HAREM
DISCLAIMER: As usual. The only character I own is Sanni (the name is a real one, don't laugh!), and the characters she loves come from Lord of the Rings (J. R. R. Tolkien), Phantom of the Opera (book by G. Leroux and rock- opera by A. L. Webber) and Harry Potter (J. K. Rowling). The song Saruman sings is originally written and performed by Iron Maiden. All rights reserved!
I know the idea is kind of weird, but there are people who adore literary personages even more than real people. Not as sure if they are mad, but...
CHAPTER 1
(Dark room. SANNI is sitting alone, staring out of the window. Romantic music)
SANNI: I love him...And him...And him...And him... (sighs) While none of them really exists. Well I'm just a crazy bookworm.
(she opens the window wide)
SANNI: Still, how much I wish I could see them all now and here. (mechanically) now and here. Now and here. Now and here...
(DRACO Malfoy, on a broomstick, flies in through the window, followed by VOLDEMORT)
DRACO: Uh, hey. Good evening.
VOLDEMORT: I am the Dark Lord Voldemort, and I have come here to...
SAURON (slams the door): You? Ha, the Dark Lord is ME! (smashes VOLDEMORT with his staff)
SANNI: Don't argue. Why have you come here, all three?
SAURON, VOLDEMORT and DRACO (in chorus): You said you loved us!
SANNI: I never said it about young Mr. Malfoy!
DRACO: Well, let's see it rationally, they are old for you. I'm a bit younger than you, I guess, but it's still better.
VOICE (from nowhere): Insolent boy!!
(there is a knock on the door, and SARUMAN enters)
SARUMAN: Hello, everyone.
SANNI (looking at SARUMAN): Hello! Oh you look like Santa Claus!
SARUMAN (continues): I have brought a present to Sanni: a ring!
SAURON: Wha-a-a-a-at? A ring???
SARUMAN: Yes, a ring. A wedding ring, I must confess.
SANNI: You couldn't have waited until Christmas! It's the first time we really met!
SARUMAN: Christmas? What's Christmas? We don't have that holiday in Middle- Earth.
LEGOLAS (walking in, to himself): Oh great Elbereth! They talk about marriages and don't even invite me! Is that girl mad? (aloud) The star shines at our meeting. Sanni, do you know that today is Beren and Luthien's 4927647821th wedding anniversary?
SAURON: Don't get me wrong, the number is 4927647822.
VOLDEMORT (at LEGOLAS, fiercely): You were not invited, foppy airhead!! Get out, for your pretty face won't be as cute if you stay, I promise!!
DRACO: And you're old.
LEGOLAS (ignoring DRACO's remark, to VOLDEMORT): How darest thou, foul creature of darkness, speak with such words to the Elven-prince of Mirkwood, Legolas Greenleaf? Thou shalt pay!
(VOLDEMORT produces an evil laugh)
LEGOLAS (turning to SANNI): My fair lady, what has pushed thee to invite such folk as those? Legolas, winner of the Middle-earth beauty contest and a prince as well, desires to hold thy hand as his queen, until fate sunders us, yet may...
(LEGOLAS FANGIRLS [LF] screech outside) (The music turns into rap) (SARUMAN takes his staff and makes LEGOLAS break-dance like Gandalf in the FOTR movie)
DRACO: Woah, man, you're ace. Will you please teach me?
(LF burst in and start beating SARUMAN and SANNI)
VOICE (as the LF touch SANNI, furiously): Get your hands away from my bride!!
(Scared, LF run away. The music fades)
SAURON: Whose is the voice? Who's that in there?
SARUMAN: The voice? Ha! We'll deal with him. My magical singing will get him out of here. (takes a microphone) Sanni, you like metal? (sings Phantom of the Opera by Iron Maiden)
VOLDEMORT: I never knew Santa was a metalhead!
SARUMAN (sings): I've been looking so long for you now you won't get away from my grasp. You've been living so long in hiding in hiding behind that false mask. And you know and I know that you ain't got long now to last. Your looks and your feelings are just the remains of your past.
You're standing in the wings, there you wait for the curtain to fall.
Knowing the terror and holding you have on us.. co-ack! (instead of singing, he emits a great croak like a toad. He is very confused, everyone, including SANNI, is laughing.) (tries to sing the next line) Yeah, I know..co-ack, co-ack, co-ack!
VOICE (finishing the verse): Don't think we are helpless from your mesmerizing toad call! Hehehe.
(ERIK walks out of the shadows. The VOICE is his)
ERIK: Magical night, isn't it. Have you missed me, good messieurs? The Phantom of the Opera to your service. (kisses SANNI's hand politely and sits down next to her)
SANNI: OK, now that we've all gathered here, I need to make an important announcement. I love you.
EVERYONE: Whom?
SANNI: No matter how strange it sounds, all of you, save for Legolas and Draco.
LEGOLAS (sniff sniff): Why? I'm the hottest guy around here!
DRACO: I'm the youngest!
ERIK: But I have the best voice! (stands in an operatic pose and prepares to sing)
SARUMAN: What did you say, you twisted son of a... (crash of shattered glass prevents us from hearing the last word: the chandelier falls on SARUMAN, missing him for only an inch)
SAURON: Don't even mention his mother, Saruman, I don't want to lose you.
ERIK (to SANNI): Sorry for the chandelier, I'll buy you a new one after our marriage.
(SARUMAN growls. VOLDEMORT takes his wand, points it at ERIK and starts thinking of a spell to lay on him)
SANNI: I feel like there's going to be a fight, but wait, I haven't finished yet. You have all come here to help me choose my ideal husband, who, of course, will be one of you.
(All ask questions)
DRACO: A contest?
SAURON: In teams?
VOLDEMORT (to himself): Teams? No, I don't appreciate group sex.
ERIK: Who is the second prize? Legolas?
LEGOLAS (in terror): Nooooo!! (backs away and hides behind SARUMAN)
(ERIK turns to DRACO)
DRACO: I'm not the third prize too, you (says a word inappropriate for his age)!
SANNI: Keep silence. Yes, it is a contest, with no teams, everyone for himself. I never thought about the second and third prizes...
SAURON: But Legolas's such a babe!
(LEGOLAS screams with horror)
SANNI: ...I'll decide about it later when we have the contest results, OK.
DRACO: I don't wanna take part in this!! I know this freaky ghost will rape me!
SANNI: You will have to participate, Mr. Malfoy.
(a pause)
SANNI: Well, let me show you your rooms and the house in general.
(the whole crowd walks behind SANNI around the house)
SANNI: Well, here it is. Library, restroom, kitchen...And you live here, my dear guests.
SANNI (pointing at one door): Saruman and Voldemort, it's yours. Feel yourself at home.
(SARUMAN and SAURON go inside the room)
(pointing at another) Sauron and Legolas, be welcome.
SAURON: I suppose you will have one participant less if you place us that way (grins at poor LEGOLAS who faints). Well...see ya later! (drags LEGOLAS into their room)
SANNI (showing the third door): Erik and Draco, this is for you. Enjoy your time together.
DRACO (to SANNI, pleading): I beg you, I'd rather share a room with a dementor than with this...erm...creature. Lodge me somewhere else!
SANNI: No, no, I am the mistress, and my orders have to be obeyed. (catches DRACO who tries to run away, pushes him into the room and walks away at a quick pace)
DISCLAIMER: As usual. The only character I own is Sanni (the name is a real one, don't laugh!), and the characters she loves come from Lord of the Rings (J. R. R. Tolkien), Phantom of the Opera (book by G. Leroux and rock- opera by A. L. Webber) and Harry Potter (J. K. Rowling). The song Saruman sings is originally written and performed by Iron Maiden. All rights reserved!
I know the idea is kind of weird, but there are people who adore literary personages even more than real people. Not as sure if they are mad, but...
CHAPTER 1
(Dark room. SANNI is sitting alone, staring out of the window. Romantic music)
SANNI: I love him...And him...And him...And him... (sighs) While none of them really exists. Well I'm just a crazy bookworm.
(she opens the window wide)
SANNI: Still, how much I wish I could see them all now and here. (mechanically) now and here. Now and here. Now and here...
(DRACO Malfoy, on a broomstick, flies in through the window, followed by VOLDEMORT)
DRACO: Uh, hey. Good evening.
VOLDEMORT: I am the Dark Lord Voldemort, and I have come here to...
SAURON (slams the door): You? Ha, the Dark Lord is ME! (smashes VOLDEMORT with his staff)
SANNI: Don't argue. Why have you come here, all three?
SAURON, VOLDEMORT and DRACO (in chorus): You said you loved us!
SANNI: I never said it about young Mr. Malfoy!
DRACO: Well, let's see it rationally, they are old for you. I'm a bit younger than you, I guess, but it's still better.
VOICE (from nowhere): Insolent boy!!
(there is a knock on the door, and SARUMAN enters)
SARUMAN: Hello, everyone.
SANNI (looking at SARUMAN): Hello! Oh you look like Santa Claus!
SARUMAN (continues): I have brought a present to Sanni: a ring!
SAURON: Wha-a-a-a-at? A ring???
SARUMAN: Yes, a ring. A wedding ring, I must confess.
SANNI: You couldn't have waited until Christmas! It's the first time we really met!
SARUMAN: Christmas? What's Christmas? We don't have that holiday in Middle- Earth.
LEGOLAS (walking in, to himself): Oh great Elbereth! They talk about marriages and don't even invite me! Is that girl mad? (aloud) The star shines at our meeting. Sanni, do you know that today is Beren and Luthien's 4927647821th wedding anniversary?
SAURON: Don't get me wrong, the number is 4927647822.
VOLDEMORT (at LEGOLAS, fiercely): You were not invited, foppy airhead!! Get out, for your pretty face won't be as cute if you stay, I promise!!
DRACO: And you're old.
LEGOLAS (ignoring DRACO's remark, to VOLDEMORT): How darest thou, foul creature of darkness, speak with such words to the Elven-prince of Mirkwood, Legolas Greenleaf? Thou shalt pay!
(VOLDEMORT produces an evil laugh)
LEGOLAS (turning to SANNI): My fair lady, what has pushed thee to invite such folk as those? Legolas, winner of the Middle-earth beauty contest and a prince as well, desires to hold thy hand as his queen, until fate sunders us, yet may...
(LEGOLAS FANGIRLS [LF] screech outside) (The music turns into rap) (SARUMAN takes his staff and makes LEGOLAS break-dance like Gandalf in the FOTR movie)
DRACO: Woah, man, you're ace. Will you please teach me?
(LF burst in and start beating SARUMAN and SANNI)
VOICE (as the LF touch SANNI, furiously): Get your hands away from my bride!!
(Scared, LF run away. The music fades)
SAURON: Whose is the voice? Who's that in there?
SARUMAN: The voice? Ha! We'll deal with him. My magical singing will get him out of here. (takes a microphone) Sanni, you like metal? (sings Phantom of the Opera by Iron Maiden)
VOLDEMORT: I never knew Santa was a metalhead!
SARUMAN (sings): I've been looking so long for you now you won't get away from my grasp. You've been living so long in hiding in hiding behind that false mask. And you know and I know that you ain't got long now to last. Your looks and your feelings are just the remains of your past.
You're standing in the wings, there you wait for the curtain to fall.
Knowing the terror and holding you have on us.. co-ack! (instead of singing, he emits a great croak like a toad. He is very confused, everyone, including SANNI, is laughing.) (tries to sing the next line) Yeah, I know..co-ack, co-ack, co-ack!
VOICE (finishing the verse): Don't think we are helpless from your mesmerizing toad call! Hehehe.
(ERIK walks out of the shadows. The VOICE is his)
ERIK: Magical night, isn't it. Have you missed me, good messieurs? The Phantom of the Opera to your service. (kisses SANNI's hand politely and sits down next to her)
SANNI: OK, now that we've all gathered here, I need to make an important announcement. I love you.
EVERYONE: Whom?
SANNI: No matter how strange it sounds, all of you, save for Legolas and Draco.
LEGOLAS (sniff sniff): Why? I'm the hottest guy around here!
DRACO: I'm the youngest!
ERIK: But I have the best voice! (stands in an operatic pose and prepares to sing)
SARUMAN: What did you say, you twisted son of a... (crash of shattered glass prevents us from hearing the last word: the chandelier falls on SARUMAN, missing him for only an inch)
SAURON: Don't even mention his mother, Saruman, I don't want to lose you.
ERIK (to SANNI): Sorry for the chandelier, I'll buy you a new one after our marriage.
(SARUMAN growls. VOLDEMORT takes his wand, points it at ERIK and starts thinking of a spell to lay on him)
SANNI: I feel like there's going to be a fight, but wait, I haven't finished yet. You have all come here to help me choose my ideal husband, who, of course, will be one of you.
(All ask questions)
DRACO: A contest?
SAURON: In teams?
VOLDEMORT (to himself): Teams? No, I don't appreciate group sex.
ERIK: Who is the second prize? Legolas?
LEGOLAS (in terror): Nooooo!! (backs away and hides behind SARUMAN)
(ERIK turns to DRACO)
DRACO: I'm not the third prize too, you (says a word inappropriate for his age)!
SANNI: Keep silence. Yes, it is a contest, with no teams, everyone for himself. I never thought about the second and third prizes...
SAURON: But Legolas's such a babe!
(LEGOLAS screams with horror)
SANNI: ...I'll decide about it later when we have the contest results, OK.
DRACO: I don't wanna take part in this!! I know this freaky ghost will rape me!
SANNI: You will have to participate, Mr. Malfoy.
(a pause)
SANNI: Well, let me show you your rooms and the house in general.
(the whole crowd walks behind SANNI around the house)
SANNI: Well, here it is. Library, restroom, kitchen...And you live here, my dear guests.
SANNI (pointing at one door): Saruman and Voldemort, it's yours. Feel yourself at home.
(SARUMAN and SAURON go inside the room)
(pointing at another) Sauron and Legolas, be welcome.
SAURON: I suppose you will have one participant less if you place us that way (grins at poor LEGOLAS who faints). Well...see ya later! (drags LEGOLAS into their room)
SANNI (showing the third door): Erik and Draco, this is for you. Enjoy your time together.
DRACO (to SANNI, pleading): I beg you, I'd rather share a room with a dementor than with this...erm...creature. Lodge me somewhere else!
SANNI: No, no, I am the mistress, and my orders have to be obeyed. (catches DRACO who tries to run away, pushes him into the room and walks away at a quick pace)