Disclaimer: I do not own this or the wonderful characters. I do, however, own the display names ;)
Summary: In which Clint is a jerk, Tony hates sitting in booths next to freakin' sexy super-soldiers, and Steve doesn't understand the concept sexting. Super hilarious fluffy slashy oneshot! :D
A/n: Heeey guys! I am really super slap-happy right now because I'm getting sick (too much junk food), and I got this idea about an hour ago, so I whipped this up for all of you to enjoy before I go deep down into a chocolate-induced coma. I had so much fun writing this, like seriously, I was giggling the whole entire time. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did writing it! :D Thanks, I love you all! (Oh, and I had to look up all the acronyms, so if you don't get some of them, please don't blame/ask me, because I really don't text that much so I really won't know what they mean either lol.)
"Hey Tony," asks Steve, walking into Tony's lab, his eyes looking down at his iphone in his hand and his brow furrowed in a deep concentration, "what does 'hywu' mean?"
Tony looks up from his blueprints and raises an eyebrow. "It's 'hey you, what's up'."
"Oh." Steve looks back down at his phone, his expression as confused as ever, and Tony sighs, leaning away from his work. He and Bruce have been toying around with the idea of a teleportation machine for a while now, but Tony woke up this morning and thought, what the hell, and began to sketch out the details. He'd been up since 4AM, and Tony guesses that it's sometime around noon. He guesses this because the only person who would send Steve a text like that and leave the super-soldier puzzling over it would be Clint, and he doesn't normally wake up until noon. So, coming to that conclusion, instead of asking Steve what time it is, he asks,
"Who sent you that?"
"Clint."
Damn. He was brilliant.
Steve bites his lip and holds his phone in his left hand while he pokes at the screen with his right pointer finger, and Tony feels kind of horrified—because really, who the hell texts like that?
"Steve," Tony says slowly, as he was addressing a child or a frightened animal, "what are you doing?"
"I'm texting him back—" Steve gets cut off when his phone vibrates in his hand and he nearly drops it, making a soft noise of surprise. Tony watches as his expression goes from surprised to blank, then to bewildered.
"What'd he say?" inquired Tony rather dully. He should have seen this coming. Of course he would be the one who would have to teach a 90 year old man how to use a touch screen and reply to acronyms.
A 90 year old man with a damn fine ass—holy shit, bad mental picture.
"'Cmon rly, giar u guyz'," says Steve, and he glances up at Tony with this helpless expression and Tony can't keep the thought of adorable from popping into his head. "What is that supposed to be?"
"He's annoyed because we're together," explains Tony.
"How did you get that out of that?" asks Steve, looking at the billionaire with a kind of wonder, as if Tony had just pulled a monkey out of thin air.
"I speak Clint-inese," replied Tony, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. "It's a very hard language for normal people to master."
"I—" Steve's phone buzzes again, and this time the super-solider reads, "'Fcol, gfi alrdy'", and this time, Steve's expression is basically screaming, Help!
"Hang on," Tony says warily, and he whips his own cell out of his back pocket and quickly types a message to Clint.
Cmansbiggestfan: Quit harassing Steve, u jackass.
Cmansbiggestfan: WTF? Did u change my display name?
Badassbird: Mayyyyybe ;)
Cmansbiggestfan: GODDAMMIT CLINT, DON'T TOUCH MY PHONE.
Badassbird: Just wait 'till some1 calls u
Tony reads the message, then turns to Steve, who had now moved over to his desk and is looking peering at the blueprints. "Steve," Tony says, and Steve jumps slightly and whirls to face Tony, as if he's been caught doing something scandalous like making out with Reese Witherspoon instead of looking at one of Tony's ideas.
They just don't make innocence like that anymore.
"Yes?" Steve asks, tilting his head slightly and a strand of his hair falls in front of his eyes and Tony has to remind himself how to breathe.
"Call my phone."
"But why—?"
"Just do it, Spangles," Tony all but snaps, and Steve glares at him for the nickname but does as he's told. Tony's phone vibrates, then the tune of Justin Bieber's Baby choruses through the room, and Tony is surprised that he doesn't break his phone in half.
Cmansbiggestfan: YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Badassbird: Knew u'd lov it ;)
Cmansbiggestfan: HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET MY PHONE ANYWAY?!
Badassbird: Jeez, so much hate from the caps lock. :/
Cmansbiggestfan: I'M SERIOUS YOU BASTARD, I WILL END YOU
Badassbird: Relax, it wasn't ALL me. Loki is a pretty good asset.
Badassbird: And speaking of ASSets, Steve's got a pretty good one. (ASSets? Ass? Get it? :D)
Tony just stares at his phone for a few seconds, unaware of Steve, who had apparently moved closer and within touching distance while Tony was occupied. So, when Steve asked if he was okay, the only reason why he jumped and flushed was because of his anger at Clint. Yep, just his anger, no hidden motives for blushing there.
"Clint's an evil bastard," says Tony simply. "Just block his number if he keeps sending you anymore confusing messages." Steve opened his mouth, but Tony cut him off by saying, "I'm hungry. You hungry? Let's go get sushi or something." Tony replies a quick,
Cmansbiggestfan: Fuck you, Barton
Then takes Steve's hand and leads him out of the lab, ignoring the buzz of his phone is his pocket as Clint replies.
Badassbird: Oh Tony, u wouldn't do that, u lov me 2 much.
Badassbird: Tony?
Badassbird: Stark, WTF? R u ignoring me?! U & Cap better not b making out!
Badassbird: Tony!
…
Tony and Steve go around and ask the other Avengers if they want to go to lunch with them (but Tony refuses to ask Clint, and surprisingly Steve does not object). Bruce was reading, Natasha was in training ("Trust me, Spangles, you do not want to interrupt her when she's training. That woman can punch harder than you."), and Thor was off visiting Jane for the day. Tony was actually kind of happy about that one, because for the past week everyone has been trying to teach the Asgardian how to use the toaster, and Tony swears to whatever deity is out there that it's like trying to teach a monkey how to read. (Well, they kind of already do that, so bad analogy—but anyway.)
Bottom line: it ends up being just Tony and Steve that go out for Sushi, and Tony is surprised to find himself more than okay with that. The billionaire has been trying to ignore the attraction he feels towards Steve for a while now, but Tony fears that it's useless. Like fighting a battle uphill in a snowstorm.
Wow, it must be bad analogy day.
Anyway, on one hand Tony is kind of freaked out about liking Steve—because Steve is Steve and he happens to be a guy and he knew his dad. Hell, when he first met the guy, Steve had called him "Howard" and Tony would be lying if he said that it didn't scare the shit out of him. (But then again, Steve had been half awake, and who could blame the guy who was basically having a sleep-hangover because fuck, it's not every day that a person crashes a plane and goes into a coma/sleep for 70 years.)
On the other hand, Tony is infatuated with the super-solider. He finds himself taking notice of the way Steve's hair swoops, how he smiles, how blue and big his eyes are. Steve is also sorta kinda perfect in every possible way, not only physically but personality wise as well. He puts up with Tony and basically hangs out with the billionaire every day, and not even Pepper can survive for that long. They're pretty close, and the half that wants to get closer to Steve grows each and every day.
Tony kind of wishes that was now, because the sushi shop is crowded, and the two Avengers are smushed together in a booth in the front corner of the shop next to the window, sitting side by side, their legs just barely not touching, and Tony thinks he might go crazy. He's sitting so close he can actually smell Steve, and it takes a lot for the billionaire not to lean over and burry his face in the super-soldier's neck and simply smell him.
After thinking that, Tony wonders when he became such a creep. He blames Clint.
Speaking of the devil, Tony feels Steve's phone vibrate—fuck, they are in public, don't do anything, Tony, fuck—and when Steve pulls out his phone, he glares at the screen before sighing and asking, "'Istm tht u2 r clse'?"
Tony huffs and glares at the message. "Ask him where he is. No, no, don't actually type the whole thing out—just hit WRU."
Steve gives him an odd look, but does so. Seconds after the message was sent, Steve's phone buzzed with a reply and Tony had to refrain from snatching the device from the blonde's hand. This time, Clint's reply was legible and both men read it out loud, "Watchin' chu."
Both Avengers jumped when there was a tapping on the window. Clint was on the other side of the glass, grinning like the idiot he was, and he made a heart with his hands. Tony glared daggers, and the assassin whipped out his phone, his fingers flying across the keyboard, and Tony ignored his phone's vibration. However, Steve didn't, and instead of a message, Clint had sent them a kissy faced emoticon. Steve got more confused than ever, asking Tony what that little symbol was supposed to mean, looking completely helpless and adorable.
Clint's grin widened. Tony flipped him off.
…
Tony: Hey, super-sexy.
Steve: Tony, you are sitting right next to me. Why are you texting me?
Tony: B/c I can't get u outta my head ;)
Steve: It might help if you talk to me. Wait until after the movie, though. I don't think Clint would appreciate you talking during the middle of it.
Tony: I could talk u up all night, baby.
Steve: …what?
Tony: Those clothes look good on u, but they would b better on the floor.
Steve: I thought you said you liked this shirt!
Tony: I do, but it wouldn't matter what u wore in bed.
Steve: Tony, are you tired? It's only 8:00!
"Oh for the love of—!" burst out Tony, standing abruptly from his seat on the couch, drawing all his other teammates eyes to him. The billionaire didn't care. He just glared down at Steve, who looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "Come here!" Tony grabbed the soldier's shoulder and pulled Steve up off the couch, then drug him away to the kitchen, away from the rest of the Avengers and their movie.
"What's up with them?" wondered Bruce.
"Steve sucks at texting," answered Clint offhandedly. Natasha and Thor shot him confused looks, but neither of them said anything and returned back to the movie.
"Honestly, four months—four fucking months—and you still can't tell when I'm flirting with you?" asked Tony, pulling Steve into the kitchen, crossing his arms over his chest as the super-soldier in front of him rubbed the back of his neck.
"Um…no?" answered Steve, unsure of himself. He looked at his boyfriend with an apologetic look—apparently, for the four months they had been dating, Tony would still drop hints to him that he didn't catch. "Wait, that was flirting? You were talking about how much you didn't like my shirt! That is not flirting."
Tony sighed heavily and uncrossed his arms. "Dammit Steve, you take all the fun out of sexting."
The soldier's brow furrowed, and Tony can literally hear the whoosh of the air as the meaning of that goes straight over Steve's head. "I thought it was called texting."
"It is—goddammit, nevermind," Tony huffs, and steps closer to Steve. "I'll do it the old fashioned way."
Steve cocks his head. "Do what the old fashioned way?" Tony smirks and steps even closer to him, standing on his toes to get into the Captain's personal space.
"I like this shirt," he whispered, his breath tickling Steve's ear as the billionaire reached up and began undoing the buttons of the soldier's shirt. "but I like it better off." Tony puts extra emphasis on the word 'off', and he pulls back. By the looks of Steve's intense blush, he gets it, and Tony grins.
"Um," stuttered Steve, putting his hands on Tony's shoulders and swallowing thickly. "Yeah. L-lets go."
Tony's grin widens as he pulls his boyfriend in for a kiss. "Atta boy."
However, they don't move from the kitchen, and sometime during their epic make-out session, the movie must have ended because Tony's phone vibrates in his back pocket. Pulling away from Steve's neck—which he had currently been devouring—he whips out his phone and reads a single message.
Badassbird: GET A ROOM!