Dreaming of a color you've never seen before seems a fairly acceptable reason to wake up screaming. Yet I couldn't help but to feel ashamed. Even as he was sitting next to me on the bed with those thoughtful eyes, comforting me with his exceptional ability, I felt like all I ever did was cause trouble.
I knew Jasper only came into my room because he was worried. I was starting to think this whole idea of sleeping over wasn't so bright after all. But I was dying to see Edward in the morning, returning from his hunt; I wanted to see the roses on his cheeks and the lightness in his eyes while it was all still fresh. He was always so beautiful right after a hunt.
"Why aren't you out hunting?" I asked to fill the silence.
"I prefer to do it with Alice, Esme and Carlisle," he replied. "Edward and the other two … Well, let's just say, we look differently upon the ways of hunting."
Though curious, I refrained from asking what he meant, well aware that there are things about their world, I'd be too narrow minded to understand.
"Are you feeling better?"
I nodded. Jasper could always make me feel better in a matter of seconds.
"What were you doing – before you came in here, I mean?" I asked.
"Not much. Catching up on some reading."
There was another silence. Jasper's eyes gleamed through the dark; the pale light from a light outside the window gently striking his face. I thought of how terrifying it would be to anyone other than myself to find a vampire sitting on their bed in the middle of the night. Me, I found it sort of beautiful; the thought of being watched over by someone when you're at your weakest point.
Jasper dwelled at my side, watching me with soft eyes. I got the feeling he was trying to figure me out, but it didn't annoy me as much as when others did it. I guess it was all part of his charm; he could get away with practically anything, thanks to those pretty eyes.
"I feel like it's time for me to go," he said. "But still I find myself trying to think of excuses to stay."
"I wouldn't mind if you did," I replied, thankful the darkness covered my blushing face.
I made some space next to me and he came to lie beside me, though leaning a little on the wall. His moves were slow and slightly hesitating. A coldness spread throughout the bed even though he was lying on the covers and I underneath them.
"Do you ever miss being human?"
He didn't answer me at once.
"Sometimes."
"What parts do you miss?"
He looked at me through the dark; even though I couldn't make out much of his face, I had a feeling he could see me quite clearly. Some time passed as he feel deep in thoughts.
"I miss sleeping. Without sleep, it's like all the days of the week float into each other. It gets hard to separate them from each other; they're all just one big blur."
"What else?"
"A sense of normalcy, I guess. After a while you tire of keeping secrets, moving from town to town, having to act like a teenager when you're over a hundred years old. You can never run from who you are, you know? I'm gonna live forever, you know, and the thought of that is … actually quite depressing."
Jasper rested his head against the wall and drew a deep breath. I wanted to touch him, but I didn't know if I had the courage to.
Spending time with him had always been so effortless. We didn't have to speak or even look at each other; it was enough just to sit in the same room, sensing the other one's presence and mood. I think despite my relationship with Edward – which was lined with complications – Jasper was the one I most enjoyed to spend time with. He understood me, silently, and I liked to think that I understood him in return.
"Can I be honest with you?" he asked, suddenly.
"Of course. What's on your mind?"
Again, he let a moment of silence pass before he replied.
"It's a bit hard to tell, actually. It's a little unclear to me, still."
He made a pause, but I didn't want to interfere in his trail of thought, so I waited for him to continue, taking some time to rest my eyes. Then his soft voice reached me.
"It seems I am about to complicate things between us." He drew yet another deep breath, as if bracing himself for what he was about to say. "Being with you brings me a sort of calm I've rarely experienced before. It's quite strange, actually. The fact that you're a human makes it even stranger."
"Why is that?"
"I seldom feel anything towards humans; they mean no more than what trees and rocks and the rest of nature means to me. But with you, it's somehow different. Spending time with you … brings me … joy. You're not just a human; you're Bella. And I feel like there are things that you and I share, which no one else can quite grasp. Like a connection. Maybe that's a naïve thing to say, but … I don't know. There's something there."
He was looking out into the air; his voice distant as if he was talking to me from another room, though the coldness of his body proved he was still undoubtedly next to me.
"I'm sorry if this makes no sense," he added.
"No. No, it makes total sense."
Something cold nibbled at my hand and with a little jolt of excitement I realized it was his fingertips. Gently caressing the back of my hand, they soon found their way in between my fingers until he was softly holding my hand. He let go of a tiny laughter.
"You're so warm."
"You're cold as death."
I was struggling to make my voice steady, but knowing Jasper he'd probably already picked up on my nerves.
"Am I making you feel uncomfortable?"
I shook my head intently, though it was a bit of a lie. Problem was, part of me didn't want him to let go of my hand, but I felt unsure whether I was supposed to be ashamed of that sort of feeling.
"I've tried so hard to justify this to myself … but no matter what way I look at it, no matter how I do it, telling you this – holding your hand – is a betrayal to my brother. I've asked myself: 'Will I be able to live with myself, look him in the eye, afterward? Is it worth it?' But for the first time in my life I am without answers."
"What about me?" I asked.
"What about you?"
"You only mentioned Edward. What about my feelings?"
He seemed surprised at these words.
"I thought –" he began, unfolding his fingers from my hand.
"I didn't – I didn't mean it like that."
The situation had gone awkward, but our fingers remained tangled up in each other. Half sitting and half lying down, we both seemed stale and self-conscious. I panicked, trying to save the moment, and began to babble, throwing out the first words that came to mind.
"It's just hard. I mean, I agree on everything you just said. There is something between us, something I've never felt with Edward or anyone else. Edward is so complex, but with you everything seems so simple. I love Edward, but sometimes I wonder why he's with me when all he ever seems to think of is either trying not to hurt me or make plans to leave me. To him, I'm just someone who needs to be saved, but with you I feel more like an equal. It's nice not being a victim, for a change, you know? But there's a part of me that feels ashamed of enjoying to spend time with you, like I'm letting Edward down. But why should I refrain from doing something that makes me happy out of fear from hurting him? I have to make my own decisions, right?"
"Eh … right. You are your own person."
"Right."
After a moment's hesitation, Jasper turned to me, moving his body closer to mine. I mimicked him, shoving the covers down on the floor, and felt my heart racing, as he fixed his eyes upon me and placed a nervous hand at my waist. The smell of his breath came to me like a wind, a scent of peppermint along with the sweetness of his saliva. 'It must be those mints he's always chewing on,' I thought, despite the gravity of the situation.
He sighed and I could feel his hand twitching. He seemed as nervous as me.
"Do you think this is wrong of us?"
"That all depends who you ask," he answered in an avoidant manner.
Then he reached around my shoulders and pulled me close into an embrace, pressing me against his body. I felt his scruffy neck against my face, his leg in between my knees, his chest pressing hard against mine. He held me that way for a long time; until I began to shiver from the coldness. Letting me go, smiled shyly and apologized.
Sighing, he said: "I really want to be with you."
There was something tormented in his voice, almost as if he was going through the same internal conflicts as I was. His face was so close to me, I could practically see the battle raging in his eyes.
"You're so beautiful," he added. "And I want to kiss you so badly, but I can't justify it. I just can't bring myself to do it."
His voice was shaky; he seemed weak for the first time in my presence. I stroked a lock of hair behind his ear and he closed his eyes to my touch; taking it all in and savoring the moment. Then he grabbed my hand and pressed it to his heart. It was still as ever.
"Why does it have to be so hard?"
"It doesn't. All you have to do … is take the dive."
And so, he dove; his lips trembling as he came so close to me I feared I would explode. His lips were ice cold, yet softer than I'd expected. The taste of him was heavenly, and I completely lost myself in it. His hand was resting at the small of my back, gently pressing me against him as he became more confident.
After the kiss was broken, he took me in his arms once more and just held me. I don't know if he was crying, but I think so; at least he was extremely emotional. His embrace seemed almost desperate, clutching me as if to prevent an eventual escape. But I wouldn't go anywhere; at least not untill morning.
But that was hours away.