A/N: Ok, so this is my very first piece. Reviews and comments are very much appreciated. There will be 3 more chapters added to this story that are already written. If I get any interest in the story I'll finish it. It's rated M for later chapters. And just a reminder, I don't own Glee or anything realted to that and yadda, yadda, yadda. So, without further ado, please enjoy!
Chapter 1: That Special Release
The two of them look so happy together. How can I put myself in the middle of that? But I love him. Every time I look at him my stomach flips. When he smiles my heart melts. When he sings it takes every drop of self-control for me to not throw myself into his arms. Yes, I'm sure I love Finn. But he's with Quinn right now. I hurt him terribly when I got with Puck. He would never be able to forgive me. But wait…Quinn cheated on him too with Puck and he forgave her. I don't even get what he sees in her, I'm much better than that. Well, that's what my friends tell me at least. I don't believe them though. I know I'm an excellent singer and quite an amazing dancer but I guess that's not enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not kind enough. I'm not enough for anyone. Just look at Quinn, she's so beautiful. I could never be that pretty. Her perfect hair, flawless skin, toned body, amazing curves, delicate hands, kissable lips…NO! I can't have those thoughts again, not now. Ugh, why do I think about things like this at school where I can't get any release? Oh well, only one more hour until I can go home and feel the ice cold sharpness against my skin once again.
"Hey Rach, you okay?" A familiar voice broke her of her trance like state. Everyone else had already cleared out of the choir room. She hadn't even noticed that practice was over.
"Oh, yea, I'm fine. Sorry, I've just got a lot on my mind with Nationals and everything."
"Okay. Just making sure my only competition isn't going crazy on me." Kurt teased.
"Of course not. And I wouldn't consider me your competition; I'm at a much higher level than you are." Rachel replied, in a joking manner.
"Yea, sure you are. Don't let all this pressure get to your head Rach; we need you to be on top of your game for Nationals if we expect to win."
"I won't. Don't worry about me."
"As you wish. Anyway, I've got to meet Blaine for coffee so I'll see you tomorrow!"
"Yea, see ya Kurt." Rachel sat there for another minute before sighing, grabbing her bag and heading out the door. She couldn't wait to be home and lock herself in her room. She could picture it now; the shinning stainless steel against her tan skin, the thin line of crimson forming as she moved the blade, the small drops of blood leaving her skin and taking all her pain with them. The thought of purging her body of all emotions sent shivers down her spine.
Rachel opened the door to her house slowly so as not to disturb her fathers. They were usually home and watching their shows when she got back from Glee club practice. She walked through the living room and straight up to her bedroom. They didn't even acknowledge her walking past the television, like usual.
They never notice me come in. They never notice me at all. They never come to any of my performances anymore. Am I not good enough for them anymore either?
Rachel placed her bag on her desk and walked over to her bed. She threw herself into the soft mass of pillows and blankets while reaching out towards her nightstand. She opened the drawer and pulled out a small, jeweled box. Rachel sat up on her bed with her legs crossed Indian style. Slowly, she opened the box and removed the sparkling blade from its discreet hiding place. She held it between her fingers, staring at her reflection in the sharp weapon. She placed it gingerly down on the bed next to her. Her fingers trembled as they reached for her stockings to remove them. She knew that cutting herself wasn't the answer but it was all she could do. It was the only way she could make her pain go away, if only for a little while. She stared at the insides of her thighs. They were covered in lines of varying sizes and shades of red. Rachel ran one finger from her knee to where her leg met her torso. She could remember each slice she made into her skin. She could recall each and every emotion the cut temporarily erased from her head. She continued to stare in awe at her legs. She picked up the razor and touched it to the delicate skin of her inner left thigh. She pressed down just enough to watch a small droplet escape from the corner. Her fingers pulled the blade down leaving a trail of blood trickling down her leg. This cut was for the love that will never be reciprocated by Finn. She placed the blade one inch from the first cut pressing slightly harder and making it twice the length. This was for the feeling of inadequacy she felt around the other girls in the Glee club. Once more she placed the blade to her thigh pressing even harder than before. She pulled the blade down creating a deep cut three inches long. The dark blood ran down her thigh and landed against the blade that she held still at the end of the cut. This one was for the feelings she doesn't want to admit.
I can't feel this way. I love Finn. He's a boy. I like boys. I like kissing boys. I would assume I would like to have sex with boys since I admire their figures. But why do I keep looking at Quinn and Santana and Brittany with lust? Every time I look at them I get all warm and picture them in their short cheerleading skirts. I imagine what their curves would look like when there's nothing to hide them. I want to explore every inch of their bodies with my hands. I want to learn every curve and little feature. I…I can't think this way. I know being gay isn't wrong, love is love. I just don't think that's what's right for me. I want a family. I want a husband. I want to be loved. But I can't help but like what I see whenever a hot girl walks past me. I used to think it was simply jealousy of their perfect bodies but now, I'm not so sure. Not like my feelings would matter anyway. I'm not good enough for Finn or any guy for that matter so what makes me think I would be good enough for a girl? I'm just not good enough for anybody. Why do I even bother anymore? If singing was enough then I'd be happy right now. I'm tired of putting on this fake strong front in school. I smile and act like I'm so confident with myself. It's all a lie. Most days I just want to curl up into a hole and never come out again. There isn't even anybody I can talk to about this. I don't have any really close friends. I have Kurt and Mercedes but they wouldn't understand. They think I'm this super confident diva with a perfect life. Maybe I can talk to Mr. Shue. No, that would be too awkward. It doesn't even matter anyway. Nobody would take me seriously. Wait, what about Miss Pillsbury? She's the guidance counselor, she has to listen to and believe me. Yea, maybe she'll be able to help me. I can't do this cutting thing anymore. Summer's almost here and I want to be able to wear my cute dresses again. Well, not like that would matter since no one would notice anyway. Meh, oh well. It's worth a shot though. The logical part of me is saying this needs to stop. So it's settled, tomorrow I'll stop by Miss Pillsbury's office and talk to her.
Rachel sighed loudly and slowly got off the bed. She walked over to her bathroom and wrapped some tissue around her leg to stop the bleeding. She washed the blade off and placed it carefully back into its box. She changed into pajama pants and a tee shirt then headed downstairs to help prepare dinner. Once again she had to plaster a fake smile on her face. Not for long, she thought. Tomorrow I'll try to make a change.