Shame, a firefly fanfic

Shame

Author: Nat

Ship: Mal/Inara

Rated: angst/romance (rangst anyone?)

Disclaimer: I just read the best disclaimer of all time by browncoat2X2 I think…that said "I do not own firefly. Firefly owns me." Truer words have ne'er been spoken!

Set: Post BDM but as though Inara left again.

Author's Notes: Couldn't resist letting the bǎo shén have another day in the sun, in a different context altogether.

bǎo shén – precious jewel of the soul

huài dàn – bastard

tè bié gù kè – special client

lā jī – trash/garbage

yǐn pīn –secret lover

Gwai-gwai long duh dong! – what the hell?

Je shr shuh muh lan dong shi!? – what is this garbage?!

biǎozi – whore

háng - professional

I said to the night,

"If you are in love with the moon,

It is because you never stay for long."

The night turned to me and said,

"It is not my fault, I never see the Sun,

how can I know that love is endless?"

--Rumi

"He's not worth it!" Zoe's voice said desperately.

She rarely spoke with desperation, with emotion at all. The last time he'd heard any real emotion in her voice had been that horrible moment she had kept on talking to Wash after he was dead.

This was nothing like that time, and yet, there it was, that trace of desperation in her voice, pleading with him to see sense.

He was still holding the Alliance Officer by the throat so tightly he could not breath. Still had his gun planted against his skull. Still couldn't tamp down the urge to kill.

"This huài dàn decided to bring up my coat on the wrong day!"

And Zoe knew, he was close to losing it, but he wouldn't.

"He's not worth it Sir, let's go." She said and her voice was back where it should be.

Mal took his gun handle and knocked the officer unconscious, then walked away without looking back.

They met up with the ship and Zoe finally allowed herself to feel relief. The job had gone smoothly, as jobs went lately, and they had been well on their way when some poncey young Alliance officer had seen the Captain's brown coat and gone on some fool speech about cowards and failure.

She'd seen it happen before and seen him react much the same. But it happened more often lately, and he seemed just that little bit closer to losing it than he had been before. He was still holding on too tight and she was worried.

She cornered him alone later in the mess hall and sat down, bracing herself.

"Can I have a word with you?"

He looked up from his coffee and whatever he was reading and nodded.

"Frankly?" she added and he frowned.

"Of course."

"Why you keep getting into fights with the Alliance lately?"

He turned gruff, "Seems they keep gettin' in fights with me."

Zoe leveled her gaze at him, "Mmhmm."

He said nothing.

"Look," she said carefully, "I don't much care for the Alliance either. I think the war turned out for the worse. And if I ever get the chance, I will fight them again, in any way I can."

He was watching her intently now and she silently hoped she got this right, "But war's over. You gotta let some of that anger go."

He stiffened very stubbornly until she said quietly, "'Spose you always wondered why I married Wash."

She waited, long and quiet until he met her eye to eye, "He was what I took for myself. What we had, it was ours and it took the place of what I left behind."

Her face changed, what she really wanted to say finally apparent on it and he let her say it, "Seems to me, you gotta take something for yourself, or all you'll have left is that anger and it will ruin you."

He didn't answer, but looked into his coffee very thoughtfully.

She stood and walked away and never mentioned it again.

Mal was left to his own thoughts. Of the War, of anger, of his mother telling him a man could only change what he was, not what he had, or what he'd done.

Of letting himself have things and what a danger it really was. The only thing that had afforded him forward motion was leaving everything behind. Easier to be brave when you were weightless. Easier to continue when you called yourself free. And free meant the only thing he truly loved was his ship. His ship that kept going with him, farther and farther away. So far he could forget how he felt about what was behind him. So far that he had nothing to lose.

But Zoe was right. He was angry. All the time, this simmering anger was there, waiting to take him over. And he did not want that. If he let it, then he would truly lose that long ago fight.

So he thought of things he had wanted and therefore, of Inara. That beauty an insult, always on display, always out of reach and an illusion, always in his mind and more real because it was supposed to be an illusion.

That moment she had admitted that his sleeping with Nandi had hurt her. How terribly he'd actually felt over that.

That moment Nandi had insinuated Inara had feelings for him and he'd forgotten everything, even the gun in his hand for just a second.

That moment she had told him she was leaving and he'd realized they were alike. They both ran from complications—even in each other.

And confound it all if she wasn't complicated as hell. And worse, he liked it.

Didn't want anyone he could know completely. Wanted there always to be more. She was a mystery, beneath layers of mystery and it held his attention like nothing else had since before the war.

But there had been so many really good reasons to put that feeling aside. The differences between them were vast and unclosing. Hadn't he told himself it was for the better when she left again? Probably, he reflected with sudden insight, she had told herself the same thing.

What did that mean?

"Cap'n?" Kaylee's voice cut into his thoughts over the comm., "You gotta wave."

He found himself relieved to escape his own thoughts and eagerly headed to the nearest viewscreen to take it.

But the image that greeted him was of a very fancy looking woman indeed. A woman dressed much like a…..Companion. She was older, but still beautiful, with a stern, controlled expression in her eyes.

"Captain Reynolds?" she inquired politely and something in her face made him think he was exactly as she had expected him to be. "I am Shena, High Counselor and High Priestess of the Companion Guild on Sihnon."

He inclined his head politely at that mouthful and waited for her to say her piece.

"I am waving you to formally request your presence at a hearing on Sihnon for Inara."

"Inara?" he frowned and she knew she suddenly had his full attention, "What kind of hearing?"

Shena's expression didn't change but something flickered in her eyes and he knew he was being assessed with all that fancy training. He didn't much care.

"She is being stripped of her status as Companion and formally dismissed." Shena said succinctly.

Mal blinked into the monitor, "Dismissed? What did you she do?"

He was trying to imagine her murdering someone but he just couldn't fathom it. Had he ruined her somehow with all his rough, uncultured adventures onboard? Had she too smashed a priceless instrument or thrown some well-painted pottery across the room? His mouth quirked at the thought but Shena's eyes narrowed.

"Captain Reynolds, how much do you know about our traditions and laws?" she asked, "Did Inara discuss any of them with you?"

He shook his head, "No, she did not and I left her to her own ways. Can't say as I know much about the fine print of what you do."

Shena nodded, "I see, well, the issue she is being dismissed over is something we keep confidential until the trial."

Mal eyed her warily, "And why exactly am I necessary to all this?"

Shena's smile tightened a little, "That I cannot go into with you at this time either. I realize it might be out of your way, or conflict with your work schedule. The trial is next week, Wednesday at four in the afternoon. Is that time convenient for you?"

Mal was still frowning curiously, "S'pose it might be. Can I ask how is a Companion stripped of her title exactly?"

Shena's face turned very serious but this time Mal caught something else flickering in her eyes when she replied, "She is publicly shamed."

Mal's face hardened and he didn't try to hide it, "I'll be there." He said and turned off the screen without a goodbye.

It was the day before Inara's hearing, en route to Sihnon that Mal received a second wave. He had been hoping to hear from Inara herself, had even asked Kaylee for her address to wave her himself but he couldn't reach her and realized perhaps she was cut off from sending and receiving somehow.

He hit the receive button eagerly, hoping it was her, but was faced with another companion, younger but with that same, controlled expression he'd seen on both Inara and Shena's faces before.

"Captain Reynolds?" she asked politely.

"That's me," he replied, "I'm awful popular with your planet this week it seems. What can I do for you?"

And again there was that flash in the eyes that said just as I expected him to be. It was starting to become infuriating.

"My name is Sasha, I'm a friend of Inara's."

"Is there some reason Inara can't contact me herself?" Mal asked.

Sasha nodded, "She is forbidden from communicating with anyone outside of Sihnon and has been confined to her rooms. That's why I'm contacting you. I'm not supposed to but I thought you should know, she doesn't want you to come."

He frowned, "And why's that?"

"Because of her trial!" Sasha replied and finally emotion entered her voice, "The Guild are disbanding her because she has refused a tè bié gù kè!"

Mal translated the Chinese quickly in his mind but still asked, "A what?"

Sasha sighed, realizing he knew nothing of Companion culture and Mal's face betrayed his first irk. How in the 'verse was he supposed to know about this?

"A tè bié gù kè is a client we never turn away. It is within a Companion's rights always to say no, for private reasons of her own, but we make a special exception for our tè bié gù kè."

"And why is that?" Mal asked with a frown. Seemed like that negated the whole freedom of choice custom altogether if there were some men they couldn't turn away.

"There are only a few and they are highly valued and influential clients. They have given so much to us that we afford them special status. They only ask for our very best companions."

Mal nodded with sudden, bitter understanding, "They're rich men."

Sasha hid her wince well, "They are affluential men who are key to the success of our Guild."

"And one of them asked for Inara?"

"Yes, and she refused. She has been in retirement from Companion duties since returning to Sihnon and teaching. Her wish was to become a full-time Instructor and Priestess, to run her own house."

Her retirement was news to him. She hadn't taken a client since leaving Serenity? Since….since they went to help Nandi at the Heart of Gold? He swallowed hard.

"So a tè bié gù kè can even call a Companion out of retirement?"

"It is considered a very high honour to be requested. But Inara refused, saying those duties were done for her and that should be respected."

"And now she's being thrown out?"

"Yes," said Sasha, "But worse than that the Guild want to make an example of her, by publicly shaming her. They have investigated her life very thoroughly and want to make it seem that poor choices and her failure to abide Guild law and Companion rules are the reasons she has made such a poor choice."

Mal was watching Sasha's face as he tried to piece it together.

"You are one of those reasons. They want to use you as the reason she refused a tè bié gù kè."

Mal blanched a little at that. He didn't know why Inara had retired, secretly feared he really did have something to do with it, but didn't truly believe he did.

"Inara asked me to tell you not to come. If you are here they will make you attend the trial and show all the members and students who you are and try to paint a story about Inara having a weakness! She doesn't want you involved!"

Mal was quiet a moment, "Sasha, is there any way for her to keep her status?"

Sasha nodded slowly, "She has to agree to meet with a tè bié gù kè."

He nodded, "And how does one become a tè bié gù kè?"

She smiled gently, "They have connections and a history with the guild."

She seemed to have guessed his thoughts and was offering him sympathy at his failure of an idea.

"Could someone, outbid a tè bié gù kè?" he asked carefully.

She looked thoughtful, "I suppose they could. The tè bié gù kè who asked for her didn't really mind, to be honest. He asked for another and there were no repercussions. She really just needs to accept a special offer to keep all she's worked so hard for."

Mal nodded slowly, "And just how much constitutes a special offer?"

Hours later he had the crew seated at the mess hall table for a very awkward conversation. He did not foresee it going well so he barged right in, "I need all the money you all have."

"What?" piped up Jayne immediately, "Just what the hell for?"

"For Inara."

Zoe looked at him in disbelief, "Inara, needs money?"

Mal winced a bit but kept on, "No, she needs someone to make an offer on her and I intend it to be me."

Everyone just stared at him.

"So, you want us to give you all our money, so you can buy a night with Inara?" Jayne managed in slow disbelief.

No one seemed to be blinking.

"She's losing her status and being kicked out of her Guild because she refused a fancy client. She needs to accept a very high offer to keep her place. I figure if I offer, she can take it, no one needs to be the wiser that nothing happened and she can keep her teaching and her priestess training and all that fancy lā jī."

"So we're going to give you all our money, so you can spend the night with her, and you're not going to sex her?"

Mal shot Jayne a dangerous look at that and he fell silent. He looked at the rest, "She'll be publicly shamed and dismissed and lose everything if we don't try to help her. Now, you all called her friend while she was here and still do. I'm askin' you to help me, help her."

Everyone quietly left to find their money.

And so Mal found himself the next day, on Sihnon, with more money than he'd had in his entire life, being led to Inara's room by the Head Counselor and High Priestess herself. He waited politely by the door as Shena walked in and addressed Inara.

"Someone has made a special offer for you Inara, higher even than a tè bié gù kè. If you accept, I will forget all that has happened and you may have your life back."

"I've already told you," came Inara's cold voice, "I have retired from servicing clients, as is my right, and I won't accept any offer! Your twisting of the rules to punish me is a shame to you and all you stand for!"

"You might reconsider the offer, when you see who it comes from," Shena replied smoothly, as though Inara had not just insulted her.

"I will accept no one's offer," Inara repeated firmly.

"Not even one from your yǐn pīn?" Shena asked and ushered Mal inside.

He felt his fists clench tightly at how this was playing out, but at least Shena made her exit and left them alone. Inara was still staring at him in horror.

She looked different and it took him a moment to realize she was dressed down, less fancy. She still looked beautiful. A part of his stomach fell out when he realized just how glad he was to see her again.

"Your friend Sasha told me everything," he explained quickly, "We all pitched in…"

He held out the money and she gasped, her hand going to her mouth as she saw how much there was.

"We could just spend the night playin' cards," he offered, trying to sound light, "No one need be the wiser, and you could keep all that matters to you."

Finally she smiled and gently closed his hand over that money, "I can't believe you all did this for me. Please tell them how grateful I am. But I can't accept your money."

He turned serious and stepped closer to her, "Inara, I won't see you shamed."

But she smiled that knowing smile and he realized how out of his league he was here in this alien culture with its pillars of wealth and education and everything else he'd never known.

She took his hands in hers, "If you pay for a night with me, then I will be." She said quietly, and he realized he'd been played as a kind of taunt for her. His face tightened with fury.

"This was a set-up!" he exclaimed.

"No, no, Sasha meant well. She knows what losing my school and my life here means to me. She has been my student and my friend too."

"'Nara, I don't want to see you lose everything. Can't I help you?" he said helplessly. It was just them and he'd always had his helpless moments with her it seemed. Was it because she was his weakness? Or because they were equals and her problems as solid and complicated as his own?

She shook her head, "No. I knew the weight of my choice when I made it and I'm ready to face the consequences. This will be the last of my lessons to my students. They will see this shaming for what it truly is. My personal rights are being compromised to uphold a ridiculous, out-dated law, whose fine print leaves room for negotiation. The High Counselor has chosen me for her scape-goat and I intend for the exact opposite to happen."

He nodded at her with a smile. Inara a Martyr. A very strange Martyr, he reflected, but still a Martyr.

Then he turned serious again, "Why'd you turn down that tè bié gù kè?"

She smiled, "When I returned to Sihnon I made a choice. I had fulfilled all I wanted to in my time as a Companion and realized that time was over for me. But I still believed in upholding our ways and teachings. I wanted to instruct students and study to be a Priestess. Normally a Companion can make this transition easily with dedication and hard work. Only rarely are they offered for and it is a very high compliment to be asked for once you've unofficially retired. Most tè bié gù kè are highly respectful of that decision and simply ask for another. I hear this one did just that. But the High Counselor has decided to use me to tighten her hold over the Guild. I will have no part of that. The moment my personal freedom is compromised is the moment this changes from a career to an indenturement. I am willing to walk out over that and to endure this farce of a trial."

He nodded, "I can see that. I think I understand."

She smiled very kindly at him, "Thank you."

He tucked his money away, "I hope you weren't insulted by….."

She shook her head, "I know why you offered and I thank you for that too." She leaned up and very softly kissed his cheek and for a brief moment he forgot himself. He hadn't believed he could, but Inara proved many of his assumptions wrong—particularly about himself.

Her hand was on his cheek as she smiled and pulled away and he couldn't remember how it got there.

Her face fell, "Don't come to the trial Mal, they'll only use you to smear my name. To try to make it seem like I have feelings for you and that's why I turned away my tè bié gù kè."

"Alright then I won't, he said gently, then added, "I'll park nearby though, and wait to pick you up?"

He was grinning at her now and she broke into her real smile in return, "Would you?"

"Crew'll be over the moon to have you back….and all their money too!"

She laughed lightly and that was how he took his leave of her. And he had every intention of returning to his ship until Shena pulled him aside.

"So you will attend her trial tomorrow?"

He shook his head, "No, I don't believe I will. I respect Inara's wishes and she's asked me not to. Don't see how I'd enjoy watching a friend publicly shamed anyhow. Prob'ly just give me an itchy trigger finger."

"Since you're the reason she is being shamed, it really seems to me that you ought to attend." Countered Shena.

Mal's eyes narrowed, "There is nothing between her and I, and you know it!"

Shena gave a huff of laughter, "Is that why you flew all the way here and gathered all that money? That's probably the most money you've ever had!"

He struggled with the urge to strike out at her. It wouldn't do to punch the High Priestess of Inara's home world in the face. No matter how deserved it might be.

"I think you will attend tomorrow after all." Said Shena certainly.

"And how do you plan to accomplish that? You gonna hold a gun to my head?"

Shena smiled a very cruel smile, "Of course not. I abhor violence. Which is why you should attend. To prevent its happening to Inara."

"Are you threatening Inara?" he hissed incredulously.

"Perhaps she will be poisoned if you do not attend. Perhaps she already is and I will only give her the antidote when I see you walk in."

Mal felt the muscles in his jaw working and knew the anger was apparent in his face. Shena smiled, "A truly great Companion has no weakness, much like a truly great Warrior, or Captain."

Then she walked away.

The next day Mal dressed carefully, hoping to conceal a gun or two in his clothes and shoot his way out with Inara before any sign of shaming cropped up.

He put on his best shirt and polished his boots, might as well shoot his way out in style. And then he pulled out his brown coat. His companion in and out of trouble since the war. Putting that coat on was his last and greatest armor. It was his call to arms, his first and last loyalty, his freedom. It meant he was going into odds decidedly out of his favour, still spoiling for a fight, still planning to win. It was who he was and what he was, his last chosen self that he chose to face the world with. Much like the self Inara was losing today. And yet, he admired her, she was going to keep it with her in a way, much like he had after the war, even when he'd lost.

He followed Sasha to the Guild Hall where the trial would be officially held. And at the door they took every last one of his guns, even the tiny one.

"You sure know how to spoil a man's fun," he complained in a congenial voice.

He lost that voice when they walked through the doors. The hall was vast and wide. Hundreds upon hundreds of people were seated in ascending rows to look down on the main court. The main court was a twelve-member, all female party seated together. The High Counselor had her own desk and Inara was seated in a box nearby, much like an Earth-that-was court house.

Shena's eyes met his as Sasha led him to the front row and sat him down. She smiled and immediately poured Inara a small drink of something. He was never to know if was an antidote for poison or water to cover her bluff.

Inara shot him a betrayed glance but read his face and realized he had somehow been forced. Sasha tried to smile reassuringly at her.

"Welcome Court and members of the Guild. Welcome students and Companions. I am pleased at the turn-out for this trail because I feel it is an important one." Shena gestured elegantly with her silk-sleeved arms, "You may think the reasons for this dismissal are trivial. Perhaps turning down a tè bié gù kè seems a matter of little consequence. But that is just the kind of lax attitude that is slowly breaking down the foundation of all we stand for. These rules were set in place for excellent reasons. They are set in place to signal to us when something has gone wrong, when something has changed and needs to be addressed."

Inara already looked weary and annoyed and Mal realized she rarely showed such emotions in public. That she must be tired to reveal it.

"You are all taught that becoming a Companion grants you a very special kind of autonomy. You are bred and trained with immaculate care to assess and cater to the needs and desires of anyone you choose. Yet you are free to choose and refuse who you wish to. You are told, you can always say no. But you all know there are exceptions to such rules. When a tè bié gù kè offers for you it is a very high honour and not to be taken lightly. I realize that retired Companions who have turned their energy to teaching often lightly dismiss such offers with graciousness and little to no repercussions. But still these instances should be closely examined. Because a true companion realizes, the ultimate freedom is letting go of that self and those cumbersome desires to exist only in that moment of giving, of providing. A true companion would not turn away a tè bié gù kè!"

There was some murmuring among those gathered. Inara looked utterly disgusted.

"I investigated this case personally and discovered, for all Inara's professions that her choice was simply made as an exercise of personal freedom, she was lying. She had a very specific reason for refusing her tè bié gù kè. That reason is sitting here today. And his name is Malcolm Reynolds."

Mal sat up very straight at that and felt hundreds of eyes suddenly bear down on him. He gave Inara a very curious look but she simply rolled her eyes as if to say, Just wait.

"He was Captain of the ship she spent over two years renting a shuttle from and she fell in love with him. When their relationship failed, she returned here to retain some semblance of the life she knew, but without being a true companion. And she is still in love with him, even now!"

She turned to Inara with a smile, "What do you wish to say Inara?"

Mal focused on her with real interest as she spoke, "These accusations are wild and unfounded. And they are utterly untrue. Malcolm Reynolds and I shared a professional, working relationship and nothing more. I came to care a great deal for everyone aboard Serenity. I consider all of them, himself included, dear friends. That is all. As for calling into question my devotion to this life I will say this: A true companion is not measured by who she accepts or who she refuses. She is measured by herself alone, by that quality and skill she brings to whatever she does. It is the greatest of the autonomies provided by this life. You must judge and adjust your skills and assess your efforts yourself. You must never stop striving to learn and be more. That is what a Companion truly is. That is what I have always been and what I will always be."

There was murmuring again in the crowd and Mal felt a swell of pride at how composed and well-spoken she was.

But Shena was still smiling, "Those were very pretty words Inara, but you were lying. You did not refuse your tè bié gù kè for any high and honorable reasons. You refused him and retired to teaching because you are in love."

She addressed the crowd, "You have all been warned about maintaining control with clients. It may sound romantic to young students to fall in love with your client, but it is not. It is a crime to them and to yourself to toy with such emotions. That is not your purpose. But Inara's crime is much worse. This man was never her client. This man would never have been selected to be a client!"

Mal was starting to look very angry and to feel very sorry that he hadn't managed to get at least one gun in.

"Inara threw away all she trained and cared for on this!" Shena pointed to him, "This petty criminal with no money, no honour, no class or education and nothing to offer her of any worth!"

"Gwai-gwai long duh dong!" Mal exclaimed loudly, "Je shr shuh muh lan dong shi!? That's rich coming from a háng biǎozi!"

He said a few more choice things in highly colorful Chinese and saw Inara suddenly bite her lip to hide a smile. For once she was grateful to hear his famous derision of the job. That biting of the lip was the take-away for the trial. It was remembered always. It was the moment Shena began to realize she had lost. There would be no shaming today. Mal saw it too. Inara would walk out with her head held high.

But Shena had her last card to play, and played it.

"You still deny you were lovers?" She hissed.

"Mal and I were never lovers," Inara said, slipping and saying his name instead of his title. But it betrayed her honesty and most of the people gathered believed her.

"But you love him," Shena accused.

"No, I don't," Inara replied, "He was not the reason I refused my offer. We were only ever friends."

"You lie till the last," Shena said with disappointment, "You had such potential. I can't believe you were led away by something foolish like love."

She pulled out a necklace from her pocket. It was a thin, gold chain with a fine, carved pendant glittering on its end. The pendant was a firebird, smoothed and shaped with care. Mal watched all the color drain from Inara's face.

"Stand up Inara," Shena said quietly.

Inara stood reluctantly and slowly exited the box to come and stand before Shena. Everyone seemed to be collectively holding their breaths.

"What's going on?" Mal whispered to Sasha.

"That is her bǎo shén." Sasha explained, "One of the only remnants of her old life, before she was a Companion. She was orphaned young and kept only a few trace belongings. That necklace is a tradition among her people, a totem of the soul chosen at birth by the mother. She's always kept it with her, but was forbidden to wear it once she became a companion."

It was the most information on Inara Mal thought he'd ever heard. He tried to take it all in but there was so much going on, the tension in the Hall was palpable, "What's that got to do with anything?"

Sasha finally faced him and her face was changed, smug, "She buried it, secretly, in the mountains, by her favorite bench. Her people bury it when they are in love with someone and hope to bring that person to them from far away. It was her secret wish, that she told no one, save for me."

Mal turned to see Inara gazing at Sasha in betrayed horror, then cold anger.

"You buried this," Shena sneered, "Your people only bury their bǎo shén when they are in love!"

But Inara saw only Sasha at that moment. Mal saw her quietly piecing together the betrayal in her mind, "I see now you only once told me the truth," she told Sasha, "When you said you envied me."

Sasha just smiled in return. Mal realized she had played him from the start. Made sure he would be here, that he would offer for her and make the shame that much worse. She wanted to take everything from Inara as painfully a possible. And she had succeeded. Inara's head finally bowed as Shena took the last of her jewelry, all of which it turned out, symbolized some part of her Companion life. Every bracelet and ring had a meaning and they were each taken separately to prolong the act. Her clothes were brought out and heaped in a pile with the jewels. Her Guild papers were thrown in and finally the bǎo shén. That last piece of her past; the last memory of her mother and family. Mal felt his stomach clench in fury.

They were all going to be burned while she stood there.

He had only a short moment to realize everything.

She loved him. Shena had been right. A part of her, a very old part of her, had made a very quiet wish and offered itself to him. He realized Shena had looked into every man she had been with to discern who it was she was in love with and concluded it was him. It could be no one else. And suddenly he realized that too.

He also realized that a part of her had been willing, for some time now, to sacrifice this identity as a loyalty to him. To her feelings for him.

Was this why it was so hard for them? These outer-selves, chosen and honed for use, they had no place between them.

He looked at her bowed head, at Sasha's smug face and made a decision.

"You'll pay for what you've done little girl," he promised Sasha, "Can't enjoy what you've stolen from someone if you're dead, now can you?"

He saw her flash of fear before he jumped the enclosure around the front row and came to stand by Inara. She looked up, weary and a little broken, but with a trace of still-burning defiance in her face, "There's nothing you can do Mal, it's alright."

Mal shook his head then slowly, he pulled off his brown coat and folded it up to lay in the pile to be burned.

She grabbed his arm, "No! I know what that means to you!"

He smiled, "And I know what all this means to you."

He held her eyes, "I'll put this down, it'll all burn and we'll walk out of here together."

She saw the rest in his eyes and her own filled up.

They both watched Shena drop the torch and then turned and walked out of the hall together, the roar of the fire and the din of voices at their heels.

They climbed into a taxi-shuttle outside to take them to Serenity, in orbit around the planet. And once they were seated, a weary Inara leaning on his arm, he held out his hand and tucked her bǎo shénin her palm. She gasped in surprise.

"Sometimes it's good to be a petty thief," he teased then added, "This wasn't hers to keep."

Her eyes filled up again and her voice was hoarse when she said, "Thank you."

He wrapped an arm around her and let her rest on his shoulder where she drifted off, exhausted.

Back on the ship there was a whole lot of ruckus made for Inara's return. She was welcomed home with open arms and lots of careful, distracting conversation about everything except what had happened.

Mal wandered off to tuck the ship in and returned to find she had gone to bed. He wandered down to her shuttle, raised a hand to knock, thought about what she had been through that day and lowered it.

Now was not the time to have that conversation. Let her rest. There would be time, when she was ready. Hell, when they were both ready.

He took the long way back to his bunk, thinking long thoughts. Feeling the emptiness where his coat should have been. Feeling cut down and exposed without it. But also freer. He was a little more undecided, a little less defined without it. He was more of himself, just less of what he used to be. And it shortened the distance between he and Inara to have it gone. For once, the possibility of being with her didn't seem so unattainable, and that thought gave him inexplicable happiness.

He smiled as he climbed down the ladder to his bunk. Then he turned to find her waiting for him.

She was freshly scrubbed, her damp hair hanging down, her dress much plainer and easier to look at, her face plain and youthful without that make-up. And she was smiling. She didn't say anything though, but took the few steps to meet him and gently reached her hands to his shirt. She undid the buttons carefully and pushed back his suspenders, the material of the shirt until his chest was bare and his mouth had run quite dry. But he let her.

Then she pulled out that fine necklace, her bǎo shén and fastened it gently about his neck. He fingered the firebird pendant with a soft expression on his face, "Looks like Serenity, is that why you picked this ship?"

She smiled and nodded, then stepped into him, hands warm and possessive on his chest. He felt himself pulling in that gasp of air that marked desire.

"It means I choose you," she said quietly, "and I love you."

Mal looked down into her face and let his suddenly unsteady hands push that dress off her shoulders. It pooled to the floor as he kissed her and then he spent the rest of the night telling her he loved her. With his mouth, and the possessive claim of his hands, with his voice and his body through a beautiful, hazy montage of searching, discovering and surrendering.

But her favorite I love you was the next morning, when he woke and the first thing he did when he realized she was there was break into a huge smile and say, "G'mornin, I hope I find you here every mornin'…." Before pulling her into a lazy, unpracticed embrace that left her head swimming with its unspoken promises and devotion.

My gawd it's done! And it's 3:30 in the morning! And I thought it would just be a short….but it's 15 word pages!

Hope you liked! I'm posting this late so please tell me of any typos….

Also, if anyone can think of what Mal might give Inara as an equal to the bǎo shén feel free to write that, because I would love to read it!

Once more, here are the translations: