Harry Potter and the Adult Adventure Series
(written by Rita Skeeter)
Disclaimer. J.K. Rowling owns the Harry Potter franchise. No copyright infringement intended. No Profit made.
AN: After a few people asked for it in PM's, after reading "Epilogue 19 years later: In which the good guys won bigger" specifically the part about Rita Skeeter cashing in on Harry's fame by writing a adult series on him... AU, Humor, Parody, Lime, Rated : M for overall safety, Horror: On Harry's behalf.
Sitting at his breakfast table in the lord's seat at Potter Manor, with his bushy haired wife was none other than the Boy-Who-Lived, Man-Of-Destiny, Wizard-Who-Vanquished, one of two wielders of the sword of Gryffindor in the last age, Order of Merlin 1st class twice, starting seeker for England National and in line for his first world cup appearance after a "Perfect Season," and Father of a ten month old son, Harry James Potter was eating and feeling at peace with the world.
Harry glanced over to his right; sitting in the seat was Hermione, naturally reading a book. Harry couldn't stop the amused snort that came from his mouth as he read the title of the book,
Nothing Will Were-me Down, My Life as a Stylish Wolfie-girl, By Lavender Brown.
Harry leaned in closer to read the back side of the cover jacket and read, "Foreword written by Remus Lupin. Photography provided by Harem Lord Colin Creevey."
Blinking owlishly Harry did indeed recall that some English Draculina named Seras had bitten and turned Colin into a vampire, and that Colin used his new found nether prowess to seduce no less than 21 witches at the moment into Magical Britain's first harem since 1669.
Harry thoughts turned to what everyone was up to four years after the Battle of Hogwarts, and said softly,
"Hmm, we won big and life is good."
Hearing her husband speak Hermione looked up from the book with pink cheeks, she had just finished reading chapter 69 where Lavender recounted losing her vaginal and anal virginity at the same time to the Weasley twins the night of their bachelor party.
Her eyes again being drawn to the naughty parts.
"...Oh it was brilliant, two 10 inch long 4 inch thick man-wands thrusting into me..."
"...I looked over to Parvati, and lol! Omg! She was getting shagged by Lee Jordan.."
"...Lee was really hitting Parvy's spots or something cause, when Parvy came she totally
squirted! And it was a lot too! Like, you know, she projectiled her girl-cum..Lee was soaked! All the way up to his chin!"
"...I knew Parvati let Dean deflower her back in third year and how she shagged Harry after the Yule ball in fourth*, so I knew it wasn't her first time like myself but still!"
"What's that dear?" she asked Harry her cheeks glowing red.
"Oh just thinking how great everything thing is now, and how I haven't been broody in ages, or felt the need to angst about anything at all."
"Yes dear," Hermione said with a fond smile. Once again her eyes where drawn to the sordid details
"...Yeah, so then Lee was buggering my arse like a champ, while the twins are cheering him on..."
"...Seamus and Neville where totally drunk at this point, Seamus was bragging that his willy was most likely bigger so what does Neville do? I was shocked! Nevile drops his pants while hollering something about putting the sword to shame and lo' and behold everyone, Neville whips out his 14 inch god-of-cocks.."
Hermione catching a glint of movement out of her eye, looked towards the open bay window.
"Oh look dear, Hedwig's bringing in the morning post" She said as the snowy owl flew in and alighted on her perch.
Harry stood and walked over to his familiar and removed the post, taking a moment to stroke her feathers.
"Hedwig thank you, and bacon's on the table" Sitting back down Harry began reading the various post. "Hmm, Padfoot begging me to take over the Black Wizengamot seat again"
"Oh really, that man needs some responsibility in his life" Hermione snorted in derision.
"Yeah well it's Padfoot after all" Harry said dismissively. Putting down the letter Harry noticed how red in the face Hermione was, wondering if she was ok Harry asked "Alright there 'Mione?"
"Yes! Now finish your post. I'm reading!" Hermione responded a bit loudly.
"...We never did find out why Romilda charmed Neville's hair black or his eyes green, but like you know Neville took a turn on her, and Faye, Hanna, Susan, myself totally! and Parvati, and even her sister the total prig Padma with that god-cock.."
"...Dean was shagging Parvati. And at this point I was rather sore lol! But watching Seamus bugger Padma, while Romilda was having her fourth turn with Neville, I was getting all wet and like needy anyways! ...But the twins had passed out, Lee was slumped over the bar table and Susan and Hannah were licking each others cunnys. And, like, you know, Harry while looking dashing in his England National Quidditch Robes was too much of a sweetheart to stray from Hermione. Then I noticed poor Colin the only bloke that hadn't had a shag sober or drunken, the whole night! And like remember this was a good seven months before he got all nether-sexy from being a vampire..."
"...Colin had so much energy! What bloke can shag four times in a row without needing a break?...to get hard again?...or without the stamina potion the twins had been passing out!"
Taking a deep and calming breath, Hermione set the book down and began sipping her tea, willing her cheeks to cool down.
"Oh, a note from Hagrid" Harry said. "All of Hedwig's chicks are starting they're owl post training" well that's neat Harry thought. "Oh look a post card from Ron." Harry said, missing the sneer on Hermione's face at the mention of the red haired menace. "It seems he failed his ninth try-out for the Chudley Cannons" Harry told Hermione. Hermione couldn't stop herself from laughing harshly. "Hermione?" Harry asked perplexed.
"Oh nothing Harry." Looking at the book again she had a thought.
"Harry you know, you never told me something."
"I can't think of a single thing about me you wouldn't know of" Harry said, looking at Hermione. Smiling, Hermione continued.
"Well, who and when was your first shag?"
Harry's eyes going wide, blurted out, "It was Katie Bell."
"Oh?" Hermione verbally nudged Harry to continue, and he obliged.
"..er, well, in third year when Gryffindor finally won the Quidditch cup, we were celebrating in the locker rooms when Oliver's girlfriend comes running in and set a box of potion phials down, grabbed Oliver, and dragged him into the captains private showers"
Flashback :
Angelina bent down to examine the phials and laughed as Harry watched.
"Oh look everyone" Angelina said, holding up a phial that contained a shimmering blue liquid. "Contraceptive Potions!" She giggled. "How about it George? I've been wanting my first shag for awhile you know" Angelina finished with a bright smile on her mocha skinned face.
"Oh she has you know, I've caught her diddling her pussy fives times so far after I told her how me and Fred have been shagging, muttering your name George." Alicia the Hindi witch said rather smugly, while grabbing Fred's robes and dragging him to a shower stall with a phial in hand.
Harry, whose thirteen year old hormones where hollering in jealousy, could only stare at the turn of events, his face so red it might as well have been outright on fire, missing the flashes of lights from the shower stall as Alicia put up various privacy and space expansion charms.
His attention was drawn back to Angelina's hopeful face as she asked George again.
"Well George gonna man up?"
"...I really want to, you know"
Harry noticed how nervous Angelina was getting as she started to fidget with the contraceptive phial. Harry jumped, startled, when George shouted.
"By the first wand of Circe herself YES!" And he ran over to Angelina, picking her up and carrying her to the shower stalls as Angelina laughed in joy.
"Oh my, how very fast everything escalated eh Harry?" a soft voice spoke next to Harry. Harry jumped, startled again, having forgotten Katie was next to him the whole time. Harry could only stare wide eyed at Katie, unable to say anything at all.
"Harry, you ok?" Then Katie giggled "Oh Harry, you're still a virgin right?"
Red-faced, Harry managed a "ghhghmm"
"Harry?" Katie asked trying not to laugh. "Well Harry, I thought after the whole Parselmouth thing, that at least a few of the better looking Slytherin girls would have asked for some flower-licking at the very least you know?"
Taking a deep breath, To steady himself , Harry responded.
"Well I did notice a lot of the witches from Slytherin watching me, but I never... er... did anything naughty." Harry concluded with a blush.
"Oh Harry, you're untouched!, how sweet" Katie said, while wrapping Harry in a hug.
"Harry, you know I'm in the year ahead of yours right?" Katie whispered hotly into Harry's ear.
"...Yes," Harry choked out, rather enjoying the warm hug.
"Well Harry, listen, I've had my first time already and if you want I'll holster your man-wand." Katie said with a lusty tone. She began licking and nibbling Harry's ear.
End Flashback
"Well Hermione, there you have it." Harry said.
"Katie was right, you know." Hermione said.
"About what?" Harry asked.
"Well a lot of us witches assumed, I guess, that you where having fun with the Slytherin witches from fourth through seventh year."
"Well I didn't. Katie was rather accommodating the rest of term." Harry said with a laugh "And that was it for me and sex, till the Quidditch World cup, where Ginny gave me a blow job a few times before and after the match, and till start of term at the Burrow."
"Oh well I knew about her doing that to you of course" Hermione answered.
"Did she tell you about her and Luna?" Asked Harry.
Hermione took a few moments to think.
"Well, I do not recall anything, But I am not to surprised, considering what we've done with our favorite moon pixie" Hermione said to Harry.
"That night after the sorting feast and all that in fourth year, Ginny asked to use the cloak so she could go get Luna. I thought nothing of it, that is until Ginny and Luna surprised me while I was taking my shower. Pretty much I gave Ginny her first shag, the funny part was Luna was to go next, but then Neville walked in." Harry blushed while he told Hermione.
"I don't know if you know this, but Neville is rather large, you know down there in the trouser area" Harry said. Hermione glanced at Lavender's book and responded.
"Oh, I've got a idea. I heard things about it, never saw anything myself."
"Well anyways Luna took one look at him naked, looked at my semi-hard cock slick with Ginny's juices and says. 'Hmm, Harry your Wand of virtue removing +1 is nice, but I want Neville's Hymen annihilator of might +2.' "
Harry and Hermione both started joyously laughing at this.
"Oh! That's our Luna alright!" Hermione gasped out. Hermione stood up. "I'm going to check on James, I'll return in a few minutes." Harry smiled lovingly at Hermione at the mention of their ten month old son.
As Hermione walked out of the dining room, she passed the guest reception area when the Floo flared in green flames, indicating the arrival of approved guest. She watched as two red haired witches stumbled out of the Floo drawing wands and vanishing the Floo dust.
"Hello, Ginny and Demelza!" Hermione called out in greeting.
" 'lo Hermione," Ginny returned.
"Hi, Hermione," responded the always cheerful Demelza Robbins.
"Where's Harry at the moment?" Ginny asked Hermione.
"Oh, he's in the dining room, going through the morning post he received" Hermione told the Holyhead duo.
"Oh good. He'll want to be sitting when he sees this" Demelza said waving what Hermione knew to be a book still in its shipping wrapping.
"Well I'm going to tend to James, then I'll join everyone at the table."
"Okay," the two Harpies said at the same time as they dashed off down the hall.
Harry had just finished reading a report about the 2nd string seeker from his team captain and opened Luna's letter, when he looked up with a start, because the door slammed open and Ginny and her friend Demelza dashed to the table.
"Harry, good!" Ginny said. "You need to see this." Ginny indicated a wrapping package in Demelza's hands. Demelza hopped over the chair and sat directly on the table and handed the package to Harry. Harry was distracted for a moment at the sight of Del's silky knickers as her skirt raised and settled.
Harry took a few more seconds before taking the package from Del's hands, missing the look that the two Harpies gave each other. A look that said, " '5 galleons says he Bombarda's the book,' 'you're on!' "
Finally unwrapping the package Harry stared in dread and mounting horror as the title was revealed. 'Harry Potter and the Almighty Arousal of Moaning Myrtle,' authored by Rita Skeeter : Part one of seven of the new Harry Potter Adventure (adult series).
"MERLINS REEKING ARSE CLEFT! WHAT IS THIS?!" Harry shouted.
AN 2: In my universe Harry and even most of the HP cast, didn't have the, I'll say 'social interaction problems' they had in canon. Harry wasn't crippled by being nigh-antisocial. He had more than two friends and such. Hermione, still brilliant had her dreams come true when everyone liked her for it.
Neville has a hammer in his pants that came with innate confidence lol.
*The Yule Ball, Hermione in her typical and loved fashion organized her friends the outfits worn, who went with who. For the Curious:
Harry went with Parvati, they had fun and sex after. Much to the amusement of the group.
Seamus went with Lavender, Seamus got drunk, Lavender made off with a french wizard.
Dean went with Fay Dunbar, they dated for a while.
Ron went alone and drunkenly made off with Eloise Midgen, and sucked off Draco, something Slytherin never let Ron forget-ever...
Hermione went with her at the time boyfriend, Ravenclaw Terry Boot. She chose that night for her first time with Terry. It was great! They would stay a couple till that summer when Terry doubted Harry about the return of Voldemort.
Neville took Ginny. They had sex too after. Which turned into a mini-orgy when the two where joined by Hannah Abbot and Susan Bones, who found the empty classroom they where in.
Demelza went with a visiting Oliver Wood. Oliver was a perfect gentlemen.
Luna went with a French Witch.
AN 3: A Big thank's to Gandalf's Beard, for the beta work he did.