everyone poops except for aoba
one day aoba was with his orgy gang at the local starbucks like a bunch of white girls when noiz emerged from the bathroom boasting "i just took the biggest shit"
aoba was never more confused in his life
"what the fuck is that."
and at that exact moment everyone looked at him and just stared
everyone was baffled and confused on whether he was serious or not.
aoba got up and left, noiz taking his coffee he left behind like a hungry crab waiting for the fish to leave so he can have pickings of the remains. what a bottom feeder. koujaku slapped him on the back of the head.
on his way home, aoba called for ren. ren popped out from his bag. aoba is a fucking white girl.
"ren, google, poop."
"i'm not going to do that aoba-"
"google poop ren."
among the weird scat fetish and disgusting and traumatizing pictures on image search aoba was fascinated and gagging.
"what... is... poop?"
ren cocked his head "feces."
aoba looked at him with a blank expression.
"fecal matter."
"shit"
"a steamy hot load"
"the brown menace"
"...aoba you don't poop do you?"
aobas eyes widened and he let out the most bizarre hollar scaring children and adults alike surrounding him on the streets.
he ran home beating down anyone in his path with his purse having no time to deal with akushimas bull today
he was on a mission
aoba kicked down the door and tae goes "what is it this time"
"GRANNY WHAT IS POOP"
taes face imploded but surprisingly she wasnt disgusted.
"...I thought I'd never have to tell you this."
"WHAT IS POOP YOU AMY THE PRUNEHOG I HAVE TO KNOW RIGHT NOW"
Ren wiggled himself in the crack of the conversation. "Do you mean, *blue underline* scoop?"
"Ren don't make me put you in the bathtub with an open charging dock again. This time I'll have to upgrade to a cat."
Ren shut up right there like a little bitch.
Tae continued, "Aoba, poop is that mostly and commonly brown stuff that comes out of your butt after eating. What goes in has to come out and-"
"Or maybe I'll get a gerbil. A gerbil would suit some new purposes." Aoba interrupted as he thought of putting an allmate up his butt.
"Aoba you don't poop."
AOBAS EYES WIDENED AND EVERY LAST BLUE HAIR STOOD STRAIGHT UP.
"I CANNOT TELL IF THIS IS A BLESSING OR IF I'M A FREAK."
"I don't know what God made you but I'd call it a blessing from hi- wait I do know him."
"BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND."
Tae sighed and went to the kitchen to open a safe behind a cupboard and pull out a book from said safe.
She blew a cloud of dust into aobas face and sat down on the couch. Aoba did likewise, and Tae continued to read.
"Everyone poops..."
she flipped to the next page
"Except for Aoba."
Aoba cried "GRAAAAAAN"
Tae replied, "No really, it says it right here. Blame me all you want but I'm just repeating what the book says."
"An elephant makes a big poop. A mouse makes a tiny poop. Aoba doesn't poop at all."
"A one-hump camel makes a one-hump poop. And a two-hump camel makes a two-hump poop. Aoba doesn't poop at all, he just gets humped."
"Fish poop, and so do birds. And bugs too." (THIS IS ACTUALLY WRONG FOR SOME INSECTS BEING THAT SOME DON'T EVEN HAVE MOUTHS IN THE ADULT STAGE SO THEY JUST LIVE AND THEN DIE WITHOUT EATING ANYTHING.)
"Different animals make different kinds of poop. Aoba makes no poop. Aoba makes dust and black holes... And happy penises."
"Some stop to poop, others do it on the move. Grown-ups poop, children poop too. Aoba can't poop."
"All living things eat, so... everyone poops."
"Except for Aoba."
"GRAN WHY DON'T I POOP."
"You're a test tube baby, I'm guessing they made it so you didn't have a reason to poop. And you're also Jesus or something but I'm betting my money more on Satan, so that might be it too. Maybe you got a disease from all the men and things you've had in your ass, or maybe from fucking your dog."
"OKAY BUT HOW DON'T I POOP?"
"Maybe everything you eat just liquifies into piss. Maybe your fecal matter disintegrates before you poop it out. Maybe you can't poop because you have anorexia that's another cause of the no-shits, son."
Aoba stood up fast immediately falling over on his back from dizziness, breaking the coffee table under his weight.
"I'M GOING TO MAKE MYSELF POOP JUST YOU WAIT, WORLD." He got up and rushed out the door, screaming "JUST YOU WAAAAAIIIIIT."
Tae wasn't even surprised anymore, she just sighed. "Dream on, little blueberry man."
Aoba rushed to the store and bought every single laxative and shitting aid he could find, then rushed home. On his way back kojack was going to grab his butt but noticed the laxatives and decided against it very fast.
Aoba sat his ass down on the toilet at home, he never questioned how to poop because he was, as the germans say, a "sitzpinkler." He could hear Tae downstairs muttering about the money it would take to replace their front door and coffee table.
He inhaled then pushed really hard. Nothing.
Ren knocked on the door.
"Aoba, are you trying to poop?"
"Go away, Ren."
"It might take a while to digest those laxatives."
"How did you know, I did not take you to the store with me you nosey shit."
"We can see the heap of laxative boxes in the dumpster outside, everyone can."
"Oh.."
Aoba paused for a bit.
"Do you want to come in here and have weird furry yiffsex while I wait?"
"Aoba, as much as I'm into weird things, I'd prefer not to get shit on my dick. That's gross... That is, if you DO shit."
Aoba waited a little longer for the laxatives to kick in, he just sat there waiting... and waiting... and waiting...
Then, suddenly he felt a bowel movement!
He was so excited, he looked around frantically for some toilet-
He forgot to buy toilet paper.
He'd need a large amount of it for this slimey brown baby's birth. (Is this Sweet Pool?)
Tae told him this morning to get toilet paper, he went out saying he would, but instead he went to starbucks with the meme team. How the fuck did he forget.
He knew what he had to do...
He rose from his porcelain throne and ran... or really waddled awkwardly to victory with his pants around his ankles and his oddly hairless boney bottom slightly jiggling in the wind.
Children cried, women screamed, men screamed, their boners screamed, car crashes occured, all at the sight of the godly ass cheeks and what had dangled between them.. his genitals, Because every push just made his butthole look like it was talking. Nothing was coming out of that any time soon.
Yes, Aoba was still pushing, even on the run.
Akushima and the law would have his ass for this if it didn't turn out brown in the end.
Aoba picked up the pace as the meme team walked on by just stopping and looking at him go.
Mink bought donuts and he was just aobout to bite into it until that blue clitoris came scuttling past them. No one ate their donuts for the rest of that day.
Aoba finally made it to the store, but on his way back home he knew he couldn't make it. It was arriving. The poop was almost here.
He tried hard to hold it in but in the end his ass bellowed as it ripped for a good solid thirty seconds and what emerged from his anus made a loud autotuned splat on the pavement. (Every sound aoba's body makesis autotuned. The opening theme of the anime isn't even singing, it's aoba's stomach rumbling. Everyone is getting food. That's the opening.)
Aoba paused in mid-squat with the look of utter shock plastered on his face. The whole world stopped for that shit.
..Then slowly he made the biggest smile he had ever made.
THE ANGELS CHOIR SANG FROM THE HEAVENS AS HE TURNED AROUND AND LOOKED AT WHAT THE HEAVENLY BEAMS OF LIGHT WERE GAZING UPON, SPOTLIGHTING ALL OF ITS TRUE GLORY AND BEAUTY FOR THE WORLD TO WITNESS.
A neatly placed electric blue shit. Right on some street art. Bright as day.
It looked luminescent.
Aoba ripped open his bag of toilet paper and contently wiped his ass. He was pleased with himself. He was pleased with the world.
He pulled up his pants and strolled on home, he had completed his quest.
And the world was still stuck looking at that probably radioactive god shit.
The end.