well, i wrote this like last week when i was really angsty and upset... and like always, i wrote out what i was feeling and wanted to do, and this was the result! and i'm pretty happy with it too XD

WARNING! ...suicidal!Duo

*cries* dont kill me for writing this!

End it All

"Dammit!"

Duo reached for the razorblade, knowing all too well that it wasn't the right thing to do, but not necessarily caring. Carefully holding the sharp object in between his fingers, he reached up to wipe away his silent tears with the back of his hand. He sniffled, staring into his reddened, amethyst eyes in the reflection of the mirror. There was no turning back now. He couldn't chicken out, not after finally going this far. He was going to end it, once and for all.

Duo brought the razor down on the smooth, unscarred skin of his wrist. He dragged it heavily against his flesh, tracing the line of the bluish vein within, cutting into it, watching as the sudden color of deep red poured across his pale skin. It hurt, but this pain was nothing. It wasn't nearly what he had expected... maybe he was just too numb.

He stared at the blood in a sort of daze, watching it drip onto the floor, splatter up onto his bare feet. Duo didn't feel the effects of the blood leaving him yet, but he knew it was only a matter of time before he collapsed. Hands shaking terribly, fingers struggling to keep their grip on the tiny blade, Duo took the razor in his other hand, brought it down on his other wrist.

He dropped the razorblade then, grip too weak to hold it any longer, and it clattered lightly to the floor, staining red as more blood dripped down onto it. Duo leaned against the wall, locking his legs and glaring at himself in the mirror. Nearly sixteen long years, he had waited for this moment, waited for Shinigami to turn on him and pull him violently to the other side. Duo had never wanted to die in battle, never wanted to lose his life to some stupid, political cause. He wanted to take it on his own, not only be the murderer of this single life, lost, but also the victim. For once, he wouldn't be taking someone's life, whether they were soldier or civilian, he wouldn't be killing anyone with a family, with children, brothers, sisters, lovers... he wouldn't be killing anyone even remotely worth missing. Not this time.

Duo's knees buckled and he sank down the wall to the floor, his eyes going half-lidded and glassy. His heart thudded against his ribcage, as if threatening to break free, as it tried to get what was left of his blood through to his brain and other vital organs. But that only hastened Duo's end... it was too late for him now.

Duo felt no regret, not even a whisper of doubt as he sat there, slowly bleeding out. The one he loved never even looked at him, the war was almost over, so his fighting capabilities weren't really needed anymore, he never intended to survive this long in the first place... and it was about time that Shinigami finally met his end. Duo knew he should've died all those years ago, so many times... whether simply from starvation, from the L-2 plague like Solo and the others, in the 'Maxwell Church Tragedy' like Father Maxwell and Sister Helen... whatever the cause, Duo shouldn't have lived this long. He should be dead. And he was finally going to set things right.

Duo knew his life had served a purpose. He knew why he had lived this long. But that didn't change the fact that his usefulness was running thin and he'd soon be nothing more than an empty shell, his one reason to live, lost... Better to end it now, before feeling and consciousness were lost. When he could still die thinking of Heero, mind lost in a fantasy where he was safe in Heero's embrace, all the troubles of the world, gone.

Duo's head fell, his bleeding wrists resting limply at his sides where he sat on the floor. His consciousness was slipping, his time was almost spent. The image in his minds eye, the image of Heero holding him close, began to fade. Finally, Death would have him. Duo welcomed the cold as it spread up his fingertips, through his arms and deep into his chest, hovering like a shadow of darkness, hauntingly around the dimming light that was his fading soul.

He could see Shinigami now, the ghostly figure reaching out to lead him to the other side, to Hell. The hurt was fading; his life was at its end. Duo reached out to take that bony, deathlike hand, about to fall into the abyss and never wake.

"Duo!"

The voice jolted through Duo's consciousness. Shinigami faded from his view in a mist of bloodied smoke, the welcoming hand that was mere inches away, gone. Duo distantly felt strong hands on his shoulders, shaking him; then, what felt like a moment later, those hands were pressing to his wrists, trying to stop the bleeding.

No... Duo tried to whisper, let me die... I need to end it.

But then his consciousness fell. Shinigami wasn't there to welcome him, but death came, nonetheless. And Duo was glad, because this worthless life was now at an end. Nobody would miss him...

. . .

Heero stifled a yawn. It was the middle of the night, and he had to pee. He stumbled to the bathroom, still half asleep, paying no mind when he found that the door was closed. He absently twisted the knob, pushing open the bathroom door. The bright lights over the big mirror blinded him for a moment, and he squinted down at the floor... only to see that it was stained with blood.

Eyes wide with shock, Heero stared at Duo's limp form for a mere moment, unable to react. Duo was sitting against the wall, his head bent and his arms at his sides. His wrists were slit and bleeding, spilling life onto the floor.

Heero was kneeling in front of Duo then, shaking his shoulders, "Duo!" he tried to get the other to wake up, speak, anything to confirm that he was alive...

Acting on instinct, Heero pulled out the first aid kit from under the sink and grabbed two gauze pads. He pressed them to Duo's wrists, willing the bleeding to stop. It might not be too late. Maybe Duo could still be saved...

Keeping the pressure of his palms directly over the two near-identical wounds, Heero lifted up Duo's arms so that they were above the level of the dieing boy's heart. This would allow gravity to help stop the bleeding...

Heero sat like that for several minutes, occasionally checking to make sure that the cuts hadn't bled through the gauze. Thankfully, Duo was still breathing.

Once the bleeding had stopped, Heero carefully added another few layers of gauze and finished bandaging Duo's wrists. Heero then picked the other up, holding him in his arms, and carried him out to his own bedroom. After checking to find that Duo's clothes weren't all that bloodied, Heero pulled back the blankets of his bed and placed Duo in it.

He took the pillow out from under Duo's head, so that he was lying flat. Heero then placed it, and another pillow under Duo's feet, that way his body wouldn't have as much trouble circulating what was left of his blood. It was obvious that Duo's body was about to, if it already hadn't, go into shock from all that blood loss... he was terribly pale, his skin was cool and clammy, and his breath was quick and shallow. But Heero knew from experience that he had stopped the bleeding in the nick of time. He was sure Duo would be okay...

Heero pulled the blankets up to Duo's shoulders, his fingers lingering for a moment to gently brush Duo's unruly bangs from his eyes. The pilot of Deathscythe looked so pale in the dim light from the moon that was coming in through the window...

Why had Duo tried to kill himself? It was true that the pilot of Deathscythe hadn't exactly been holding up that positive façade of his very well the past few days, but why had it come to this? Duo's mask had slipped before, but he never went this far. There were no marks or scars of any kind on Duo's wrists until now. And Heero knew that Duo hadn't slit his wrists simply for the sake of feeling the pain or seeing the blood... he wouldn't have let himself keep bleeding like that if that was his intention.

Heero shook his head slightly, staring down at the comatose teen lying in his bed. "Duo..." Heero whispered, barely audible, feelings long since locked away finally coming to the surface. He placed his hand on the other's cheek, gently rubbing the smooth skin with his thumb. "...why would you do such a thing?"

Duo remained unresponsive, his consciousness still lost somewhere dark and so very far away.

Heero knelt at the side of the bed, next to Duo, for the rest of the night, waiting for the other to wake. The sun rose, and Heero found that he had dozed off. He woke to Duo dazedly pushing himself upright, staring in shock at his bandaged wrists.

"Why... am I still alive?" he asked no one in particular, oblivious to the fact that Heero was right next to him. Duo's voice was heavy with confusion and wonder, his hazy mind unable to fill in the blanks of what had happened after he lost consciousness.

Heero pushed himself to his feet, crossing his arms over his chest and staring down at Duo. He wanted to say that Duo was alive because he saved him, that he was too important to the pilot of Wing to die, but the cold, mean, emotionless side of Heero took over before he could speak his true feelings. "You're alive for the same reason I am: to win this war."

Duo had tears in his eyes when he looked up at Heero, anger and sorrow clear. After a moment though, Duo averted his gaze, forcing himself out of the bed. Heero put a hand on the other's shoulder, preventing him from rising, forcing him to lie back down.

Duo didn't fight it, letting himself relax back into the bed, body still missing quite a bit of blood. But when he spoke, his tone was just as cold and heartless as Heero's, "You stopped the bleeding," he stated bluntly.

Heero just nodded, hating the reflection of his own voice in Duo's.

Duo continued, staring angrily at Heero, "You should've let me die. There's no point in me living any longer, now that the war is almost over." But then Duo looked away, up at the ceiling, his tone going from angry to morose, "I'll never survive if I'm left alone to fend for myself again..."

"You won't be alone," stated Heero, gathering back those hidden feelings that he had for Duo.

"Of course I will," Duo practically moaned, completely missing the rare display of emotion in Heero's voice. Duo closed his eyes, rolling over to face the wall, "Go away, Heero..."

Heero knelt again and put his hand on Duo's shoulder, his heart hurting at the harshness of the other's voice. "I'm staying with you, Duo." Heero took a moment to choose his next words carefully; he spoke slowly, "I will not leave your side until I know that you're not going to try to take your own life again... and after that, you... you can do what you want with me."

Duo remained silent for many moments, concentrating on the feel of Heero's strong hand on his shoulder. "...You really mean that?" his voice was quiet, barely over a pained whisper. He didn't turn to look at Heero though, keeping his eyes shut tight as the salty tears streamed freely down his cheeks.

"I swear it," Heero stated simply.

Duo shrugged Heero's hand off of his shoulder, curling tighter into the blankets. Until now, he hadn't realized that this was Heero's bed. He just noticed the familiar, musky smell of Heero that was practically embedded in the soft sheets. Why would Heero put Duo in his bed? "I... if you're lying to me, Heero... I... I won't..." hesitate to kill you, too.

Heero sighed before saying, "Why would I lie to you? Don't you trust me?"

Duo scowled, opening his eyes to glare a metaphorical hole into the wall before him, "No Heero, I don't trust you. I don't trust you to do the right thing and let me kill myself."

Heero stood then, stiffly taking Duo into his arms and hugging him tightly. He could feel the tears stinging his cobalt eyes as he said quietly, voice trembling slightly, "You think I could just stand aside... and let the person, who means more to me than my own life, kill himself?" Heero's hands gripped the back of Duo's shirt, willing himself to stay strong and to keep from crying.

Duo said nothing, his body tense against Heero's. He didn't believe this... Heero didn't even talk to Duo unless he had to... how could their feelings for each other be the same? But the sincerity in Heero's voice—how could Duo not swear to refrain from taking his life after hearing that? B-but why? This had to be some sort of lie... there was no way in hell Heero felt about Duo in this way. Duo was nothing more than a soldier, a fellow pilot to the emotionless Heero Yuy... why, how could this be?

"G-get away from m-me..." Duo stuttered weakly, struggling to find his voice through the strong sensations of love and caring and safety that had overcome him in the form of Heero's embrace. He tried to push away from the other, but Heero refused to let go. "I... I can't trust you..."

"It's okay Duo." Heero gently, comfortingly rubbed the other's back, whispering, "You can trust me. I'll always be there for you, even after the war is over, and we're not just Gundam pilots anymore." Heero fought to keep his voice even, hating how much Duo's pleas for him to leave hurt his heart. He knew it went against every moment of his training to feel about anyone the way he felt about Duo, but Heero had bottled up his feelings for far too long. And seeing Duo sitting there last night, bleeding and so close to death had shattered that bottle of hidden love... Heero needed Duo more than he had ever known.

Duo's arms lifted to tightly return Heero's embrace. The emotion, the complete and total truth that was so clear in Heero's voice couldn't be denied any longer... Duo always knew he could trust Heero; whether it was with getting data on a terribly harsh mission or something such as this, Duo could trust Heero with his life. "Thank you..." Duo sighed quietly. Tears were streaming from his eyes again, only this time they soaked into Heero's shirt, instead of simply falling.

"You're welcome, Duo," responded Heero, before gently kissing Duo on the forehead and breathing in the other's scent. "Just please, don't try to take your life ever again..."

Duo titled his head up to place a careful kiss on Heero's jaw-line. "I won't," he sighed. But then his teary amethyst eyes met with Heero's perfect blue ones, "I don't need to now... now that I have someone to live for... now that there's someone who will miss me once I'm gone."

Duo had thought that... nobody would miss him? What about Heero? What about the other pilots? They'd all miss Duo if he died... if he killed himself. Heero hugged Duo a bit tighter at that thought. The reasoning behind Duo's attempt at suicide scared him to no end.

Heero stared into Duo's gaze for another silent moment before he bent forward, closing the space between them with a passionate kiss. It was one-sided at first, but then Duo kissed back, and Heero knew he had just saved Duo's life.

OWARI

so...? was it any good? PLEASE review! i really wanna know what you guys thought! XP

and, well... *talks fast like i'm still hyper from that super-strong cup of coffee i had this morning* progress on the huge fic has slowed, i started the new school year, chemistry sucks, i'm hating everything i've written the past few days, chemistry sucks, i'm gonna start torturing heero in my fics again, i have some other ideas goin, including a short, angsty songfic, chemistry sucks, and that's it! oh, and did i mention that chemistry sucks? XD

-Shinigami OUTTT.