Title: The Reason
Author: Glenstorm
Email:
Category: Angst. Songfic
Timeframe: TPM. Age 25
Summary: At the end of TPM Qui-Gon reflects.
Spoilers: Major spoilers to the end of TPM and the JA books.
Disclaimers: Don't own them and, unless there comes some miracle from the Force, I never will either. Nor do I own the wonderful JA books, I'm just borrowing some moments in time and giving them a slight tweak to fit my purposes. I promise to put them back as I found them when I'm done
AN: This story is a songfic that was inspired by and is written along to Hoobastank's 'The Reason'.
Note: --text-- flashbacks. /text/ talk over Master/Padawan bond.
The blood red blade came scorching through the charged air. Its deadly song stuttered and choked as it found its target, burning hungrily through skin, muscle and bone.
Qui-Gon staggered as the blade entered him, fighting the shock of the fatal impact.
"Noooooooo!!"
The pain of Obi-Wan's scream ripped through him, a blade as solid as the demonic Sith Lord's and twice as sharp. I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. And suddenly he meant for so much more than just this moment.
He took a slight step back as the Sith withdrew his weapon, a great weariness falling over his limbs. He could see Obi-Wan's anguished face staring on from behind the laser wall, and he saw in that grief all the love that Obi-Wan had ever held for him. And it hurt. To be loved so despite everything he had ever done.
Qui-Gon's knees began to buckle. No! Not now! he cried silently. There was so much he had left to say. So much he had to ask forgiveness for…
--I'll never take another Padawan…
Master Jinn! I'll be thirteen in four weeks. You are my last hope…
Better not to train a boy if he has so much anger…
Better not to train… --
His knees hit the floor. /Obi-Wan. . . /
--No Obi-Wan. I am used to betrayal. I know exactly what it looks like. . .
You can be so dramatic sometimes, Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan is just a boy who made a mistake… --
/Padawan./
--I take Anakin as my Padawan Learner…
I take… I take Anakin… --
My Obi-Wan. My reason. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Cold metal rushed up to greet him and then Qui-Gon knew little else. . .
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You. . .
-- Qui-Gon Jinn gazed out of the window at the darkened city below, feeling the exhaustion of the past days thud through his tall frame. It seemed to him like every bone in his body had been turned to lead. Stiff and heavy.
But if that was the price to pay for the freedom of an entire planet, then he would gladly bear the discomfort. For Bandomeer had been saved from the clutches of his former apprentice and Offworld's destructive plans had been thwarted.
And it was all down to the twelve-year-old boy standing so quietly beside him. Qui-Gon and countless others owed him their very lives.
Qui-Gon shifted his gaze to find the silent face of Obi-Wan Kenobi, feeling as he did something long banished stir within his tightly shuttered heart. This boy had been ready to sacrifice everything for him, even after all he had said and done, and with that selflessness he had taught Qui-Gon an important lesson. The past was past. And now all he could do was learn from it and look to the future.
The shadows cast across his heart by Xanatos' betrayal were not permanent.
Obi-Wan could lift them. If only he let him.
The light would always defeat the darkness.
It was time to grow.
"Yoda has a new mission for us, Padawan," he said finally.
Obi-Wan's looked up at him, sea-green eyes meeting cobalt blue and Qui-Gon's heart gave a twist as he saw it all there in Obi-Wan's young face--all the defeat and pain, all the repeated rejections. His every struggle for acceptance, his every hope shot down before him in the past weeks. All evoked by that single word: Padawan.
How Qui-Gon longed to take it all back, to ask forgiveness for the mistakes of his stubborn heart. A heart that still had so much to learn, it seemed.
"Padawan?" Obi-Wan whispered, as if he couldn't quite let himself believe it. And Qui-Gon wished he could take that uncertainty away, too.
"Yes, Obi-Wan," he said, letting the protective ice that had encased him for so long melt from his face, transforming his expression into one of gentle kindness. "You would have given your life for me down in those mines, and in doing so taught me something very important…"
Qui-Gon stopped and turned to Obi-Wan fully, putting all his heartfelt sincerity into his gaze. "I would be honoured to accept you as my Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi," he said. "That is, if you still want me as your Master." Fool that I am.
The boy's eyes shimmered with a sudden, unparalleled joy and it took him a moment to form the soft words.
Qui-Gon waited, counting the seconds, until: "I gladly accept you as my Master, Qui-Gon Jinn."
Tears began to spill down the young face and Qui-Gon smiled gently, reaching out with a finger to wipe them all away, hoping that with them he could also take some of the hurt that he had caused.
He feared he would never be able to do that fully. But as he gazed down into those changeable depths he knew that he had finally found a reason to put the past behind him and start his life anew . . . --
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You…
-- "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan."
The Jedi knelt together upon the cold floor of the tiny cell in which Xanatos had imprisoned them. The frigid air of the Telosian night came seeping through their single, out of reach window, causing them both no small amount of discomfort.
"Sorry?" Obi-Wan sounded surprised by the words.
"You shouldn't be here, facing death with me. I should not have let you come."
"It was my decision to make, Qui-Gon, and I'm not sorry."
Qui-Gon smiled grimly at his former Padawan. "Even though you are cold and hungry?"
"I am where I should be," Obi-Wan stated softly. "By your side."
By your side… Qui-Gon swallowed and closed his eyes, for the moment overcome. This boy. This beloved boy. How could he have wronged him so, yet again.
'You're always so dramatic, Qui-Gon,' Tahl's voice floated down through his thoughts. 'Obi-Wan is just a boy who made a mistake. Do not hold him responsible for your failures with Xanatos…'
He winced inwardly. Is that what he'd been doing? It seemed that once again his stubborn heart had blinded him to something he should have seen all along.
There had been no betrayal here. Obi-Wan was just a young man who had done what he thought was right in the heat of a terrible moment. A mistake he had later paid dearly for. One that had cost him his innocence, his Master, and his place in the Jedi Order.
And he had borne it all like a true Knight. Without complaint or protest.
Qui-Gon shook his head. No, Obi-Wan was not Xanatos and never would be. When would he finally learn not to take everything so personally?
Opening his eyes he gazed sadly at his former apprentice. "I was overly harsh to you after what happened on Melida/Daan."
"No more than I deserved--" Obi-Wan started.
"No, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon stopped him, needing him to hear this. "It was much more than you deserved. My reaction was due to my own failings, not yours. I need you to know that. That I am sorry."
Obi-Wan stared at him, unsure of what to say.
Maybe there was no more to say. Qui-Gon moved across the cell to sit at Obi-Wan's side. And bringing to mind Tahl's gentle lesson on how something that had once been broken could be made again into something far more beautiful, he slowly reached out an arm to pull the boy to his side.
Obi-Wan froze, surprise showing clearly on his face. Qui-Gon had never been a demonstrative man and this sudden closeness revealed to the boy something he had barely known in his former Master.
Complete trust, unconditional love and final, total acceptance.
Yes, my Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon thought, though their bond wasn't yet repaired enough for Obi-Wan to hear. I'm finally learning.
Obi-Wan smiled slowly, perhaps reading something in his eyes, then relaxed and dared to move closer, curling slightly into the warmth that his Master offered with a final acceptance of his own.
Qui-Gon tightened his hold and sighed into the reddish hair now tucked beneath his chin, finding once more in Obi-Wan a reason to change what life had made him. And this time he would do it without a doubt or reserve.
And along with that enlightenment, he vowed that he would get them both out of here. --
And I just want you to know
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you. . .
--"I take Anakin as my Padawan learner."
A ripple of disbelief ran through the Council chamber, but all of that was drowned out in the sudden shockwave of hurt and betrayal that was rolling off Obi-Wan.
Qui-Gon almost flinched as his Padawan shut off their bond with such an abruptness that he actually felt it like a physical slap across the face.
Reeling internally he almost missed Yoda point out: "An apprentice, you have, Qui-Gon. Impossible to take on a second."
"The Code forbids it," Mace advised darkly.
Qui-Gon gave Obi-Wan a quick glance. /Please try to understand why I do what I do, I never meant for it to happen this way./
But of course Obi-Wan could no longer hear him, his shields were like permacrete walls as he stared stonily ahead.
The rest of the meeting went downhill after that, and when it was ended Obi-Wan stalked from the room without a backward glance.
The powerful engines thrummed steadily as the small vessel vaulted along the path that would return the Queen's company to Naboo.
Most of the ship's occupants were sleeping as Qui-Gon slowly made his way through the empty corridors, headed for the quarters he shared with Obi-Wan.
In the hours since the Council meeting, he had felt his sorrow over the present situation gradually give way to anger. Even now he was still fighting the writhings of irritation within him. Irritation at his apprentice.
He hadn't seen Obi-Wan since boarding and hadn't really made any attempt to find the smarting young man. Obi-Wan wasn't an easy target to track down when he did not wish to be found. Even for his Master on a ship such as this.
Blast him. His irritation spiked again.
How could Obi-Wan believe that he would push him aside so callously in favour of Anakin? Did he have so little faith in his feelings for him?
Did Obi-Wan even know he had spent the last year dreading the time when his Padawan would no longer be a part of his daily life?
Qui-Gon shook his head helplessly.
The door to the small room whisking shut behind him as he stepped over the threshold. The lights were dimmed, but a quick scan of the Force told him, much to his surprise, that he had found his apprentice, asleep upon his bunk, one arm dangling in its usual posture, an escapee from covers that kept space's chill at bay.
Almost without meaning to, Qui-Gon moved over to where the young man rested and gazed down.
And was caught.
Obi-Wan looked so young lying there. The boyish face, eased of troubles within sleep's loving embrace, held a childlike innocence that was almost painful to behold, and for a while Qui-Gon just stood there, counting the minutes on each gently drawn breath as his heart slowly softened.
All the hard feelings and harsh words that had taken place between them this day faded away to inconsequence. His irritation dissolved, allowing him to think without anger for the first time since leaving the Temple.
With tentative fingers he reached out to brush Obi-Wan's cheek, a touch so light that his Padawan did not even stir. It was a rare thing to be able to creep up on Obi-Wan asleep. In fact, Qui-Gon believed he was still the only one who could do it.
He realised with a pang just how much trust Obi-Wan put in him.
And I've hurt him. Again. Inadvertently perhaps. But deeply nonetheless.
Qui-Gon sighed. He really hadn't meant for events to happen this way.
He had imagined such joy in Obi-Wan when he finally recommended him for his Trials. But instead all he had caused was upset and hurt. Now Obi-Wan felt rejected and betrayed.
And it was all his fault.
How could he have expected Obi-Wan to believe himself ready for his Trials when his own Master had never given any indication that he was until now?
Hadn't he just told him right before that cursed Council meeting that he still had much to learn?
Hadn't Obi-Wan had to fight for his acceptance all those years ago. Qui-Gon had feared it, had tried to make up for those past hurts, but it seemed that, deep down, the initial rejections had left their mark.
Now he added on top of all that: I take Anakin as my Padawan Learner…
Qui-Gon closed his eyes as the extent of his blindness hit him full in the face.
Oh, Obi-Wan, you do have such a fool for a Master.
He sighed wearily. It seemed Jedi or not he was still human. Only human. Prone to the same fallibilities as every other mortal in this galaxy. His status as Master could not change that fact. He had faults. He made mistakes.
He just hoped Obi-Wan could forgive him. Forgive him his thoughtlessness and understand that his place in Qui-Gon's heart could never be replaced by another. Not by Anakin. Not by anyone.
Qui-Gon prayed that he had shown his Padawan at least that much after all these years.
Because without him, Qui-Gon could not be the Jedi he was today. In the light, freed of bitterness and the shadow of betrayal.
He only wished he could be freed of his occasional, hurtful short sightedness, too.
With a sigh, Qui-Gon leaned down and, as he had done many times when Obi-Wan was young, he brushed a light kiss to the sleeping brow before retrieving the wayward limb and tucking the covers more securely about him. Then he retreated to his own bunk and settled down for sleep.
No, he would never be faultless. But if there was ever a motive for him to continue trying to do better, to be more than he was before, Obi-Wan was his reason.--
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you…
The relentless, fevered buzzing ceased leaving a breathless silence in its wake.
And for a moment there was nothing, until: "Master."
Footsteps came rushing across the frozen space. Then gentle arms lifted him from the unforgiving floor, enveloping his failing body in warmth.
"Master." Another desperate whisper.
Qui-Gon opened his fading eyes to look into that beloved face one last time. "Too late, my young Padawan."
A violent shake of denial. "No." He could feel Obi-Wan's whole body trembling beneath him.
My dear Padawan. Qui-Gon did his best to surround them both with soothing energy, trying to prepare Obi-Wan for what was to come and what he had to say.
"Promise . . . promise me you will train the boy…"
A fervent nod. "Yes, Master," Obi-Wan's voice sounded infinitely younger than his twenty-five years.
A slight smile touched Qui-Gon's lips. Pride swelled within his ruined chest. Obi-Wan… Lifting two once strong fingers he caressed Obi-Wan's cheek, letting all the love he had ever felt pass over in that single touch as he traced the path of tears shed, of those that were falling and the path of those yet to come.
/My Obi-Wan. Forgive me…/ He tried to get out all that he wanted to say.
But Obi-Wan seemed to know his thoughts. Knew everything in his heart without him having to say a word. And Qui-Gon eased. His fears set to rest in the depths of those blue-green eyes even before Obi-Wan could speak.
/No, Master, there is nothing to forgive. Nothing./
Qui-Gon's breath hitched and Obi-Wan instinctively tightened his hold. /Just try to stay with me, Master/ he pleaded. /Don't… I need--I-I can't-- Just please stay with me!/
The shake of Qui-Gon's head was almost imperceptible. Knowing painfully that what Obi-Wan asked could not be, no matter how much he might wish it different. His hand dropped to Obi-Wan's where it rested on his chest. He had to have the courage go on alone now. Without him.
"H-he is the Chosen One, Obi-Wan," he whispered, wanting to give his beloved Padawan a purpose, a reason to rise after he was gone. "He will bring balance. Train him."
He hung on just long enough to witness Obi-Wan's answer. Then the world grew dark. His last sight that of his apprentice agreeing to his final wish. And he knew in that moment everything would be alright.
With a contented sigh, Qui-Gon settled back into the arms that held him, repeating Tahl's final words from all those years ago. /Let my last moment be this one/
Then he slipped away, answering the call from the eternal shores of the Force and knowing that Obi-Wan was the reason he able to go at peace and, most importantly of all, with an open heart.
And I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You
And the reason is You…
The End