Been really enjoying your Jelly fiction…so I thought I would pay it forward. I hope you enjoy. Feel free to inspire the direction of this story by comments and suggestions. Hope you enjoy. Xx
Anyone who has ever experience true grieving, of any kind, knows the feeling. A feeling that your chest is collapsing and the air is being sucked out your lungs. Tilly did not know the feeling…she was too young to have lost anyone close. She was too young to have been close enough to anyone to experience true loss. Yet here she stood, doubled over in pain, grasping at her chest. Not understanding the real implication of this metaphysical reaction. She was reacting to Jen walking away, after ending their relationship for the last time…Her heart was breaking.
Sometimes life can only really begin with the knowledge of death; a moment where you no longer fear your life ending and instead secretly long for it. Not because you wished to die but because you didn't believe you could get through that painful moment. Yet the heart keeps on beating just the same and you survive, wiser.
Emotionally numb, the minds amnesia to hurt, the young women had passed the following two weeks keeping themselves as occupied as possible. This was not a huge task because both had extremely busy schedules; Jen completing her placement, creating lesson plans and the resulting marking. Tilly was in the middle of crucial exams.
Jen, needing retreat from her workload, had gone for a walk. An unconscious pull had led her to the place she had last seen Tilly. It was the first time she had allowed herself to contemplate her actions that day and the first time she had allowed herself to feel the pain of losing Tilly; she hadn't planned to confront her feeling today. She, however, not only came face to face with her demons…she came face to face with Tilly.
Tilly was sat on the bench and had not seen Jen arrive.
"Hey, you." Jen broke the silence and flashed a sincere smile at Tilly.
Tilly looked up and smiled back but did not speak. She looked back at her feet trying to ignore Jen and the surge of pain that had just ricocheted through her numbness. The lack of response upset Jen but she knew she deserved it; she moved towards the bench and began to sit down.
"Don't" Tilly announced suddenly as she placed a hand where Jen had attempted to sit down. Jen stared longingly into her companions green eyes but did not sit.
"I don't want you here. I don't want talks of friendship or future friendships. I may be young but even I'm not naive enough to believe that a friendship between us could work. My attraction for you is beyond platonic." Tilly spoke calmly but her words were laced with sarcasm and anger.
Jen stood not moving or speaking, she was in shock; shock at Tilly being so forthright. She was also impressed by her maturity and totally scared by the feelings that this was arousing in her.
Tilly was also in shock. Her words had come out unrehearsed and raw; she had not intended to attack Jen. She was not angry at this beautiful woman; she was anger at the circumstances they were in. She did not doubt how Jen felt for her but believed she was being a coward. 'Defy convention' her inner voice screamed.
Yet, she of all people, understood sacrifice of 'fun' for success. She was well known amongst her friends as the sensible and studious student; wasn't Jen just prioritising the same. Section 28 may have been lifted; despite this a person in a professional role responsible for young people, could not date anyone less than 18yrs.
Her anger may have been real but it was selfish. Jen was not a coward she was being an adult, an adult who had the courage to make a truly painful sacrifice. Tilly realised in the silence that the difference between being a child and an adult was not age…it was having the strength to do what was right. This situation did not require anything but patience. Jen was not saying their relationship was wrong…she just knew they had found each other too soon. Their relationship was worth more than a secret fling that could potentially destroy their futures. Jen needed to pass her placement scandal free and Tilly needed to complete her exams and not tarnish her reputation along with her dream of Cambridge. It was in this moment she understood the pain she had felt that day after they had parted ways…She was in love with Jen.
Tilly rises from the bench and stands facing Jen, who is looking at the floor. Tilly speaks finally breaking the silence between the hurting couple.
"Don't talk, you don't need to. I heard you perfectly the last time we spoke."
Jen stares at the floor and doesn't look up. Tilly gently lifts Jens chin, so that they are looking deep into each other's eyes.
"But I didn't truly listen." Tilly continues. Jen sighs and swallows hard resisting the urge to speak. Tilly had wasted two week in silence and she wanted to be honest and direct; what did she have to lose. She spoke again.
"I am in love with you. If this love is real, it will stay alive inside me until it is lawfully and socially acceptable to share it. I am prepared to wait for you Jen Gilmore. I love you enough to not want you to sacrifice anything for me. I understand the sacrifices you have made and I respect your courage. I do not doubt your feelings for me and hope they mirror my own. I can hide these feelings from the world but not from you…that is why we cannot be friends. If our love doesn't last this transition…then we know it isn't real."
Tilly leans forward and places a kiss on Jen's cheek; Jen closes her eyes to fight back tears. When she opens them again, she sees Tilly disappearing around the corner. She had been unable to respond; not that Tilly would have let her.
Their minds may have had the last word but their hearts were blind to rules and socialisation. Jen was smart enough to agree with the law, it was in place to protect young people; many had and would continue to abuse their position of power. It was a terrible thought, however, it was a fact; not all youth professionals entered the career with the ambition to improve a young person's life. The Huntley case had been a bitter reminder of this and had sparked the CRB movement; Conformity at its root is not a negative thing.
Jen was also smart enough to realise their love was an exception. Tilly had been right today; and both of them were prepared to wait. Yet Tilly had been right about something else too, when she had quoted Foucault weeks before"we only conform when others can see us."
Until the time came, when they could truly be together, Jen needed patience…and a plan. She needed a few days alone in a place where no one knew who they were; so Jen could spend some time alone with this beautiful intelligent young woman; a woman she had no doubt she was now head over heels in love with.