A/N: This is a crack!fic through and through. For those of you unfamiliar with the NFA, we have a Caption!This game in which we make silly captions for various screencaps. An ongoing theme in these captions is superglue, i.e. Tony's use of said material. A few mentions of it in the show were enough for us to turn it into this kind of craziness. So that's what this is, and it stars the entire MCRT, plus Vance and Jackie Vance.
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS and I'm not making money off my stories, and I'm sure the real owners are glad I don't have any input since this story reads like a fever dream.
Too Far
by Enthusiastic Fish
It was a normal day at NCIS.
AT FIRST!
Tony was running around with his omnipresent supply of superglue, like usual. ...but he didn't have too many people to use it on at the moment. Vance was having trouble getting a full staff at headquarters because of Tony and there was an omnipresent scent of acetone in the bullpen. It was getting harder than ever to play a really good superglue prank...so whatever he did had to be the best ever.
Then, there it was. A thump signaling yet another employee passing out from the fumes. Tony was sure Vance would call an end to all this eventually, but he hadn't been seen outside his office in days. It was said that it was the only place in the building safe from the superglue, and it was true. Not even Tony was that dumb. He knew which side his bread was buttered on. ...and it wasn't buttered with superglue. That would be gross.
So, gleefully, he ran over to investigate who had become the latest acetone victim.
Timothy McGee. He'd forgotten his gas mask that morning, apparently.
An evil grin crossed Tony's features. Tim's eyes fluttered open for a moment and he groggily looked at Tony before succumbing once more.
"Hey, Ziva!" Tony called.
No response.
"Ziva!" he shouted.
Ziva looked up at him and glared.
"Hey, the Probie just passed out. I think we should take him up to the roof and get him some fresh air."
"The roof?"
"It's a change of scene," Tony said, hoping that Ziva's gas mask didn't have a perfect seal.
She shrugged and got up. Grabbing one leg and then the other, she helped Tony drag the helpless NCIS agent to the elevator. Tony grinned to himself. This was going to be so great.
"Where are you two taking McGee?"
"To the roof, Gibbs," Ziva said. "McGee forgot his mask."
"Tony..." Gibbs warned.
"You wanna help, Boss?" Tony asked with a wheedling tone. He knew that the fumes had been getting to Gibbs, too...and he was too proud to wear a mask.
"Sure."
Inside, Tony exulted. Since this would likely be his last great prank with the superglue, it would have to be his best...and it was well on its way to becoming that.
They reached the open air, and Tony knew he had only moments to get Ziva and Gibbs back inside before their heads would start to clear. Tim had apparently got a good dose of it because his eyes opened only for a moment before he passed out yet again.
"Thanks. I'll just stay out here with McGee. You can go in and get back to work finishing those reports."
"What reports?" Ziva asked. "We have not worked any cases in days."
"Oh...uh...that report on..." Think, DiNozzo! Think! "...on how you're going to kick my trash if I don't stop with the superglue...but I haven't pulled a prank in days. The acetone, you know."
He grinned. ...and then, celebrated again as both Ziva and Gibbs agreed with him and went back inside. Tony turned his attention to his hapless teammate.
Perfect.
He bent over and began pulling off Tim's shoes and socks.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Vance looked at his watch and sighed. He would have to leave. Jackie was getting insistent that he stop spending all his days in his office. He should try to come home every once in a while. After all, he wasn't supposed to be living at NCIS and surely he could tolerate a moment or two in the bullpen air to get outside. She'd been sympathetic, but since he hadn't been home in a month, she was beginning to get impatient. Vance couldn't understand why.
...but he had a plan. It would involve some finagling on his part, but he had figured out how to get out of his office without getting into the rest of the building. It would only be another day before he could officially declare possession and use of superglue an arrestible offense...and then...oh, sweet and joyous and rapturous day, the superglue, the acetone...it would all be gone...and the great Superglue War of 2012 would soon be a distant memory.
...but for now, Vance was getting ready to test his drainpipe-shimmying skills. It had been a while.
Then, he discovered a flaw in his plan.
His window didn't open.
Well, too bad. He picked up his desk chair and broke all the glass out. It was late and Jackie had begun throwing words around like divorce and bazooka. He wasn't quite sure of the context of bazooka, but when Jackie started talking about weaponry, he listened.
As he cleared out the shards of glass, he started to hear something.
Help! Help! Help! Help!
He wasn't sure, but Vance thought it sounded like someone calling for help. He decided to test his theory.
"That sounds like someone calling for help," he said loudly.
It is! Help!
"Okay. So it is."
Vance was ready to start shimmying when he realized that it wasn't the appropriate response. Maybe the fumes were getting to him after all.
He leaned out the window and looked up. Straight up to the top of the building.
...and he was looking into the infuriated, frightened and crazed eyes of one Timothy McGee.
"Wow, Agent McGee. I didn't know you were taking Spiderman lessons."
Again, Vance paused. That didn't seem quite right either.
"I'm not!" Tim shrieked. "I'm going to kill Tony! I'm going to kill Ziva! I'm even going to kill Gibbs! I'm going to go on a murderous rampage! ...but you need to get me off the building first."
"Oh, please don't tell me that it's superglue," Vance said.
"It is!" Tim shrieked. "He stuck my feet to the wall and then all my clothes!"
Vance heard the three exclamation points and realized that Tim was very upset. He would have to do something.
"All right, Agent McGee. I will...do something."
He pulled his head back inside his office. Yes, the fumes were definitely getting in here. He looked at his watch.
Maybe a bazooka would get Tim down.
He called Jackie.
"Hello...dearest...well, I have some bad news. One of my agents has been superglued to the side of the building and I have to stay to help get him down...and besides! In two hours, I'll be able to arrest people for possession of superglue! The SecNav is giving me temporary special powers. I know who the culprits are, and I'm going to get them. In two hours." Vance pulled the phone away from his ear as flames shot out of it. He waited for them to go away and then he started talking again. "There's nothing I would rather be doing than spending time with you." Without your bazooka...I wonder where she keeps it. "...but this really is something I have to deal with, dearest nummy muffin."
The click in his ear was so calm that Vance was relieved. ...although she might not show up with the bazooka. So that meant he would have to get the cleaning crew to help. Surely, with all the acetone around, they would have something to get Tim free with.
...and in two hours...there would be some arrests...
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Two hours later...
"Hey! You can't arrest me!" Tony protested.
"Oh, yes, I can," Vance said. "I have authority from SecNav. You three are under arrest for crimes of superglue. Agent McGee named you all."
"But I did not know what I was doing, Director!" Ziva protested. "McGee will know that! He will see that I was not thinking clearly!"
"I don't remember going on the roof," Gibbs said. "When did I go onto the roof?"
"Take them away," Vance declared. "...and break out all the windows! I don't care if we have to replace every window in the building later. We are going to clear out these fumes once and for all. Five people, including my secretary have been treated for bumps on their heads from passing out in the last week. That's fifteen too many."
"Five, sir."
"Yes, of course. ...and fifteen would also be too many. Take them away! Again."
Tony, Ziva, and Gibbs were dragged off to the slammer. Vance grinned to himself. He liked that word.
Jackie had never shown up with the bazooka, and upon further reflection, Vance decided that was probably a good thing.
"Uh...sir?"
"Yes, faceless, nameless person who has one line and then will never be seen again?"
"I think you've forgotten about Agent McGee. He's still stuck to the wall."
"Oh, yes. I did forget, faceless, nameless person who has one line and then will never be seen again. Well, that can wait until tomorrow. I don't want my wife to get upset with me."
"But, sir!"
"You only get one line. Someone else?" Vance asked, looking around at these other people who seemed to work in the building but rarely did anything but walk around in the background.
"Won't it get cold tonight, sir?" asked another fnpwholatwnbsa.
"Oh, yes. Superglue a blanket to the building so that Agent McGee has some shelter. Tell him we'll see him in the morning."
Satisfied that his job was done for the moment, Vance left NCIS, ignoring Tim's pitiful cries for help, and went home.
Jackie didn't have a bazooka, and she even let him in the house. He had forgotten what the place looked like. He would have to come here more often.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
The next morning...
Vance did get up early and told Jackie that he'd get home on time that night. He liked sleeping in a bed. First, he had to go and supervise the freeing of Tim.
When he reached NCIS, Tim's voice could be heard echoing off the buildings on the Yard and quite a crowd had gathered below him, although no one was doing anything. Vance saw that it was up to him to get things done.
"You!" he said. "Come with me. We will begin freeing Agent McGee. The rest of you will stay down here to cushion his fall should we fail to grab him after he is freed."
"Sir...will we be using acetone?"
That stopped Vance short. Well, his height didn't change, but he did stop walking.
"Oh...I suppose we'll have to, won't we. Well...if we must, we must. We can't leave him there. He'd die of starvation eventually and then we'd have a corpse glued to the wall. That wouldn't be a good symbol of NCIS."
"That's true, sir."
"Good. Let's go. Bring a few buckets of the acetone. I know that we have some stockpiled."
"I think Abby has it in her lab."
"Then, get it from her and tell her that we will be needing it to free her toy."
"Toy?"
"Yes, I've been told that's what Agent McGee is to her. If she wants her toy, she'll have to give up her stockpile."
"Yes, sir."
Vance strode confidently up to the roof.
"Hello, Agent McGee!"
"Get me down from here!" Tim shouted.
"Of course. Of course. It won't take very long once we get Ms. Sciuto's acetone."
"Oh, no. Acetone?" Tim whined. "But that doesn't smell very good."
"I know, but it's the best we have. In the meantime, I'll start cutting off your clothes."
"Uh...no, sir. I'll just wait for the acetone if you don't mind."
"Oh, yes. I'm sure you don't want to be naked and stuck to the building. Of course."
"Thank you, sir."
"You're certain that all of your teammates are responsible?"
"Yes! I saw them all! Yes, I was in an acetone-and-superglue-induced daze, but I distinctly saw them all."
"Very well. They have been arrested. We're debating whether the firing squad is too lenient a sentence for them."
"Nothing could be harsh enough!" Tim shouted. "Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!"
"I agree. This has been unpleasant."
"Where's Tim?" Abby shrieked.
She ran to the side of the building, took one look at Tim and then grabbed three full buckets of acetone and dumped them over the edge, thoroughly drenching the hapless agent in the stuff. Luckily, Tim kept his mouth closed.
(Note: Kids! Throwing acetone on other people is not a good idea. And you most definitely shouldn't do that when the person you're trying to free is stuck to the side of the building on the fourth floor.)
For a few seconds, Tim hung there and then there was a sound. The sound of clothing coming from of the side of a brick building.
It was followed by the sound of a human being falling from the building. It sounded like this:
"AAAAAAAAA!" (only a lot longer because this is like a cartoon wherein the screaming lasts a long time even when the fall isn't that far.)
The crowd of people did their jobs and broke his fall, although it's entirely possible that Tim caused a few bruises. ...but most people could accept that he didn't have any control over that.
After he regained his feet. (His feet hadn't fallen off. It's an expression. It means that he stood up. You try landing on your feet after coming unstuck from the top of a building. It's not as easy as it looks.) Anyway, after Tim regained his feet (stood up), he looked around.
"Where are they?" he hissed. Yes, it should be impossible to hiss when speaking words without s's, but Tim managed it in his fury.
"Who?"
"Tony! Ziva! Gibbs! Where are the little maggots?" Tim shouted. "No...wait. I don't like maggots. Maggots are disgusting. Where are the little...little...little people I'm going to massacre?"
"Oh, them. They're in the slammer. Vance said so."
"Good. I'm going to kill them!" Tim declared, his eyes wild. "Call them and tell them that I'm coming to kill them!"
He started to run but paused.
"Which slammer?"
"Uh...the one that is somewhere around here?"
"Oh, that one. Thank you," Tim said politely and then remembered that he was in a mindless rage and ran off screeching that bloody murder was in the near future of Tony, Ziva and Gibbs.
A few of the people who had caught him thought that, just maybe, they should stop him, but then, they decided it was too much trouble, and besides, if it ended the superglue attacks, it was worth it.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"What?"
"Agent McGee is coming to kill you," the guard said calmly.
"But...but...but...that's...illegal!" Tony declared.
"Well, technically, but you can see his side of it. Besides, Vance is thinking that you'll be killed by firing squad anyway."
"What!" Ziva declared. "But I was not even involved!"
"You helped me carry him up."
"But I did not know what you were doing!"
"I didn't either. I still don't think I was there," Gibbs said.
"He's high on acetone right now," the guard said with a smile. "No one will get in his way."
"Solitary?" Tony begged. "Can you put us in solitary? Please? I can't talk to Tim when he's high on acetone. He gets...weird. Do you remember what happened the last time?"
Ziva's eyes widened. "Please! Yes, solitary confinement!"
Gibbs leaned back and relaxed. "I'll stay here. I like the fresh air. I forgot how it felt."
"Okay. Your choice."
"That's right."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tim ran to the slammer, gun in hand. He was screaming that he was going to kill Tony, Ziva and Gibbs.
He wasn't sure why he was screaming, but it seemed fitting for a mindless rage. When he reached the slammer, the guards helpfully opened the doors for him.
He thanked them politely and went on his way.
Tony and Ziva peeked through the small windows in solitary.
"McGee, I did not know!"
Tim rolled his eyes.
"I'm in a mindless rage, fueled by acetone fumes. Do you think I care, Ziva? I'm going to kill you. That's what I have to do."
"But why?"
"Because it's a mindless rage!"
"You could kill Gibbs first," Tony suggested. "He's right over there!"
Tim looked at Gibbs. He didn't notice the convenient chain pull hanging right beside Gibbs. He just noticed Gibbs sitting there.
"A-HA!" he shouted. "...and not the band, either! ...although I do like 'Take On Me'. ...but a-ha!"
Gibbs smiled at him.
...and he pulled the chain.
From nowhere, torrents of water poured down on Tim. He looked up and saw the monstrous bucket. He was soaked to the skin.
...and the acetone was washed away. His clothes were so soaked that the fumes were tamped down.
Tim took his first breath of fresh air and his mind cleared out.
He was kind of disappointed. He could have got away with killing Tony if he'd been in a mindless rage, but he wasn't in a mindless rage anymore.
He sighed.
"I wanted to shoot Tony, Boss."
"I don't blame you one bit. In fact, DiNozzo! Out here! Now!"
Tony came out warily. Tim looked at him.
"It's hardly worth it," Tim said...but that was okay. It was hardly worth it...but it was worth it.
He drew his gun and shot Tony.
...well, he pulled the trigger. There was a burst of light and a helpful little flag that came out and read BANG!
Tim started to laugh uproariously.
"That's it?" Tony asked.
"I was in a mindless rage, Tony. It doesn't mean that I was smart. I got a toy gun. Abby gave it to me."
"When?"
"I don't know. I think it was when she caught up with me as I was running mindlessly through the streets to kill you."
"So...we're okay?"
"Sure. Vance said firing squad was the punishment for using superglue. You're still going to die." Tim smiled winningly and started to skip away.
"No! I don't want to die!" Tony declared.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"Oh...you don't?" Vance asked in surprise. "I thought you must."
Tony looked around. "How did the scene change so fast?"
"Oh, it's one of those things," Vance said. "You really don't want to die?"
"NO!"
"Okay."
"What?"
"Okay. I have too many things to do what with ordering new windows and destroying the world's supply of superglue. I can't organize a firing squad. Too much paperwork."
Vance nodded at them all. So the team left the office and headed down to the bullpen.
They sat at their desks and enjoyed breathing in the acetone-free air.
Tony grinned.
"I still have a little bit of superglue," he said.
He lifted up the small tube.
"NO!" Tim, Ziva and Gibbs shouted.
"I knew there was a reason I brought this today."
Suddenly, there was a roar and a bazooka neatly knocked the tube of superglue out of Tony's hand and pinned it to the opposite wall before exploding. The team looked up toward the voice.
Jackie Vance stood by the elevator, bazooka launcher in hand.
"My husband will not be staying here overnight anymore. Superglue does not exist as far as this building is concerned. Understand?" she said.
"Yes, ma'am!" Tony said.
"Good."
She walked over. "Honey, let's go home."
"Right now?" Vance asked. "I wanted to order some windows."
"Now, Leon."
"Yes, dearest."
Vance and Jackie left.
"No more superglue," Tony said.
"No more," Tim said.
"What will I do now?" he whined.
"Something that doesn't result in the director's wife blowing up a wall," Gibbs said.
"I'm sure I'll think of something," Tony said.
Maybe, Jello could be fun. ...and it didn't have noxious fumes.
FINIS!