A/N: Just a fun little piece that popped into my head. No time-line, but established McAbby.
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS.
A Spoonful of Caf-Pow?
Tony stuck his tongue between his teeth and waited for the elevator to descend to Abby's lab. In his hands he held a Caf-Pow!, which he dearly hoped would cure his friend's anxiety over whatever had prompted her frantic call to him just moments before.
"Okay, Abs, what's up?" he announced as he stepped into the scientist's domain.
A flash of white and black flew into him with astonishing force, sending him backwards several steps. Desperately, he clung to his caffeinated gift, only to find it was no longer in his hand. Abby bounded away, already sucking enthusiastically on the straw.
"I'm so glad you're here, Tony!" she squealed. "I have a major problem!"
"What is--oomph!" A small gray object made impact with his midsection; instinctively he grabbed at it and frowned. "Abby, why do I need Bert?"
"That is not Bert, silly." And she reached behind her monitor and pulled out a second stuffed hippo. "This is Bert. You are holding Bert's new girlfriend."
Upon closer inspection, Tony's hippo was revealed to be wearing a tiny black bow, printed with tiny skull and crossbones.
"Let me rephrase my question: Why do I need Bert's...girlfriend?"
"Because she needs a name!"
Tony was still trying to make sense of the situation.
"Abby, why does your stuffed animal need a girlfriend in the first place?"
Abby sighed as if the answer was obvious.
"Tony, you have to understand the way things work. McGee and I have been together officially for a while now, and Bert's a lonely bachelor without me. He needs companionship."
"So ask McGee to name her!" Tony made the mistake of squeezing Female Bert in his agitation and winced as she emitted a familiar fart.
"That would be weird! Tim's my boyfriend; you're my best friend. And as such, you're supposed to help me with stuff like this!"
"Naming farting stuffed hippos wasn't in the job description," he muttered.
"Just give me an idea. Come on--hit me." She waited expectantly.
Tony shrugged. "Ernie?" he joked halfheartedly.
She punched him in the shoulder. "This is serious, DiNozzo!"
"Exactly how serious?" he dared to ask.
"As in I will never speak to you again if you don't give me a real answer," she hissed in a surprisingly menacing tone.
Tony knew not to take Abby too seriously, but he was also well aware of the fact that his friend knew how to kill him without leaving forensic evidence--and she was very fond of Bert.
He took a deep breath and racked his brains for an answer that might make sense in Abby's rather strange mind. Nothing was presenting itself.
"What about that hippo from those 'Madagascar' movies?"
She wrinkled her nose. "Tony...have you ever seen those?"
"No," he said, and added, "they're for kids."
"Exactly," she replied, hugging Bert close to her chest. "Bert is an adult male. He needs a more sophisticated mate."
Choosing not to address this rather strange comment, Tony's thoughts turned to wishing Ziva would come bail him out. She'd probably suggest some really exotic Hebrew name with an in-depth meaning. Unfortunately, Ziva was home with the flu. Probably would be watching 'The Sound of Music' all day. Honestly, for an Israeli assassin, her taste in movies was-
"Mary." He'd meant it as a question, but it came out more as a statement. "Mary?" he revised.
Abby considered it, a sudden gleam appearing in her eyes.
"Like Mary and Bert from 'Mary Poppins!' How did you think of that?"
"Julie Andrews was in 'The Sound of Music' and 'Mary Poppins,'" he said, realizing that didn't explain why he was thinking about the woman in the first place.
Abby didn't seem to care. Tucking Bert under her arm, she plucked the female hippo out of Tony's hands and held it up with scrutiny.
"Yep," she said finally. "Mary works. Thanks, Tony!" And her arms flew around him once more, the twin hippos thumping his back.
"What's up?"
The two turned to see McGee watching them with confusion. Abby skipped away and slapped Mary into his chest, wrapping an arm around him awkwardly.
"Tony was helping me name your counterpart, Tim. Meet Mary."
The younger man blinked down at the toy. "My...what?"
Tony took this as his chance to escape.
"Well, it's been fun. See you two kids later." And he slipped out of the lab as Abby began to explain to McGee exactly why her stuffed hippo needed a girlfriend.