He wanted it to end.
He wanted it all to go away.
It was building up inside him, tearing him wide open, giving him no mercy, nor any chance to escape it.
It was always with him, the guilt, the hate, the love, the agony, the pleasure, the sadness, and all his other feelings, raging inside him, clearly trying, wanting to kill him, to make him suffer.
But when he looked at the creature, the beautiful, kind, and most of all, gentle, creature, it all disappeared, just like when he looked at the other one, the tall and happy fucker.
Yes, Karkat loved Gamzee with whole his heart, no doubt about that, but when he looked at this fragile boy beneath him, his heart raced just as much as when he looked at Gamzee, and that confused him just as much as it made him unsure, and guilty, for a crime he hadn't committed… Yet.
Just relax. It's nothing special... It's… It's just a fucking boy!
Karkat shook his head fiercely and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, trying to calm himself and none less his beating heart.
Though it didn't last long before he opened his eyes, he wanted to look at the boy beneath him, study him.
No!
Once more Karkat shook his head and pulled away from the bed, but almost stumbled backwards, hitting the table.
Luckily he regained his balance by placing his hand by the desk.
That was too fucking close.
If the boy, who had offered him to stay while he and Gamzee was searching for a new apartment, woke up to a pair of red eyes with permanent circles under them, staring at him, only inches away, what wouldn't he be thinking?
He would probably be scared like hell. Karkat had been having the feeling he was slightly afraid of him, so what if he woke up, staring at what he was afraid of?
The raven sighed and closed his eyes "Fuck this shit… So hard"
Kicking the desk was a tempting thing to do, but it would probably just cause even more problems, and he would probably get the bad eyes from the boy so why bother?
Wait, was he thinking about what that boy would think about him…?
No fucking way!
Instead of kicking or hitting anything, Karkat chose to keep it inside and instead hurt himself by bore his nails into his palms.
And to make it all even more ridiculous, Karkat couldn't even remember the boy's name and that made him feel so pathetically stupid.
It was something with T, at least he was sure of that, but the whole name was a mystery to him, even though Gamzee had mentioned him a lot of times, but it had always slipped his mind, because who would ever think that he was going to talk to the fucker anyway?
It had all turned out rather different than he had expected, not in any good ways at all, and yet, how could he not help but adore and want the kind boy?
Karkat lifted his hand, slowly rubbing his forehead, a weak try to make the upcoming headache, vanish.
Slowly, minutes later, he opened his eyes and lowered his hand.
His eyes wandered to the boy once more, his expression turned softer and he felt his body relax, not that it made it all anything better, it actually made him feel worse.
He had to do something about it.
It wasn't his style to sit for himself, letting himself suffer from his feelings.
Karkat took a deep breath and walked across the floor, as silent as possibly, luckily the floor weren't made of wood so it didn't creak.
When he reached the bed his heart started to race faster, pounding harder and louder, making him afraid that the boy would wake up by the sound of his beating heart.
Of course he wouldn't wake up by Karkat's pounding heart, he knew that already.
Yet, he wasn't so sure because when he leaned down over the figure beneath him in the bed, his heart rose to a new level, pounding harder, louder, making his throat tighten and he could feel a kick in his stomach.
His whole body was trembling when he placed a hand on each side of the sleeping beauty and a knee on the edge of the bed, to avoid falling and wake him up.
Karkat looked at the figure; he was so close now, only a few inches. All he now had to do was leaning down and kiss him.
A single and briefly kiss wouldn't wake him up, would it?
Karkat shrugged all the unpleasant thoughts that ran through his mind of what would happen if the boy would wake up, if Gamzee found out, off and shivered, before looking down at the figure once more.
So close now, so damn close.
Karkat closed his eyes briefly to take a deep breath before he leaned down and pressed his own chapped lips against the soft ones.
When their lips met, Karkat felt a chill all the way through his spine, this was fantastic, the lips were just as soft, just as perfect shaped as he had imagined they would be, there was no way he would want to let go of this.
He closed his eyes, pressing his lips harder against the other ones, but seconds later he felt something push up against his chest.
Karkat didn't bother to open his eyes and check what it was, it was first when he heard someone mutter words that he couldn't understand, he opened his eyes, and to his fear he saw a pair of hazel eyes stare directly into his own red ones.
Without hesitation he pulled away from the boy and dried his mouth with the back of his hand, not knowing what to do.
The eyes the boy gave him made him blush, that confused, innocent look.
He just stood there, staring back at the innocent looking boy with the back of his hand, covering his mouth.
For how long they were staring at each other, Karkat had no idea, it felt like for hours, but it probably weren't more than a couple of minutes.
"I…"
Karkat's heart skipped a beat when he heard the boy talk, but it was also the signal he had waited for and without further hesitation he grabbed his jacket, opened the door and hurried out, as fast as possible.
Tavros continued to stare at the door, after Karkat, minutes after his leave, not knowing if he should be happy or if he should be sad and confused.
What would Gamzee not think if he'd found out?
Tavros closed his eyes, trying not to recall the kiss, to avoid blushing any further, all he wanted to, was forgetting it.
When he would wake up this morning he could just tell himself, fool himself that what had happened was only a dream.