Job Hunting
At one time in the history of the Mushroom Kingdom, there was a koopa named Phil. He died. This story has nothing to do with him. Now, on to the events that actually matter… slightly.
"Well Mr. Kooplé, your resume is excellent, you answered well on our preliminary interview, and your schmoosing skills," said Kamek, who was sticking a recently acquired $20 bill into his robe pocket, "are wonderful. You seem to be a perfect candidate for our army." He folded his hands and laid them on his dark wooden desk.
The koopa smiled and nodded. "Thank you sir. For the record, this castle is much more modern than I expected, what with the pools of magma, ominously dark clouds, and generally foreboding atmosphere."
"I've been told that by some of the shy guys we've had in here."
"Um, your ad… didn't exactly say what entry level soldiers actually do. I haven't had any prior training, and-"
"Oh, no, there's no training required," the magikoopa laughed. "And your assignment in the Koopa Troop is entirely dependent on your abilities. If you're strong, we can use that, if you can drive, we can use that, if you're severely depressed, we can even use that."
"…I'm getting very confused." Kooplé muttered.
"Well," Kamek said, "I'm going to send you in to Lord Bowser for his interview. His… 'office'… is the first door on the left."
"Okay," he nodded. As he took his first step, a thwomp dropped down and flattened the metal chair he had been sitting in a fraction of a second before. "HOLY CRAP!" The floor underneath the chair dropped out from under it, dropping the now scrap into a pit of lava. "Oh my gosh! What the heck was that?"
Kamek smiled politely. "The army is running short on bullet bills and we don't really want to be wasteful. That chair will be made into two bullet bills that we will send to another galaxy."
"Why not just buy more?"
"Inflation has been very hard on Lord Bowser." Kamek replied solemnly.
"I'm really having second thoughts about this job."
"Oh, please at least have the interview. You're the first one to join the army without being drafted at least since the '90s!"
"Can't imagine why!" Kamek frowned hit a button on his desk. Kooplé felt the ground beneath him lurch forward. "What the-" He frantically tried to find why he was moving when he glanced at the platform he was standing on. "Is- is this a roller coaster? Made of… bones?"
"Yeah… we had that installed recently."
"WHY?"
"I'm not really sure…" Kamek admitted. "I was busy doing important business when it was being built. Confidentially, Lord Bowser's common sense is less than infinite, if you catch my drift."
"Why do you work for him, then? It doesn't really- AAA!" The bonecoaster plummeted, and Kooplé narrowly avoided incineration as he jumped over a geyser of molten rock. However, his ride ran out of track and hurtled him into a trench filled with lava. "Oh no! I'm gonna die! What will my aunt's friend's next-door-neighbor's cousin think? Admittedly, probably not much, but I've got a wife and kids and it's amazing that I'm falling slowly enough to have time to say all of this dialo- OWW!" But instead of dying Gollumesque, Kooplé hit the lava and bounced abnormally high into the air, much to his own surprise.
"Hmm, punctual." Bowser grunted as the flaming koopa landed in front of him. "So, you're um… Kooplé. Kooplé? What kind of stupid name is that?"
"Owwwwwww…" moaned the burnt koopa.
"No no no. I'm sick of all my troops having names that relate to their species or military position. From now on, your name is, er… Fernando."
"Why?"
"YOU DARE QUESTION ME?"
"I just wanna go home!" Kooplé cried. "This place is a death trap! No job is worth this!"
Bowser looked shocked. "Every job is worth this. Have you ever met a postal worker who hasn't been nearly crushed, incinerated, or crushed?"
"What? That makes no sense! And you said crushed twice."
"That was on PURPOSE!"
"Eeep!" Kooplé squeaked.
"Or maybe it wasn't. You'll never know. Now how about that interview."
"I don't really think-"
"Come on, what's the worst that could happen?"
Hmm… true, he thought, it's not like there's anything innately bad about answering questions. Plus, I have no idea what insanity they'll be using to get me out of here. But then again, based on my experience so far, I have no idea what the worst possible thing that could happen is. I'm scared.
"Uh, I think I'll just lea-"
"Excellent!" Bowser exclaimed. "Okay, first question:"
"I get the feeling that you're going to ask these questions no matter what I say."
"Can you dance?" the king finished.
"Dance?" Kooplé repeated.
"Dance."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"YOU DARE QUESTION ME?"
Kooplé shrank back, partially retreating into his now charred shell.
"Well that's fine." Bowser chuckled good-naturedly. "Diversity and curiosity are important traits in my army. Dancing is important to certain koopas patrolling the kingdom, as they must stop whatever they are doing to dance along to the occasional electronic vocal riff in the background music."
"The what in the what?"
"So, can you dance?"Bowser asked again.
"Um, I guess. I still don't see how that helps."
"Neither do I… yet. I've got my best guys on it." Bowser said, confident and smug, his arms crossed. "Next question: do you or have you ever shown suicidal tendencies?"
"What? No! Is this some sort of psych evaluation?"
"Well… not as such, no. You know how in America people in the military will get sent to Siberia if they make someone high up angry?"
"Yeah, those Americans…"
"Well, in my army, we send low level koopas and ones that make me angry to certain areas and give them orders not to stop walking no matter what. They just have to either walk straight off a cliff or defy orders and be executed by superiors."
Kooplé was disgusted. "That's awful! How do you continuously have a stream of soldiers if you slaughter them like that?"
"It ain't easy, I'll tell you that much. But we get the job done."
"And what is it that you and your army do? I'm still a little iffy on that."
"I'LL BE ASKING THE QUESTIONS HERE!"
"Eeep!" he squeaked again.
"And also answering them. I'm glad you asked."
"Do you have a temper problem or something?"
"My doctors say I do, but I had a law passed saying that I don't. And I don't question the law." He paused before adding, "Unless I feel like it." He shrugged his massive armored shoulders. "To answer your question: we do what I say, no matter how stupid or illogical the order sounds at the time. You do what I want, when I want, where I want, how I want, and who I want… well, except that last one. Unless I say so.
"Most of my orders tend to relate to the destruction of the plumber, Mario Mario."
"A plumber?"
"Yes."
"That seems kind of silly."
"He wields a massive hammer, shoots fire from his hands, and will stop at nothing to murder your family, vandalize and destroy your property, abuse animals, and STEAL THOSE BLEEPING FIRE FLOWERS! DOES HE EVER STOP TO THINK THAT MAYBE I HAD A REASON FOR LOCKING THEM IN THOSE QUESTION MARK BLOCKS? MAYBE TO KEEP THEM SAFE? AAARRRGGGHHHH!" He breathed flames all around him, decimating the room and sending Kooplé flying back into his shell.
"Fernando? Why are you in your shell?" Bowser asked calmly and politely.
Kooplé slowly peeked outside of his shell and, to his surprise saw daylight. Bowser's flames somehow managed to burn down several stone walls and created a passageway to the outside of the castle. He sighed of relief and ran straight out. "Yes! Safety at last! I will never again take for granted- OW!" A plumber garbed in red and blue had just jumped on top of his head. "Hey, buddy, watch it!" The plumber, without so much as a hint of remorse, grabbed Kooplé, still in his shell, and launched him forward.
Spinning wildly, the koopa could barely make out a gruff shout from the distance. "I hope you'll consider our offer!"