AN-This is another thing I wrote due to my muse being in a funny mood. MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH in this one. I do apologise before you read but I needed to work this out my system.
As Pride stood there he wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel right now. He stood watching everything and he felt people walk past him patting his arm after speaking to the family. He needed to get out, but for some reason he was needed which he didn't understand why. No one seemed to get he wanted to be alone, he didn't want to be here. He didn't want any of this to be real, even though he had been there and saw it all. He kept playing the events over in his head hoping the end was different but it was always the same, blood and death. He started to move and felt a hand slot in his, it was no surprise who's hand it was as he knew the hand so well.
"Linda, I was just..." But he trailed off and looked at her, as he knew she would see through any lie he came up with.
"Come on, you need some space and fresh air" she kept a hold of his hand and dragged him through the crowd of people and outside.
Walking them over to a bench away from the crowd and out of sight of all the people she made him sit down. When she sat him down she finally got a good look at him, he looked so tired and worn out. She could tell he hadn't slept in a while and he was running on coffee and adrenaline. She wasn't sure what she could say or do to help, other than take his hand in hers and squeeze it hard. He gave a weak smile when she squeezed his hand so he was at least taking notice.
"Linda I feel so helpless, there was nothing I could do. I tried but it wasn't enough and now it's too late. It was my job to protect them and looked what happened" as he rubbed his spare hand over his face.
"Dwyane you did all you could, this is not your fault. Please don't blame yourself, you know that's not how it works and that's not what they would want you to do is it" as she slid across the seat to sit next to him and wrapped her arm round his shoulder.
"I can't get help it, I keep playing it over and over in my head and looking to see what I could have done differently and it's just so wrong, all of this is wrong. It should have been me, I was ready this time. I saw the bullets coming through the air and I waited, but they never came. I would trade places in a second to make this right" as he finally felt his emotions getting the better of him.
Linda was waiting to catch him as he slid sideways and let the tears fall. She turned to pull him to her as he finally broke down at the death of his colleague and friend. The problem was Linda knew this was more than just grief for a work colleague and way more than grief for a friend. This was family, someone Dwayne had let get close, let in passed his tough exterior and loved.
She held him as he cried, something he didn't do very often. She had to feel a little grateful after what he had just said that it wasn't his funeral she was at. No matter how long they had been apart and divorced he was a still a special person in her life and always would be. She never wanted to be the one to tell Laurel it was her father that had been killed, though it had been Linda who was there when Laurel found out who had been killed in the latest fall out.
Slowly she felt him gain control as his tears subsided but he stayed with his head on her shoulder. She waited to see what he would do but he didn't move.
"Dwyane we really should get back, you can't hide from everyone. People in there need you," said as she nudged his head and he lifted it off her shoulder.
"I don't want to be needed. I need space, I need someone to be there for me for once," as he squeezed Linda's hand.
"I am here Dwayne but it's not me you need is it?" As she moved back and watched his face as he took in what she said.
"Don't look at me like that Dwyane it won't work, after 23 years of marriage I know you better," as Linda smiled at the way he was trying to put up a front.
"Come on let's go back inside then," he avoided the conversation and stood up but he kept a hold of her hand.
As they walked back in he thought over Linda's words and of course she was right, she wasn't who he wanted or needed right now. The person he wanted and needed was busy dealing with their own grief, and even though they had tried to be there for him he pushed them away. They didn't need his emotions on top of their own so he would not got there. Entering the main office again the place was still full of people which he was hoping would have slowly started to empty this late on. No such luck, he couldn't escape so he had to mingle again.
Linda kept a hold of his hand till they got back inside but tried to let go once there were surrounded by people. The problem was Dwayne wouldn't let her, he kept a tight grip making sure she stayed with him. Looking over at him she saw the way he was looking around and carrying on as if everything was normal. She tried one last time to get him to let go of her hand but he still had a vice like grip on it.
"Dwayne you need to let go, you need to mingle without me by your side. Go," and she finally felt his grip loosen a little.
"If I let go come and meet me later, we can talk more. I need you Linda," he locked eyes with her and she saw just how much he was hurting.
"Alright, I will find you when everyone has gone home okay, now go." She smiled at him and finally felt him drop her hand and walk away.
She needed to sort this mess out as she watch him walk away in the complete opposite direction of the other person in the room watching him. She watched as Dwayne walked over to Christopher LaSalle's desk and ran his finger down the edge of the picture frame of his friend. She knew how much it had hurt him to watch as LaSalle bleed out in his arms as he held him and told him it would be okay. Linda had dragged the details out of Brody to what had happened as she knew Dwayne would never tell her himself. She knew why he felt guilty as it was Christopher who threw himself in front of Dwayne as the bullets came towards him and pushed him out the way.
Looking around the room she spotted Brody, again still watching Dwyane as he stood at Christopher's desk. She looked over the young woman and her heart broke for her. She could see by the way she looked at her now ex-husband that Brody had feelings for him. She knew Brody had tried to help Dwyane but he had pushed her away. She understood better than anyone why, more so today. He was terrified to let anyone else get close, let anyone else in. No matter what he felt for Brody Dwayne would keep her at arm's length now. He had lost Christopher and he did not want to let Merri in and risk losing her as well. Especially since it would be on a much more personal level if he let her in which Linda knew was what they both wanted.
Picking up a drink from the table she made her way over to where Brody stood still watching Dwayne.
"Hey Merri, stupid question but, how you doing?" She watched Brody stir from her thoughts and turn to focus on her.
"Ohh hi Linda, I am okay I guess" as she looked at Linda and back across the room at Dwayne.
"How long have they said for your arm?" Linda nodded to the sling in Brody's arm.
"Another week, maybe two depending on how it heals and how much I use it" she looked down at the sling covering the two gunshot wounds she had received in the firefight that had led to the events of today.
"Linda can I ask you something please?" Brody turned to face Linda and tore her eyes away Pride.
"Speak." She repeated a famous word that she knew Dwayne used a lot, causing Merri to smile a little.
"How is he? He won't talk to me, I am sure he's avoiding me actually. Everytime I go near him he finds a reason to leave the room or finds something to do. I don't know what to do. I want to be there but he seems so distant and standoffish. I just want to..." but stopped herself from finishing the sentence when she realised where it was going but she couldn't stop the stray tear that ran down her face.
Linda knew what Brody was about to say or could hazard a guess at least. Coming up to stand beside Brody she took her free hand and lead her out through the doors and took her to the very seat she had sat on with Dwayne an hour ago. Sitting them both down she looked at Brody and smiled.
"I think it's time you and me had a little talk about what it's actually like to fall in love and stay in love with Dwayne Cassius Pride," she saw the look on Brody's face at what she had just said.
"Who says I...What makes you think ...I didn't mean to..." but Brody gave up trying to form a full sentence when she saw Linda a laugh a little.
"I have seen the way you look at him when you think no one is looking. I have heard the way you talk about him and how, like now, all you want to do is protect him from all this and convince him none of this is his fault. After all the years I was with him I know how tough it can be to love him, and how tough it is for him to let people in. He's hurting and he needs you, he thinks that by pushing you away it won't hurt if anything happens to you like it has now with Christopher. Go to him and make him open up, push him till he gives. That may seem harsh but it's the only way to get through. I know it's not easy but it's what you both need. You need each other and not just professional, when this is over and everyone is gone go to and talk. Make him see you won't give up till you win" she squeezed Brody's hand and smiled.
"Thank you, I really need to do a better job at hiding my emotions. I didn't know it was so obvious how I felt about King till now," she looked at Linda and smiled a little.
"It's only obvious to me, I have been there so can see how much you care for him. I think Christopher knew as well, he spent enough time around you guys. He would be happy for you if you can get Dwayne to stop being a stubborn jackass and take hold of what's right in front of him" said as Linda moved and slid her arm around Brody's shoulder.
Seeing movement out the corner of her eye she saw people leaving the office. It was time to go back, she squeezed Brody's hand as they both stood up and made their way back to the office. On arriving they saw Christopher's family were the last ones to leave as they stood talking to Dwayne. Linda let go of Brody's hand and pushed into the office as she followed behind her. When Christopher's family saw Brody enter they stepped up to her and spoke to her and gave her hug and shook her hand as they left. Linda stayed out the way as this was about Brody and Dwayne saying the farewells to Christopher's family, it wasn't till they were gone that she came back out the kitchen to find Brody standing at her desk looking around the office. Looking around she saw Dwayne was gone and knew what he had done.
"Go find him Merri, he's away upstairs waiting for me. He's confused and hurting and he wants me to make it better" as she saw the look of confusion and hurt cross Brody's face.
"He wants me as I am safe, we have a history so he thinks that history will keep him safe from now. He thinks by turning to me I can make this alright for him. It's not me he wants and deep down he knows that, it's you he needs but he will keep you at arm's length to stop himself getting hurt. You need to show him that you won't give up till he sees the truth. Go up and start the slow process of putting you both right, and start to heal over what happened" Linda gave Brody a hug and walked her to the foot of the stairs in the yard.
Brody looked at the Linda and then slither of the door she could see and back at Linda. Nodding her head she made her way up and stopped outside the back down she saw Linda smile and gesture for her to walk in. Brody took a deep breath and turned the handle as she entered the room knowing she was taking a big risk but she need to sort this out, for both their sakes.
Linda watched her enter the room and turned to walk away back in to the office. She entered the office and saw the place needed a quick tidy so for peace of mind she started to tidy up but also to stay close by just in case things went south upstairs and she was needed. When she was finished the place looked the same as it always had except the big framed picture of LaSalle that sat on his desk from the funereal. Walking up to the picture she couldn't help but smile. As she ran a finger down the side of the picture she looked at the two others desks in the room before looking back at the picture.
"You watch over them for me Christopher, they both miss you so much but they have each other and will get through this" she spoke to the picture.
"I'll watch over them but you need to make sure they don't kill each other, I can't do everything," was the response she could almost hear Christopher giving her back.
"I will I promise," she bent and kissed the picture before turning and leaving the office.
As Brody entered Prides room she took another few deep breaths and closed the door. She looked around and realised it had been a while since she was in here. As she walked further in she saw the pictures that were on the shelves that had LaSalle in had been laid flat. She could understand that the way she felt at this moment in time. She caught movement to her right and stopped still to get a better look at Pride as he moved around making what looked like coffee. All she wanted to do was take his hands in hers and pull him to her as she held him close and told him they would get through this.
"What's taking you so long to come in?" As he turned and look at the still form of Brody standing not far from him.
They just looked at each but never spoke. She saw the way he looked at her arm still in the sling and she was sure she saw a flash of pain cross his face when he did. She had to bite her lip to hold back the avalanche of emotions bubbling to the surface. She knew one of them should speak but she didn't trust herself to do it, if she opened her mouth she would lose the very little control she had and that would be it. So she looked at down at her feet as she felt the tears start to form at the corners of her eyes and she knew if she started she wouldn't stop. She kept her head down trying with no successes to keep it together.
Pride stood and watched her as she looked straight back at him. He saw how she bit her lip, she only ever did that when she getting upset. God forgive him, he had pushed her away and look what had happened. She was a mess and it was his fault again. She was there when it happened, she was still carrying the injuries from trying to save both himself and LaSalle. She needed him and he had pushed her away to save himself getting hurt. He saw her eyes fill with tears as she dropped her head to look at the floor. When he saw the lone tear drop from her face he nearly ran to gather her in his arms and hold her.
As his arms wrapped round her she finally let go, she was safe and he was there. Everything that she had held in since that fatal day came flooding out, she couldn't stop it it even if she tried. She felt his arms pick her up and she felt him sit down with her as she buried her face deeper into his neck. She felt a hand on her head as his other hand ran up and down her back. She could hear him whispering in her ear as she fell apart but she had no idea what he was saying. All that mattered was he was there, finally there and he had a hold of her.
That was all she had wanted since she watched the blood pool on the floor at her knees from the gunshot wounds on LaSalle's body. It was all she had wanted since she saw Pride kiss LaSalle on the forehead as he cradled him as he died. It was all she had wanted since she heard the doctor pronounce his time of death. Though she had been shot it didn't matter then as it had made no difference. Now it was real she clung on to him in case it was a dream and she woke up and he was gone. Nothing else mattered now, LaSalle was gone and Dwayne was holding her.
As he pulled her to him he felt her let go and everything hit her all at once. Everything she had witnessed that day, the injuries she had substances trying to protect them both. They all became so very, very really and very painful. The flood gates opened and her body gave up fighting as she collapsed against him. He was lucky he had his wits about him as he scooped her up and he walked to the bed. As he sat down and moved back to support himself against the wall he felt her bury her head in his shoulder as the tears flowed freely. He rested a hand on her head as he stroked her hair as his other hand ran up and down her back to try and sooth her. He whispered in her ear that he had her and she was safe and he wouldn't let go. He had no idea if she could even make out what he was saying but he needed to say it for his own peace of mind probably more than hers. Why had he waited so long to do this? He thought by pushing her way he could keep them both safe yet all it had caused was pain.
Brody had no idea how long she had cried for or how long he had held her. All she knew was he was still whispering in her ear and he kisses to the side of her face. She felt the tears slow as her breathing eased and she began to gain control again. She didn't want to move, she didn't want to let go incase he pushed her away again. As if sensing her thoughts she heard him speak.
"When you're ready we need to talk, but now I have you I will not let go unless you want me to okay" he placed another few kisses to her cheek and gave her a squeeze as he stopped rubbing her back and just held her.
Slowly she eased back from his shoulder as she tried to work out where they had ended up sitting. She had worked out she was bridal style across his lap but she wasn't sure where he had sat them both. It wasn't till she let go of his neck and moved to sitting up she saw they were sat on his bed. Looking round his room it really was the only option as he only had chairs. After focusing her eyes and adjusting to the fading light she finally looked at Pride and it was then she saw how rough he looked. They had both been through the mill and they had suffered for it. By the look of his eyes he had slept as much as she had which if she was lucky was an hour or two a night.
When he saw her focus her eyes and look at him. he lifted his hand and wiped away the final tear that was still sat on her cheek. As his hand rested on her cheek she closed her eyes and leant into his hand. Just feeling his hand on her face gave her strength, something she was sorely lacking. He kept his hand on her face as he moved his thumb a little. She opened her eyes and looked at him and he saw everything there in those big chocolate brown eyes of hers. Everything he needed to know was there written for him to see. She really did care about him, maybe even loved him. She was hurting and he could see the pain of losing her friend and partner there. He saw the hurt he had caused as he pushed her away and avoided her. All she wanted was him and he could see that now. Never breaking eye contact with her he bent forward and brushed his lips across hers before sitting back up.
"I am so sorry, this is all my fault. I hurt you more than I can ever imagine and I have no idea how to make it better and put things right between us. Can you forgive me and let me make it right again? Christopher is gone and you're all I have left, I don't want to lose you as well by being an ass." he stopped talking and rested his forehead against hers.
"You kept me at a distance to save yourself from being hurt again, I understand that now. Yes it hurt, but after a talk with an amazing woman today I realised why you did it. We can move on but I need you to not shut me out, let me in to see you. Let me know how you feel and what you want, I can't help if you don't tell me" she kissed the tip of his nose.
"I missed you so much this last week, I needed you but being a stubborn ass I thought it was better all round if I denied how I felt and kept our relationship purely professional. It's only now I realise that would never have worked, I care too much about you to just let you walk away. It's a shame it took losing Christopher to make me see what I had and what I could lose" he pulled her to him again and held her.
They stayed that way for a while, drawing strength from the embrace till Brody yawned causing Pride to yawn.
"I take it from the black circles round your eyes you have slept as much as I have this past week" he pulled back a little and looked her face as she rested on his shoulder.
"I am so tired but everytime I fall asleep I see Chris and..." But she was cut off as he kissed her head.
"I know, I have the same. Maybe if you stayed here we could maybe see if it helps. If the nightmares come we can help each other" he said a little cautiously not sure how she would take the suggestion.
"You sure about that, I don't want to push you or make you feel obligated to put me up as its late and I spent the past couple of hours having a breakdown on your shoulder" she moved to sit next to him on the bed and not on his lap.
They could both tell by the others face they missed they close contact they had been sharing before she moved.
"I want you here because I need you, not because it's dark or because we just buried out friends. I want you to stay because you want to stay with me as a person, not as your boss or colleague but as something more, a lot more" he slid his arm across her her back and rested his hand on her opposite shoulder as she dropped her head to his shoulder.
"If I am staying you got a shirt I can change in to as I really don't want to sleep in my suit" she looked down at the black trouser suit she was still wearing.
"Sure I can find something. Let's get ready for bed and see if we can both finally sleep for more than an hour or two" he stood from the bed and offered his hand to her to help her stand.
Once they were both standing up he let go of her hand and started to look through a pile of clothes on top of the chest of drawers. Pulling out one of his favourite t-shirts he passed it to her and she took it looking at it.
"This is the one Chris bought you for Christmas last year" she held up the Alabama t-shirt and smiled at the memory.
"Sure is, I am sure he would approve if he were here. On saying that, it would be a little awkward if he was here right now," and they both laughed a little at the thought.
Pride took his clothes off and was left standing in his boxer shorts before he thought.
"You want me to wear pants for bed tonight? I should have asked before I stripped off" he looked between her and his boxer shorts.
"If that's how you normally sleep then fine. We are both adults and we really need sleep" she kicked her boots off and started to undo her sling.
"Here let me help" she stepped up beside her and undid the sling holding her arms in place.
As she took the sling of Pride thought back to when he saw her step out of the hospital wearing the sling and realised how lucky she had been. When the firefight started LaSalle had flung himself in front of him to stop him being shot at and then Brody had flung herself towards them both to take some more of the pressure off. Everytime he looked at the sling he thought of what could have been and it nearly brought him to his knees. He could have lost them both that day but by some miracle she had been spared. He would be thankful for that for many years to come.
As Brody took her clothes off she picked the t-shirt up when she was down to her underwear and he helped her hold the sleeves open to slot her arms in. It was the first time he had actually seen the dressings covering the two gunshots she taken protecting them.
"Can I?" he pointed to the dressings on her arm.
Looking at her arm then back at Pride she just shrugged and offered her arm towards him. He took her hand in his and looked at the bandages covering her arm. He ran a finger gently over the bandages covering them.
"I never even asked if they were straight through or even how bad they were. You taking anything for the pain now?" he looked at her and then back at her arm.
"They both went straight through as my arm was up when they hit. They don't really hurt much so don't take anything now" she watched Pride run his fingers back over them before he let go and gently pulled her to him as he enveloped her in a hug.
They stood just holding each other as now her sling was off Brody got to give Pride a two armed hug and she didn't want to let go. After a few minutes of hugging they finally let go of each other and Pride switched the lights off leaving one lamp on as he knew one or both of them would wake during the night. He gestured for Brody to climb in first which she did then he climbed in and pulled the covers over them both. Turning on his side to face her he opened his arms to her as she moved in to them as she rested her head against his chest and wrapped her arm over his waist. As she settled in to his chest he tangled his legs with hers and pulled her as close as he could. He forgot how much comfort he drew from having someone to hold tight in bed and make him feel safe.
"Good night King" she kissed him chest and closed her eyes letting sleep claim her knowing when the nightmares came he would keep her safe.
"Good night Merri" he placed a kiss to her head and looked down at her as she fell asleep.
He watched her sleep for a few minutes knowing she was finally safe in his arms and he would never let her go now he had her. As he fell asleep his last thought was which one of them would wake from the nightmares first. It felt like no sooner than he thought that he heard Brody's voice break through the fog and he opened his eyes to see her concerned face looking down at him as she stroked her finger down his face.
"You with me now King?" She cupped his face and watched him.
He went to move and felt his body was covered in sweat as it was obviously him who had had the nightmare. It was the same one every night and would be the same one for months to come. No matter how much he tried, Christopher's death was a nightly terror he woke from. Taking a deep breath he looked at Brody and gave her a weak smile before he buried his head in her chest and held her. Holding him to her she ran her fingers through his soaking wet hair as he fought the images and memories he was being assaulted with. It was now her turn to be protector as she held him.
"I got you King, I know what you're seeing as I see it every night as well. Let go. I will catch you" she felt his shoulders shake a little as his emotions yet again got the better of him twice that day.
As he buried his face in to her chest he couldn't help the tears that sprang to his eyes as the memory of how his young sidekick died filled his thoughts again. He knew this was one place he was safe as he let go and let her hold him as he cried. He knew deep down none of what happened that day was his fault, but he would blame himself for a long while yet. Christopher was more like a son to him and now he was gone. He would never hear that southern drawl of his again or listen to his horrendous jokes. He would be lost without him but he knew the woman who held him tight as he cried shared the same loss, maybe not as deep but she shared it.
As she held him she felt the battle going round his head, the raging storm of blame and responsibility that he was battling with. She knew no matter what she said it wouldn't change his train of thought so she just held him and rocked a little as she felt him grow heavy as he cried himself to sleep. Once he was asleep she moved a little and got comfortable as she fell asleep with his head still deep in her chest.
A couple of hours later it was Brody's turn to wake thrashing and screaming as her nightmare gripped her. She felt a pair of arms hold her as slowly a voice came through to her in a soothing tone. Opening her eyes she saw the worried expression upon Prides face. Another night and another nightmare, yet she had slept a little than she normally slept so it was a start.
"My turn to freak out," she moved a little and winced when she moved her arm.
Pride, being Pride, didn't miss the look on her face as she moved her arm.
"I take it you smacked it off the wall thrashing about" he moved to sit up so he could look at her arm.
"When you due to change the dressing on it?" He took her hand and looked around at the bandages covering it.
"I think it was today or maybe tomorrow, I can remember as I was a little occupied trying to get through a funeral and to you to take much notice" she took her hand back from Pride and moved her arm around to check she couldn't see blood.
After checking it all over she decided it wasn't bleeding or if it was it wasn't major so could wait til morning. Settling back in bed she watched as Pride gave her a funny look. She just looked back up at him and patted the bed. Looking between her face and her arm he shrugged and lay back down as she settled back against his chest. They both got settled and found that they both fell asleep quickly and slept the rest of the night till a phone alarm woke them both up.
As they were both on compassionate leave they had a few days free so they spend the day relaxing in his room and talking about the best and worst memories they had of LaSalle. Since they had no plans to go anywhere Brody didn't even bother to put clothes on and spent the day in the t-shirt she slept in. Pride went and made food while she decided it was time to tidy up and put stuff away so they could at least sit at the table to eat or even crash on the couch she found buried under a pile or boxes. By the time Pride came back up she had had a major shift around and he actually had somewhere that looked like a lounge with a couch and chairs in as well as the dining table and chairs.
It was a very relaxed day which they both needed to wind down after the week they'd had. Brody convinced Pride to stand the pictures back up of LaSalle that were sat on the shelves and they sat and talked about when the pictures were taken. It got emotional a couple of times for them both as they shared the best and worst of life with Christopher LaSalle and how much they would miss him. That night they both climbed into Prides bed and wrapped themselves up together to sleep wondering who would wake first and after how long.
They both woke once each that night having nightmares about LaSalle's death. They had slept a little longer, again, so it was getting better. With each passing day and each passing night the time they slept grew longer before the nightmares came and they woke each other up. They would take it in turns and spend a few nights at the office in Pride's room then a few nights a Brody's house.
They spent every moment together from the night of LaSalle's funeral and they seemed happy to do that. Even when after 2 weeks compassionate leave they returned to work with the prospect of getting sent a replacement to take over now LaSalle was gone. When LaSalle's replacement walked in they both thought it was wind up until they were shown the badge at her waist and her credentials. Special agent Abigail Borin had finally took the plunge and transferred from CGIS to NCIS and had asked to take the post to replace LaSalle in the NOLA office. At least she was familiar and she fitted in quickly. In Pride's eyes his family had lost a son but gained a daughter. He had lost his best friend but gained a girlfriend, so he had Christopher to thank for that. Time would help heal the wounds caused by LaSalle's death for both Brody and himself, both mentally and physically and their new team would help them move on.