Dad. And my Uncle Earl. And a couple of times with my Aunt Mary. And a few times with my cousin…"
"Stop!" Cyril held up his hand. "Basically your family has killed a lot of field hands."
"Define a lot," Pam asked. "Because I know other farms that have killed a lot, lot more. And some of them on purpose. At least most of our deaths were accidents. Except that one guy who knocked up Edie. And that other guy that messed around with Uncle Earl's second wife."
"Moving on from Poovey Acres…" Cyril sighed. "Back to the Kingsmen Kerfuffle."
"That's exactly what we called it!" Pam added.
"As you can imagine," Mallory grimaced. "Relations between us and MI6 took a downward turn as well. And as well with the CIA."
"What?" Cheryl asked. "Do you mean us and the CIA? Or the CIA and M16?"
"Pick one," Mallory groaned. "Long story short we're blacklisted overseas as well. So there goes that possibility for work."
"And another possibility for the Kingsmen to retaliate against us," Lana added.
"Well we're not spies anymore," Cyril shrugged. "So they have no real reason to mess with us. Right?"
Meanwhile…
"Well technically no, I don't really have to do this," Eggsy remarked. He was wearing a doctor's disguise and in Archer's room. "Since you're not a spy anymore. Not that you were ever much of one in the first place…"
He finished his work. "But still…" Eggsy smirked. "It wouldn't hurt you or your mother to have a small reminder to not mess with the Kingsmen."
Archer lay there unconscious with a penis drawn on his forehead in marker.
"That never gets old." He took a picture with his phone before he left the room whistling.