He was shocked. It was as if his world had been torn apart in one night and now he didn't know what to do or who to turn to. There was no one, he was the only one and now he was gone. It was bitter this feeling. He had known that the only conclusion to it all would be this and yet somehow it was worse than he had imagined. Emotions were terrible things that screamed inside you to be free and when they were haunted you so all you would feel was their presence until the day you died. He knew it would happen, that is why he fought so hard for so long to make it all stop. He knew he could never get over it if the worse happened and now the worse had happened. He was gone, dead and buried. He had stayed by the grave for a long time. No one cared, no one came to take him away, there was no one to worry for him like there had been once. Once people had cared but he had shunned them and now it was too late. Life was misery, after all that he had seen and lived through he knew that. Life was nothing but a pathetic series of events taking you from one unbearable situation to the next and all you could do was hold on and try not to drown in the sea of your emotions.
He came home to an empty house, all was dark and cold, not how he thought he had left it. Impossible of course. It never changed, nothing about his life seemed to change anymore. He sat down and considered lighting a fire but decided against it. The housekeeper would be in tomorrow, she could do it. Instead he pulled a blanket from the chair and wrapped around his aching body. A body that screamed for the one thing it could have and yet remembered. Youth. He remembered his youth. There was a time when he had been happy, it was a long time ago and even that had ended in disaster. He had not been careful then and he did not know it until he had seen the coffin lowered into the earth, but he had never been careful. Not nearly careful enough. He didn't know how to deal with his future. The darkness surrounded him and caressed his body with its silky, shadowy fingers, soothing him to sleep, but he would not, he was too scared to dream, to remember what he had lost. The night ached on and still he did not sleep. A few times he thought he heard his voice and he started but the room was empty. The thought did not scare him, it enthralled him. He found he was at an age now when what he once thought impossible, he now would welcome. Some comfort perhaps for a childless man. He thought of all the women he had known, how he had longed for love and dismissed it at the same time. He liked children, admired their honesty and wondered at their loyalty. There were no children around him now. The thought brought a tear to his eye but he had never shed any and was not about to start now. Still, one tear would not hurt. He let it roll down his cheek, it traced the lines and fell away, he did not stop it. Maybe it was time.
Time to let go of what he held inside for so long and what now had come back to haunt him. He had loved her. Loved her until she consumed his thoughts and his body ached for her. She had loved him too, he was sure of that but it was not meant to be and she had left him. Not to the arms of another man but that was no consolation. He had hated her for it and yet he knew that if he should have seen her again he would have made her his. That is why he could not go on, he had loved and been betrayed. He did not know any other way to deal with such strong emotion, he had seen how love had nearly destroyed him and he could not take that chance again. But then he had arrived and he grew to love him. Not in the same way of course but still it was love. This feeling know was the feeling he had felt before except now he was old and did not know how to recover, that is if he had ever really recovered which he was almost certain that he hadn't. this loneliness consumed him. There was one solution to this last great mystery, only one way out, he had to let go. Had to admit that he was human that he had loved and lost and had been changed by the presence of another human being. It pained him but it was the only way.
He rose and walked out into the dawn air of his garden. All was peace and tranquillity and he longed to be a part of it. He thought of what would happen to this house, the house that he thought would save him and he shuddered. He could feel change. Maybe there would be a child to take his place, the concept was not an impossible one, he had not always been alone in his bed. But that was of no consequence, the house was just that and it would remain just that. He thought of the world and what he had achieved and he smiled as he remembered, it had meant something. He had to say the words and that would be an end to it. He unfolded his arms and prepared to say the name of the woman he had loved. It was no grand gesture but it would suffice, he whispered into the coming wind her name, and he told her he loved her, that he had never stopped and that he was sorry. Another tear rolled slowly down his cheek, another name formed on his sleeps and he fell to his knees on the dew soaked grass.
"I love you John Watson" with those simple words that he had suppressed for so long he fell to the grass and could feel the water seep into his dry and aged skin. He could feel himself being lifted but he did not open his eyes, he could feel her hands and see his smile and he knew that finally - it was all over.