A/N: This is a little tricky to explain. Seriously, the best explanation is that my mind is a black hole. If you've seen the movie Sliding Doors, that will help. If you haven't... just know I'm very particular about tense and the switches are there for a reason. This is like half written so I hope to have it finished posting shortly. The parts are a little shorter than normal and really, this story is very, very different for me so please let me know if you like what I'm doing. Additional inspiration, plus all titles, are taken from the song Something More by Secondhand Serenade. Thanks to Jen for the beta and encouragement. Thanks to Wendi for only laughing a little as we did parallel research.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this stuff. Or much of anything, really.

Part One: I Have to Start This Over

The minute she's gone on the train, it's like he switches over to pause. He wants to move, but he can't. He's just sort of standing there, even though he knows someone is gonna come over and probably somehow bust his balls for chasing the train. And yeah, he knows it's stupid and cliché and one of those totally lame things but they don't get it and they never will because they don't know. He doesn't really know either. Sure, he had a plan; he had to practice out what he was going to say like a hundred times because he was pretty sure it would take at least that many before he could get the words out without throwing up. And that would not be a good note to end on.

Instead, he got it out without crying, without choking up, and even if he didn't say all the words he can't remember how it felt or what he said. Or where he is. Or why he's here. Or what the hell he thinks he's doing. All he knows is they had a plan. He had a plan. There was a plan and now it's gone because she's gone and he's still standing here like an idiot. He's pretty sure it'll take him days to move. And even if it feels like days, it's probably only minutes because no one says a word to him. Or maybe they don't say a word to him because he's that guy. The one who chases the train and then stands there. Except he didn't stand there, he took off. He ran.

He stands there until eventually, there's feeling in his legs again. The only real feeling is actually some kind of pulsing, pounding, like when you can feel your heartbeat in your ears. Except his is through his whole body and really, it's kind of freaking him out. Did the last five minutes happen? Maybe it was five, maybe it was ten. He doesn't know. He isn't sure. The only thing he's sure of is that at some point, the 'don't know' is gonna stop working, stop making him numb, and the last ten minutes or so of his life are gonna really fucking hurt.

The second thing he feels is a hand on his shoulder. He kind of looks over at it without moving his head and wonders if it's attached to a person or where exactly it might've come from. And he's sure it looks weird when his eyes move and the rest of him doesn't because he's still sort of holding his breath. But his eyes recognize that hand, and honestly his shoulder kind of recognizes it too and before he can catch up to what he's doing, he's looking over at Mr. Schuester. He can see the worry, can see the words forming, but he can't feel it and he can't hear it. He just sort of assumes what comes out of his teacher/mentor/friend's mouth is "Are you okay?"

The numb sort of wears off and the feeling clawing through his chest is most definitely not okay. He's pretty sure his throat is still numb, or at least not working right, and so all he can really do is shake his head.

"She'll be back in a few days, Finn." He hears the words, and they're a little loud. It's like stepping out in to the bright sun after you've been in a dark closet or something, only y'know… with sound.

He still can't really do anything but shake his head.

Apparently Mr. Schue can't do anything but look at him and squeeze his shoulder.

And then, kind of like the clawing feeling, the words sort of come tumbling out of him and he forgets he's supposed to pay a little more attention to the shit he says in public.

"I broke up with her in the car because she wanted to defer and she has to go to New York. I…there's…I can't. There's nothing there for me right now and I can't just go 'cause she's… like, my wife and even if there's nothing better for me than this and here and her, I can't do that to her. I can't. I won't. I think… maybe there's something about all the stuff with my dad or maybe…maybe I wasn't ever supposed to leave and not getting accepted to Pace was like the universe's way of smacking me back down or something and I…"

Schue is in front of him with his hands on each shoulder and he's breathing hard and Schue takes advantage of the fact that he's, y'know, probably gonna pass out or die or something if he doesn't stop talking.

"This is… crazy," Schue finally says.

Emphasis on the crazy and yeah, like he knows. He gets it. He paced it out. He tried to think of anything else to do and this was the only thing that even…he just gets how extreme this probably seems, and he really understood it as Rachel begged him for a minute to catch up because he's the fucking jerk that let her think they were going to get married; he wants to marry her, it's just… he just can't. Anyway, Schue's talking.

"Finn, you've said for months she's the only thing worth having in your life and even if we thought that was a little maybe melodramatic or something… it's clear you've done a lot to deserve this love in your life. You need it to keep moving forward. Why are you throwing that away because some school passed? You were going to get her there even if she didn't get accepted. Why aren't you willing to fight on your own behalf the same way? You're worth the fight; your future is worth it." Schue's voice drops down. "More than anything, maybe she's worth it because the two of you are something greater when you're together than when you're apart."

He stares. Schue says all this stuff and he stares and then he tries to remember to breathe.

"I…I don't…." For some reason, as he hesitates and tries to find his words, he looks over his shoulder and he sees everyone standing there, still on the stairs or ramp or whatever where they hugged her. They're just sort of watching but trying not to be obvious about it and they're too far away to help him out 'cause he doesn't totally understand what it is that his (former) teacher wants him to do now.

Schue hasn't really been this pushy before. He's literally grabbing onto Finn's suitjacket, hand still on shoulder, and he turns them both before he starts walking and pushing, pushing and walking. "You have got to stop this. Break this stupid cycle where you build yourself up then let yourself get knocked down again. Yes, not getting in Pace is a huge hit. Yes, the Army denying your petition is a huge hit. Do not let them stop you entirely. You have to-"

The answer is basically automatic and overlaps Schue's last few words. "—complete the motion if you stumble." They might be Red Hot Chili Peppers' lyrics and totally random, but who cares?

"Do you have enough on you for a train ticket?"

He looks over, wanting to be all shocked and like of course not are you kidding about it but… actually he does have enough because they were gonna get married and then take off for a couple days so she'd tucked some cash into the console of his car and even if this is Cow Town, Ohio, he was not leaving it there long enough to come into the train station.

"Actually… yeah."

"Then let's go start this over, Finn. "

"It's not… it's not that simple."

Schue pats his shoulder as they reach the ticket window. "Sure it is. You put her on a train to do her a favor. Now I'm going to put you on one for the same reason. You'll thank me later."

The next few hours after Rachel left went something like this: he ran away from the train, ran away from the confused glances of their friends who were probably waiting to do some sort of "last time" dinner. Rachel was the first to leave, but she definitely wasn't the last, and Mercedes was scheduled to be the next one out in just two days on a flight from Columbus. For his part, Finn didn't run to Columbus or hop on a plane, but…

Speaking of Columbus, he ended up there about three hours after her train sped off in the almost-opposite direction.

See, he'd spent a bunch of time figuring out the words he would say but truthfully? He'd spent just as much time on this part, the part he felt like he should do even if it wasn't the part he wanted to do. He didn't want things for himself so much, he just wanted them for other people.

The first step in that direction was New York for her, but Columbus for him. Gahanna to be exact. The Military Entrance Processing Station to be even more specific. It wasn't quite as intimidating as it sounded and really, he stood in front of it for a long time that night thinking about what was going to happen and how things could go and… he eventually had to leave because a security guard asked him what he was doing and the best answer he could come up with was "staring."

Staring was impressive after the day he'd had, but the security guard didn't know that and (nicely) asked him to turn staring into moving. Eventually it was just staring at the ceiling in a small hotel room. Double beds had never really been big enough, but he felt so small that it didn't really matter.

He steps out onto the street from Grand Central and realizes he has no idea where to go. He's never even been inside this train station and he just sent her here? Can he call her dads and go back on what he'd told them—that this was for her own good and of course he's thought it through and no he isn't breaking her heart without good reason to do so? They were thrilled their daughter wouldn't necessarily be a bride before she can legally vote, but that doesn't mean they went easy on him as the arrangements were made. He's pretty sure they—nor Rachel—will go easy on him now.

He comes into New York City with $75 in his pocket, GPS that won't pull up on the right map on his phone, and about a thousand doubts all rolled into one nervous package and he's only sure of one thing: he needs this mulligan worse than anything he's needed before. He just wishes a little that he thought he deserved it.