The Best Beast Boy Fanfic Ever! (Featuring Raven from the Teen Titans Cartoon)
Part One: The Best Day Ever
"How did it happen doc?" Cyborg asked openly, staring at the charred remains of what most would see as a cross between a mouse and a whale, only on a much smaller scale.
"Well, it appears that Garth.."
"It's Garrett" Cyborg interrupted the mortician.
"Is it Garrett? I've been calling him Michael for years." Kid Flash said, with a small laugh.
"That's ridiculous Bart, even I knew Beast Boys name started with a G." Wonder Girl said, giving him a look of disapproval.
"I thought it was Gary." Tim chimed in, as he stoically flipped through a Floral & Design magazine he had taken with him from the lobby.
"That's what I thought! Are you sure Cyborg?" Wonder Girl added in as an annoyed Cyborg looked at them in shock.
"Yes I am sure! I am 95% sure! He was our friend, and his death was tragic."
"There's one thing I don't get Dr. Death, why is Adam..." Angel began to say.
"His name definitely isn't Adam man..." Damian chimed in
"Don't interrupt me you little shit, I was listening to his music before the broken condom that led to your birth was collecting dust in that curry smellin' 7-11."
"Please don't call me Dr. Death, and you shouldn't smoke in here." The Mortician said.
"Why? He's already dead. And I'll call you what I want, you bed pan washing, bleeding heart nancy."
"You can't smoke because of the people here who aren't dead"
"Hey, Doctor Death, do us both a favour and butt out!" Angel said, flicking his cigarette at the mortician.
"Now, as I was sayin' why is Adam half rat and half whale or whatever?"
"Well, what we've deduced is that Adam.. I mean Garth, was covered in 3rd degree burns over about 75% of his body. In order to escape the horrific pain of being burnt alive, he shrunk down to the size of a mouse, probably hoping that his smaller size would mean smaller burns thus easing his horrific passing into the endless nothingness that awaits us all. However, his burns remained the same size somehow and began to cover his interior organs as they had no skin left to cover."
"How is that possible doc?" Cyborg asked in shock.
"It's not, not even theoretically. What really confuses me is that when he started to turn into a whale to spread the burns out they actually grew... He didn't get to be very large however, as he died after a few seconds from a combination of what we speculate to be severe burns, a shock induced cardiac arrest, and hopelessness."
"Shouldn't a pathologist be doing the autopsy?" Tim asked, eyes still glued to his magazine.
"Normally you'd be right, but we actually thought about giving his body to animal control, as it seemed to make more sense. Bureaucracy was involved though, and we eventually got the job. The politics of death can be rather confusing."
"That makes absolutely no sense actually." Tim added, pausing just long enough to look up at the mortician with a baffled stare.
"Oh! Angel! You were thinking of Adam Yach! He's the singer from the Beastie Boys!" Bart chimed in, proud of himself for figuring everything out.
"Haha, well shit kid. You're right! What the fuck am I doing here then?" He said to himself as he got back into his 1984 Buick Lesabre and drove off.
"Well, you can take the body now, if you want." The mortician spoke as he closed the top of the cardboard box that Beast Boy was in.
"Actually we were thinking about going to go see the Avengers." Wonder Girl said, sucking the air between her teeth and hoping she wasn't being too inconvenient.
"Oh yeah? I saw it, it was really good. I wasn't terribly fond of Black Widow, she had too much screen time. I think that's just because of Joss Whedon's writing really." The mortician said.
"Don't tell me! I haven't seen it!" Wonder Girl said, covering her ears and looking annoyed.
"Really man, complaining about Black Widow? She's not in it that much, get over it." Bart said shaking his head.
"It's called The Avengers dude, not The Avengers and Black Widow." The mortician said, as Cassie chanted "llama" behind them.
"Are you kidding me? Black Widow IS an Avenger, even in the comics she's an Avenger."
"Not a good one. Besides, there is no real hint that she is going to be on the team and then suddenly she is. What the hell?"
"Just because you hate Black Widow, don't complain that she's there. Iron Man and Cap still get way more time, seriously." Bart said, effectively ending the conversation.
"Whataver, I'll just mail you Garth then alright?"
"Ground shipping, I'm not going to pay the ridiculous rates that the post office charges for overnight, you'd think a failing organization like the U.S. Post Office would try to be a bit more reasonable." Tim said, putting the magazine down before picking up a National Geographic from 1994, turning the page, and setting it back down shaking his head.
"Ground shipping? Tim! He was our friend. We owe him overnight shipping." Cyborg protested.
"Do you have the money for that Cyborg?"
"No, I gave the money to Garrett so he'd get donuts, that's how this whole thing happened."
"Oh his wallet was thrown from the wreckage that was entirely the fault of Garth and no one else though many were harmed due to his recklessness. Here." The Mortician rummaged around and produced Beast Boy's Slipknot wallet he had gotten at Hot Topic.
Cyborg thumbed through the wallet, tossing voyeur beach photos of Angela Lansbury on the ground. "What the fuck man?"
"What?" Damian asked.
"I'll tell you what! I asked that bastard to buy some donuts and he said he had no money, so I gave 15 bucks, there's a 50 in this wallet!"
"So?"
"Damian you dumbass, that means Beast Bitch did have money to buy donuts. That cheapskate was going to make me buy them! How many times have I bought the Titans donuts?"
"Once." Tim said, again flipping through a Home & Garden magazine.
"Exactly. So it was his turn."
"Cyborg, is it really such a big deal? it's just 15 bucks." Wonder Girl said.
"Its the fucking principle Cassie! Fuck him, mail him in a box." Cyborg grumbled.
"We through here?" Tim asked, but no one answered him. "Let's bounce." He stood up to leave, knocking Beast Boys corpse on the ground as he went out the door.
Everyone was out the door and ready to leave when Cyborg stopped for a moment and turned to the mortician. "Doc, I need to know, it was painful, but was it quick?"
The mortician took off his glasses, "Mr. Cyborg. Your friend died far slower than most would have in such a fire. Though his actual burning took place in a three hour time frame I have no doubt in my mind that in his mind it felt like 10,000 lifetimes of unimaginable agony, with a level of pain so extreme that despite there being no afterlife waiting for him in the abyss, I am sure some of that horror carried through into the nothingness despite the sheer impossibility and impracticality of it."
"Okay good, that makes me feel better." Cyborg said as he put 65 dollars into his wallet and went back out the door.
Part Two: The Best Day Ever and Then The Second Best Day Ever Too
"So what do we tell everyone?" Bart said, as they headed home.
"Nothing. They probably don't want to know about what happens in the movie either." Cassie said
"Not about that, about Beast Boy."
"We tell them the truth. We tell them that Beast Bitch took money from me after he said he had none, and then got in a car accident on his way to Dunkin Donuts because he can't drive for shit." Cyborg said, clearly still distraught over the betrayal.
"It seems like a waste." Bart added
"Yeah, a waste of a good car!" Cyborg said shaking his head
"Haha! That's hilarious Cyborg, I totally set you up for that!" Bart said, barely able to control his laughter as Tim, Damian, and Cassie chuckled along.
"The worst part is, he never did get the donuts and now I'm hungry because we had to go straight to the theatre or we'd have missed the first few minutes and won't know what's going on." Cyborg said.
"I told you to just buy food at the theatre." Tim added, heroically turning on the air conditioning.
"No way, do you know how expensive theatre food is? Man, fuck Garrett, he really ruined this whole day."
A few days later, after the Titans watched what they considered to be a really good movie, maybe not as good as Dark Knight but still probably in the top five best hero movies ever made, Beast Boys body arrived via UPS and was put into a coffin that was generously provided by Bruce Wayne.
"Gee whiz Batman." Dick said "What made you decide to do that?"
"Simple Nightwing, I hate Beast Boy. Ever since he said "psyche" when we were fighting the League of Assassins I have hated him. It's a public fact. Bruce Wayne buying his coffin only helps to conceal my identity as the Batman."
"Golly, that's usin' the old noggin!" Dick said, putting his hands on his hips.
The funeral was a large event, and virtually every hero had come to pay their respects. Cyborg was still brooding about the horrible betrayal, when he saw Hawkman come into the Wayne Manor courtyard where the funeral was being held.
"Hey Hawkman, I didn't know you knew Beast Boy."
"I DOOOOON"T! NOT REALLY ANYWAY, ONE TIME, WE WENT TO BURGER KINGGGGG!" Hawkman replied in his usual scream
"Oh, did he make you pay for everything too?"
"ACTUALLY, HE DIDN'T EAT! ALL HE DID WAS TAKE A FEW FRIES OFF MY PLATE, AND SNUCK SOME SPRITE SINCE IT LOOKS LIKE WATERRRRR!"
"Yeah, that sounds like him. So why are you here?"
"HAWKGIRL WANTED TO COME!"
"Oh yeah? She knew Garrett?"
"NO! SHE NEEDS TO SPEAK TO FLASH!"
"Flash isn't here, something to do with Oreos."
"HE WILL BE, HE TOLD US HE WOULD ON FACEBOOK!"
"Flash has a facebook? When did that happen?"
"HE'S HAD A FACEBOOK FOR LIKE 4 YEARS WHAT PLANET HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING ONNNN?!
"Haha really? Damn, don't tell Bart. Bart has been trying to add Wally but Wally says he has a Facebook but never uses it, so he didn't see the request."
"HAHA HE SAID THAT?! HE'S LYINNGGGG! HAHAHA!" Hawkman yelled with a big smile as he made his way over to a table with deviled eggs. "HAWKGIRL HAVE YOU SEEN FLASH?! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ALL DAY! WE HAVE TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING!"
More guests arrived over the next few minutes, no doubt lured to the funeral by the promise of food. Captain Marvel was taking a bite of everything, saying "Shazam!" and putting the remains back where he found them.
"Alright bitches, I'm here." Angel said as he landed next to Raven, giving her a quick once over "What's up hot legs?"
"I'm here for the funeral."
"Oh yeah? That makes one of us! Ha! But seriously, between you an' me, which of the bitches here is the most distraught and where is the alcohol?"
Raven didn't know what to say, as she didn't know where the alcohol was. "I am the most distraught."
"Oh yeah honeybunch? Why's that?"
"I left a pendant I need to defeat my demon father Trigon..."
"You know what sugartits? I don't think the magic we could make together is worth listening to the melodramatic dribble I foresee coming from you, so I'm going to book it. Give me a yell if you get drunk aight?"
Tim and Starfire were in the gathering around the buffet table, both having to raise their voice slightly to be heard over Hawkman.
"I think it's a bit strange that not a single person is here for the funeral, everyone seems to be here for ulterior motives. Flash arrived recently and has been leaving copies of the Book of Mormon on everyones chair, The Atom got here just now when he mistook this for a party, Hawkman is here because he's going grocery shopping with Hawkgirl and Superboy is here playing PS3 with Huntress upstairs. I wonder if a single person cares that Garth is dead." Tim said, as he stared into his paper cup of orange drink.
"I've never been to a wedding before!" Starfire replied.
"This is a funeral." Tim said, giving her a stare.
"What's the difference?" Starfire said with a big smile.
"...Nothing." Tim said, again staring at the fake koolaid in his paper cup, debating whether or not his thirst would reach the point where he would actually drink it.
Cyborg made his way over to Tim and Starfire and they were soon joined by Bart, Cassie, Raven, and The Doom Patrol. As they shared stories about all the fun they had while Beast Boy was alive, they began to realize that he wasn't actually around for any of it, and that all the low points of their individual lives were largely linked to his being there. It was a unification that could've never been reached without the death of Beast Boy.
"It really sounds mean when we put it all out there." Starfire said, each eye looking in a separate direction.
"Yeah well sometimes the truth hurts. Like when you realize your best friend is such a fucking cheapskate that he'll hoard 50 bucks and take your 15 to buy donuts. Life's a bitch but death is a nice fix, AIN'T IT BEAST BITCH?!" Cyborg shouted.
"STOP YELLING! THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATIOOOOOON!" Hawkman said in his normal voice.
"You know what, I'm done. I don't even know why I am here other than the food, and I'm full now." Cyborg said as he got up and prepared to leave.
"Don't leave Cyborg, we have found out things about ourselves that we wouldn't have otherwise! Look over there, Lex and Superman are hugging and Zan and Jayna are making out... With Flamebird and Lagoon Boy. I think you should stay." Power Girl said, pleading with Cyborg not to go.
Cyborg nodded, and agreed to stay. But before he could get back into the conversation he noticed Angel hovering around Beast Boys coffin, getting up and heading over.
"Hey, what's going on?"
"Gotta drop a load, is that alright with you princess? Did you want to stick around and see what a man looks like you silver suit wearing queer?"
"You can't go in Beast Boys casket!" Cyborg insisted.
"Why not? it's closed casket, if it was open I'd show some restraint."
"Hey, I didn't like him either but I'm showing some restraint."
"I don't give a good fuck what you do and don't do..." Angel began to say before he was interrupted by Blue Beetle.
"Oh sorry, I didn't realize this was occupied."
Part 3: After Beast Boy's Coffin That Was Used As a Public Restroom And Cyborg Left to Check on Tim Who Had Apparently Beaten Beast Boys Fastest Time In Mario Kart.
Everyone was seated as the funeral began. Dr. Fate went in front of everyone who was there, most of whom were still frequenting the buffet and hadn't bothered to sit down.
"Some say it was chance that brought us here today, I believe it was... fate?" He paused and looked around. Someone coughed. Dr. Fate went on. "Was it a horrible accident that Graham hit that bus full of children before veering onto the sidewalk where people were having a walk to promote autistic awareness, hitting that child and doing four flips causing his car to catch on fire and eventually his death after he couldn't figure out how to manually unlock his car or was it... fate? …. C'mon people…Fate! Ugh. No one?" After another awkward silence Dr. Fate continued. "There are no words to describe the sort of hero Beast boy was... Beast Boy was… uh…" He paused again then scratched his butt. "Would anyone else like so say something?"
Jayna raised her hand, wiping the lipstick that Flamebird had left all down her neck off.
"Would anyone like to say something about Graham."
Jayna put her hand down, looking around embarrassed with an innocent smirk.
"Alright Jayna, come say a few things."
"Hi everyone! My name is Jayna! Me and my brother Zan were part of the Super Friends! Does anyone remember?"
Superman and Batman looked at each other in confusion, while Wonder Woman snorted as she laughed at something that Captain Nazi was talking about, not even aware that Jayna was looking at her. Dick Grayson was scratching his head and Aquaman, as usual, looked really really angry.
"Oh well, I guess no one remembers! Anyway! We haven't been heroes for awhile, Zan has been selling cars at Carry's Automotive and I have been doing stand up! I wanted to say a few jokes real quick, I am on every friday at the Holiday Inn on 24th here in Gotham!"
Hawkman beltched.
"Okay, first, I wanted to say that my opinion on abortion has always been split. It's a hard topic for me, because on one hand I am all for killing children, but on the other... I really don't think women should have control of their bodies!"
With the exception of Angel, who was falling out of his seat in laughter, the entire crowd looked at her in shock.
"Uhm, I believe you are… fated… to talk about Beast Boy." Dr. Fate said nervously.
"Ohhhhh sure!" Jayna said before pausing for a moment. "If you're having consensual sex with Beast Boy and he turns into a horse..."
"OKAY you're fated to go!"
"But my joke isn't finished!" Jayna said in confusion as she was ejected from the stage.
"Anyone else? Or is Beast Boy fated to go unnoticed, into the next life without a farewell from this one!"
Batwoman stood up. "I would like to say a few things." She walked slowly from her seat and took the stage. "It is rare to find someone like Garfield, someone so bright, so carefree, he was so full of life. He was always so optimist and loving no matter what demons and hardships he's had to face in his own life. His trials were always the second priority, and the lives of his friends were always first. In life he was a friend, in death he will leave a hole that we cannot hope to fill with another person because there are no other people like him, we can only hope to take the laughter, the fun, the good times that we shared and put them in our hearts and hope that time really does heal all wounds."
Batwoman paused for a moment, a single tear streaming down her cheek. "Oh Gar, I really wish you were here. I would trade you places in a heartbeat if only to prevent the robbery of such a beautiful soul. I'll miss you, and I hope that no matter what roads your soul travels you will find the time to say hello to me once in awhile. Please forgive me, please forgive that I wasn't able to save you, that none of us were. We love you Gar, we always will. You were too good for this world, too good for this life."
"GAAAAAAAAY!" Angel shouted from the back row, moving Black Canary out of the way to get up and yell at Batwoman.
"I agree! Beast Bitch stole 15 bucks from me, so much for friends first!" Cyborg yelled
Superman took the stage next, "Whoever owns a teal 1994 Pontiac Firebird, your lights are on"
After announcing this, Superman sat down in Poison Ivy's seat after she'd gotten up, mumbling to herself and heading towards the parking lot.
"Anyone else?"
Stares and mumbles were within the crowd, Captain Marvel stood up but it turns out he was just getting a refill of orange shasta. Zatanna got up, but then sat down again. Cyborg felt like he should say something, even though Beast Boy was a traitor who had lied and betrayed Cyborg and the team in general there was still something he felt he needed to say, but his mind changed when an impatient Hawkman rose to his feet knocking Oracle out off her wheelchair and spilling a plate of Chex Mix all over Deathstroke the Terminator.
"I THINK WE SHOULD GO TO THE CEMETARY NOWWWWW! THERE'S A SALE ON LITTLE DEBBIE OATMEAL CREAMPIES, AND IF WE DON'T HURRY BY THE TIME I GET THERE THEY'LL BE GONNNNNE!" Hawkman yelled, knocking the casket open as he ran out and got in the passenger seat of Hawkgirl's 1978 Dodge Dart.
Cyborg, Tim and Bart got into Cassie's car and they followed the funeral procession, nearly getting run down by Angel who screamed "The speed limit is 45 you fucking assholes!" as he barreled past everyone.
"So how are we going to divide Beast Boys stuff anyway?" Cassie asked.
"He doesn't own anything good." Bart said, kicking the seat
"He owns every Nirvana vinyl, signed by the band members." Cassie recalled.
"I know, that's why I said nothing good."
"You know, all things considered this is probably the worst day of my life." Tim said, staring out the window.
"Why's that Robin?" Cyborg asked.
"I have never been this bored, it's only 12:47 and it feels like it's time for bed. I... I didn't know it was possible to BE this bored." Tim just shook his head in disgust and continued to stare out the window.
At the gravesite everything went fairly quickly, though Angel yelled at everyone for being late. The casket was broken after Hawkman knocked it over, and seeing as both Angel and Blue Beetle had used it as a toilet no one really wanted to attempt to fix it so they put it in the ground as is and just dumped the dirt in the coffin as well. Funny thing about hero funerals, it's easy to dig and fill a hole.
"Well, that's that and good riddance." Cyborg said.
"Yeah, though Garth had 50 bucks for the water bill, I don't know how we're going to pay it now." Starfire said, as drool slowly streamed from the corner of her gaping crooked mouth.
"Wait... You mean... The 50 bucks he had was for a bill?"
"Yeah, he and I each paid half this month. We need the water incase Trigo..." Raven began to say before being cut off by Cyborg.
"I thought... I was... I thought he was being selfish, oh man. I can't believe I've been such a jerk."
"Do you know what will make you feel better?!" the voice belonged to Dick Grayson, A.K.A. Nightwing as he swung in from above and the Titans stared, eyes wide with smiles on all their faces...
"Nightwing? ROOT BEER FLOATS!" They all said in unison, knowing everything was right in the world.
The End!