Ty Lee wakes and offers the morning her first feigned smile of the day.
It feels natural on her lips and she once heard that if you project the feelings you desire, you will feel them. Or something confusing like that. And in this gloomy, dark palace of tarnished gold and dripping candles she feels the need to be a little burst of starlight amongst the night sky.
Azula is not beside her. That is troublesome, worrying and Ty Lee just takes a deep breath and figures she is outside in the light of the dawn practicing. Of course that is what is happening. Why would it not be?
She gets up, slowly, walking to the bathroom and washing her face. The cold water hits her skin and she breathes in, feeling it drip onto her lips. And, humming some tune she picked up somewhere in the Earth Kingdom eons ago when she was a Kyoshi Warrior, she puts on her make-up to a point of perfection any woman would envy.
Perfect. She looks like a doll, and maybe she should not because she is an adult. Perfect.
Her outfit takes her a long time to decide on, and by the time she is dressed, she is worrying about Azula. Again. But it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay, you know it's always okay, part of her believes.
Yes, it's okay until you find her with her wrists slit again, the other part of her scoffs.
And Ty Lee does not know which part is right, so she hums a little louder and smiles at the birds settling on the trees outside of Azula's window with the chipped red paint. So she slips away to find something to do with herself today.
When she lived with the Kyoshi Warriors there was always something to keep her occupied. Chores or training. But living as a princess has gifted her the luxury of absolute boredom. She used to appreciate it in the days when she would just lie in bed with Azula for hours and feel perfectly content.
Then again, living in the palace, she always has the taste of dust in her mouth.
Well, dust tastes better than mud, like Kyoshi Island.
But sometimes in winter she misses the smell of snow.
No, don't think these things. Your life is infinitely better now than it was before, she forces herself to think and nothing inside of her protests or resists.
She finds Azula surrounded by open books on the grass of the courtyard. It is summer, or maybe spring, Ty Lee is losing track of these things and sometimes she worries that she is slipping. But she stops the swirling thoughts of the way time no longer means anything to her by kneeling beside her incredibly focused wife and kissing her on the lips.
Azula leans into it; she is not even offended that she was interrupted while working. This may not be where they ever intended to be, but they have it all. Yes, they have it all and Ty Lee sits beside her and feels the heat radiating from her body.
She was so cold once. For a while, for a long while she was freezing. But Ty Lee still intertwined their bodies and gave her warmth instead of the other way around. And she would simply conceal her words and say nothing, because she would lose Azula if she said what she was thinking. Gradually, thankfully, blissfully, luckily, those doubts and angers faded and she no longer has any desire to voice them.
"You slept in," Azula comments, her tone difficult for Ty Lee to figure out. But she does not bother to dissect it and analyze it like she did when she first fell in love with Azula. Now their love is sealed and unbreakable, and Ty Lee can relax and know she will not lose Azula.
Unless she just snaps again, like the past five times.
Unless you find her with her wrists slit again.
Unless she burns you again.
Or rapes you.
Yes, or rapes you.
"Are you in there?" Azula murmurs, studying Ty Lee's vacant eyes. It is a look that usually only Azula possesses. A five hundred yard stare, gazing into emptiness as images beyond her control force their way into her brain.
"Yes," Ty Lee says brightly. "Do you know what day it is?"
You don't expect her to know what day it is, do you? Why would she ever remember?
"Clearly your birthday. It's going to be lovely," Azula says, sounding smug. She must have something lovely planned and Ty Lee finds herself entirely thrilled. "But I won't spoil it. You'll find out tonight."
Another kiss. Azula sucks on Ty Lee's lower lip, then sinks her teeth in. Fire, lust, lust that did not fade when the adrenaline died and they settled into each other's arms. And maybe that is what keeps them glued together despite everything pulling them apart. A desire for each other that is entirely unquenchable.
They feel so strongly for each other and Ty Lee is sure their love could start another war. Or ten. Their love could descend the world into chaos and Ty Lee absolutely loves it.
You're enamored with her power, not her personality.
She is eating you alive and you like it.
You...
"Would you tell me what these books are?" Ty Lee asks, blinking twice and offering yet another fake smile. This one feels easier on her lips than some.
Azula hesitates. "They're boring. They were my father's; that's all."
Ty Lee examines them closely. Textbooks of war that are useless in times of relative peace. But they mean something to her and Ty Lee wonders what means anything to her. Azula does, but Azula can't count in this equation. She lost her friends fairly easily when she decided to run away and marry the Fire Nation Princess.
She made new ones. Lost those.
Life goes on. She just keeps on... keeping on.
Now you're getting depressing. Put a smile on and stop trying to work yourself up.
And Ty Lee looks at the boring books and talks to Azula, who says incredibly witty things that make Ty Lee laugh far too hard to be socially acceptable. They touch, they kiss. Her skin feels like wildfire and Ty Lee loves the blaze.
Her birthday dinner comes and she is bouncing from foot to foot excitedly. She is absolutely ecstatic. There are rarely times just for her anymore, and she absolutely loathes it. But she gets all of the attention on her birthday. It makes the rest of the year so much more worth it.
The gifts are numerous. One year Ty Lee did not like some of them, and so Azula threw her an entire second birthday, in which she bought her the things she wanted. Ty Lee felt such overwhelming regret for weeks that she was constantly trying to make it up to Azula.
When they were kids, Azula once told her that gifts from her father came with more strings attached than a marionette show.
When they were teenagers, Azula once told her she never wanted to grow up to be her father.
When they were adults, Azula once told her that she knew she was becoming her father, and that she couldn't stop it.
And so Ty Lee opens her gifts with strings attached. She kisses her and clings to her. They play darts and Mai wins, of course. They have a few drinks and Azula spins Ty Lee around a thousand stars. It seems perfect. Completely perfect in the ways that make Ty Lee certain that this is the life she always desired.
"I've never tried and failed," Azula murmurs, while caressing Ty Lee's neck. They are intertwined in bed, after sex that was inspired. It has been years since their marriage, and it makes Ty Lee burn each time all the same as the first. "I'm failing, aren't I?"
"At what?" Ty Lee whispers, swallowing her nerves.
"This marriage." Azula slips away, her comforting touch disappearing from Ty Lee's skin.
"Well, you're certainly trying, so that means you can't be failing." Ty Lee's voice is slightly weak. They both are failing at this marriage because as much as they love each other, they can only hurt each other.
It seems to console Azula. At least enough for her not to combust or shatter.
Ty Lee drags her hand back over and they resume clinging to each other in the night.
Azula looks at her and Ty Lee offers the final feigned smile of the day.
It's fun to play pretend.