The Mailman that was Secretly The Devil
One day in the city of town city many days ago there was a man and a lady who were happy until they fell in love and got married and then felt bad because they forgot to achieve their life goals because they were so busy arranging weddings and birthdays and funerals for their dying pet turtles. Man and lady were not very good at multitasking so they forgot to fulfil their basing needs like food, and water, and binge-watching four hour documentaries about the mating habits of weasels. Man liked the weasels because he could smell them through the TV but lady did not as they reminded her of the Great What, which was an event that still haunted the citizens of Town City to this day. But lady had to watch the documentaries for fear of being possessed by the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Then one day man and lady felt very derperessed so they went to bed and had a private thumb wrestling competition and the lady was pregent and became an obese person until her stomach exploded and a baby came out carrying a stick of dynamite. This baby was so evil that it had blown up her stomach and come out early. Lady was ok though because the local brain magician gave her some stomach medicine so she got better after a minute or two. But the baby was still there, and the man said "why is there a miniature person that looks like me and why is he invading our house? Let's sell him at the fair so we can buy more food for our dying pet turtles". But the lady disagreed. "That is a good idea man, but I would rather raise this child and teach him how to be a pimp."
So they raised the baby like the lady had suggested but they should've just gone with the man's idea because this baby was not a pimp. His name was Sir Evilton. Sir Evilton always corrected people's grammar on social media, and also murdered people from time to time, like his lunch teacher Miss Fiddlesticks. You see, Sir Evilton went to the local school for nerds in Town City and he hated it there. His favourite subject was death, and Principal's office which was taught by the Principal. He also liked Home Time. But one day Sir Evilton had Lunch Class and it was the worst day ever. Miss Fiddlesticks was their lunch teacher and she looked soooooooo very much like a bear. All they did in lunch class was sit at tables in a big room and eat burnt toast and bread sandwiches. One day Sir Evilton decided he had had had had had enough. He got super bored and his bread sandwich tasted like dirt so he drew a pentagram in strawberry jam and summoned the devil, who threw a bible at Miss Fiddlesticks who fell over and later died of bible poisoning and was fired for being the dumbest teacher ever.
Then the devil revealed that he actually was Sir Evilton because he had possessed Sir Evilton's dad during the private thumb wrestling competition he had with his wife so therefore he and Sir Evilton were one in the same. "Wow, cool, I'm the devil!" said Sir Evilton. And then Sir Evilton got really emo. "Nobody understands me" he said darkly. Then Sir Evilton burned his house down and planned to run away to a new place called Suetown. So Sir Evilton travelled not very far until he found a bridge with a red troll sitting under it. The troll was named Charles and he was smiling menacingly at Sir Evilton while eating a bacon sandwich. The bacon sandwich was sprinkled with talcum powder and Sir Evilton noticed with horror that it was not wholemeal bread and white bread is very bad for you and tastes like an ironing board. Charles the troll was also drinking from a glass filled with the tears of orphans.
"Hello" said Charles, and Sir Evilton ran over to the river under the bridge and pulled some of the ground away until the water went really fast and Charles's bacon sandwich got a bit wet and turned into a sponge and he dropped his glass which shattered into seven hundred thousand trillion, eight thousand, two hundred and ninety nine shards of glass which sunk into the ground and were pulled into the Earth's core where they were then turned into dust and expelled into the atmosphere and into space where they were collected by an alien race who used it to power their refrigerators where they hid their deepest, darkest secrets.
"How dare you!" said Charles, and he ran out of the river towards Sir Evilton like he was a shark learning how to walk in so he could blend in with people as a functioning member of society so that he would get to wear fancy suits and join a gang in New York and eventually go to shark prison for embezzlement and get stabbed to death by a dolphin, who is the villain of the story, but not this story I am telling about Sir Evilton, he was the villain of this story I just told about a shark and the evil dolphin lived on happily and eventually became the first dolphin president where he gave many inspiring speeches on how to be the best at life.
Charles ran extra extra fast towards the general area where Sir Evilton was likely to be located and punched him somewhere in the face, like maybe his nose or his chin, and Sir Evilton's face fell into the back of his head and bounced back like an extra stretchy catapult and a tiny fist came out of his eye and punched Charles so that he fell over and transformed (like Sailor Moon only not really) into a sleeping version of himself so he had his eyes closed and was not moving but was not dead like Sir Evilton's lunch teacher who is dead. The fight must have been so boring for Charles that he had fallen asleep like when you're reading a story online and there's a simile that turns into a really long anecdote, kind of like the time when I made a meta joke that wasn't very funny but I might have got a few pity laughs so I decided to keep going and make everyone suffer.
"Another victory for Sir Evilton!" Sir Evilton proclaimed to the sky. He stepped over Charles's sleeping corpse and walked towards the bridge.
"Hey hold it right there, handsome stranger!" shouted the bridge. Sir Evilton kept walking because he was not that easy.
"Take one step further and I'll break and you'll fall into the river and get WET!" the bridge yelled.
"Bruh, I can hear you just fine" said Sir Evilton but he stopped walking because he did not want to get wet.
"Cross me and you'll regret it" said the bridge, now whispering so that Sir Evilton wouldn't get a headache. "If you want to get past me to sweet, succulent grass on the other side, you'll have to listen to my new song".
"What's it about?" asked Sir Evilton.
"It's about my feelings" said the bridge. "would you like to hear it?"
"Well, fucking no, but I wanna get to Suetown so sure thing." said Sir Evilton. And with the voice of a sexy angel, the bridge began to sing...
"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA. LA LA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA."
"Okay, I'll be going n-" said Sir Evilton, but the bridge was not finished yet.
"LA LA LA LA LA."
"...Are you finished?"
"LA. Okay, I'm done" said the bridge. "what did you think?"
"Gay but good" said sir Evilton. "try to work on having a range of notes."
"It's hard singing without music" said the bridge sadly. "I dont care" Sir Evilton replied, before crossing the bridge and leaving it to contemplate it's meaningless existence.
Then Sir Evilton did some more evil things, like refusing to pay for his bread roll at a traveller's cafe and leaving the waiter stuck inside a chandelier, and stepping on a gnome and shooting a giant in the knees so he fell over and died from the impact. Eventually Sir Evilton reached Suetown and walked over to a huge titanium castle and knocked on the door. No one answered so he set the door on fire and a magical lady ran out carrying a sack of bloody potatoes.
"Hello. My name is Sir Evilton and I would like to live in this town." said Sir Evilton.
"I smelled fire so I came expecting a party, but this measly door barbecue is all you offer me? Despicable." said the lady angrily. "But yeah, sure you can live here. We have some vacant space so I'm sure you can squeeze you in somewhere. My name is Mary Sue by the way. I'm the boss around here." and Mary Sue led Sir Evilton through the castle, which was even bigger on teh inside. There was a guy in the castle who looked exactly Sir Evilton's age except two years older.. He was holding a burnt rubber chicken with the words "chicken fire test" written on it with pink crayon. He had a a bloody wound on his head and was crying.
When they left the castle they were in Mary's small back garden which had a large outhouse in it.
"You may live here, you hideous beast" said Mary Sue kindly. She opened the door and a wave of people fell out along with some poker chips and two playing cards. One of the people stood up. It was a genderless, gender androgynous, agender non-binary girl. "Princess Mary Sue! You're so cool and not annoying!" she yelled. But Mary Sue was already gone so she was actually just talking to some poker chips. Then Sir Evilton got a nasty idea and giggled like a schoolgirl watching her asshole boyfriend beating up the gay guy at school to hide his own homosexuality. Sir Evilton kicked the poker chips into the little girl's gender- ambiguous face and laughed with great triumph. "Kill yourself, you spaz!" screamed Sir Evilton like the giggling schoolgirl's asshole boyfriend with his entourage making fun a younger kid who didn't even do anything because he's too much of a pussy to take on anyone else. Fucking bitch.
The little girl laughed and her voice was at the halfway point between femininity and masculinity so her gender was left ambiguous. We may never know what gender she was.
"Welcome to your new home" shouted an old man from inside the outhouse. "My name is Ted Realniceman and I have a heart condition and a son called Jeremy who is in hospital because I ran him over with a motorcycle". he announced.
"Oh dear, that must be very retarded for you to deal with" called a woman.
"No no" said Ted Realniceman "I ran him over on purpose because he was being a little shit. Hail Satan!" Sir Evilton smiled but then Ted Realniceman was burned at the stake for worshipping false idols. Sir Evilton watched and cried, and then he ate a cheeseburger made of cheese. It made him pull a face like this:
That night Sir Evilton slept outside under a tree and was woken up by a sound. It sounded like someone was hitting a tree with another tree. Sir Evilton got up and realised that there was a troll there and he had uprooted a tree and was using it to beat up the tree Sir Evilton was sleeping under. "STOP IT!" screamed the tree. "THAT'S REALLY ANNOYING!". The troll just laughed, and Sir Evilton looked at the troll and saw who it was, and it was CHAAAAAARLES.
"Chaaaaaarles! Wut the fuck is you dong?" screamed another tree who was watching the commotion from a nearby grammar school. Sir Evilton got up and punched Charlse in the privates so he got Ball Disease, and then he fell over. Sir Evilton then patted the tree on the back to make him feel better, and kicked Charles into the local library, where he died of loneliness.
Then everyone awoke to the sound of clapping. Mary was standing in the middle of the yard clapping. "Wow, Sir Evilton" You're sooooooooooprettydecent at fighting crime!"
"What are you talking about, he just murdered a troll" a man said.
"My head hurts" someone else commented. As everyone clapped and cheered, Mary Sue smiled and said some other pointless mumbo jumbo.
"Yes yes, lovely clapping everyone." she said as they clapped. "okay, you can be quiet now. Shush. Shut up." she said as the clapping died down. She turned to Sir Evilton. "You can be the mailman if you want" she said. "You'll get your own house and everything."
"Sure" said Sir Evilton, and everyone began clapping and cheering again.
"Sir Evilton be da best male men evur!1!" yelled the tree from the nearby grammar school.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Mary. Everyone became deadly silent and the people from the grammar school came out and called the grammar police and had the tree excecuted. Sir Evilton watched as the tree was uprooted and carried away by the headsman. Though it was short lived, Sir Evilton knew their friendship was something truly special.
The End.