A/N: Okay, so I've discovered I'm incredibly OCD when it comes to writing. Ah. Who am I kidding? I knew I'd be like this... which is why I've never posted before. This is like the fourth rework of this chapter. I think I'm satisfied with it now... maybe. It went up from about 1500 words to almost 5000. So yeah, lots of expansion on my first posting. Once, again, this is my first fic, so I'd appreciate any constructive criticism I can get, even if it's to tell me I'm a comma whore... or I use 'and' way too much... whatever. Just... be somewhat kind.
Update: I was going to make this multi-chaptered, but I think it works as it is... You all know what happened now in the actual show, but if you prefer a more Faberry style ending, there are many fanfics that I think would make perfect sequels to this one. I know... Total cop-out, right? I apologize.
Disclaimer: I own not the show, nor the characters, just the stories in my head.
Flashes.
It seems so cliché, like a one of those bad made-for-tv movies… but everything she sees and hears comes in brief flashes.
It's almost like being under water and looking up at the surface. It's dark, but there are sporadic glimmers of light that come from above. She can hear, but mostly there is just noise, voices mostly – loud, sharp voices that yell things, soft voices that bear concern and sadness. Loudest of all are the whispers, whispers that meld together to become a constant ambient hum in the background.
She's confused, she's disoriented and nothing makes any sense right now. There is no pain.
Should there be pain? She wonders. Everything just feels numb.
Despite the feeling that there is something very wrong with this situation, she's not as afraid as she thinks she should be. Mostly, she's just extremely tired.
Suddenly there's a bright flash, this one much brighter than the glimmers before. It actually hurts to look at, but she finds that she's physically unable to turn away.
And then there is another voice. It's loud and very near. She thinks maybe it's asking something. Is it speaking to her? She's not really sure.
She is pretty sure that her eyes are open, but whether they're open of her own will or someone else's, she can't say. And whoever is speaking to her, she can't see them. This light is so damned blinding.
The voice continues to talk and she still doesn't even know if it's her they're trying to talk to because she can't make it out at all. It's all just noise… and it's beginning to get on her nerves.
Whatever they're doing, she wishes they would stop and just leave her alone. Don't they know she just really needs to rest right now? And get that stupid light out of her fa-!
At once the darkness returns and she finds herself a little surprised at how quickly she receives what she's asked for. Somehow, it is unexpected.
It's strange. She thinks she should feel better now. After all, she got what she asked for, didn't she? She can rest now. She can just go to sleep. It can all be over. No more pain. No more feeling. This should bring her peace, she thinks, but… it doesn't.
She's not sure if she's ever known true peace in the entirety of her existence, but this feeling is far from what her imaginings have led her to believe about it. No, right now there is only cold… and emptiness and for the first time since the darkness engulfed her, she knows that this isn't right. She doesn't know why exactly, but she can't rest yet. And as she feels herself begin to sink ever farther into the depths, the fear she thought she had evaded, is suddenly very present.
She needs the light to come back now. She has so many questions. She needs someone to answer them. She needs this terrible feeling to go away.
Suddenly there is a jolt of something and with it comes a flash of white light. It feels like lightning and it burns all over. The pain is unbearable and her mental scream drowns out all other noise for merely an instant and then it's gone.
It's dark again and very still and… silent.
Abruptly, more flashes come. More lights… She'll take it. She'll take any light she can get. She becomes slightly perplexed however as she begins to notice that ever so gradually the light begins to form shapes. The shapes then begin merging together like puzzle pieces to become images… to become something familiar. They play like movies, but last only seconds.
She sees a young girl who appears around thirteen or fourteen. Her light-brown, shoulder length hair is pulled up in a messy ponytail. She's a bit on the chubby side and her nose seems slightly disproportioned to the rest of her face. Rough patches of acne cover the majority of her cheeks and forehead. She's glaring hatefully through dark, thick-rimmed glasses at her reflection in the mirror, wiping viciously at the tears streaking down her cheeks.
Something about the girl feels so familiar and she feels her heart break for her. She wants to reach out and offer comfort, but she's gone too soon, replaced by another flash.
This time she sees a lovely blonde in a cheerleading uniform. She's a few years older than the last girl and smirking at something that she apparently finds humorous taking place in front of her, something that remains to be seen. This one also feels incredibly familiar… Why?
The image pans out, to show what the girl is finding so amusing.
Some boys in red letterman jackets toss a slushie into the face of an unsuspecting, short brunette. The boys and everyone else in the vicinity all share a laugh while the girl momentarily stands shock, seemingly frozen in place as chunks of the frozen concoction drip down her tiny form and onto the floor. She seems to suddenly snap out of her stupor and brings her hands to her face furiously attempting to get the stuff out of her eyes. She feels around for something or someone to hold on to. Everyone moves out of the way – not one person attempts to assist her – as she continues to grope around blindly for something to support herself and allow her to get her bearings. She eventually finds the lockers and uses them as a guide as she makes her way as quickly as possible down the hall to the nearest restroom, but not before slipping a couple times and having to regain her footing.
The blonde merely shakes her head and chuckles meanly at the sight before closing her locker door and walking in the opposite direction.
Something that feels like loathing courses through her mind, but before she has time to dwell on the feeling, more images come into frame. They all appear so quickly that it becomes difficult to keep up.
She sees multiple images of the same blonde displaying all arrays of emotion. In one image she's happy, in another she's angry, in yet another she's crying. In the ones where she smiles, sometimes it's hard to tell if she's being sincere, but in others there's no question, like in the one she sees now, where she's dancing and singing with a group of kids her age, and somehow, even as an observer, she can feel that the girl is truly happy, even if it's in spite of herself.
And she wonders… is this girl… Is she her? Is this who she is? That would explain the intense connection she feels. What about the younger one? Somehow she already knows the answer. This is what became of that sad little girl…
Before she has time to ponder the realization, there is a white, hot flash and she is once again overcome with agonizing pain. For a second time she cries out in her mind, but as before, it subsides just as suddenly.
Another flash... It's the girl's father, her father. He's scaring her. He's saying horrible things, but she only catches bits and pieces, things like "disappointment" and "disgrace" and "get out of my house". All the while, her… mother… she just sits there. She does nothing to stop it.
The image changes again, and she's standing on her front porch next to a much taller boy who glances down at her, sadly. She's sobbing loudly, arms full of the only belongings she can carry as she stares ahead at the pristine white door that has, only moments before, been slammed in her face.
Her heart breaks again for the girl, for herself, and as before she wants to offer comfort but in, what's becoming, typical fashion there is another flash and a new image plays before her.
She sees herself, apparently in shock, as the tall boy in the scene before shouts at her angrily. She's frightened, but more so she's ashamed. An older man intervenes before things can get even more heated and the boy kicks something before storming out of the room. She's crying unabashedly under the scrutinizing gazes of her peers – people whose opinions should mean nothing to her, but somehow mean so much more than she'd ever admit.
A pang of guilt hits her as she watches the scene play out, and somehow she knows that she's deserving of the boy's wrath. Whatever she'd done, her actions had hurt him badly.
But again, before she has time to reflect, the scene changes and the short brunette that she had laughed at in the hall earlier is now standing before her looking sincerely sorry as she apologizes for something.
This is very confusing. What in the hell could that girl have to apologize to her about? Doesn't she remember all the terrible things she's done to her? Deep in her consciousness she knows that she's done more to hurt this girl than simply laugh at her misfortune. In fact, she's pretty sure that she has been the cause of much of it.
Just as the deep sense of loathing and self-hatred she felt earlier begins to make its return, there is another change of scenery.
This time she is lying on a hospital bed. Her bangs are matted to her forehead and she is drenched in sweat. She looks positively exhausted. Tears roll down her cheeks once again, but surprisingly, the source of these tears is not sadness or pain. No. This may actually be the happiest she's ever been in her whole life. The expression she wears is one of awe, pure joy and unconditional love all mixed into one as she gets lost in the eyes of the most perfect, beautiful, angelic being she's ever seen. And somehow it's like this little baby in her arms knows her, the real her, and loves her back just as unconditionally as she stares right back, the same expression of awe upon her features.
It's so beautiful it's almost overwhelming and it carries with it a subtle bittersweet sensation. Still, she wants this feeling to never go away and as the scene inevitably changes, she mentally screams and curses at whoever or whatever is doing this to her.
Fittingly, in the next image, she appears to be venting her frustrations on the tiny brunette. They're on some sort of stage standing next to a large grand piano.
She wonders what the girl has done to deserve her wrath this time.
The weird thing is, she seems a lot more sad than she does angry, broken even, like she's given up. Her voice is shaking like she's about to cry and everything she's saying, despite any ulterior motives she may have had, comes out so honestly. She thinks it may be the most honest than she's ever been with anyone, including herself. Everything she says, she realizes, is for the girl's benefit more than her own, but the girl doesn't get it obviously, and she quickly makes an escape before the tears can fall. She's glad for the fact that the girl doesn't see her own tears begin to overflow. She can't blame her for not understanding. She really doesn't understand it, herself.
Another flash and she's with the girl again. They're both dressed up in fancy gowns. The brunette looks absolutely stunning and while she doesn't look half bad herself, the angry expression she wears kind of ruins it for her. She's yelling at her once more, but this time, nothing she says is for the girl's best interest. The girl seems to be trying to talk to her, to calm her down, but she's so blind in her rage, that she lashes out. She slaps her, hard – so hard that the force of it nearly sends the petite girl toppling over. It's hard enough to make her hand sting, hard enough to leave a mark and very likely, a bruise.
She mentally cringes at the scene. A strong wave of shame and self-hatred overcomes her once again. How could she? Is this really who she is? Hit her back! She wants to scream at the girl. Come on! Hit me back!
At least, in the next frame, she has the decency to look rightfully shocked and ashamed and even afraid at her actions. She's immediately, sincerely apologetic.
When the brunette finally regains her composure she makes no move to strike back nor does she cry. She sheds not even one tear, despite the fact that it had to have hurt. She merely walks to the mirror and examines her face. The long silence is rather unnerving, but when she finally speaks, the girl says things that are the furthest from anything she'd expected to hear. She'd expected to have terrible, pent-up, angry truths hurled at her, all of which would have been more than well deserved, but no… In the end, unbelievably, the girl tries to make her feel better yet again.
She doesn't understand this girl. In all of her existence, she knows that she has never met another like her. It causes something to stir deep within her. What this girl makes her feel, is so difficult to understand, but she's pretty sure, that since she's known her, the feeling has always been there.
Her thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the excruciating jolt of lightning overtaking her being yet again. As usual, it's instantaneous and it's a good thing, she thinks, because she's pretty sure it would kill her if it lasted any longer… if she's not dead already.
Thankfully, before she can entertain that thought and the fear that accompanies it, another image pops into view.
Her hair is short now… and pink. She's with a group of rough-looking girls and she takes a long drag off a cigarette. The brunette stands before her once more. This time she appears to plead with her about something, and whatever it is doesn't make the other girls too happy. As she observes herself, she realizes that it's taking everything she has to keep her expression neutral and feign indifference as the girl continues. She really makes it look much easier than it actually is. Everything the girl says really makes her want to smile… or cry… or just tell her 'yes'. She can't quite decide. She still doesn't know why the girl cares so much, but she thinks that she's very possibly the only person in the world who truly does.
In the next scene, she's a blonde once more. She's laughing. Not insincerely or meanly like before, but real, honest-to-god laughter. She gets the sense that this is a very rare occurrence.
In her arms she holds a giggling toddler complete with curly-cues and golden hair just a shade darker than her own. She swears she has her eyes. She also swears she's the most beautiful little angel in the whole world, the universe possibly. She kisses her on her perfect little nose and pokes her round belly causing the little girl to squeal and burst into more giggles, and she thinks that perhaps this is the happiest she's ever been in her life.
Once again the scene inevitably fades to the next and once again she begs for it to return, but it's to no avail. Apparently no one can hear her… or cares to, because a new image has already moved into place.
Appropriately, she's crying in this one. She quickly realizes though, that these are happy tears. She's got a letter in her hands and as her eyes scan it intensely, the tears just come and they don't stop. In disbelief she re-reads it over and over.
She's done it. After everything, she's actually done it. She's really getting out of this hick town. It's a lot to take in. It really is. She's going to have the chance at a life she's always wanted, but never dared hope for – not the life of following in her mother's and sister's footsteps as a proper trophy wife like her father had expected of her, and not the crushed semblance of that life that she had tried so desperately to cling to and was almost ready to let herself settle for – a real life with limitless possibilities in which only she calls the shots and answers to no one else.
An immense feeling of pride and happiness overcomes her soul as she takes in the scene and she begins to realize that little by little as she becomes more drawn into the feelings and emotions of the self that she sees before her everything begins to make more and more sense. These people and these feelings aren't just a part of some movie being played in her subconscious. They're real. This is her life. And as she becomes more and more aware of this fact, the flashes change and instead of merely watching the scenes play before her like a film, she becomes part of them.
She's got the brunette in her arms when the girl impulsively hugs her in the bathroom. This has never happened before. She's always done her best to maintain a good, safe distance from the girl and while she is merely congratulating her, the immediate warm and tingly feeling that travels through her entire being at the innocent gesture serves to remind her of her unspoken boundary and why it was set in the first place. Her body reacts automatically, tensing at the shock, and before she can even think to respond at all, it's over. Part of her is relieved. Part of her feels colder now than it had before.
For the millionth time the scene flashes to another. She's with the same group of boys and girls that she's known for a while now, along with some new faces. She thinks this could possibly be the place she feels most safe in the world. Everyone's laughing and goofing around and it's apparently pretty contagious, because she can't stop herself from joining in. Her smile leaves quickly though, when the petite brunette and the huge dark-haired boy decide to announce to everyone that they're getting married, despite the fact that she's pretty sure she told the girl earlier that she thought it was a bad idea.
That's right. She was flattered because the girl had told her before anyone else that the boy had proposed. The brunette was unsure, so she'd come to her for advice, which meant a lot, actually, considering their past. She'd been honest, just like before on that stage. She didn't yell this time, and yeah maybe part of her was being selfish, but she was honest… and ultimately it was all for the girl's benefit, every word of it.
Like before, she knew it wasn't what the girl wanted to hear, but… she'd wanted her honesty… and that's what she gave her.
She finds herself angry and confused and hurt.
Why did she even bother asking if she didn't care? And why can't that oaf see what he's doing? She's not meant for him! And even if by some crazy twist of fate, she happened to be in his position, she'd never let her give up on her dreams for her! She'd never hold her back like this! Can't he see that she's meant for more? He doesn't deserve her… and neither does she, if she's being honest. That girl is meant for more than either of them. She's meant for the world.
In the next flash she's in an office. She's not quite sure what she's doing there, but she sits across from a tall, blonde woman whom she still doesn't know quite what to think of after all the time she's known her. And speaking of the world, it feels like it must be ending or something, because she's telling her things like… she's proud of her? And that she admires her? And that she's one of the strongest people she's ever met?
It's probably the strangest thing she's ever heard coming from… anyone, really, but this woman especially. It doesn't deter the proud smile that etches itself on her face, though, as she receives the box containing her cheerleading uniform, and when she opens it she almost wants to cry at the tremendous joy the sight of it fills her with. It's crazy how much she missed this old thing. It's crazy how happy it makes her to have it back and it gets her to thinking how the craziest things can make someone happy.
Another flash and she finds herself yet again on the receiving end of an impulsive hug from the little brunette and, like before, she can't ignore the tingles that shoot through her at the feeling. She's just told the girl that she'll support her marriage and that she'll be at the wedding.
It's true, she concedes. After much thought and deliberation she's decided she just really wants the girl to be happy. Even if they are way too young and it's ridiculous to be getting married while still in high school and even if she really dislikes the thought of the girl ever marrying that guy… if this is what she wants, if it will make her happy, then… she'll try to be happy for her.
But it's really hard… and as much as she tries, she can't keep her voice from cracking and she can't fight the tears that begin to surface when she says it. She's sure the girl just assumes she's being overemotional as usual, and this is good.
This time when the girl hugs her, she makes sure to return the embrace. She thinks maybe she holds on for a little too long, but she kind of doesn't care. This may be the last opportunity she ever gets to be in these arms and for barely a moment she allows herself to get lost in a short-lived fairy tale in which the girl returns these things she feels, but like all good things, it ends far too quickly. And she thinks, had it lasted hours, it still would have ended too quickly.
Flash.
She's running late. She glances down at her phone in the passenger's seat that literally has not stopped vibrating since she began driving. She knows the girl is probably freaking out, worrying that she won't come. And truthfully, she's wasted far too much time debating whether she should. That, combined with the fact that she had to reapply her makeup about five times due to a few nervous breakdowns is the reason she is currently driving way too fast.
Even now, she's having second thoughts. Why is she putting herself through this again? She shouldn't have to watch the girl she lo- likes throw her life away!
Oh right. It's not about herself. It's for her. She'd promised… and the girl, she was so damned happy!
Why does it matter so much whether she's there or not? After all they've been through, she still doesn't get why the girl has always cared so much. Part of her is touched that her presence means so much. Another part is deeply resentful for the fact that she's putting her through this torture. Perhaps this is some sort of twisted revenge for their earlier days… The phrase "kill them with kindness" suddenly makes far too much sense.
She groans impatiently when some sort of farm vehicle pulls onto the highway in front of her, causing her to have to slow down considerably.
She sighs and reaches for her phone, telling herself not to be stupid. There's no way the girl has any idea of the extent of what she's putting her through. She's her friend… nothing more, and she's so blindly, infuriatingly infatuated with that guy to even notice that there could be anything more. Hell, she could shower her with candy and roses day after day, and she'd still probably think she was just being a good friend.
In the end, she knows exactly what she'll do. After all, in spite of everything, she's never been able to deny the girl anything she's ever asked of her. She'll be there for her and she'll smile and cry on cue and laugh and tell her how absolutely beautiful she looks and be a real friend and pretend that she's happy… even if it kills her.
Being unselfish really blows.
She takes her gaze off the road for just few seconds to type out the message, hoping that it'll assuage the girl's worries until she arrives. She's about to hit send and she can't say whether she manages to hit the button or not, because before she can comprehend what's happening, there's noise everywhere.
First, it's the oncoming blare of a horn then there's a deafening crash and the sound of shattering. Then her world is upside down. She closes her eyes, and for a moment there's silence and a brief sensation of weightlessness, then another huge crash, groaning metal and more shattering. It's all happening so fast. She's completely helpless to stop it as she continues to roll over and over. Something hurts and she thinks she may be sick. It's making her so dizzy. She doesn't think she can take it anymore and finally, after one final roll and a brief moment of teetering, it stops.
She's right-side-up, which is good, she thinks, but god, it hurts. Everything hurts so badly. Even her eyes sting when she opens them. Everything is blurry. All she can see is light and red. There's a lot of red, probably too much. This should probably concern her, but her vision is quickly going dark. She thinks she hears someone call out and she wants to respond, but it's no good. She's slipping away and she can't fight the darkness that overtakes her.
At once, all the missing pieces of the puzzle fall into place. Memories begin to flood her mind at an overwhelming pace and suddenly she knows who she is.
Her name is Lucy Quinn Fabray. She's a cheerleader, she has a beautiful little girl named Beth, and she's going to Yale, and she… and she was driving and she… Rachel was so happy… she's getting married and she's waitin-
Oh god…
Rachel.
She has somewhere to be… She promised.
Rachel, I'm coming.
And suddenly she's fighting. She's struggling as hard as she can against the darkness that has already pulled her so far and threatens to pull her under completely, to a place from where she can't return.
She doesn't even realize that the noise had been absent all this time, until it begins to return. It's almost imperceptible at first and it sounds so far away, but it's there. She can hear it. She struggles harder. She still can't see the light, but gradually the noise gets closer.
The darkness grips her tightly. It doesn't want her to go, but she doesn't stop fighting. She can't. As tired as she feels and as much as she just wants to give in, she knows she can't. Rachel is waiting and she promised.
Slowly the darkness begins to subside and it begins to lose its hold. For the second time, she is overcome by the sensation of being under water. She sees small glimmers of light that seem to bend and sway as she comes closer and closer to the surface. Just a little farther and she'll be free.
The voices are even closer now and for the first time, she understands what they're saying.
"Charging to 300 joules! Stand clear!"
"Clear!"
The pain overtakes her once again, and this one is by far the most excruciating of the jolts she's received thus far. She hadn't realized that the pain could get any worse. Obviously she was wrong. Her entire body is on fire. She needs to scream, to release it somehow, but instead she suddenly hears and feels herself loudly gasp for air. The sweet essence of life fills her lungs and almost as quickly as it came, the pain subsides as it has each time before, but this time it's replaced by a dull ache. It's not the most pleasant feeling in the world, but she is no longer afraid because the pain is what lets her know she's alive. The light has returned and though everything is still a blur and all of the different voices overwhelm and confuse and she's still not entirely sure what's happening, she's alive.
Rachel may have to wait a while, but at least she'll have the chance to see her again. For a moment she wonders if the girl will be angry that she couldn't make it to her wedding. Will she reprimand her for being so stupid, for taking so long? She imagines that Rachel probably looked amazing in her dress and that may be the only reason she's sorry she missed it.
She mentally scoffs because she knows Rachel and she knows the girl will forgive her just like she has every other time she's screwed up. In fact, knowing Rachel as well as she does, the girl will probably blame herself which, in Quinn's opinion, would be even worse, but It gives her the incentive she needs to get to her as soon as possible. There are too many things she needs Rachel to know, that she really tried to keep her promise, that she'll be okay, that it is in no way, her fault, that she's probably crazy in love with her.
She doubts she'll tell her the last one. Even though, she'd like to think her near death experience has given her a little more courage than before, It would be kind of shitty of her to spring that one on the poor girl after she'd just committed herself to someone else for the rest of her life.
Quinn is pretty sure she feels her heart literally sink in her chest at the thought and suddenly she is consumed by several emotions at once. Anger has always been her go to, so she momentarily settles on that one only to realizes that it's not Rachel or Finn that she's angry at, it's not even the fact that Rachel had to go and "throw her life away". No. If she's being honest, she's most angry at herself, for not having the courage to tell Rachel how she felt.
Realistically, It probably wouldn't have changed anything. Rachel probably would have rejected her, albeit as kindly as possible, and she'd probably still be Mrs. Hudson right now, but at least Quinn would have tried and Rachel would have known she'd had another option and maybe she'd have even given her a chance, a very slight possibility, but still better than none.
But it's too late now, and as much as Quinn knows she'll probably spend her whole life regretting the fact, she's still thankful to be alive for a lot of reasons, actually - Beth, her friends, her future and yeah, Rachel. After all, she figures, she kinda owes the girl a lot. There's a very good chance that she wouldn't be here if not for the quirky brunette. She's probably saved her life more times than she dares to count, including this one.
So, she makes up her mind to do whatever it takes to make sure that Rachel is happy even if doesn't get to be with her, because ultimately, she decides, if Rachel is happy, then it's enough.