I was rummaging through my computer and I found this. I wrote this almost two years ago, for a psychology project. I guess you can say it's based on me, but I've grown a lot since then, haha. So I decided I'd just post it.
I stared out through the glass, head tilted against the train window. I searched for a thought to grasp to, one out of the many running through my mind. It was silly of me to be surprised at the one I chose.
Pain instantly found it's way into my chest, causing me to wince. At times, I had to ask myself if I enjoyed it. It was something I'd put myself through more frequently. Patiently, eyes closed, I whispered. Hold on, it'll pass. Just wait. My eyelids tightened as I began rocking back and forth slightly, trying to calm my heart's irregular beats. Soon, a smile snuck it's way onto my face. Just as fast as the aching began, had it disappeared. I'd gotten through the gate, and it was time for the prize on the other side: Memories.
He lingered inside of my memories wherever I went. It was as though I wanted him to leave. I could never ask for that. But, I needed some understanding. Maybe asking for that alone was too much of a request.
I began with remembering the first time we met. It was during the warmer days of June. I hated that day. I sunk into my seat as I recalled the feelings from then, as though it had happened a few hours ago. Everything had gone wrong, and I was a complete mess. As we spoke, I felt like it showed. When I left, I'd definetely left an impression, though I'd left no words of departure.
The second one was happier. Warmer. It was the summer of '08, and I felt I had grown so much more, as compared to my other uneventful ones. His smile was something I had failed to notice in the beginning. It held something.. different. It could be called a spark, or shine, or whatever. My day was brighter when I saw him then. I didn't understand it. We weren't so close that I had missed him terribly, or thought of him with every move I made. But when he looked into my eyes, and spoke to me. When he looked into my eyes, and smiled at me, I felt my heart jump into my throat as I returned the gesture. I can't remember the last person I'd ever known who could make me laugh so much as he did. Not after that day, no.
Remembering where I was, I sat up and composed myself. I had been doing it again. Who knows the number of strangers who had gotten on and off, and stared at the weird expressions across my face. I was so dazed, I nearly missed my stop. Feeling the need of avoiding the real world a bit longer, I wandered into a nearby park, and found a bench.
That's right.. Our third time together was in a place just like this. There had been an event in the park during August. That was the day I realized what his touch could do. The sensation that ran through my body when he wrapped his arm around me, jokingly of course. We were somewhat closer at that point in time, and even had our own inside jokes. That was important me, and was something I clung to. It was something of ours. I'm positive it became apparent to some people that day what had been going on inside of me. The way I looked at him should have said everything. Sure, the message had been recieved by those with eyes, but it was his view that counted most. And it was his vision that was failing.
What was coming next caused me to lose breathe. Eyes shut tight again, gripping the edge of my seat, I waited. Rocking back and forth, I tried to find my lungs. It was so easy to forget them when it came to times like these.
Fourth. It was more private this time, but not at all. Surrounded by friends, yes. But, when he looked at me, it was just the both of us. The way we spoke and interacted with each other gave me so much happiness, I couldn't even begin to describe it. How close we'd get, and the way we would just.. be. It was a new world to me. It was a new feeling, something a drug would give. I laughed aloud at some of the things that came to mind. He could make me so happy, even with something that had happened so long ago.
After that, there was nothing left. Nothing but the pain to kill me with every step I took, and every breath I managed to catch. Tears were soon in my eyes, streaming down my cheeks. The image of the both of them in each others' arms was heart-wrenching.
No matter what anyone said, in a sense, I would always feel as though it was my fault. I didn't smile enough. I didn't look at him the right way. I wasn't.. right. I couldn't begin to process in my mind what had occured, although I'd been at this point hundreds, maybe thousands, of times before. Maybe if I had spoken earlier, I wouldn't be sitting on this bench alone. If I had held him tighter, for a bit longer, maybe he'd be giving me his enchanting smile at this exact moment. I clutched at my ribs, trying to calm myself. But how could I? Somewhere, he was perfectly happy with.. whoever she was, in his arms. And me? It was becoming habitual to fit sobbing and lamenting into my schedule. It was all I had left to do with myself.
I couldn't understand any of it. Why it was only me dying on the inside.
Why was it only me!
My friend was there, during our last memory together. My big sister-like figure. She saw it, the way we interacted with each other. "You guys were in your own world the entire time. Completely cozy with one another." She smiled and added, "The both of you were so cute then, yknow?" I let out a moan as I slumped downwards. Those were great times.
I was no longer a part of it, yknow. A part of my own life. Everything and everyone moved around me freely. They reacted when I felt alive enough to participate. But this thing called my life was broken now, in a way I felt could not be repaired. No matter how tall I would try to stand, or how much I'd try to smile. My eyes would never look the same, my walk would never be the same. And yet, I was expected to keep moving, like a slave. No matter what, keep going! It made no sense. But, life is cruel in that sense.
Biting into my lip, I tried to separate everything one at a time. I didn't feel anger towards him, just a deep sense of sorrow and disappointment. If it were anyone else in my place, it would make sense to be angry at the bastard who put someone I cared for through this. It's something that seemed unbearable. And yet, I couldn't get angry. I couldn't bring myself to hate him. No.. never. But that made no sense! Atleast, for some brief moment, I should've given myself that: The chance to scream, yell, curse, and so on. But no. Thinking about him, and doing such things.. It couldn't be done at the same time.
And then it hit me.
Although I couldn't define exactly what this feeling was, it was here for a reason. It was because I loved everything about him. In a way, he still belongs to me. It was a connection that would always be there. I'm HIS friend, and he's mine. I'm HIS 'wife,' and he's my 'husband.' I hoped nothing but the best for him. But, whatever would happen with what he had going on, I would always be here. It wasn't as though I was expecting something, however. Just knowing that I'd be able to look at him and everything between us would be okay. That was an idea I had to hold onto to keep my lungs functioning.
Sure, eventually, I'd heal. I'd be able to look into those eyes I came to look forward to, and smile with sincerity. I'd be able to hold his hand, and the strong sensations would not overpower me. Yes, everything felt wrong now. But I would always look back, and smile. The thought of having someone who could do such things to a person was.. amazing. In the few times we'd been face-to-face, he managed to sweep me off my feet, and let me crash. I smiled at the thought of it, like I was insane. I had to be. But everything was illogical enough, so why not? There was no room for logic, sense, or reason in this twisted part of life. I'd begun to accept it as I stood from my seat. I began walking down the pathway, looking down at all the leaves that had meshed into the pavement.
That was something funny about nature. It was the time of year where the leaves were most beautiful. All different colors, from red, to orange, to yellow. At their peak, they were destined to fall to the ground, and become part of the ugly roads. I continued to walk, trying my best to ignore the reminders of autumn beneath my feet.
When the day came to see him for a fifth time, I'd be ready.