AN: Very dark one shot, warning contains self harm and suicidal ideations. If anyone ever feels so down they consider suicide, please get help. People do care about you and will miss you! 1-800-273-8255 is the national suicide hotline number for the US. Lyrics are from Never Too Late by Three Days Grace.
…..
Tori sits by her windows, staring off into the rain that hammers against it. Every time a drop hits the window she can feel it reverberate like a heartbeat inside of her. Memories of the girl she loves with all her heart flash through her mind.
…...
"Jaaaade, you know how much I hate the scizzoring!", screeches Tori as she watches a girl get mutilated on screen. This had to be the umpteenth time Jade made her sit through this gore fest.
"Shhh," Jade scolds. "You know you secretly love it anyway," Jade replies taking Tori's hand in hers. A smile spreads across Tori's face, she may hate the scizzoring but it was nice when Jade would comfort her. Tori lies her head on Jade's shoulder and cuddles into her. It was hard to believe they had been together for two whole months already.
…
The rain was coming down harder as Tori returns from her bathroom, pair of scissors in her hand. She sits back down by the window, grim smile on her, using scissors to hurt herself just made her feel like her wounds brought her closer to Jade. As she cuts across her arm, high enough to cover her self harming with sleeves, she thought about Jade's fascination with blood. She wondered if she were to show Jade this how she'd respond? Morbid fascination? No, she knew how'd she respond. She'd be freaked out, maybe make Tori tell someone about what she was doing, and go into her dozenth explanation about how it wasn't Tori's fault she broke up with her. That Tori had done nothing wrong, people just grow apart sometimes. The grim smile was gone from Tori's face as she stared expressionless out into the rain
…
This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it?
I will not leave alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late
…
Tori wasn't sure when her feelings had changed. One day Jade was the bane of her existence, making sure she was always miserable. Then Tori started noticing how much she liked Jade's pale skin, how soft her lips looked. How much she loved her body. Then lustful attraction turned into her blushing way to often around Jade, her wanting Jade around all the time even if it meant being tormented. She started daydreaming about kissing her, holding her, calling her her girlfriend.
She could never see it happening though, Jade hated her and Tori could never imagine her reciprocating her feelings. One day while Jade was yelling at her for God knows what, Tori was too busy staring at her lips to pay attention, she leaned in and kissed her. Once Tori realized what she was doing her stomach dropped. She felt fear well up inside of her, so she pulled away and ran hoping to god that Jade would just forget this happened and never mention it.
Tori got lucky though, Jade did mention it. "So Vega," Jade said as she found Tori hiding in the Black Box Theater, "What was that about?" Tori simply shrugged, she didn't know what to say and she definitely couldn't think of a reason that would make Jade just drop this. "Just forget it happened," Tori said as she looked up at Jade, doing the best to plead her case with her eyes.
"What if I don't want to forget it happened?" replied Jade softly before leaning in and giving Tori a kiss.
…
Tori lied down to try and sleep, she felt the crippling darkness envelop her mind, body, and soul. She felt as if her heart had been ripped out and in it's place vast empty void. She didn't know if she could ever be whole again, much less ever love again. She walked through every day as a zombie, the only time she was able to feel something was when she was able to hurt herself. What made it so much worse was when she'd walk through the halls of Hollywood Arts and have to see them together. The break up had blind sided her, she had no clue Jade was falling out of love with her (or maybe she never loved her at all? She just didn't know anymore) much less falling in love with someone else.
…
Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
…
Cat was talking, her normal silly (mostly) nonsense. Jade seemed to be staring at her pretty intensely. Tori grabbed Jade's hand under the table, Jade looked over to her and gave her the smile she reserved only for Tori. Tori gave her a shy smile back. They had been dating almost a year now and Tori had never been more in love with anyone, ever. Jade had become her life, this thought scared Tori sometimes as that meant one person had so much power over her whether they wanted it or not.
Tori was home now and Jade should be here any minute for them to hangout, Tori had made sushi for them though they came out more like sushi balls than regular old sushi. She sighed and hoped Jade would like them anyway. After all it's the thought that counts, right? She heard the doorbell rang and she jumped up excitedly to get it. There was Jade standing there, smile on her face and look of love in her eyes.
"So, sushi… Balls?", asked Jade with a hint of amusement in her tone. Tori lightly punched Jade in the shoulder and pouted, "Don't make fun of them! I put a lot of effort into these," Tori said while laughing a little. Half an hour later, and a playful argument between the two over what movie they would watch, The Scizzoring was playing while they ate. Tori wanted to watch something a lot more lighthearted, like maybe The Lion King, but Jade almost always won the argument over what movie they'd watch. Tori looked over to Jade to see her looking a bit sad. "Everything okay Jade?" asked Tori hoping everything was alright in Jade's home life. Jade looked over and gave her a soft smile, "Of course Tori," Jade said as put her food down and gave Tori a hug. Tori instantly felt better.
…
Tori had woken up for school just a few minutes ago, she looked at the huge bottle of Tylenol they kept in the cabinet. "Not today, not yet," she said out loud, just barely above a whisper. Her parents were never around to see how much she had lost herself, and of course Trina was to self involved to care, much less notice, that Tori was a wreck. Tori got into Trina's car, not really ready for another day of school. She had been having to deal with this for two months now, the empty void inside her where she once felt love and compassion.
When they arrived Tori went to her favorite spot out behind the school, a little enclave no one bothered to ever come to. She spent most of her free time here. After the breakup all her friends would try help her and cheer her up. Beck, Andre, Robbie, and even her Cat. The girl who stole her love away. She would try to explain how she and Jade never planned anything. That they had just fallen in love, just like Tori and Jade had. Of course, this in no way made her feel better. Tori let out a scream and started kicking a tree, over and over trying to let her anger out. Tori wished she had never given Jade her heart, all Jade did was end up tearing it out. Tearing out her love, her life, any reason she had to live. Every day was such a struggle now and Jade and Cat get to ride off into the sunset.
…
No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there's something wrong
Who would have guessed it?
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It's not too late
It's never too late
…
It'd been two weeks since our break up and every day I have to see Jade and Cat together. I sat at a different table now for lunch, as far from them as I could in class. My friends take turns sitting at my table with me. I can tell I'm starting to alienate them though, it wasn't that I mean to them or anything. I was just nothing. I didn't talk, and when I did it was one word responses. Also my mood had to be getting them down. Then as I expected soon they started to pull back. First Beck stopped sitting with me, he'd still say hi in the halls but, unlike before, he didn't stop and look expectantly for some response. He'd just continue on. The next was Robbie, unlike Beck he actually apologized and told me he had to distance himself from me.
"It's not like I want to," he said, "It's just you're starting to make me depressed. I just can't be around it anymore." Which was more than fair enough, he had to take care of himself. Andre stuck around the longest, trying so hard to get me to open up, to break me out of this fog. I wish he had given up sooner, I was just dragging them all down. I couldn't blame Jade for what happened, people fall in, and out, of love. It was just life. It didn't mean I had to be okay though, she had become my life. As much apart of me as my hand, or heart. Losing her was like having a limb amputated, I had lost a part of myself. Soon enough I stopped going to lunch, retreating to my haven I had found. Where I never had to worry about seeing them. Then I kind of just stopped eating.
…
The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get it back
The life we had
Won't be ours again
This world will never be
What I expected
…
Tori was home now, it was night. Her parents were god knows where, same for Trina. She stared at the bottle of Tylenol. She could hear it calling her name. So she drew up a warm bath. Grabbed a gallon of water from the fridge. She stared at the bottle in her hand, 500 Tylenol. She could feel each and every pill calling her name. "Tori, Tori, we're here for you. Tori, you can end the pain. Tori, your friends won't miss you, you already took care of that. Tori, you'll never love like that again life isn't worth living without love. Tori, end it" Tori, handful by handful took all the pills and lied down in her bath tub. The warm water felt good on her skin. It felt like Jade's love, she could feel her love encompass her again. She could see Jade now hugging her, the warm water felt so good.
…
Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late (It's never too late)
It's not too late
It's never too late
…
Jade and Tori were on their first date. Tori was so happy, everything had happened so fast but just didn't care. A horror themed carnival was in town, which made it an easy decision on where to take Jade for their first date. Jade won Tori a stuffed animal from some carnival game where you had to shoot and pop inflatable zombie balloons. Now they were on a Ferris Wheel which had speakers in every carriage playing sounds of a ride breaking down and people screaming. To be honest it freaked Tori out a bit. Jade could tell though and wrapped her arm around Tori pulling her close.
"Don't worry Tori," Jade whispered, "I'll always be here to protect you."