A/N - This is my first Grey/s Anatomy fic, I hope it doesn't suck. Feedback is always appreciated! Thanks for reading!
Hell yeah, I remember aurora
Hell yeah, I remember aurora
All this time
Hell yeah, I remember aurora
Take me now
You spin the sun around
And the stars will all come out
Then we turn and come back down
Turn and come back down
- "Aurora" by the Foo Fighters -
Somewhere between the newly instituted Waffle Sundays and living together and working together and barely breathing in the same air without each other, things change. It is, after all, practically inevitable-they have been ride or die for each other not since the very beginning, but at least since they were the remaining two out of five. Inevitable.
The change doesn't happen all at once, or even in an obvious way. It's just, every now and then, Meredith will look up from helping Ellis cut her waffle into little pieces, Maggie is helping Bailey with a coloring book, and Alex is braiding Zola's hair and telling her a story about the little boy who refused to let go of the Storm Trooper action figure Alex gave him while he recovered from his appendix surgery. Zola is laughing and looking at Alex adoringly, probably the same way Meredith is gazing at him if she were to see herself in the mirror at that moment.
As for Alex, he also tried to deny it for a long time. But there comes a time in everyone's life when they must admit that their feelings are not just about the friendship they've carefully constructed over the years. There was one night in particular where Meredith came home completely exhausted but supremely satisfied. She had completed a long, difficult procedure that was not expected to go well, but as usual, she rocked it. Meredith had this look in her eyes like she could do anything, and Alex realized he kind of loved that about her. Her confidence; her readiness to take on the world even after everything the world has thrown at her. He digs it.
Most of the time they stick to their own respective bedrooms, but when they do fall asleep together, Alex is mostly amused by her snoring–he can't help it; she's adorable. And sometimes, Meredith wakes up and studies Alex's profile, and she can't shake the thought that there's an attractive–okay, hot–man in her bed. Or that she's in a hot man's bed. She tries to ignore the always-gnawing guilt—Derek's gone. She's not cheating on him. Plus, he'd want her to be with someone who always had her back—right? He liked Alex well enough. Her rationalizations got out of hand from time to time.
Of course, the sun rises and they wake up way too early for most normal humans and take on the day and the night has been forgotten. But every now and then, it's not forgotten. And they both remember. They remember everything.
Meredith is knitting. She's not knitting well, or even paying particularly close attention to what she's doing, but she's knitting. She tries to recall what Izzie taught her about it back when they did stuff like that together. Why is she knitting? That's actually a good question.
Before she has time to ponder the question further, the front door opens, and a spectacularly tired Alex drags himself inside the house. He nods at Meredith, and puts his bag and keys on the kitchen table, although Meredith always tells him how she'd rather he place his belongings anywhere other than that location.
"What's with you? You look like you're about to pass out."
Alex falls down on the couch next to Meredith. "Long day. Totally routine inguinal hernia repair, with too many complications. Almost lost a 7-year-old girl. But she pulled through."
Meredith nods, and Alex snorts. "What are you, 80? It's a Friday night and you're knitting, Mer. What the hell?"
"Yes, I am knitting. Maggie took the kids to play miniature golf, and Amelia was supposed to come over to watch Rosemary's Baby with me, but Owen's mom is having a little dinner party for
Megan, so… that's where everyone is. And I am here. Knitting."
Alex not-so-gently takes all the knitting out of Meredith's hands and throws it on the coffee table.
"Hey! I was… doing that."
"Well, now you're not. You're feeling bummed about Riggs and I get that. But now it's time to stop being an old lady and go outside."
Meredith sighs. "I'm not that bummed, Alex. You know I'm not. He's a good guy. It would have been interesting. But the long lost love of his life is back, so good for him. It's better this way, really. I'm fine on my own. I'm a mother! I have three children. They are my priority."
"Okay, but have you considered that everything you just said is a pile of crap?"
Meredith punches Alex's arm. He feigns pain.
"It is, though," he continue. "You're a great mom, everyone knows that. But there is no substitute for companionship. For love. For sex."
"Are you seriously lecturing me on companionship? On love? Look at you. Jo—
Alex interrupts. "Jo and DeLuca are ducking into empty hallways when they think we aren't looking and making dumb faces at each other even when they think we are. She's moved on. Whatever."
Meredith has in fact noticed that Jo and Andrew have been giggling and finding excuses to touch each other whenever possible. She likes Jo, but she kind of hates her for breaking Alex's heart, whether Alex would admit it or not. They were going to get married, after all.
"Have you moved on?"
"I guess. I don't want her back anymore, at least–I get that I really messed this relationship up. The rest of the chicks, yeah, I played a part but they were all nuts. This time, I went nuts."
"Well… at least you haven't peed on my couch yet."
Alex shakes his head. Meredith is never going to let that one go.
"Anyway. Get up. Go change. We're going out."
"Where? And why do I have to change? I'm perfectly fine with my knitting, thank you."
"Screw the knitting. Wear something hot; we're going to get you laid tonight."
Meredith opens her mouth to protest, but Alex has that look on his face. The one where Meredith already understands that she can argue about this with him for as long as she wants, but his stubborn ass is not going to give in. So she sighs again and begrudgingly gets off the comfortable couch.
10 minutes later, she comes out in a dress she hasn't worn in years and does a little spin for Alex, who had just been seconds away from falling asleep. He's awake now, and whistles appreciatively. Meredith curtsies, laughing. Alex excuses himself and hurriedly changes into some nicer jeans and a button down shirt. Even though he looked like he was going to pass out on the kitchen floor when he first came home, he now looks reinvigorated.
"Where should we go? Joe's?"
Meredith hopes Alex is kidding. "You want me to find someone to have sex with at the bar where I met my dead husband for the first time?"
Alex frowns. "Bad idea, huh?"
"Come on, we look hot, let's go somewhere nice. Like adults. I'll even let you pay for dinner."
"Oh, how generous," Alex says, pretending to be annoyed.
In the car, Meredith throws a bag of Cheerios, an iPad, and a coloring book into the back seat so Alex can sit in the front. They happily chat about the hospital, the weather, the kids–carefully avoiding the subject of Riggs and Jo and anything and anyone that has to do with Riggs and Jo.
They decide to go to the Metropolitan Grill. Neither of them eat a lot of red meat, but they're both craving steak. Once seated, Alex orders a beer and Meredith gets herself a glass of Chardonnay.
"Wine tonight?" Alex asks as Meredith takes a sip.
"Yeah. I can be classy, you know."
Alex chuckles. "Yeah, you can. But I've also seen you gulp a beer faster than any man I know, including myself."
Meredith nods in agreement. "I can drink a beer with the rest of 'em, for sure. But I prefer to get drunk on a classier substance these days."
"It looks good on you," Alex says. "But I gotta say, it's pretty hot to see you destroy a dozen beers in a row."
Meredith feels herself blushing. Why? Alex has admitted similar things dozens of times. She knows he thinks she's attractive. So what? He's good looking, too. That's an obvious fact of their relationship. So why does her face feel like it's burning? Must be the wine. Probably the wine.
They order a ton of food and spend the balmy, rainy evening laughing, drinking, and eating. The whole reason why they went out–to get Meredith laid–seems to be forgotten, as Alex doesn't leave her side the entire night. After a luxurious and decadent dessert of chocolate mousse, they argue over the bill (eventually Alex gives in and lets Meredith pay it), and Alex leads her out with his hand on the small of her back. As soon as his hand makes contact, Meredith has to fight back a small gasp. It's not that Derek used to do that–he preferred to hold her hand instead–but it's just so… intimate. Like they have already been married for 10 years or something. It's bizarre. It's nice. It's confusing.
"Let's go somewhere else," Alex says. "I'm not ready to go home yet."
"Me, either, actually," Meredith says, but she's distracted. "Hey, look, it's Aurora Street. Isn't that your favorite Foo Fighters song?"
Alex is impressed that she remembers this random fact about him. "Yeah. I lived on this street, actually, when I first moved here. It was a crap hole of a place and it's not even near the hospital, but I kind of loved it anyway. There was something cool about living in a cess pool of a place when you're first starting out."
Meredith can't particularly relate, since she's always lived in her mom's house, but she appreciates learning something she didn't know about him. "Well, what should we do now?"
They debate going to a late movie, act like tourists at the Space Needle, take a long drive, but eventually settle on a small, dimly lit bookstore that Meredith's mom used to take her to as a kid.
"I can't believe this place is still here," Meredith says when they arrive. She's looking through the medical books, most of which were probably the same ones her mother sorted through decades ago.
They stop in the bookstore coffee shop and both get a latte, probably because they're exhausted and still a little drunk, and neither of them want the night to end any time soon. While sipping their coffees, they continue to browse the books. In the biography section, Meredith pulls out some random book on a University of Iowa wrestler named Dan Gable. She happily shows it to Alex.
"Look! Is this your mentor?"
Alex laughs, and takes the book from Meredith. "Yeah, I've heard of him. He was kind of legendary at our school. I think I'll buy this one, actually."
Meredith giggles and says, "Like you will ever have time to read that book."
"Probably not, but it's nice to have something about back home sometimes," Alex says. Meredith appreciates these little moments where Alex is wistful; when he misses his hometown and contemplates his troubled childhood. She's having some of those nostalgic feelings herself at the moment. She can almost hear her mother's voice reverberate through the bookstore. It's unsettling.
They look through the fiction section together, pointing out books they've read or think the other one should read. Alex picks up a newer Stephen King book, another book he won't have time to read. Meredith looks through every shelf carefully; Alex is amused by her intense focus.
"What are you looking for, Mer?"
Meredith shushes him and keeps looking through the shelves. Finally she stops at one and takes a book out. "This one," She says jubilantly, and holds out a book that looks ridiculous to Alex.
"The Time Traveler's Wife? Really? What's so great about that one?"
"This book is one of the things that got me through the Lou period," Meredith says. "I mean, of course I had the psych doctor, and you guys, and the kids, but this book was always there for me when I needed it. It's like it understood me or something. Her husband is always disappearing and coming back, and life goes on whether he's there or not. I... well, I related to it, and it helped. Not as much as you, of course." She smiles at him, as always grateful for the life he put on hold to take care of her kids and sleep by her bedside while she was recovering. It definitely took a toll on his relationship with Jo, even though Meredith tried hard to pull the strings and be the puppeteer for their love story.
Alex grabs Meredith's hand and has that look in his eyes. Meredith knows it, loves it, and appreciates it. It's the look he gets when he feels like he needs to protect or guard her. It can be overbearing sometimes, but it does in fact make her feel protected.
"Mer, when I came in to that room right after you'd been attacked, I lost my mind. I really thought we might lose you and I felt so... out of control. All the things you've been through and endured, I just couldn't believe you had to go through this, too."
"I know, Alex," she says, squeezing his hand. "I remember, and I know."
"I don't want to lose you like that again," he says. "I can't. I won't be able to take it."
Meredith recalls brand new doctor Alex from so many years ago, and what an ass he was. How can the man standing in front of her now be the same guy who called Izzie "Dr. Model" and posted pictures of her half naked all over the locker room? Meredith never would have thought he'd be her best friend, that she would need him in her life in order to survive it, more than she ever needed Cristina, she thinks sometimes. That version of Alex would never be this vulnerable. She credits herself for some of that growth, obviously.
"I can't promise you anything, Alex, because one day someone is fine and the next they die from the hiccups. Or there's a plane crash or a car accident or endless merry-go-rounds. But I promise, and I need you to promise, that you will always try. Always fight back. Never give up. All that corny crap."
Alex nods, and, apparently unable to verbally agree, grips her hand harder. Meredith notices how warm his hand is in hers. How handsome he's become after so many years of saving babies and growing as a person. He's always so supportive of her and helpful with the kids, and maybe...
"I want to ask you something," Meredith says slowly. Alex nods again. "Are things totally over with Jo? I mean, I know what you said earlier, but... "
"Yeah," Alex says quickly. "I mean, I still kind of love her, but she's moved on, and we weren't right for each other, I guess. I'm ready to move on."
Meredith gets it. She will always love Derek and there's no one and nothing that can change that. But she still has some room left in her heart. Maybe not for the love of her life, but the next best thing. A love she can depend on and will never have to question; a love that doesn't take off on a ferry ride and disappears forever.
What is going on here, exactly? Why is Meredith feeling so raw and vulnerable at this moment? She tries to shake off these intense feelings she's suddenly having for Alex; it doesn't make sense, he's her best friend! Ridiculous.
They continue to browse and giggle and poke fun at each other, but something is different. Maybe Meredith is considering this. Maybe she can't stop thinking about it. Maybe this could be the best thing that's ever happened to her. And... maybe not. Who can even tell if Alex feels the same way? Although from the way that he's looking at her, considering her, touching her, Meredith knows something is happening, and it may not be something they can stop.
On the short car ride back to the house, they are both quiet, considering, wondering. There's a sweetness in the air that they can sense, and they don't talk about. It's probably best not to acknowledge it, Meredith thinks. She is very, very good at denial.
When they finally get home, they have to be quiet since Maggie and the kids are asleep. They crash on the living room couch, which is where the whole night started. Meredith looks at her abandoned knitting on the table. This night is ending way different than how it started. Funny how that happens sometimes.
"Want a beer?" Meredith whispers.
"Nah, I think I've had enough for tonight," Alex whispers back, and there's really nothing left to say now. They are sitting way too close to each other. Meredith puts her head on his shoulder, and he sighs in a way that makes Meredith realize something needs to happen, and probably soon. But what about… well, what about everything?
Meredith decides that she can be a grown-up, and she will be the one to address this. For once in her life, she will put it out there. No more secrets. Plus, she has some leftover confidence from earlier in the night; she feels sexy in her form-fitting dress and can still feel the warmth from the wine and coffee she drank earlier.
"You're my person," she blurts out. Alex looks at her… not strangely, because he knows exactly what she's saying, but with a curious intrigue.
"Cristina's your person," Alex says softly.
"Yes, she is-well, she was-but you're my person. Not the person who lives in another country that I get to talk to for a few hours a week. The person who lives in my house, who helps with my children, who I work side by side with on a daily basis. You're my person, Alex!"
Alex nods. "That doesn't mean I can't be more than your person. You're not imagining this, Mer. I feel it, too. And we can ignore it forever, but eventually it's going to catch up with us. Hell, it has caught up with us. It's here."
Oh, thank goodness, he does feel the same way. She's not so crazy after all. They are really talking about this. All these years, everything that's happened, disappearing wives with cancer, dead husbands who end up at crappy hospitals, the highs and lows of life. They've been through it all. Maybe they can do this?
Meredith takes a deep breath, and finally says what she's been thinking all night. "But we know what's going to happen already! We'll get closer, it'll be great, and then one of us will get freaked out by something and it'll trigger our dark places. You'll back off and move out and maybe get another job with Dr. Butthole just so you don't have to be near me. Or I'll start thinking about husband ghosts and how I need someone the kids can depend on and I'll become cold and distant until we inevitably have some kind of disastrous break up where we never speak to each other again. And Alex, I can't afford that. I can't afford you not being in my life. You are too damn important to me. I can't–"
"Don't be dumb, Mer. I'll never work for Dr. Butthole again, that you can depend on."
Meredith chuckles and hits him. Alex grabs her hand, and the familiar warmth and comfort of it calms her down a little.
"You're right. Those things can and may happen. But we're older now. Our friendship can withstand this. Maybe… maybe we owe it to ourselves to try."
Meredith looks into Alex's earnest eyes and knows he's right. If she was honest with herself, she'd admit that the thought of being with Alex romantically occasionally passes through her mind, but she's always dismissed it because their friendship was so much more important than a quick make-out in an on-call room or a one-night stand they'd both regret for years. Falling in love with him was not something she ever planned on doing, but... maybe this is what their terrible romantic disasters have been leading to. Maybe they had to go through all of that to come to this moment. Of course, Meredith has to think to herself, if Derek was still alive, she would be with him forever. But he's not, and Alex is one of the brightest lights in her sometimes dim existence.
He loves her kids, and they love him. They have all these shared experiences that have brought them as close as two human beings can be, practically. Maybe it is time.
Alex leans over while Meredith is deep into this existential crisis and gives her a small kiss. It's an introductory kiss and it's not everything Meredith has ever dreamed of or whatever, but it's good. So good it makes the butterflies in her stomach start flying through the rest of her body.
It's definitely time to try.
Alex pulls away and looks intently at her. Meredith lets every single emotion she's feeling sink into her brain, and then leans in to kiss him again. This time it's the kind of kiss they make movies about; the kind of kiss poets and writers have been describing in literature for thousands of years. It's good, so good. And it's even better with Alex's hands in her hair and her hands pulling at his shirt and both of them needing each other in a way they've never been able to comprehend or express.
"Hey… if we don't stop, things are going to get way too pornographic in here," Meredith breathes when they manage to pull away.
"Well, I can't say that would be disappointing," Alex says, and she laughs.
"It wouldn't be. But…"
"Kids are here. I get it. To be continued," he says, and kisses her again, and it's so good it almost knocks the wind out of her.
"I'm going to bed," Meredith says when she catches her breath.
"Is that an invitation?" Alex says, but not in the frat brother way he used to talk to her, but in a respectful, almost hopeful kind of way.
"Yes… actually it is," Meredith says, and he grins as they both get up and walk the short distance to the bedroom, where they fall in bed together fully clothed, wrapped around each other, wanting so much more but knowing and appreciating the tantalizing feeling of waiting until they can take it further, explore, and unlock the secrets that have been kept in their hearts for so long.
This is the easy part; the kissing and the honesty and the excitement of something new. What comes after will be the challenge. But for now, they are ready. They are at least ready to try.
Take me now
You spin the sun around
And the stars will all come out
Then we turn and come back down
Turn and come back down
On and on and on aurora
Wait for everyone
Wait till the last one's done
Take me now
You spin the sun around
And the stars will all come out
Then we turn and come back down
Turn and come back down
Turn and come back down
On and on and on and on...